Please Pray for Me & Send Good Energy + Hope

[[Fa...]]

3 hours ago, [[S...] said:

Also widesky yes most of my days are intense fear.  I either have intense fear, extreme depression, or both.

When you say intense fear, do you fear everything?  Objects, thoughts, people, pets, etc.  That kind of fear?  And, I find this morphs into DP/DR…it is other worldly to me.

[[wi...]]

@[So...] Yes soapy, I've been dealing with this crap (to put it lightly) for most of my 1.5 year taper and since I had to CT at the end (3 months ago) since my prescriber decided he was done writing benzo scripts.  It's so painful to think of that.  I also tapered 4 psych drugs starting 4 years ago.  The psych drugs dovetailed into my starting to taper xanax, and then crossed over to valium because of interdose w/d.  In hindsight, I should have just stayed with the xanax and just did a turtle taper.  Valium gave me severe depression and I endured it for a long time.  It sucked.  I'm surprised I am alive, truly.

 

@[Fa...]  We ARE so friggin' strong! Unbelievably so.  PS-I love that you say friggin'.  I'm from NY/NJ/PA area and that is a word I are up on in the 70's and 80's!  You made me smile.

And this small family we are becoming in this thread is amazing.  I can really feel the love and concern.  This means the world to me.  Thank you all so very much. I have to make sure I'm following ya'll. Hugs.

[[mc...]]

10 hours ago, [[S...] said:

Thank you so very much everyone.  All these comments mean a lot.  Sincerely.  @[mc...] @[Fa...] I am praying for you two as well.  It seems ours are all caused by similar things.  I got mine after a rapid taper & reinstating did not work.  I am back off now.  I truly believe this will end for us all if we just keep fighting & live longer than it lasts.  I think it goes without saying that the aka comes with extreme SI.  I am just leaning on my mom & my husband trying to get thru one day at a time.  I've had the aka for 5 months now but I have gotten breaks from it here & there.  I am in the longest bad wave of it I have had so far at two weeks now.  Opiates help mine a good bit but I try to only take them 3 times a week.  At least I found something that works a bit but this is really hard..

Wow, I’m impressed you were able to get opiates. I’m afraid to take even the hydroxyzine, let alone Gabapentin because I’ve had serotonin syndrome in the past and I’m on Prozac already. Yes, if there is just something to get us through those horrid days then I think I can make it. I wish the coping techniques were enough but they just aren’t for me when this flares. 

[[mc...]]

5 hours ago, [[S...] said:

@[wi...] yeah whenever people say that inner aka isn't really aka I just say we'll whatever this is it sucks ass.  You are so strong tho, you've been dealing with this for awhile huh?  

 

@[mc...] I think holding could be a really good idea.  I doubt it is the drug causing this, once you have the injury you have the injury & I doubt however high or low you get on klonopin will change that, it will just heal organically over time.  At least that's how it was for me, there was no "stabilizing dose" 

I think the injury can heal while you hold. It can take a long time though. 

[[wi...]]

If I weren't terrified of drug dependence(thank you benzos) I would love to be able to take opiates.  I had them once during my taper after dental surgery and they really helped with mood, anxiety, sleep and energy.

Just a not so fun fact: I had to taper gabapentin before I really started tapering the benzos in a serious way, and that was very difficult.  Gabapentin is now a controlled substance in my state.  It sucks, because it did help my fibromyalgia and mood.

[[wi...]]

Goodnight benzo family.  I'm going to log off. I'll be praying for us...often! 

[[So...]]

@[Fa...] oh yes I fear EVERYTHING i am afriad i am becoming psychotic at times.  To normalize it i will share a dark secret.  This morning for example (mornings are my worst) I had a thought about Harry Potter & it got me so overstimulated & scared i was in the fetal position whimpering.  It is BAD.  I am not sure how I am alive either. 

