Please Pray for Me & Send Good Energy + Hope

[[gr...]]

Great news!! It does get better. Thanks for sharing, it strengthens us all.

[[So...]]

No problem!  It's kind of iffy again but compared to yesterday I'm doing miles better!

[[Fa...]]

Hi All,

@[So...]  That is such great news!  Thank you for sharing with us.  What a drastic change from yesterday's '10' rating.  You just never know what can happen, and I hold onto that in the back of my mind.  Here's to seeing improvement with each passing day, Soapy.  You deserve a reprieve. 

@[wi...]  I was thinking the same thing...the last two days have been quite bad.  First thing I want to say is the energy feels 'off'...period.  But, I don't feel comfortable saying that anymore because I can't really trust how I 'feel'...intuition and the 'feels'...just don't feel connected to them.  All the 'feels' are chemically generated.  But, I was wondering with all I have read the last couple of days on the site...it feels heavier than usual.  And, so many new members coming in, and so many in crisis situations.  But, then Soapy gives us this good news...so, that's what I mean...can't trust my feelings on things.  And, in this case, I would much rather be proven wrong.

I do hope your procedure went smoothly, and dealing with the stitches proves to be less of a pain in the ass than expected.  Yes...everything is a 'thing' in BW.  The smallest of things sets my NS on high alert, and then it all goes to hell in a hand basket.  Kudos to you for being able to show up for a procedure.  Not something I could do where I'm at.  Again...that shows signs of healing to me.

 

As for me...ugh...just gonna say it...been in the 'deep' for this is the second day.  I know it's my reduction; however, I am highly symptomatic all of the time...and, reductions just take me to another level.  The depression is just all black.  If I didn't have the AKA, my experience would likely be quite different.  Yesterday and today, the mental AKA/internal dysphoria has been so bad.  And, I'm in this space where this drug has to be removed from my body.  I have to keep moving forward, but I have to do so in a safe way...but, consistent.  I can't let fear stop me from making reductions, and my reductions are very conservative.  When I think how many more times I still have to move through this hell after a reduction, I feel as though I don't have the fight in me to do it.  If I were to CT (which I have been so close to doing several times), the probability of the AKA going to a level 10 for a very long time is great.  Even reducing over time with AKA may still bring it on to a higher level.  Of course, everything is an unknown...no certainties.  As has been said to me before, I could also see improvements as the drug is slowly removed from my system.  That is what I pray for.

RE: Running Away...as I have heard it said, we can't run away from this 'cause the call in coming from inside the house.  Where we go, there we are.  I want to run away, too.  Even if you put me on a beautiful island and I was waited on hand and foot, beautiful accommodations...I would still be with me...within this distorted and upside down lens...pacing around the friggin' island.  We just can't escape...I keep hearing the song Hotel California in my head...you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

Leaving = Healing.  I'm not even saying complete healing...I'm saying a good chunk of healing.  Even 50% would allow one to function far, far better and even find enjoyment in day-to-day life...maybe still with the feeling like you have a stone in your shoe...but, still a quality of life.  For me, the terror/mental AKA has to go.  If that left, I would have one hand tied behind my back instead of two.   

Yup...feeling defeated today.

Sending Much Love and Always Wishes for Healing for Us All.

Warmly,

F

 

[[wi...]]

@[So...] That is SUCH good news!1  I know exactly how thrilling that is when we get to feel a significant improvement!  It has happened to me 2-3 times and it is proof that our minds and being come back to life without the fear and dread and we actually get to experience how we used to feel before this nightmare.

I hope you get to feel good for a while.  That would be miraculous, right?

Worst case scenario, even if it doesn't last, at least you know your healing and these windows are going to get more frequent, and we will heal.

Keep us updated no matter what happens.  We all benefit from sharing about stuff like this.

[[So...]]

Yes what I have learned from all of this is to expect the unexpected, like you said before @[Fa...]things can change on the drop of a dime, one minute, one day, one month to the next.  I remember just one month ago I was begging God to take the aka out of my abdomen & now it hasn't been there in a good while it has moved to my spine.  So think back a month ago & even if there changes are bad- I'm sure there are changes.  & so next month will have changes too & eventually it will HAVE to be a good change bcuz there is a limit to everything. 

