Be my voice of reason - a unique fear emerged!

[[we...]]

Hey all!

After year and a half off benzos, I'm going crazy - and you might be my voice of reason.

Hear me out…

I was on Paxil (20-30 mg for 7 years) and diazepam (used 1-2 mg for 5 years, very sporadically. After quitting Paxil I was taking lorazepam 0.5-75 for a month, then crossed to equivalent of 6-8 mg diazepam and tapered weekly until I reached 0).

I've been Paxil free for almost 24 months now, and diazepam free for almost 18 months.

Over the last few months I've seen huge improvements in my symptoms. My sleep got better (from 2-4 hours a night, to 4-7 hours a night), my libido is back, I'm not feeling cold so much (that was one of my biggest symptoms), the tingling in my scrotum is much less intense. My mind is much more peaceful now.

In fact, I've seen so much improvement that I considered writing a success story. Life is not about withdrawals anymore – the only thing I haven't tried yet is lifting weights, but I'll try to ease into this soon and see how it goes.

However, there are a few things that induce so much anxiety in me, that my symptoms start creeping back in.

I believe this anxiety is caused by PTSD, or the fear of going through withdrawals again…

There are many things that produce this anxiety, but one thing stands out – the fear of being exposed to trace amounts of benzos in my household.

Let me explain…

My mother is a benzo user. She knows what I went through, and she doesn't care about the meds she's taking. She's doing pretty good, not motivated to quit anything, and I can't really blame her. All is good, really (and let's hope it stays that way). She's also very supportive of me.

She takes 0.5 alprazolam daily, in pill form.

The thing is, she's splitting these pills in half every day, taking one half in the morning and one half before sleep.

I've never been aware of this during my 18 months off benzos myself, but a week or so ago it finally hit me:

What if I'm being exposed to trace amounts of alprazolam in my house, due to the fact my mother is breaking her tabs every day? The tabs must break off at least a tiny bit and get spread over the floor, the table, her purse, whatever she's breaking them over in that exact moment, right?

My anxiety went through the roof.

Suddenly everything in my house posed a risk for me. Maybe there's alprazolam „dust“ on the floor and I might be breathing it in? Maybe there's traces of this drug on the light switch, or the cabinet door handles, or whatever she touched after breaking her tabs in half? What if she touched food that I ate afterwards?

Maybe…Maybe I'm not 100% clean and I've been somehow ingesting tiny amounts all of this time?

These thoughts shook me to the core. It's all I think about now. I can't sleep. My anxiety is awful. I'm so tense and barely hold it all together.

I talked about this to my mother and we've created a protocol for when she takes her medicine. She's gonna break the tabs over the sink, wash the area and her hands, and that's it.

But the thoughts remain.

What if there's tiny amount of alprazolam somewhere in the house – on the couch, walls, clothes, whatever – just waiting to get inhaled, ingested or just touched (I don't know if it would go into my system through skin).

I can't shake off this feeling. And that's where I need your help or advice. Be my voice of reason. Help me rationalize this.

Obviously, taking pills after withdrawal is bad for us. I'm not planning to do that, ever.

Some people even manage to take a benzo after withdrawal without a problem, for surgery or similar. And we're talking about a full dose. What I'm being potentially exposed to is literally dust.

But then again, what if I'm exposed to it throughout a year? I might be fine with taking a benzo for surgery, but being constantly exposed to it must be different, right?

But how can I be sure I've ingested ANY amount of it, ever? And if I did, maybe that dust isn't effective anymore due to humidity and air in the house? How can I be sure that potential dust is 100% alprazolam – maybe it's just lactose or whatever filler material?

You can see my mental battle. It goes on, and on, and on…

Constantly fearing and trying to rationalize the thoughts.

Yes, I'm looking for reassurance right now. I know that anxiety feeds on reassurance, but in our case it's sometimes needed.

Please give me your thoughts. What do you have to say regarding this – any similar experiences? Anything I should do?

[[Si...]]

nonsense.  absolutely impossible.  hope that reassures...

[[Fa...]]

Welcome to BB, wewillwin2,

Congratulations on being benzo free for 18 months.  It sounds as though you are doing so well!  This sounds like a 'blip'.  And, blips happen.  At this point, I think it is about learning how to manage our fears without the drug.  Life is going to throw stressors at us, and after benzos, we are left to learning how to cope in a healthy way with our fears and stress...our anxiety.

I understand your thought process in this.  The process of coming off benzos can be traumatizing for many.  And, the thought of having to move through it again is terrifying to us.  I can understand wanting to protect yourself from ever ingesting another benzo again.  I get it.

Voice of reason...I think that it can take a while for us to get enough distance from our experience that we are able to not feel 'threatened' by these types of fears, thoughts and ruminations.  It may take longer for some than others.  And, 18 months is not super far out...it is amazing, and your quality of life has been increasingly improving, and I'm so happy for you.  But, do not panic that your mind is taking this and running with it.  You have been through a lot, and it may take a little longer for this fear response and rumination to dissipate.  I know we are encouraged to work on coping tools and methods to help ourselves deal with anxiety once med free.  We will still need to learn how to move through the feelings and let them go.  

It sounds as though you already know a lot about anxiety...realizing that anxiety feeds on reassurance.  And, I do the same...believe me.  I believe you are more than safe, and it may take a little more time for the mind to become less sticky.  Be gentle with yourself as you are still healing, wewillwin2.

I hope others will join in that have experience post-jump with this.

Warmly,

F      

[[we...]]

Hey, thanks for the kind words.

Yeah, as the time goes by, I can slowly see this for what it is - just anxiety. It's wise to take precautions regarding my mother's pill breaking, intake and storage, but it's not worth it to lose my mind over this. I already feel better just by "not caring" anymore and letting it go!