Please Pray for Me & Send Good Energy + Hope

[[So...]]

Aww thank you so much @[Fa...] I simply just do not know what more my body can throw at me at this point.  I had a severe uti I left untreated bcuz of fear of antibiotics & then I had to rush to the er two weeks ago to get a fluid iv as it turned to a kidney infection.  I just got my period.  I'm sick as a dog.  & my body is now vibrating internally like crazy.  I truly feel like a dead man walking but I want to beat this more than anything.  I'm going to hold my Celexa for longer than I was going to just bcuz I think I am at my limit for the moment.  

 

As for the money, I may have to move in with my mother & my husband ABSOLUTELY does not want to do that but I don't know what other choice we will have soon.  I was always the breadwinner & we can not survive on one income.  I have disability papers but have been too sick to fill them out, how ironic is that.  I am pretty sure I'd be fairing better if I had a terminal illness, to tell you the truth. Sigh.  Hard day.  Been in this wave over two weeks now.  I know I just quit the benzo but you have to realize how sick of this I am having quit it 7 months ago before.  I don't even feel excited to be off this time, being 3 weeks off means nothing to me since I was 2.5 months off before.  Sorry to be a Debby downer but today is really hard.  

[[wi...]]

@[So...] I'm sorry  you are dealing with benzo flu.  I had it on and off for the first month after CT.

Every now and then I still get a random sore throat or stuffy nose.  My body constantly feels like I have the flu, though.  Muscles ache and sore. If I exercise I am in muscle pain for days afterwards.  

Today is a mixed bag for me.  Having to deal with fear, depression and looping anxiety.  I feel super irritated. Not sure where to turn for relief.  Hardly slept last night and vivid nightmares.

I'm really scared of the future..nothing new, I suppose.

xox

[[Fa...]]

Goodnight, Ladies.  Sending you Much Love and Healing.  Today was another day closer to getting ourselves back.

❤️

xx

[[gr...]]

Thank you. We will get ourselves back.

[[So...]]

Yes, one day closer guys ❤️ I just keep chanting to myself that this isn't forever & I will have a beautiful life after this.  Possibly 75 more years if I am lucky.  That isn't worth throwing away.  I am so fortunate in so many ways.  We are healing & I wish us all a beautiful night 🌙 

[[wi...]]

A very scary and harsh day. I didn't think I was going to make it through today.  Mental akathisia turned up to 10.  

PS- @[So...] you are not a debbie downer.  I love honesty.  I dislike fake positivity more than I ever could someone sharing their discomfort and pain.  We have been brainwashed to always want things on the up side in this life by advertising and such.  I think that is toxic and dangerous.  Suffering is part of being human. We could never know light if there were not darkness.  

@[Fa...] hoping you have a peaceful sleep. Sending you both lots of love. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love and support.  It's a gift.

 

@[mc...] sending you love, too!

 

I'm a highly sensitive sweetheart of a man, btw.  lol.  Hope that doesn't change anything about how we connect.

I was raised around only sisters and without a dad around.  I must have absorbed the goddess energy!  Nite!

[[Fa...]]

@[wi...]  How refreshing!  I did not know.  No way does it change anything.  And, you are a highly sensitive sweetheart of a man.  Love it!

Honesty...I didn't think I would make it through today, either.  I was in severe internal AKA all day and didn't stop moving unless I was able to type.  I stayed on the site all day trying to help...trying to contribute in some way.  Trying to make my life have value and meaning.  Finally broke down by 6 p.m. and cried and cried..it came from my toes and I thought I would vomit.  I was spent...exhausted...depleted and hopeless.  I, too, had a nightmare last night with an energy attached to it that was haunting.  I'm sorry we have to go through this...speechless, really.

Will touch base again in the morning.  Much Love.

 

[[Ma...]]

❤️❤️❤️

[[Fa...]]

@[So...]  I have used that term many times in my most intense episodes.  I would say ‘dead man walking’.  I feel like that 90% of the time…the feeling of just being a shell of a person enduring the physical/mental tortures of this process as we all are.  The feeling of being robbed of our essence…our Soul…as our body is pummelled by symptom after symptom…piling up on each other with no possible way of grasping onto any relief.  I used to pace around and instinctively would grab at the air to hold onto something…it was non-sensical…but, I was in an ‘altered state’ during those times.

Filling out paperwork for disability as we are feels like an impossible feat.  It took me a long time to prepare that application.  I couldn’t grasp the instructions and what was required was overwhelming.  But, it had to be done.  You deserve assistance.  I hope you get to a space soon where you can attempt to tackle it with the help of your family/husband.

