Please Pray for Me & Send Good Energy + Hope

[[So...]]

@[ne...] well hang tight.  As my mom always said to me when I was little "sleep will come, it always does"., & that's the truth

[[Fa...]]

Hi All,

Another bad day…  8/9 for me.
 

@[So...]  I’m sorry you woke up to an 8/10 this morning.  We never know what is going to happen…I’m of the mind now that what ever goes up will eventually come down again in this journey…until one day it doesn’t.  The day we are all waiting for!  But, those glimpses keep us going if we are fortunate enough to get them.

You’re young, Soapy.  I’m hoping you can recover from this easier for that reason.  I know it can be harder to ‘bounce back’ as we get older.  Of course, many other factors play into it, also. But, you do have your youth on your side.  Just a theory…no science behind it.  Actually, no real science behind anything psych med related.  I remember an ER doc said to me ‘psychiatry is more of an art than a science’.  Very reassuring…but, at least he was honest about it.  The only certainty with psych meds is there is no certainty at all.

 

So, feeling nervous to reduce tomorrow based on how bad I still am…may wait three weeks again rather than the two.  I may be able to write, but my brain is upside down and inside out.  Mental symptoms baaaad.  Thank God we can still express ourselves on here.  Some can’t…and, it can make us ‘sound’ as though we are better than we are.  I’m sure you can all relate.  I used to write some of my ‘best’ posts in the middle of hours long AKA episodes…sit down for a minute….write….get back up and pace….sit down and write a bit more.  I would be in and out of hysterics, crying, vomiting.  Crazy what we can do at times.  But, I was so desperate to express myself…connect with someone…which is what we all need.  That connection to those who get us.

Warmly,

F

[[PE...]]

17 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

@[ne...] well hang tight.  As my mom always said to me when I was little "sleep will come, it always does"., & that's the truth

Yes i don't get stressed about it like i used to. I accept it and just try to rest. Also i kinda like the feeling being awake when it's dark and everyone else is sleeping.

[[PE...]]

But my record is around a week full awake. Hallucinations and paranoid. Not funny

[[Fa...]]

17 hours ago, [[w...] said:

@[So...]  I was also on Geodon for 7 years.  That was one of the seven psych drugs I tapered off starting on 2019.

I hope to god I am going to make it and be okay.  Feeling scared and confused at the moment.  It came on like a freight train about 90 minutes ago.  I'm full of terror that I will never find a place to live that I can afford.  And what about working again?  I get exhausted just standing up sometimes.  I hope an angel stays with me tonight and grants me some sleep.  Please God, help me.

I think each one of us feels this way about making it through.  And, you’re not alone in feeling this…worrying about the future…finances…housing.  But, for those of us who are rendered so disabled during this, and many aren’t and are able to continue working, there is no other option for us but to focus on allowing ourselves the time to heal…because there is no other choice.  As much as we wish there were.  You and I are older, so we feel the pressure.  We had our ‘old’ life, and we constantly compare.  It’s so hard.  Everyone talks about acceptance…I haven’t gotten there yet.  I don’t battle with my old life per say…but, I grieve it so much from where I sit now.

I, also, look back on my ‘old’ life and see how unwell I was…could never see it before.  I do now.  I see a lot now…even as compromised as my mind is right now.  I did well in my life considering…but, the drug/s had such an influence over everything, and I don’t want ‘that’ life back as it was.  I want the ‘life’ I thought I had back.  Make sense?

So, I move through each day in suffering, as we all do, and I have no idea what life will be like on the other side…or, who will I be?  Who will I be as a healthy-minded person?  It is so unknown to me, I can’t even imagine what it will look like.  I was not healthy-minded for years.  And, not because I had a disorder…because of the drug/s.

We are in the ‘tween’ right now.  I feel like I’m in this ‘dark womb of healing’…cut off from life itself in every facet, and I swear it feels like prep for a rebirth…and, I’m not talking in the spiritual sense right now…I’m talking physically…painful labour…contraction after contraction…brutal pain.  Then, finally one day, we get to push.  Pushing isn’t without its pain, too.  Been there, done that in real life.  The whole process is painful AF…but, when we are delivered into our new life…we have no more of an idea of what it will look and feel like than a new born does.  Seriously.  Not after the trauma we’ve been through.  We know it’s got to better than where we were, but we just can’t conceive it.  But, we hear from others what it’s like.

