Dysmorphia

[[je...]]

Hi Everyone,

I have not been here for a while since I jumped in the end of January. Mostly because I have been focused on trying to heal and I know that when I get emotional my symptoms ramp up. Benzo stories can make me sad or scared sometimes, so it has just been a strategy to avoid taking that chance.

My question is about body dysmorphia. I have been really suffering from intrusive thoughts that make me incredibly critical of my appearance. Every day i am dealing with a situation where I am seeing terrible defects on my face and body. It does not help that I am getting older and having hormonal changes. I can never tell if my hair, skin and nails are so horribly dry from benzo wd or perimenopause. I can't tell if my tummy is round from hormones or benzo belly. I really can't tell if I am seeing myself accurately at all. I feel like I'm looking in a funhouse mirror. One day I will look and see "oh wow, my head is too big for my body". The next time I will see that my face is so tiny and strange. I see wrinkles and changes that I can not remember being there before and am unable to know if the time I was on benzos just made me oblivious, or these are actually new developments. I see my skin is looser, is this benzo harm or aging?? 

The feeling is so destabilizing and causes me to be almost debilitated at times. I feel like I am not in my own body, like I don't know what is real. Not only that but I feel my clothing never feels comfortable, I want to shower and change more often than is normal.

I guess overall I just feel totally ashamed and uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel I am very ugly and everyone else is normal and nice to look at.

It makes me very sad and anxious.

Does anyone know what this is? Has anyone had this or is having this? Did anyone have this and it eventually went away?

I hate it because it is a very shallow state of mind to be in but it plagues me all the time. 

I try to go on with my life as best as possible and basically pretend it is not happening, but it wears me down few days and I just wish it would subside.

Thank you anyone who may have thoughts on this.

xJenny

[[Ra...]]

Jenny

I habe a lot of those  thoughts as well. I e he’d them most of my life. I know they come  from a very dysfunctional family and brutal father. 
i started taking clonezaoam at 23 because my world was falling apart. I am still hard in myself Ecspecially when I feel bad in a wave. When im in a window i am a lot better to myself. This is the healing process for me

I give you credit to come out and tell your story cause it’s not easy..  it gets better 

Ranch

 

[[Br...]]

I'm so sorry you're going through this painful experience.  I have seen several posts about body dysmorphia - the distorted perception, intrusive thoughts, rumination and obsessive aspects of it are very much consistent with benzo withdrawal symptoms.  Several members have talked about how their body dysmorphia gradually lifted over time as they healed.

You may find it helpful to do a search using the Search box on upper right of the forum page using the phrase "body dysmorphia".  I also suggest you read Success Stories where you'll find encouragement.

[[Es...]]

I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It's a part of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder I suffer from. When people tell me I'm pretty, I get fits of rage. I sometimes see myself as pretty. A huge part of it is anorexia, which has always ruled my life. One half of me sees a pretty girl, the other half sees something disgusting and fat. Depends on the day. I definitely felt better when I was with my ex-Husband. He said I'm beautiful. So many men did. Mother constantly criticizes my appearance. Then tells me I'm beautiful. It's like a lunatic asylum.

My mother is a psychopath and also suffers from anorexia, although much lesser form. Father rejected me as a young teenage girl. He used to beat me savagely with Mother watching and under her command. She was jealous of me. I was Daddy's little girl till I hit puberty. Then Mother snapped, so he did snap too. He's her marionnette. Afterwards, I never believed any guy who told me I'm beautiful.

Mother said they were with me for the money and were ugly. Everyone else said they were damn handsome and very much in love with me. As Father was that Monster who kicked me on the head and back, I turned to Mother for protection as a teenage girl. The greatest mistake of my life. She's a covert predatory type. Cut all ties with Father. Now I see he was just acting under her command. It is too late.

They made me hate my own body for a long long time. Mother hates her own body. I have a dual vision of my body. The old one, which Parents planted into my brain and a new one. Which I got from all the guys who loved me or adored me. Funny.

[[je...]]

Ranchman,

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry you also get this awful type of thinking. I also get it much worse in waves and a bit less in windows. I do hope it lessens as we get further out. Fingers crossed!

XJenny

BrighterDay,

Thank you for the sympathy, it does mean a lot to me to read a kind message. I also appreciate that you said some members have mentioned that this has lifted for them. I have searched and read some others discuss they had this, but not much follow-up on the threads saying how they coped or dealt with it. I will keep trying to be hopeful that it is mostly my damaged brain and as it heals, will become a quieter voice.

xJenny

Estee,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear about your traumas from childhood. Very heartbreaking  It sounds like you have at least some positive thoughts about yourself now. So much of how we feel is really just which voice in our head we are listening to the most. I try to be kind to myself, but with the benzo harm it is impossible most of the time these days. I hope we both heal more and more as time goes by.

xJenny

 

 

[[Es...]]

My dear Jenny. Mirror is such a liar. We will never see ourselves objectively. I have a mirror which maximizes 10 times every spot on my face. I have oily skin, which makes me still look young at perimenopausal age. Am I grateful, cause there are no wrinkles? Absolutely not. I spend lots and lots of time on removing those spots at a dermatologists'. And when she tells me I have a good skin, I want to reply that she lies. Every brow has to be in perfect order, so I decided to laminate my brows and lashes. I'm not doing it for anyone. I'm doing it for my OCD. Luckily, I'm not into plastic surgery. Remember Michael Jackson? Abuse plays a huge role in the development of Body Dysmorphic Disorder.