Partner Who Just Doesn't Understand My Insomnia: What to Do

[[Lo...]]

My SO is a kind, lovely, generous, and sensitive person, and yet the one thing he consistently dismisses is my insomnia. I've been an insomniac since I was about 12 years old; some techniques and practices helped to some extent, then I got heavily addicted to Clonazepam from the age 15 to 29 (without even realizing I was addicted in the first place).  

I finally conquered the addiction and vowed I'd never touch a Clonazepam or any other Rx sleeping pill, ever. Except, 3 years later, I did; the circumstances doesn't matter (and the only person to blame is me), but soon, what started as this semi+harmless tool to sleep took a life of its on.

Fast forward to now, and I am on a nasty cocktail of zopiclone (sleep), Diazepam (sleep and anxiety), and finally, Modafinil and Ritalin to make sure I function properly each day.

Needless to say, it's horrible, and I've come up with a tapering plan I hope to adhere to religiously. I know I'll have to walk through hell to get off the benzos, zopiclone, and CNS stimulants, but I'm determined to do so.

However,although my partner does seem to want to genuinely understand, he just... doesn't. Every single time I can't sleep, the standard response is: a) Well, Just Try! b) Just Close Your Eyes or c) Just Put On a Sleep Meditation.

I know he means well. I know there's a good possibility I would say the same thing if roles were reversed. But insomnia isn't something you can just solve overnight listening to ocean sounds or Jason Stephenson. We had several lengthy conversations where I tried my very best to tell him exactly what insomnia it is, how it feels, and how it feels to mentally prepare for the quest of going off sleeping pills altogether. I explained that I will likely have days where I become a very unpleasant individual, days of zombie-like state, days or oversensitivity and heightened emotions, and I asked him that if he sees me in a state like that, the best course of action is to let me be alone to cry it out or offer full, genuine support in the form of hugs and cuddles and scented candles.

I explained, in great detail, how WD+insomnia can really mess up one's brain's biochemistry, how that affects my mental wellbeing and how my emotions can sometimes be out of whack (and apologized for any potential future dramas, just in case.). Then I asked him that when this happens to please not react much, listen to me, rub my back, and listen some more. I told him this was the fastest and most effective method to get me to calm down or at least, you know, stop crying uncontrollably. I really feel I've expressed myself quite well and SO seemed to understand. 

In my mind, it's so simple: when someone is in distress caused by benzo WD or severe sleep deprivation, all reason goes out the window. In such states, I personally become a Teary Eyed Tragic Hero, a Scaredy Cat, or just a weeping mess of shattered confidence. During moments like this, what helps most effectively is hugs, gentle support, and maybe some green tea (or a shot of tequila).

And yet, I don't seem to get the message across. Almost daily now, he'll come up with copious amounts of advice like "you should get your 5 minutes of sun light first thing in the morning" or, my favorite pet peeve, 'here, try this sleep meditation on YouTube and you'll be out cold in minutes". I can tolerate these golden tips if I'm feeling ok, but if I'm not, him trying to fix me, minimize my experience, and patronize me just cuts like a knife. This morning, I lost it completely - I'd only slept from 6am to 8am (and had a series of shitty nights before that), so I was a Walking Dead in an old oversized shirt battling fatigue and confusion and feeling teary AF. Instead of just leaving me be, making me a green tea (or that tequila shot), my partner started with the advice again, which then quickly escalated to him telling me I'm not doing enough, I'm not trying hard enough to solve this problem - raising his voice in frustration with each reproach - and that's when I lost it and started bawling like a three year old. It just felt like I was being kicked (hard) while on the ground already... Or course, emotions are super heightened in a state where you haven't slept much for the last week, but seriously, a hug and a cup of hot chocolate - as opposed to advice and reproaches - would have worked sooo much better.

I'm just not sure how to best explain both the insomnia and the benzo WD to him in a way that'll really carry the message across. Equally, this isn't on him, I brought this upon myself and I'm the one dealing with it, and I don't expect him to coddle me or anything like that; I just need heaps and heaps of non-judgemental support on the really bad days and only very small slivers of advice on good days. That's all. I get that it's not easy on him, I get that it's probably no fun seeing me being a total mess sometimes. But yelling at me to get my shit together sure doesn't help.

Do you have supportive partners who understand your struggles? If not, what do you do?

 

 

 

 

[[Es...]]

@[Lo...]

Had insomnia well before BZD since I was a kid. Disability commission in a few hours, hope to catch at least two hours more, cause it's one hour now. My ex-Husband used to sleep like a baby and his usual question was: why aren't you in bed yet? Insomnia runs in my family on Father's side. They all pop sleeping pills.

