Need an Objective Opinion

[[Ho...]]

Hi, I'm almost exactly a year post jumping. It's been a rough year. Things seem to very slowly have improved at a snail's pace. I wouldn't know if I hadn't written things down!

In the past month I've had a few hours here and there when I do not have the burning skin, anxiety, depression and the inability to enjoy anything. But for the past week it has ramped up and up, and just seems to be crushing me right now.  I can't point to anything dietary that's changed, or medicines or stressful life events.

I'm jittery from head to toe. It's hard to believe I'll ever be better at the moment, especially because I can't even distract myself easily. Suddenly everything has lost meaning and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't talk myself into anything. The moment I make any exertion, I break out into a sweat.

I honestly thought in six months I'd be able to enjoy things again and feel a bit like my old self. Then nine months. Now a year, and this is how I am. Please tell me I'm not going crazy.

Any insights? Advice? I'm standing behind the sofa with my laptop balanced on the sofa back because I have to keep myself moving. 

[[Bu...]]

I'm really, really sorry, hotcold. I truly am. I can't help myself now but I hope someone else can offer you good advice.

[[je...]]

I'm so sorry @[Ho...]. I know, I'm also living in 3 month recovery intervals - waiting for the magic to happen. You just got to hold on to hope. For now you just have to tell you yourself, this is what recovery looks like for me. I have read the most heart-breaking posts over the past two years where people felt they were beyond redemption and they came back and fully recovered. 

I love that Ashton said this:

Quote

Symptoms are just symptoms after all and most of them in withdrawal are not signs of illness but signals of recovery.

 

[[Ho...]]

Thanks for being there, Bulldog14! I hope things start looking up for you too, very soon!

[[Br...]]

@[Ho...] My recovery followed a similar trajectory.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  When you're getting slammed like this it's incredibly hard to hold onto hope and belief.  It feels impossible and it feels like you're losing your bearings.  We say this so often it probably begins to lose meaning but I truly believe distraction and self care are the most important tools to employ when you're in the middle of a wave like this.  

I jumped nearly 4 years ago.  I suffered horribly and I was plagued by doubts recovery would never happen.  But it did.

[[Ho...]]

16 minutes ago, [[j...] said:

I'm so sorry @[Ho...]. I know, I'm also living in 3 month recovery intervals - waiting for the magic to happen. You just got to hold on to hope. For now you just have to tell you yourself, this is what recovery looks like for me. I have read the most heart-breaking posts over the past two years where people felt they were beyond redemption and they came back and fully recovered. 

I love that Ashton said this:

JellyBaby, thanks so much for responding. I just found myself getting more and more despondent today and unable to pull myself up. Through all of this, I've rarely cried and yet for the past week or so, I've cried 3-4 times. Which does nothing but plug up my nose!

You have three month recovery intervals? I'm trying to imagine what that looks like, but it sounds really rough. I appreciate the words of comfort. I'll try to remember that these are symptoms of healing, not damage. I just wish I didn't feel so down all the time, but will keep hanging on. Nothing else to do!

[[Ho...]]

Thank you Brighterday, it's really nice to hear from someone who's been through the trenches and made it out to the other side. 

I guess it's the power of denial in a way. I really thought I'd be better by now and not like this!

Distraction and self care. I'm having such a hard time enjoying anything today; even TV seems jaded and gross. But this will pass and I'll have some enjoyment again.

Distraction and self care. Thank you! 

[[je...]]

Just now, [[H...] said:

You have three month recovery intervals? I'm trying to imagine what that looks like, but it sounds really rough. 

I was referring to this:

40 minutes ago, [[H...] said:

I honestly thought in six months I'd be able to enjoy things again and feel a bit like my old self. Then nine months. Now a year

I'm also hoping every 3 months I'll see some type of improvement, so I understand what you're saying about these milestones. 

Having tough days are normal. I get those too. And it helps to cry but then it also doesn't. But I do feel we need to just get the emotions out otherwise it becomes like a pressure cooker. As long as tomorrow we pick ourselves up again. 

[[Ho...]]

Oh, LOL Jelly baby I see. I suppose it's universal to look at these benchmark months as finish points—one hopes!

Today is the first time I came onto BB really badly needing some help and comfort and I got it. Just like that. It's the sweetest and best thing that's happened to me in a long time.

Shows how important this forum is. And how important you and all the other posters are.