Never feel as though you are a downer…that is what this space is for.  We unload our fears and frustrations, and we lift each other up.  It will ebb and flow for each of us.  We may all be in a really low spot all at once, and sometimes one or more will be in a position to lift others up.  For me, I swing back and forth on a dime.  Well, my brain does.  Even as I write this, I’ve had intrusive thoughts barge in and I feel sick to my stomach…then, I see a glimpse of myself for a moment.  It is insanity…but, we are all functioning within the insanity of it all.  This can be a life-line.

Please let us know how you are feeling today.  Someone close to me asks me throughout the day to give a number rating…1-10.  My number right now is  7. 
 

Much Love,

F

 

 

[[wi...]]

Good morning.  I feel like I want to write more than I am going to, but I feel frozen and I have a lot of f-ing fear yet again. I am going to have to scream today, I just know it.

 

My number is 8.5

 

@[Fa...]Thanks for your reassuring words. 

[[Fa...]]

3 minutes ago, [[w...] said:

Good morning.  I feel like I want to write more than I am going to, but I feel frozen and I have a lot of f-ing fear yet again. I am going to have to scream today, I just know it.

 

My number is 8.5

 

@[Fa...]Thanks for your reassuring words. 

Good morning,

I feel you…big time.   Let’s see if it will ease off again to a more manageable level.

I know how it builds.  You can feel it bubbling up.  Best thing to do is scream and get that shit out…release the energy.  I always see it as black shit coming out of me.  Then, I surround that in my mind with light.  Only do that when I’m not in a totally altered state because who can think to do that…like really?  But, if I have some ability to think, I try to do it.  Hey…we can’t see energy…but, it’s everything/everywhere.  Who knows what that energy looks like if would could see it when we let it out?  But, it has to come out.

I scream into a pillow.  I used to do that when I was in an apartment.  I didn’t want someone to call the police.   Last time I screamed so much, I couldn’t talk properly for a couple weeks.  My vocal cords are still not quite right.

8.5…let’s see if it changes as the day progresses.

You are going to be okay.  We are going to be okay.  

I’m sorry I assumed we were all female.  Who knows why I did.  I have no idea. ❤️
 

 

[[gr...]]

We are going to be OK. Takes time. This morning has been a difficult one for me. Lot of family coming and going - luckily not at my house. Putting on a friendly face as they mean well. Stood in the woods and just stared off. It felt good to actually really stare off - if that makes sense. Being awake has it moments, like life. Good and bad. Thanks for listening! We can do this.

[[So...]]

I am honest to God at a 10 today, this is the worst it has been this entire journey.  I can't keep any food down & my temp is HIGH.  I just keep crying & begging for someone to help me.  It's terrible, I have never had this many symptoms at once.  If this is the worst that it gets tho, at least it can only be up from here.. ❤️ today is 22 days since my last dose but 59 days since the huge cut I had.  The 2 month mark was the worst for me last time so I am praying this is as bad as it gets 🙏  idk why but I had delayed wds my whole taper.  I wouldn't feel the cut for over a month afterwards.  I must have a really slow metabolism or something 

[[Fa...]]

@[So...] Are you able to keep fluids down?

[[Fa...]]

@[wi...]  How are you doing now?  Please let us know if you’re up to it.

[[So...]]

 

Yes I'm keeping fluids down & I was able to eat a little bit of soup ❤️

[[Fa...]]

6 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

 

Yes I'm keeping fluids down & I was able to eat a little bit of soup ❤️

Good.  Are you able to get some sleep at night, Soapy?  

[[So...]]

@[Fa...] yes, fortunetly sleep has been one of the things that has been easy for me, surprisingly enough.  I am also on mirtazapine though so that could have something to do with it.  My only gripe about sleep is that I am waking a lot during the night with terror & I feel frozen to the bed.  Symptoms wake me in the morning.

 

I also had a question about symptoms- are all of these benzo wd?  Internal vibrating & burning, stiff/sore muscles, racing thought, desperation/terror, restlessness, severe depression, & twitching.  I am just scared right now & I know these probably are symptoms but I just wanted reassurance.

 

Still very sick, fighting for my life right now.  I want this so badly though.  I was jumping out of my skin screaming earlier & my poor husband had to watch the whole thing.

[[So...]]

Oh & @[wi...] I wanted to say sorry for assuming you were a lady before lol, I assume most of the folks on here are female for some reason automatically.  