My Kitty sleeps all the time and I call her Barb, cause she actually can make you sleepy, the mere sight of her. There is a whole section on "Insomnia" on BB. I "only' cannot sleep when I have some important outing the next day. Otherwise I don't care. Work from home. Flexible working hours. Reversed circadian rhythm. Sometimes people who sleep like babies really get on my nerves. Especially Husband. He was always so well rested😆

[[Lo...]]

7 hours ago, [[E...] said:

@[Lo...]

Had insomnia well before BZD since I was a kid. Disability commission in a few hours, hope to catch at least two hours more, cause it's one hour now. My ex-Husband used to sleep like a baby and his usual question was: why aren't you in bed yet? Insomnia runs in my family on Father's side. They all pop sleeping pills.

My Kitty sleeps all the time and I call her Barb, cause she actually can make you sleepy, the mere sight of her. There is a whole section on "Insomnia" on BB. I "only' cannot sleep when I have some important outing the next day. Otherwise I don't care. Work from home. Flexible working hours. Reversed circadian rhythm. Sometimes people who sleep like babies really get on my nerves. Especially Husband. He was always so well rested😆

Ha - my dad is an insomniac too, has been on Ambien for ages.

Curious about the reversed circadian rhythm. Does that simply mean you get your sleep in intervals throughout the 24 hrs as they happen naturally rather than trying to go to bed at a certain hour/get up at a certain hour?

I sometimes envy my SO his baby sleep so badly that I'll literally just lay there and stare at him like a psycho as he blissfully snores away🤦😵‍💫🥴

[[Es...]]

@[Lo...]

I sleep when I can, in order to take as little BZD as possible. We both have fathers on Ambien, what a coincidence😆

Yes, I envied my ex, envy my Mother who sleeps like a baby and envy all people who have THE GIFT OF SLEEP. I have never had it. 

Will catch up with those 💙 tomorrow, for now - take good care of yourself

Have you seen the movie "Insomnia"? Well, it's a wonderful thriller. There's a line: "You'll catch up on sleep when you're dead" - not sure if it is so exactly in English, since I remember it in Polish: "Wyśpisz się po śmierci". How very optimistic.

[[ia...]]

 

@[Lo...] Hi there. I sure can relate to what you shared. I’m terribly sorry how difficult sleep is and that your partner is not understanding the brevity of your lack of sleep. Sleep is something that so many take for granted. Not having it, can impact every area of our lives.

I've struggled with insomnia the greater part of my adult life also... as I write this, the clock is rounding 2 AM CST with my partner laying sound asleep next to me. His head hits the pillow and he is out... for hours. Bless his heart... but I cannot relate to feeling ‘tired’ at 9 PM.

I chuckled at the part of your story, about 'put on this sleep meditation' because people LOVE to say this. Like...'Gosh... I've never tried that.' Sarcasm. Interestingly, the early morning sunlight did actually help me, when tapering off my benzos and it is something I do consistently and seems to positively contribute to feeling tired earlier. (when combined with the 10 other things I 'have' to do to get some amount of sleep.'

Relating to your questions: I finally got so sick of hearing the empty suggestions, I implemented the 'suggestions' my SO shared - to try and demonstrate to him, that I was making a concerted effort to do EVERYTHING I could to sleep. Once he could physically SEE that I was doing everything I could - and still not getting consistent sleep, I received more empathy. I'm not saying you SHOULD have to 'prove' anything to anyone. I wanted to demonstrate I had a vested interest, in the success of my sleep and our relationship (sleep/lack of, affects us as individuals and also our relationships). It was kind of my way of saying: "Ok, you have these suggestions. I will try them and be consistent. So, you can see... this isn't going to be solved with a meditation.' He saw my early morning walks. No coffee/caffeine. Deep breathing. Still very little sleep. He stopped with suggestions.

On the bright side... after jumping off benzos my sleep actually improved a lot.  Granted, I'm still doing about 10-12 things daily/evening that create good sleep hygiene, but they seem to be working. I pray you can get some sleep AND that your SO begins to empathize more with your situation. Sending you so much love. 

 

[[dj...]]

Have you showed him literature on BIND or this board?  I mean there are people here who can’t sleep more than 2-3 hours a night for months. P

[[gr...]]

I too envy those that can sleep! When I first quit months ago, my family could not understand why I couldn't sleep. Stayed with my sister at 9 months CT. I watched tv while she went to bed at 9 and slept till 8am, snoring. Yet, I don't wish this WD on anyone. We will survive!!