 

I want you to know Faith that you have such a beautiful soul, & please never forget that things are healing for you as well.  You are off the antipsychotic now, OFF of it!  Your body is changing every day without that influence in it.  Did you aka begin with the AP introduction?  If so then every day off that is a day closer to being better.  I get scared for the same reasons when I have to cut my antidepressants but one day we will be done with all this tapering crap & we can be done worrying if it will "get worse".  I know the feeling so very well.  

 

I have also said many times that if my aka would just go I could deal with the rest of this crap for however long.. but it seems like the things that bother us the most like to stick around.  This is proof tho, for me right now too as I'm feeling a bit better, that our bodies KNOW how to do that.  I just had a friend who beat her aka tell me yesterday that the body can not maintain a state of akathisia forever & I find that to be very true.  & the funny thing is that I can also tell these feelings are so not me when they happen.  It's like our minds are hijacked so you just kind of have to separate from that as best you can.  Also, just think of how grateful for life we will be when this is all over.. we will all truly have a gratitude that can only be achieved thru intense suffrage. 

 

I know what it is like to be in deep & I am so very sorry you are in that far right now.  I will hold your hand until you come out ❤️  rock, twist, pace, do whatever you have to to get some relief.  Chant mantras & please never give up.  Lean on your supports.  Think about how glorious the day will be when this ends.  

 

As for it getting worse as you get lower, I was REALLY afraid of that too but it turns out when I did get CTed by that pharmacy it really wasn't as bad as I probably would have catastrophized in my mind.  I mean, it was BAD but I didn't see myself living thru something like that, but I have.  So have FAITH in yourself & know that whatever comes, you can get thru it as long as you just keep living ❤️. Time marches on at the same pace it always has, our bodies heal.  One day this will all be some sick, twisted memory & nothing more.

 

Your Hotel California reference sent shivers down my spine, how accuturate & chilling, as only someone who has been thru this can understand.  I'm sure everyone who has been in out shoes has too begged to be just 50% & then one day their wish was granted.  It is just up to damn father time.  

 

Have you considered doing a blind taper?  I have heard of several people with akathisia really benefitting from that.  It is basically where you do not know what day & how much your cuts are.  If anything, it may help eliminate some stress which I know we all need.  I may do a blind taper with my mirtazipine when I get to that med.  

 

@[wi...]. Thank you so much!! It was SUCH a huge relief to wake up semi normal today & it gave me a lot of hope just to know that my body still knows how to function, even if it comes back strong again just having had that glimpse of a window will be enough to pull me thru another bad wave I think.  This has happened a few times to me before too, I doubt it will last as it never does but it's enough to shine a lot of hope, right?  How was your appt?

[[gr...]]

Sometimes I feel defeated when corresponding with family, namely my children. I hurt them so much during my vacant years. But, I know in my heart the only way to rise out of this feeling is to continue my sobriety and be really there for them. Very grateful I can see this now and grateful I can come here and share.

[[So...]]

Woah, sorry that was long lol.  Also, something interesting is that I threw up last night an hour after taking my meds so I don't know if that is a contributing factor.. if it is that's pretty interesting.  I'm going to tell my Dr about that at my appt tomorrow.

[[PE...]]

I threw up for three months and it was dose dependent. If I took more diazepam my Nassau and vomiting vanished. It's also in the list of possible symptoms of a benzo withdrawal. 

[[So...]]

@[gr...] I know the guilt feelings all too well.  I probably experience them in a slightly different way, I do not have children yet & I took my benzodiazapine as prescribed but I feel so much guilt for not working & needing my family to care for me.  Just know that when we are better we will be able to pay everyone back for their forgiveness & kindness, & yes the only way to that point is continued sobriety and survival ❤️

 

I'm sure your kids will understand one day.  They just may need awhile to sort through their feelings.  Both of my parents are/were (father passed last yr from his addiction, mother still in hers) addicts & I forgave both of them.  It just took me awhile & some maturing.  I had a great relationship with my father for a few years before he passed & I see my mother almost every day now.  Just be open & honest with your children & apologize + take responsibility & I'm sure they will come around eventually ❤️

[[So...]]