We have to be able to sit with this ‘tween’ time and trust that when we heal, our creativity and motivation will return.  And, it may take us somewhere totally different than before.  Our preferences may have changed drastically.  Our priorities may change drastically.  Our expectations of what life ‘should’ look like may have changed drastically.

I believe that when that time comes, that is when the answers will come.  I don’t think the answers will come to us while we are healing…because we need to focus on healing.  And, the more we future trip, the harder it is to allow the healing to happen…‘cause we stress ourselves out worrying.

Just want to make it clear that I don’t like this at all.  But, I don’t think I’m too far off base.  Many of us don’t want to be living where we are, and worry about work…how are we ever going to get back to where we were or what we had…make the money we need to.  Especially during these unprecedented times.  We have no choice but to trust that it will work out somehow, some way…’cause I can’t do anything about it right now…can you?

We have to be gentle with ourselves in those moments in between self-loathing that this WD throws on us.  We just have to be.

 

 

 

 

 

[[So...]]

Hey @[Fa...] I'm so very sorry it's a bad one for you too 😞  i know the feeling, all we can really do is hold on & know it will pass.  At least it's not a 10 ya know??

 

I have heard this process being described as a pendulum & I totally agree.  It goes back & forth, always coming back to the middle though, until one say it eventually stops swinging.

 

I hope that my age helps this, I just had another appointment with my Dr (seeing WittDoerring) & I told him about how I felt better after throwing up my meds the other night & so he said we will do a test.  I'm really scared to be adjusting my meds again but I am determined, & I think thats all that counts.  Can't wait until the day I'm done tapering, oh my. 

 

If psychiatry is an art than I'm calling it spaghetti noodle art LOL 😆 

 

& wow @[pe...] that is a lot LOL.  The longest I went was 3 days & that was on a lot of drugs at a punk festival many years ago.  I was hallucinating badly after going that long so I can't imagine a week! 

 

I think that everyone who talks about acceptance can't fully accept this situation 100%, just like with something like cancer this is a grieving process to this all & I find myself in one stage or the other at all times.  I think it is hard at my point in life to be so incapacitated for different reasons.  Like, I had just gotten my dream job 4 months before this started.  I actually have a date to go back with them, August 21st, I have no idea how I will do this but my husband really wants me to try bcuz we have no money.  It's only 4 hours a day & it's work from home but that still sounds incredibly daunting.  It is a bunch of math & art.

 

I totally get what you mean by looking back at your drugged years.  I thought I was so happy but I was sedated ALL the time.  I was sedated at my wedding, oh God it hurts to even type that.  I remember even taking EXTRA klonopin that day bcuz of how nervous I was.  I was happy, but it wasn't truly me.  I am so eager to meet myself, I have been taking some kind of sedative almost constantly since 14 years old.  I have no idea how life is suppose to be & I really wanna find out!!

 

Your birthing analogy is so right on @[Fa...] I have often compared myself to a cicada.  It must be painful being isolated & alone for years & years & then they get to come out & LIVE.  (& mate but thats besides the point LOL)  You have a really great way w words Faith :')  

 

I saw an article saying that with protracted withdrawal it brings on an obsessive native in a person to analyze the drug & all of their symptoms etc.  So I am taking that as a symptom as well.  When we are well, we won't even need validation from anyone for any symptoms & the forums will become a place to encourage others rather than a personal lifeline 😉

[[wi...]]

3 hours ago, [[F...] said:

I think each one of us feels this way about making it through.  And, you’re not alone in feeling this…worrying about the future…finances…housing.  But, for those of us who are rendered so disabled during this, and many aren’t and are able to continue working, there is no other option for us but to focus on allowing ourselves the time to heal…because there is no other choice.  As much as we wish there were.  You and I are older, so we feel the pressure.  We had our ‘old’ life, and we constantly compare.  It’s so hard.  Everyone talks about acceptance…I haven’t gotten there yet.  I don’t battle with my old life per say…but, I grieve it so much from where I sit now.