No problems with you being a dude tho- perfectly fine with me!  Irl I usually get along with men better than women anyways lol!  

I hate fake positivity as well, though believe it or not I am usually a pretty positive person before all of this.  I just loathe this feeling of being backed into a corner that I think benzo withdrawal puts all of us thru.  Esp with the inner aka.

 

@[Fa...] yes we should all life each other up in the good moments & commiserate in the bad.  Im sure one of us here will be having a good day at least infrequently lol!  My emotions flip in a moment as well, one moment I am hopeful the next I am crying thinking this is it for me.  

 

@[gr...] I am sorry to hear you had a difficult morning today, mornings are usually the very worst for me.  Being around people is hard as well, so you aren't alone there.  I get what you mean about the staring too, I will do that or just dissociate really badly.

 

I am meeting with a coach tomorrow, Angie Peacock, so hopefully that will go well.  I want to talk to her about some of my fears.  I am very scared this is not klonopin withdrawal but instead this is just how bad the akathisia is without a benzo.  I am not sure.  I had some good days before this huge wave though that makes me think it is just klonopin withdrawal indeed though.  & like I said- this lines up with my past withdrawal & taper timelines.  I always had delayed withdrawals kick in over a month after each cut for some reason.

[[Fa...]]

@[So...] I’m glad you are able to get sleep.  That is a big one.  I’m sure the Mert is helping you.  Helps with appetite, too.  So, when things have settled some for you, you will hopefully be able to maintain weight through the healing

Yes, all of those symptoms are WD.  I have all of those.  They are ‘classic’.  Horrible, but normal.  I wake up with terror, too…every morning.

Your aren’t alone in jumping out of your skin, screaming…my family have watched me in the same state.  What happens during this is the hardest thing we’ll ever have to go through.  And, the hardest thing for our loved ones to witness.

You will win this fight, Soapy!  💗 Thinking if you, and sending Love and Healing.

[[gr...]]

It is very hard for family to watch. But, it's better for them to see me struggling in sobriety, then seeing me as a vapid, at times drunk woman. I can actually have a conversation now and my hugs mean something for them. We are going to be truly there for them. 

[[Na...]]

Praying for you, Soapybits. You will get through this. I felt hopeless so many times, but got stronger as I persevered. You are not alone. I so understand what you are going through. I’m sending you hugs of comfort, healing and peace.

Sandy

[[wi...]]

16 hours ago, [[S...] said:

I also had a question about symptoms- are all of these benzo wd?  Internal vibrating & burning, stiff/sore muscles, racing thought, desperation/terror, restlessness, severe depression, & twitching.  I am just scared right now & I know these probably are symptoms but I just wanted reassurance.

Definitely wd symptoms.   WTF is going on in the cosmic soup lately for us?  It seems we all got hit hard the past few days.

I feel like I want to run away, but there's nowhere to run and if there were, I wouldn't get the relief I fantasize that "place" would provide.

Man, you guys are so lucky and blessed you seem to get rested from sleep!  

I have to leave here shortly becasue I am having a f-ing dermatological procedure and I will have stitches for a few weeks and I get to feel them pulling and probably hurting since the area is right on my back shoulder and will have f-ing constant movement.   I want to just disappear from all this shit life brings up.  Normally it would not be a thing, but in BWD it is certainly a thing!

Great, now my eyes are burning all of a sudden (it happens to be a come and go symptom), and I'm getting blurry vision.  Shit.

 

Okay dear friends, I have to shower and shave, and then go.  Shaving my face is a challenge, too.  Argh...okay, I'm getting all spun up.  Breathe.   xo and huge hugs.

[[So...]]

I have really really good news to tell everyone!! This morning for the first time in over a month I did not wake up deathly ill in the fetal position crying & nauseus!! I would say I felt 50% and I actually felt SLEEPY & drifted back off for a bit.  I can NOT believe it, I don't know if this will last but that gave me some much needed hope you guys!!

 

I feel so overwhelmed with love & support right now, thank you so much @[Na...], I will keep persevering I promise!  I am not the type to just lay down & die so I promise to keep fighting!

 

Thank you for reassuring me about the symptoms @[wi...] at least I know I'm not crazy & not alone.  I have the feeling of wanting to run away too, I think it's the desperation that comes w this.  You just want relief but you have no where to get it.  I don't know what is with the cosmos bcuz I think the past week was the worst it has been for me so thank you guys for having my back! Good luck at the dentist, I'm sure you will do great!!

[[PE...]]

Good news