 

@[wi...] I am so immensely sorry but also proud of you for powering on this long.  For all you know it could all be almost over soon- so congrats!  Especially tapering the other psych meds.  I am still tapering Celexa & I plan to pick that back up here soon since i have been holding for awhile.  I am going to go .01mg a day.  I have 8mg left to go, started at 40mg.  Its a bit fast but I still have another drug to go even after that one- 7.5mg remeron.  

 

@[mc...] I really wasn't able to get opiates per say, I have been buying kratom from the smoke store.  I do not believe that hydroxyxine or gabapentin touch serotonin so you would be in the clear there.  Honestly, the gabapentin may really help akathisia if you use it here & there so as to not get dependant.  It can heal & WILL heal!  It's just that unfortunate thing again where no one can say how long but you have to have HOPE.  & even if it takes a bit I think it will get better & better. 

 

I take the opiates about 3x a week so you can definetly get a dependence in that time but I am really careful to monitor my body & make sure I show no signs of opiate wd like RLS or pain.  I'm not advocating opiates tho, I want everyone to realize that, I'm just being honest about my usage.  It's legal but not monitored by a doctor or anything.

 

Goodnight friends- here is to a good morning & if it's not- than to many prayers & hope to get us thru 🙏 

[[Fa...]]

Sorry...I had to step away for a bit last night.  My mind switches over, and just looking at my phone or computer can become too scary, and I have to stop until my mind can open up a bit again and let stuff back in.  Anyone else feel this way?

Thank you all for being here...sharing...and, for your support and love. 

It's 6:30 a.m....woke in terror, and I'm doing my thing I do every morning.  I am on a farm, so I go out and let the chickens and ducks out...feed them, etc.  And, in this state, chickens look like little raptors to me.  Scary!  The way they scoot around...like a scene from Jurassic Park...it terrifies me.  I walk over to the coops with trepidation...say to myself 'you do this each morning, you can do it again'...'you've been here before, and you got through it'...it's truly crazy.

So, ya...woke up in terror.  Some mornings it's fear, some it's terror.  Sometimes it will ease off a bit, sometimes it doesn't.  Waking up into a distorted reality sucks ass in a monumental way.  This creepy, inverted world that has become my home for the last year...like someone dropped me off on another planet on a bad acid trip.  (Ya...did acid in high school a few times...so, I think the reference is a good one.)

I hope y'all slept, and slept well.  Prayed for us all last night as I always do.  And, I hope to hear that your mornings were even a little better than mine...but, preferably a lot better.

Sending Much Love and loads of Healing,

F

 

[[wi...]]

4 hours ago, [[F...] said:

Sorry...I had to step away for a bit last night.  My mind switches over, and just looking at my phone or computer can become too scary, and I have to stop until my mind can open up a bit again and let stuff back in.  Anyone else feel this way?

Thank you all for being here...sharing...and, for your support and love. 

It's 6:30 a.m....woke in terror, and I'm doing my thing I do every morning.  I am on a farm, so I go out and let the chickens and ducks out...feed them, etc.  And, in this state, chickens look like little raptors to me.  Scary!  The way they scoot around...like a scene from Jurassic Park...it terrifies me.  I walk over to the coops with trepidation...say to myself 'you do this each morning, you can do it again'...'you've been here before, and you got through it'...it's truly crazy.

So, ya...woke up in terror.  Some mornings it's fear, some it's terror.  Sometimes it will ease off a bit, sometimes it doesn't.  Waking up into a distorted reality sucks ass in a monumental way.  This creepy, inverted world that has become my home for the last year...like someone dropped me off on another planet on a bad acid trip.  (Ya...did acid in high school a few times...so, I think the reference is a good one.)

I hope y'all slept, and slept well.  Prayed for us all last night as I always do.  And, I hope to hear that your mornings were even a little better than mine...but, preferably a lot better.