I, also, look back on my ‘old’ life and see how unwell I was…could never see it before.  I do now.  I see a lot now…even as compromised as my mind is right now.  I did well in my life considering…but, the drug/s had such an influence over everything, and I don’t want ‘that’ life back as it was.  I want the ‘life’ I thought I had back.  Make sense?

So, I move through each day in suffering, as we all do, and I have no idea what life will be like on the other side…or, who will I be?  Who will I be as a healthy-minded person?  It is so unknown to me, I can’t even imagine what it will look like.  I was not healthy-minded for years.  And, not because I had a disorder…because of the drug/s.

We are in the ‘tween’ right now.  I feel like I’m in this ‘dark womb of healing’…cut off from life itself in every facet, and I swear it feels like prep for a rebirth…and, I’m not talking in the spiritual sense right now…I’m talking physically…painful labour…contraction after contraction…brutal pain.  Then, finally one day, we get to push.  Pushing isn’t without its pain, too.  Been there, done that in real life.  The whole process is painful AF…but, when we are delivered into our new life…we have no more of an idea of what it will look and feel like than a new born does.  Seriously.  Not after the trauma we’ve been through.  We know it’s got to better than where we were, but we just can’t conceive it.  But, we hear from others what it’s like.

We have to be able to sit with this ‘tween’ time and trust that when we heal, our creativity and motivation will return.  And, it may take us somewhere totally different than before.  Our preferences may have changed drastically.  Our priorities may change drastically.  Our expectations of what life ‘should’ look like may have changed drastically.

I believe that when that time comes, that is when the answers will come.  I don’t think the answers will come to us while we are healing…because we need to focus on healing.  And, the more we future trip, the harder it is to allow the healing to happen…‘cause we stress ourselves out worrying.

Just want to make it clear that I don’t like this at all.  But, I don’t think I’m too far off base.  Many of us don’t want to be living where we are, and worry about work…how are we ever going to get back to where we were or what we had…make the money we need to.  Especially during these unprecedented times.  We have no choice but to trust that it will work out somehow, some way…’cause I can’t do anything about it right now…can you?

We have to be gentle with ourselves in those moments in between self-loathing that this WD throws on us.  We just have to be.

I'm savoring each and every word in your post.  Once again, bingo..you nailed it.  Thank you for saying what I can't today.  I look forward to having my last child..this BWD is my menopausal pregnancy!  

[[wi...]]

@[So...]Are you see Josef W.D. in person?  I think he sees people in person in the state of Utah.  He probably does zoom visits in the other states he's licensed in.   Let me know if I got that right! 

[[So...]]

@[wi...] yes I'm seeing see via zoom as I live in PA.  I've been seeing him 4 months now.  I actually set it up with him that I'm going to blind taper the rest of these meds so i won't even know when I'm off.  Thats a lot of trust but cutting really scares me.  So even once I'm off I'll be getting sugar pills for awhile lol 😆 

[[Fa...]]

7 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

@[wi...] yes I'm seeing see via zoom as I live in PA.  I've been seeing him 4 months now.  I actually set it up with him that I'm going to blind taper the rest of these meds so i won't even know when I'm off.  Thats a lot of trust but cutting really scares me.  So even once I'm off I'll be getting sugar pills for awhile lol 😆 

Who does the prep for this Soapy…your husband?  

[[So...]]

Yes @[Fa...] my husband is going to do it so he will know I'm off before I do lol!! They're gonna placebo me for a month when I'm off so I won't know how fast they do it.  It's scary but I trust Josef & my husband a lot ❤️

[[Fa...]]

3 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

Yes @[Fa...] my husband is going to do it so he will know I'm off before I do lol!! They're gonna placebo me for a month when I'm off so I won't know how fast they do it.  It's scary but I trust Josef & my husband a lot ❤️

When will you start this, Soapy?

You have inspired me to do a 5% reduction tomorrow.  I have to take this by the balls.  Could feel no different than a 3%…but, I won’t know unless I try.  Will be a first for me.  Wish me luck!

Btw…I speak with Angie, too.  

[[Fa...]]

2 hours ago, [[S...] said:

Hey @[Fa...] I'm so very sorry it's a bad one for you too 😞  i know the feeling, all we can really do is hold on & know it will pass.  At least it's not a 10 ya know??