@[ne...] yes I am puking like everyday- not fun.  I am completely off the benzo for 23 days now tho so I know it is withdrawal & I don't freak out about it.  I've already lost 25lbs from this tho & i am not a heavy person so I'm trying to keep down as much food as possible.  

[[wi...]]

5 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

Thank you so much!! It was SUCH a huge relief to wake up semi normal today & it gave me a lot of hope just to know that my body still knows how to function, even if it comes back strong again just having had that glimpse of a window will be enough to pull me thru another bad wave I think.  This has happened a few times to me before too, I doubt it will last as it never does but it's enough to shine a lot of hope, right?  How was your appt?

It was fine. I'm stitched and bandaged up.  I just have to stay calm about the possibility or ripping the stitches open since the wound is on the upper part or my rear shoulder .  The doctor was like, try not to reach into the cabinets, or use the arm so much, or pull/push things.  Yeah, okay doc.

The nurse seemed to be getting annoyed with me because I was obviously asking paranoid fearful questions about the procedure.  I thought that was considered good when a patient asks a lot of questions about the healing time, what to watch out for, how to tell if the stitches do pop-open, etc.  

[[PE...]]

I know exactly how it feels. I lost 6kg muscle since December. There are good protein supplements out there. For a long time that was the only thing i could get down.

I also got anti vomit pills on script that helped a bit.

[[wi...]]

I lost 40lbs at the end of tapering, and into the first 4-6 weeks after being off.

Now, I am gaining weight because I seem to get rushes of hunger pains where it feels like I'm starving.

 

It still is hard for my muscles to get built up.  It sucks.  And I'm super sore after only a little bit of exercise.

[[So...]]

@[wi...] oh, just ignore the doctors being annoyed, i cant tell you how many procedures ive been basically laughed at becuz of my paranoia.  Turns out I was right to be paranoid of their treatments though I see now.  I will tell you a funny story.

 

I had to have a colonoscopy about 6 years ago.  I read the document before the procedure telling me there was a chance I could die & I FLIPPED out.  It took a lot of coaxing but I finally went back onto the gurney.  Nurse came back to give me an iv, I was flipping out asking what they were putting in it.  "Just some saline" she says.. LIARS I was sooo God damned high after they put that IV in telling them about my dogs & such, la di da lol.  Got back into the procedure room & started flipping out again telling them they were like aliens trying to probe me 😆  I'm not even exaggerating I was FREAKING out.  Nurse comes again to my iv- ask her what she's putting in it, " just saline".  Fool me twice, I was OUT, woke up & it was all over.  I am sure they gave me an ungodly amount of benzos lmao.  Moral of the story, don't feel bad, I've embarrassed myself in front of so many doctors.  When I went to the er two weeks ago for my infection & told them I had akathisia the doctor looked at me like I was insane 🙃 

 

Are you having movements in your upper shoulder, is that why you are nervous about ripping them?  I'm glad it went well & I will be praying for your recovery 🙏 

[[PE...]]

That's a good thing your hunger is back!

[[So...]]

@[ne...] I have anti nausea pills as well but I am afraid to take them becuz I have heard Zofran can cause akathisia /:  oh, what a mess it all is.  I can't exercise either so I am kind of just wasting away tbh, I look like, really sickly.  I took a picture the other day just to be able to look back on when I'm better.

[[PE...]]

Just now, [[S...] said:

@[ne...] I have anti nausea pills as well but I am afraid to take them becuz I have heard Zofran can cause akathisia /:  oh, what a mess it all is.  I can't exercise either so I am kind of just wasting away tbh, I look like, really sickly.  I took a picture the other day just to be able to look back on when I'm better.

Get protein powder! There are really good once too.

[[So...]]

I have thought about that or ensure just to keep some weight on etc.  

 

Also yes Wide, it's a great sign you're getting hungry again, thats the body building itself back up!

