Struggling to just return to baseline after a boneheaded attempt to go cold turkey

[[em...]]

First timer here.  Long story, but I gotta get it off my chest…

I’ve been having migraines and am being treated for migraines and thinking that by treating the migraines maybe my klonopin isn’t as needed. I had tapered to 0.5mg a day and then thought it was a low enough dose to just stop. 
I was wrong. Very wrong. 
Ended up getting daily panic attacks and couldn’t keep going. Restored my last dosage and yet still, daily panic attacks.

then I got a cervical MRI and they found a lesion and bone spurs that will surgery and that sent me into more panic and then deep deep wells of depression. 

I originally was prescribed klonopin 11!! years ago for gad and health anxiety (later OCD), was always as needed until 5 years ago it was nearly every day. Was also on SSRIs and sleeping meds off and on. At one point was in a psych ward after a new psych took me off klonopin and put me on Wellbutrin… a story for another day. 

so now my original health anxiety is back and way way way worse. So bad that I’m having terrible depression, debilitating bodily sensations, and am scared. 

Every time I get any intense pain in my head or neck I spiral out of control. My legs go numb, my heart rate shoots up, and I’m in this state for hours and hours. Even went to the ER just 2 days ago thinking I was having a heart attack.

I still keep thinking I’m having a heart attack or I’m going to have a stroke, or I have encephalitis, or my neck issues are much worse than originally thought and then I just lay on the floor sobbing uncontrollably every day. My wife has been very supportive but I know it’s taxing on both of us and I also feel a deep guilt for burdening her with this. 

I’ve decided now to take a “taper holiday” to return to some baseline but it feels like I “overshot” and that I may need to updose to just stabilize esp. with my ongoing health issues. I currently feel like how I did when I ended up in the psych ward except with more tangible health issues to latch onto vs the phantom ones I felt at that point.

I feel like I’m failing my wife.

i did just reach out to a therapist near me and have brought this to my psychiatrists attention. 

Any advice is welcome. Or just messages of support. No one else in my life truly understands the war I’m fighting. 

 

 

[[Br...]]

Hello @[em...] - welcome to BenzoBuddies.  I'm sorry you've been going through such a challenging, difficult time following a jump from .5mg Klonopin.  I think you're right to characterize this as a CT.  The symptoms you describe such as increase in panic attacks, intensified anxiety, unusual body sensations and heightened health fears are very typical withdrawal symptoms.  It's a torment and misery like no other - many of us here understand exactly what it's like.  I do.  I went through a very similar experience to yours. Benzo withdrawal can be an extremely isolating experience.  The understanding and support you find here can make a world of difference and help take some of the pressure withdrawal can put on our relationships.   We can also help you put together a plan to approach the rest of your withdrawal and recovery.

I think you're also on target in focusing on stabilizing your system.   When you say you've decided to take a taper holiday do you mean you plan to hold at your current dose for a while?  Is your current dose back to 5mg?