I have heard this process being described as a pendulum & I totally agree.  It goes back & forth, always coming back to the middle though, until one say it eventually stops swinging.

I hope that my age helps this, I just had another appointment with my Dr (seeing WittDoerring) & I told him about how I felt better after throwing up my meds the other night & so he said we will do a test.  I'm really scared to be adjusting my meds again but I am determined, & I think thats all that counts.  Can't wait until the day I'm done tapering, oh my. 

If psychiatry is an art than I'm calling it spaghetti noodle art LOL 😆 

& wow @[pe...] that is a lot LOL.  The longest I went was 3 days & that was on a lot of drugs at a punk festival many years ago.  I was hallucinating badly after going that long so I can't imagine a week! 

I think that everyone who talks about acceptance can't fully accept this situation 100%, just like with something like cancer this is a grieving process to this all & I find myself in one stage or the other at all times.  I think it is hard at my point in life to be so incapacitated for different reasons.  Like, I had just gotten my dream job 4 months before this started.  I actually have a date to go back with them, August 21st, I have no idea how I will do this but my husband really wants me to try bcuz we have no money.  It's only 4 hours a day & it's work from home but that still sounds incredibly daunting.  It is a bunch of math & art.

I totally get what you mean by looking back at your drugged years.  I thought I was so happy but I was sedated ALL the time.  I was sedated at my wedding, oh God it hurts to even type that.  I remember even taking EXTRA klonopin that day bcuz of how nervous I was.  I was happy, but it wasn't truly me.  I am so eager to meet myself, I have been taking some kind of sedative almost constantly since 14 years old.  I have no idea how life is suppose to be & I really wanna find out!!

Your birthing analogy is so right on @[Fa...] I have often compared myself to a cicada.  It must be painful being isolated & alone for years & years & then they get to come out & LIVE.  (& mate but thats besides the point LOL)  You have a really great way w words Faith :')  

I saw an article saying that with protracted withdrawal it brings on an obsessive native in a person to analyze the drug & all of their symptoms etc.  So I am taking that as a symptom as well.  When we are well, we won't even need validation from anyone for any symptoms & the forums will become a place to encourage others rather than a personal lifeline 😉

Spaghetti noodle art…LOL!  Pretty much!  Dumb asses!

[[So...]]

Omg so much luck to you my friend @[Fa...]!! Don't overthink it- I doubt it will be much different at all!  You are right, won't know unless you try & if not- you can always back out.  

 

i know how scary it is trying to cut again with aka & after other failed wds but don't freak out- if it gets bad it may just be a bad day & not even from the cut so keep that in mind.  Good luck friend!!

[[Fa...]]

@[So...]  Thanks so much.  And, you have to keep us updated with your blind taper when you start.  Am so interested in it, and I know you're gonna be able to do it.  You are a strong woman!  You've got this!

Thank you, my friend.  

[[wi...]]

@[So...]You are very brave!  You have good support all around you.

[[So...]]

@[Fa...] @[wi...] I will keep you both updated on the progress (which I won't really know about but I'll let you know how I feel LOL!) I have no idea if they will go fast or slow & honestly just not even knowing has taken a lot off my mind.  

 

I will for sure keep this thread alive- I've become very fond of our little support group ❤️  

 

I hope you both get good sleep tonight & I will be praying 🙏  check in tomorrow if you can!

 

[[Es...]]

On 03/08/2023 at 17:24, [[S...] said:

Hi guys ❤️  I hope you are all hanging in there & battling this as hard as I am, we are so much stronger than we know.

My akathisia is kicking up really badly again.  It's starting to turn a bit physical instead of just inner.  This is around the time it got bad the last time I quit & I reinstated.  It's been 8 weeks since my huge dose drop from .9mg to .09mg & the last time my akathisia kicked up at 10 weeks off.  

Please send me good spirits, I'm not going to give in this time but I really hope this is the last hurdle I have to get thru before I start seeing good progress.  I am also slowly tapering Celexa (but am holding atm)& had to have an antibiotic for a kidney infection (not a floroquinalone) so that could also be kicking it up but the timeline matches my last withdrawal too.  Makes me think maybe this has been the klonopin all along.