Sending Much Love and loads of Healing,

F

@[Fa...] For sure regarding the scary fear mind.  It is VERY hard to deal with.  I would be freaking out internally around chickens, too.  Those quick jerky movements they make.  My mind would be deluged with flash images of how they might attack me.  I've also been waking up in terror for a while now.  I'm so tired of this ordeal and I feel very worn down and mentally exhausted by it.

Anhedonia is brutal and has been for most of my taper and now that I'm off.  How the hell can a person feel that life is good when they do not "feel" anything?!  

Back to the fear for a second.  I find that when I'm startled (which is a lot) the fear stream ramps up immediately,

The dog scares me, text and emails bring on fear, looking at photos scares me because I think of my past and how the person in those pictures seems like an alien.  Plus, seeing my body before I lost strength, muscle and hair makes me sad.  And then of course, my thoughts just race with self-blame and accusations that make EVERYTHING my fault.  God!

I am scared right now.  Sharing truthfully is scaring me. I know it's BIND, but knowing that does not always make it better..the nervous system just keep firing off hyper excited, fight or flight signals.  

Anyone afraid of talking on the phone or visiting people?  I'm totally afraid of being judged, and I have no energy these days. My muscles and joints are sore, sometimes making it exhausting to even stand up for too long.

Thanks for listening to my crap-o-la..I didn't even mean to go on about my stuff, it just started flowing through.

Now I feel guilty.  Oh, Lord help!

4 hours ago, [[F...] said:

 

 

[[Fa...]]

@[wi...]  When I was reading that, I thought I wrote it...

Yes, yes, yes to everything.

Just everything you wrote is exactly me...right down to feeling guilty at the end.

Thank you for sharing openly...through the fear.  Reading what you wrote brought comfort for me...so, thank you.  Just need to continually hear others express my experience back to me.  I hope I can do that for others as well.  Much more than that, I wish I could take all this away from all of us...right this minute.

 

 

[[So...]]

Wow you guys sound so much like me.  It's so sad & reassuring at the same time.  I woke up very sick today but today I woke up with it at 9am instead of 8am so maybe that's a good sign??  I wake up with my muscles totally locked & stiff & teffied to the point I can't move.  I also have severe burning in my whole body.  & then I feel so nauseus, I had to puke this morning again.  It's like being pregnant without the end reward lol!  Well, I guess there is an end reward to this too.  3 weeks off now & this is so bad, I just want to cry knowing what I have to wake up to everyday.  I prayed for us all last night, evenings are way better for me too, typical benzo wd 🙄

[[wi...]]

I'm glad I pushed through the fear and hit submit at the end of my post.  It makes me want to risk and open my heart to continue sharing my truth, no matter how vulnerable and terrified it may make me feel.

It is truly amazing to feel the impact of being loved and validated for my truth in benzo wd.  Deep in my core I feel my heart perking up even though I feel the zombie shell on the outside.  It's as if someone cut the cord that runs from my heart to my external response control panel.  I mean to say that I feel things deep down but they can't get to my nerves which would allow me to express them externally.  Sorry for the shitty explanation, but it's hard for me to  put this into words, I suppose.

Thank you for being here for me you guys.  At the very least, this unbelievable suffering has given us a larger capacity for being better humans with way more empathy for others.

 

Hugs to soapy, mcat and faith. xo

[[mc...]]

13 hours ago, [[S...] said:

@[Fa...] oh yes I fear EVERYTHING i am afriad i am becoming psychotic at times.  To normalize it i will share a dark secret.  This morning for example (mornings are my worst) I had a thought about Harry Potter & it got me so overstimulated & scared i was in the fetal position whimpering.  It is BAD.  I am not sure how I am alive either. 

 

@[wi...] I am so immensely sorry but also proud of you for powering on this long.  For all you know it could all be almost over soon- so congrats!  Especially tapering the other psych meds.  I am still tapering Celexa & I plan to pick that back up here soon since i have been holding for awhile.  I am going to go .01mg a day.  I have 8mg left to go, started at 40mg.  Its a bit fast but I still have another drug to go even after that one- 7.5mg remeron.  

