My lowest in 25 years and then I fall off. What's with this pain?

[[da...]]

I started this journey in 1998. My first taste of benzo's. I loved it. I sat there anxiety free for the first time in years. "Is this what others feel like normally," I thought. From 1999 until 2018, I used as needed or wanted. Sometimes taking as much as 120 mgs of valium -yes 120- at a time to help me even out my other hardcore addictions (the hard stuff). Sometimes taking as little as 5mgs in an effort to feel ok.....I have never learned to cope. NEVER. My medications included cannabis, cocaine (full blown addict in my 20's), valium, clonazepam, benadryl, quetiapine, gravol, trazadone, zopliclone, tylenol, advil, and not to mention other stabilzers and SSRI's for bi-polar disorder and PTSD......

In 2018, I tried to come off valium cold turkey. I didnt know any better. I ended up with severe mania / psychosis after 11 days and reinstated. In the summer of 2019, I tried albeit slower and ended up with bedridden depression and severe SI. I tried again in March 2020. In september 2020, I jumped only to discover sleeplnessness mixed with mania and psychosis.....

THEN I DISCOVERED THIS SITE

Since March 2020, I have been trying to withdraw and I finally hit 1mg 2 weeks ago. I no longer use any drugs to sleep or for pain, nothing -  except for a pinch of cannabis before bed to sleep. 1 mg was the greatest milestone and the lowest I have been in 25 years!!!

Well, the depression came back. It crept in but it was severe and three days ago I upped to 4mgs and a tylenol. The next day 6mgs and 1.5 tylenol. Then yesterday, 12 mgs, and 2.5 extra strength tylenol. At least I slept. At least the misery of my PTSD nightmares went away....the nightmares have been extreme....along with depression, severe radiating pain through my body. MY brain doesnt work. I'm like a car spinning its wheels in mud I know where I want to go but I just cant get there....

The good days have been INCREDIBLE! I suddenly sense God's presence and a grand appreciation for life washes over me. The bad days have been brutal. Sinuses, headaches, dizzy, bloating, hair loss, rashes, total body pain, nightmares, severe anhedonia, worry, worry, worry....

Today I resume my 1 mg of valium. I am discouraged. But I have been here before. I occasionally fall off.... I have never learned to cope. I have a successful career and I was a successful competitive athlete. I was successful in many realms. But I never learned how to be secure - this stems from much childhood trauma and a string of complex PTSD events in my 20'a and 30's.....bad things happened and medication always helped in the moment....but that moment has passed.

Do you ever fall off? I find it sets me back. But I wont quit. I never ever dreamed I'd hit 1mg and not be using any other meds to cope (except for my SSRI).....

Is this body pain part of the process? It is not the same as overworking in the yard or gym. It is not quite the same as flu pain - though I get that. Its like my body is on fire with an extreme blast of electrical currency that just screams pain from all my joints and muscles. Every injury I ever had -even as a child-, is being relived in cruel way. Like my body really kept a pain tab and its here to remind me...

Thank you all

 

 

 

 

[[de...]]

You have come so far.   Way to go!    Sorry you are discouraged at the moment, but this sounds very typical of withdrawal.  Many people experience physical pain in lots of different manifestations.   If I read your post correctly it sounds like you went from 1 mg to 4 mgs to 6 mgs to 12 mgs in three days and then back to 1 mg.    Usually as you get to a really low dosage you might begin to experience more intense withdrawal symptoms.  This is very normal.    Even though you are not completely off Valium you are probably experiencing the beginning of actual withdrawal.  This can last a couple of months.  You can do this!   The fact that you have had good days is a good sign.   Your brain is healing. You wil need to dig deep and get all the support you can to get through this phase.    It will be worth all the effort.  Please keep reaching out on this forum.  There are lots of people here to support you.  

[[da...]]

Thank you so much friend: Yes this forum has been an absolute life saver. As I have been at this for three years, I have some experience with falling off my schedule, Yes, at 1 mg for 3 weeks and then for ONE day I took 3 mgs, the next day I took 6mgs and then the third day I took 12 mgs. So, I literally took 19 mgs extra over three days BUT I am back on the 1 mg mark.

I think long holds have been effective for me. for many others not so much. It was relatively easy cutting from 2mgs downs to 1mg. I had a bad week here and there and a horrible day or two here and there BUT two weeks into the 1mg mark, things got ugly....

The windows have been something I havent had for years and years. A sense of calm and peace, gratitude, hope flows over me. I do yard work on those days. I had to leave work and go on work disability which is harder financially but allows me the safety of being sick and allows me the absolute blessing of spending time in the yard taking out weed or planting fruit bushes etc. Those blessed days have been a powerful motivator.  The extreme pain at times is...extreme so thank you for the clarification and the support. Really grateful!

 

 

[[de...]]

Yard work is great therapy!   I love it myself.     If you are up to it, please keep posting so we know how you are doing over the next days/weeks.   It can get a little tricky!   You have done a great job getting to 1 mg.   Do not get discouraged!

[[ia...]]

 

@[da...] Hi Dan! Wow... thank you for your courage, vulnerability and sharing your story. Grateful to know you and learn of your experience. You have had quite the experience. The way you described benzos... is how I felt the first time I used OxyContin. Pure bliss.. joy.. not a care in the world.

Your progress getting down to 1 MG?!? AMAZING... Truly MIRACULOUS. Please come back to that and remember... what a TREMENDOUS accomplishment thit this is. 

To answer your question.. YES, I have fallen off. In fact, I was on Diazepam/Alprazolam for three years, tapered concurrently over about a year. Recently jumped off the last one LAST WEEK. And.. something REALLY bizarre happened this week two days ago

(long story - but short version: I have a serious sensitivity/allergy to THC. I struggle with sleep and pain so I have a 1:20 rx for a cannabis/CBD tincture). I take this REALLY LOW dose of tincture at night before bed. But.. I was at the end of the bottle and I think ALL the THC settled to the bottle on my most recent dose. I was laying in bed two hours after I took it, and my heart just STARTED TO POUND. (This is the reaction I get to THC when I have too much). I have trauma from a pot brownie incident when I was 17. I ate a brownie - and I got so high that my heart started racing 180 beats per minute. My parents had to take me to the hospital. It was AWFUL. 20 years later when I have too much THC I'm taken back to the moment. ANYWAY - I got SO scared I was going to have to go to the hospital or worse... that in that panic moment I took .25 of alprazolam. BAD IDEA (for me). Yesterday I had to go through WDs again. 

My point… yes, people fall off. We have bad days. It happens AND it does NOT negate all the work you put in to get to 1 MG. You can get there again if that’s what you want. We’re proud of you… so happy you’re here. I hope you keep us posted on your progress. I pray the depression dissipates with time.

 

[[da...]]

Thank you Decatur and Audi Girl. I am going to beat this. I know I will. Sometimes I forget how hard is is / was and then a wave hits me.....This is a wave over the last week or two when I remember that I am not quite there. Thankful for the nice weather and yard work.....

I'm back to 1 mg so this was a temporary three day mess-up. Physically, I will pay the price but thank you so much for acknowledging that 1mg is a big deal! One of the loneliest feelings is loved ones who do not know how hard this can be.

The reaction to the CBD sounds so hard. I am sorry. I too have had absolutely terrifying responses to it..... literal terror. Yet, I still managed to spend twenty plus years smoking it all of the time. I am glad that I am past that addiction as well. A little at night to sleep may still be seen as an addiction but at least I dont need it to feel like I am enjoying life. I am learning to not lie to myself and to live life in a natural sense...