I'm not trying to scare anyone, my story is complicated & unique, I would just love a good word or a prayer right now to help me battle this 🙏

Keeping you in my thoughts, I'm also barely alive. Let's hope it will get better🧡

[[So...]]

Thank you so much @[Es...] I will pray for you as well & it WILL get better so know that, we just don't know when ❤️ 

 

Today is a 6/10 so pretty decent!  Actually in awe again, woke up to no akathisia in my abdomen or back, no burning, no adrenaline rushes.  I do have a LOT of energy tho, RLS, inner vibrations, & racing thoughts.  I will take no akathisia tho, that is amazing for me!  Praying it stays away 🙏 

 

I know my meds got cut some but not sure how much or when exactly.  I don't care.  I'm done obsessing over it!

[[wi...]]

@[So...] You are DEFINITELY healing!  I'm over the moon for you!  Such good news.

[[So...]]

Oh man I hope so @[wi...] this has happened a few times tho & it always comes back but i know one day it will leave for good.  Thank you!  Howre you today?  

 

I'm still having a lot of symptoms but any improvement is hopeful!! 😄

[[Fa...]]

How is everyone doing?  Missed day…it was a 10.  I hope everyone is hanging in there and keeping the faith! 

[[wi...]]

Well, hello family, nice to be here.  As you know, this past week has been a difficult one as far as BIND symptoms.

Mentally, I had several days of horrific dark thoughts and super hopeless. That damn anxiety, OCD and terror that comes in the form of intrusive and looping thoughts.  Plus, my bod was experiencing numbing again and that shitty aka.  I was like, oh no, I am definitely not going to make it through this, this is just too much.  I'm done.

You know how those damn, cruel thoughts come...we are under assault when that happens.  Then, with all that going on for me my sister announces her and her husband are closing up this house and leaving for Florida for two months and basically are shutting me out of having a place to live.  WTF?  Why are people so F-d up?

How can they just toss me to the wind in order to save money by closing up this house for two months.  It's all very bizarre and it's hard to not think ill of them.    That just spun me into despair even deeper.

It was super hard to sleep because I was so ramped up and tingling /vibrating , I might add.  It's a miracle that I survived that intensity.  All the while my stitches from surgery were itching like mad and I'm banned from scratching them or I'll rip open the stitches. Pure torture.

So today, I'm going to see an apartment, it is expensive like everything is, but one of the cheaper one on the market.  I'm just following my feet, and my nervous energy is propelling me forward.  Thank god I'm not frozen in terror.   maybe this is higher power leading me on.  I have to chose to believe that.

I'm doing much better yesterday and today. I have a bit more energy and I feel more of myself deep inside.  That is wonderful, but I'm by no means out of the woods.  Thought of having to deal with a full storage unit if I move and not being able to take too much out as this potential apartment is small.  I have to turn my thoughts away from that now, as it is triggering some fear.  Okay, just giving you a status report.  Please, please pray for me extra ...I really need it so much.

We are going to survive this....one moment at a time.

[[Fa...]]

@[wi...]  So good to hear from you.  I had a break, too.

So, the decision to move has been taken out of your hands...and, when something like that happens, I do think the universe is moving you along.  Moves are not easy in BIND...hell, moves are stressful for those who are 'healthy'.  But, this may very well be your next step forward on your healing path...that is the way I feel it.  I know how expensive everything is, and if this apartment is one of the more affordable ones and is available and suitable for you, I will pray that you get it.  Let us know how it goes, please.  Oh...and, may be a good time to declutter?  Simply.  Streamline.  Appreciate minimalism.  Lighten your energetic load?  

And, good job...really, really good job on moving through those hellish days.  I know how much of an accomplishment that is.  You pulled yourself through another one...a warrior.  I so appreciate how friggin' deep we have to go to make it out of those...it's...well, without words.  And, you are still here.   And, you will continue to come of out those thick patches of the woods each time...even though we say 'that's it, man...I'm done this time.  No more!'  You are a veteran of this process WS!  You don't give yourself enough credit...so, I'm gonna do it.  You're not going anywhere, you're too strong even when you feel your weakest.

Much Love,

F

 

[[wi...]]

Love you, sis. Thank you so much. xox