 

@[mc...] I really wasn't able to get opiates per say, I have been buying kratom from the smoke store.  I do not believe that hydroxyxine or gabapentin touch serotonin so you would be in the clear there.  Honestly, the gabapentin may really help akathisia if you use it here & there so as to not get dependant.  It can heal & WILL heal!  It's just that unfortunate thing again where no one can say how long but you have to have HOPE.  & even if it takes a bit I think it will get better & better. 

 

I take the opiates about 3x a week so you can definetly get a dependence in that time but I am really careful to monitor my body & make sure I show no signs of opiate wd like RLS or pain.  I'm not advocating opiates tho, I want everyone to realize that, I'm just being honest about my usage.  It's legal but not monitored by a doctor or anything.

 

Goodnight friends- here is to a good morning & if it's not- than to many prayers & hope to get us thru 🙏 

I have really bad pain already from the benzo withdrawal so I’m not sure how I would know the difference. 

[[mc...]]

2 minutes ago, [[w...] said:

I'm glad I pushed through the fear and hit submit at the end of my post.  It makes me want to risk and open my heart to continue sharing my truth, no matter how vulnerable and terrified it may make me feel.

It is truly amazing to feel the impact of being loved and validated for my truth in benzo wd.  Deep in my core I feel my heart perking up even though I feel the zombie shell on the outside.  It's as if someone cut the cord that runs from my heart to my external response control panel.  I mean to say that I feel things deep down but they can't get to my nerves which would allow me to express them externally.  Sorry for the shitty explanation, but it's hard for me to  put this into words, I suppose.

Thank you for being here for me you guys.  At the very least, this unbelievable suffering has given us a larger capacity for being better humans with way more empathy for others.

 

Hugs to soapy, mcat and faith. xo

I think it’s dpdr and anedohnia that keeps us from accessing emotions. I have that too. 

[[wi...]]

yes, it is.  It's brutal.

[[mc...]]

39 minutes ago, [[w...] said:

@[Fa...] For sure regarding the scary fear mind.  It is VERY hard to deal with.  I would be freaking out internally around chickens, too.  Those quick jerky movements they make.  My mind would be deluged with flash images of how they might attack me.  I've also been waking up in terror for a while now.  I'm so tired of this ordeal and I feel very worn down and mentally exhausted by it.

Anhedonia is brutal and has been for most of my taper and now that I'm off.  How the hell can a person feel that life is good when they do not "feel" anything?!  

Back to the fear for a second.  I find that when I'm startled (which is a lot) the fear stream ramps up immediately,

The dog scares me, text and emails bring on fear, looking at photos scares me because I think of my past and how the person in those pictures seems like an alien.  Plus, seeing my body before I lost strength, muscle and hair makes me sad.  And then of course, my thoughts just race with self-blame and accusations that make EVERYTHING my fault.  God!

I am scared right now.  Sharing truthfully is scaring me. I know it's BIND, but knowing that does not always make it better..the nervous system just keep firing off hyper excited, fight or flight signals.  

Anyone afraid of talking on the phone or visiting people?  I'm totally afraid of being judged, and I have no energy these days. My muscles and joints are sore, sometimes making it exhausting to even stand up for too long.

Thanks for listening to my crap-o-la..I didn't even mean to go on about my stuff, it just started flowing through.

Now I feel guilty.  Oh, Lord help!

 

 

[[So...]]

@[wi...] i am glad you pushed thru the fear too & posted, that was very brave & selfless of you.  It does make me feel better to know that this irrational fear is just benzo wd & I am not alone. 

 

I also have the emotional blunting as well but it's like I can feel all the bad emotions, just not the good ones.  It's like, I know deep down that I love my dogs for example but I have not been able to express that since before my first benzo withdrawal.  I never get excited about anything or feel accomplishment or pride for anything I do.  