 

Tbh I'm terrified when I get back off remeron eventually in like 6 months from now I won't be able to eat or sleep at all but I know I need to be off all meds for the best chance to kick this akathisia.

[[PE...]]

2 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

I have thought about that or ensure just to keep some weight on etc.  

Also yes Wide, it's a great sign you're getting hungry again, thats the body building itself back up!

Tbh I'm terrified when I get back off remeron eventually in like 6 months from now I won't be able to eat or sleep at all but I know I need to be off all meds for the best chance to kick this akathisia.

Yeah I heard coming of remeron is a b***h. Take one day at the time. And mabey wait a while to start tapering of those. Give your self strength and some time to heal!?

[[Fa...]]

16 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

@[wi...] oh, just ignore the doctors being annoyed, i cant tell you how many procedures ive been basically laughed at becuz of my paranoia.  Turns out I was right to be paranoid of their treatments though I see now.  I will tell you a funny story.

I had to have a colonoscopy about 6 years ago.  I read the document before the procedure telling me there was a chance I could die & I FLIPPED out.  It took a lot of coaxing but I finally went back onto the gurney.  Nurse came back to give me an iv, I was flipping out asking what they were putting in it.  "Just some saline" she says.. LIARS I was sooo God damned high after they put that IV in telling them about my dogs & such, la di da lol.  Got back into the procedure room & started flipping out again telling them they were like aliens trying to probe me 😆  I'm not even exaggerating I was FREAKING out.  Nurse comes again to my iv- ask her what she's putting in it, " just saline".  Fool me twice, I was OUT, woke up & it was all over.  I am sure they gave me an ungodly amount of benzos lmao.  Moral of the story, don't feel bad, I've embarrassed myself in front of so many doctors.  When I went to the er two weeks ago for my infection & told them I had akathisia the doctor looked at me like I was insane 🙃 

Are you having movements in your upper shoulder, is that why you are nervous about ripping them?  I'm glad it went well & I will be praying for your recovery 🙏 

This made me laugh!  Too friggin’ funny!  I needed that laugh…thank you! 💕

[[Fa...]]

9 minutes ago, [[n...] said:

Yeah I heard coming of remeron is a b***h. Take one day at the time. And mabey wait a while to start tapering of those. Give your self strength and some time to heal!?

Peppe…I’m just so glad you decided to taper off slowly!  You are in a really good position now.  Very happy for you, and look forward to updates as to how you are doing when you start to move forward again.

[[wi...]]

no movements yet, but yes, that is why I'm nervous nellie.  

 

I can just picture you on that gurney!  You are hilarious, sister!

[[PE...]]

1 minute ago, [[F...] said:

Peppe…I’m just so glad you decided to taper off slowly!  You are in a really good position now.  Very happy for you, and look forward to updates as to how you are doing when you start to move forward again.

Thanks faith. Yes this forum and lots of reading made me realise that a slow taper is the way to do it!

I have pills that will last more over a year. So that stress is gone. I have to buy it. My doctor just stopped the prescription. 

[[Fa...]]

19 minutes ago, [[n...] said:

Thanks faith. Yes this forum and lots of reading made me realise that a slow taper is the way to do it!

I have pills that will last more over a year. So that stress is gone. I have to buy it. My doctor just stopped the prescription. 

Don’t get me wrong…I’ve been so tempted to CT myself as I wrote.  But, when you do it and it proves to be too much and you decide to reinstate, it doesn’t work for everybody.  It would not work for me if I CT’d and changed my mind, it’s far too late for me.  It has worked for you, and gives you an opportunity to try option B.  You have the chance to try this way now.  And, I wish you the best.  

[[PE...]]

16 minutes ago, [[F...] said:

Don’t get me wrong…I’ve been so tempted to CT myself as I wrote.  But, when you do it and it proves to be too much and you decide to reinstate, it doesn’t work for everybody.  It would not work for me if I CT’d and changed my mind, it’s far too late for me.  It has worked for you, and gives you an opportunity to try option B.  You have the chance to try this way now.  And, I wish you the best.  

Thank you sister 😀