 

I do have a large amount of empathy for others, even greater than I did before, & you all don't know how badly I wish to be able to wave a magic wand for us all & make everyone better.  

 

@[mc...] I am sorry you are in so much pain from the benzo withdrawal but it will pass.  We will all get all of our emotions back too.  We just have to get thru this, one heartbreaking day at a time ❤️

[[wi...]]

3 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

I also have the emotional blunting as well but it's like I can feel all the bad emotions, just not the good ones.  It's like, I know deep down that I love my dogs for example but I have not been able to express that since before my first benzo withdrawal.  I never get excited about anything or feel accomplishment or pride for anything I do. 

I couldn't have said it better.  When my brain tells me I'm making these symptoms up, I remember it can't be true since others are experiencing the same EXACT thing.

I also feel super needy.  It's so tough to feel that way, it undermines all the maturing I've done in my life.  I feel like an insecure teenager or possibly even younger!

[[Fa...]]

I have so much more I want to respond to…just having a hard time writing right now.  But, I will respond when I’m back to where I need to be.

Day 10 of reduction…you al know what it’s like.

Also, sending the three of you a huge hugs.  

[[Fa...]]

10 minutes ago, [[w...] said:

I couldn't have said it better.  When my brain tells me I'm making these symptoms up, I remember it can't be true since others are experiencing the same EXACT thing.

I also feel super needy.  It's so tough to feel that way, it undermines all the maturing I've done in my life.  I feel like an insecure teenager or possibly even younger!

Omg…I wanted to write the same thoughts and feelings.

Exactly…we know for sure what this is when we are all feeling exactly the same.  No second guessing.  It’s the f’n drug!  Period.

[[So...]]

Oh wow you said it! @[wi...] I feel like a literal CHILD, i am a 25 yr old married woman & never have i needed my mom so much in my life.  I just call her & cry & cry but she promises we will get thru this & she will not let me fail. Same with my husband but it's a bit harder to be as vulnerable with him, it's embarrassing.  We have to do what we have to do tho. 

I find myself getting really paranoid that what I'm feeling could be the other meds I'm on which is why I'm in a frenzy to cut them but it's so hard to really put my finger on it.  It sounds way more like benzo wd than antidepressant wd tho but who knows really.  I just wanna be med free..

 

& @[Fa...] no worries, i have been too bad to type many times on this journey, I completely understand.  What did you cut too?  Much love you can do this!

[[Fa...]]

@[So...]  I cut to .86mg.  I have so far to go still.  I get very down about it.  Feels like I’m already experiencing acute much of the time.  If you look at my history, you can see what a shit show it has been.  Tapering has been incredibly difficult.  Like many, I started injured…and, I made mistake after mistake.  Learned what I needed to too late.  Again, like many.  So many times, I have been tempted to just CT out of feeling desperate.

Thank you for your encouragement. ❤️

[[So...]]

Yeah @[Fa...] you can see from my signature (so glad they're back now) it has been a complete shit show for me too.  I don't think that's too uncommon.  I didn't even find benzo buddies until the day before the psych ward.  Shouldn't have gone in but that's the past.

I was tempted many times to ct on my last reinstatement too.  It ended up actually happening & I feel bad to say that I was a bit relieved.  Especially bcuz I didn't know for two weeks & thought I had just lost my mind!

[[Fa...]]

@[So...]  You jumped from .90mg Clonazepam?  I see it was an error...but, you jumped from higher than where I am.

[[mc...]]

21 hours ago, [[F...] said:

That is the same in my case.  This is as stable as I get.  In tolerance for many years.  Tapering in tolerance is not what you want.  I tried the hold.  I am tapering responsibly and safely.  

How long have you tried holding? I’m working with OHSU team that is doing benzo research as well as Dr. Horowitz, Chris Paige and some others. They are saying indefinite hold, until symptoms manageable. Maybe 2 years. I’m in tolerance withdrawal as well.