Please Pray for Me & Send Good Energy + Hope

[[Ma...]]

@[Fa...] Awe, Faith, always so very kind. My broken toes are mending, thank you, just not my brain. My friend took me for a car ride (10 minutes) this morning and I almost lost my mind. There’s just gray matter where my brain should be; my vision is off as is verbal communication. It’s a nightmare of epic proportions.

 I hope you get to baseline QUICKLY after this recent cut 🤞❤️‍🩹!

[[wi...]]

4 hours ago, [[F...] said:

Please don’t feel that you need to delete your posts.  We have all expressed things we feel uncomfortable posting.  It can feel like we’re naked standing on a stage for all to see us.  I would encourage you to try to push through if you can.  If its too much, I understand.

@[Es...] I echo what faith posted above. I completely get it, though.  I get petrified sometimes before I hit the "submit" button after I type.  When someone posts candidly, it gives me permission to breathe and to continue to make myself vulnerable when I need to share what I think is "horrible" content for which I will be judged and spurned.

Thank you for being brave and welcome to the thread.

 

Today is waxing and waning between 5-9.  No matter how you slice it, this is painful and we so need each other, even though the twisted chemical message in my brain tells me nobody can or should care about me, I'm too messed up. Even when I know it is the brain healing which makes the chemical soup in my head crazy, I still can't shake the intrusive voice that is constantly judging me and telling me horrific lies about myself and others.  it's like the little devil on one's shoulder.  Awful.

 

Anyway, you can find a home here with incredible people.  I've come to love these fellow warriors like my own family, even a little more! Yeah, it's kinda true.  See, I'm not going to delete that, because it is how I feel and I do not want to hold that in and let the poison fester.  I'm just mad at some family members who are very difficult and sometimes verbally abusive and shaming with regard to my plight.

[[wi...]]

@[So...] Hey you, thank you for asking about me!  I'm a little wobbly mentally and I've been getting bursts of anger which leads to anxiety, then the damn rapid heartbeat and racing pulse which throbs throughout my entire body.  When any symptoms come on or intensify, tinnitus ALWAY gets louder.  It's my gauge in knowing all this is connected.  Even though my mind says all these symptoms are from something else and I'll never be okay, I know they are my nervous system healing from/in BIND.

Currently, I can't seem to move past the intrusive thoughts very easily, which is literally stopping me in my tracks feeling PTSD terror.  I don't even think I'm explaining it well.  It's hard to communicate/type but I WANT TO!!  God, it's so freaking weird!!!  Grrr!

I also forced myself to drive 80 miles yesterday and today, thank god for that as it gives me the illusion of moving...it's kind of a release (but not really) from the inner akathisia.  A distraction, I should say.

So today I had some really awful young hoodlums (who wouldn't get out of the way of my car) taunt me in the parking lot.  I don't even want to get specific, but I felt like going into a rampage, but I didn't. I am floored by the behavior of people these days.  It's like they get off on evil and hate.  Mind you I was not doing anything wrong, they just wouldn't get out of the way for me and the line of cars behind me.  They were laughing like they were high on some drugs.  Dear god!!

Okay, I'll be back soon.  Need to finish up this post. 

 

[[Fa...]]

11 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

@[Fa...] Awe, Faith, always so very kind. My broken toes are mending, thank you, just not my brain. My friend took me for a car ride (10 minutes) this morning and I almost lost my mind. There’s just gray matter where my brain should be; my vision is off as is verbal communication. It’s a nightmare of epic proportions.

 I hope you get to baseline QUICKLY after this recent cut 🤞❤️‍🩹!

Oh, my verbal communication is pretty bad, too.  A car ride?  Good for you for going…whether it felt good or not.  Baby steps!

My vision is getting more and more blurry as I reduce.  My baseline blows!   I go by time rather than symptoms…if I waited for a decent baseline, I’d never reduce.  Thank you, though…who knows…maybe things will improve at some point.

❤️

[[Es...]]

@[wi...]

I also have abusive family members. My Mother. But we don't live together. I live alone with my Kitty. It's night here and I'm happy to have found this place. Yes, we have what is called in psychology a cognitive bias. Also the Inner Critic, my Mother. I've internalized her voice. Yes, it's good to express painful feelings. It’s cathartic.

You guys have made me sleepy. I start feeling safe here. I have never judged other people, but have been very harsh towards myself. I think the universal bond between us is compassion and empathy. But we lack self-compassion.

I'm so sleepy. I imagine us all in a big room with a fireplace... It’s cold and raining outside, but each of us is safe on their own futon (mattress), with a pillow and weighted blanket.

Funny, cause it's the midst of Summer here, but the world seems so cold nowadays. I'm gonna sleep now. Love you guys. Will do my best to help you and to help myself. Please stay safe, all of you, keeping you in my thoughts🤍

[[Ma...]]

Sweet dreams @[Es...]!

Does anyone else have severe mood swings? I’m never happy or smile, but I cry like a lunatic then have these intense moods (Neuro emotions) that scare the hell of of me…

[[wi...]]

@[Ma...]Yep, my mood swings like a pendulum!  I feel emotionally blunted 98% of the time and I can't cry!  It's CNS anhedonia.  I wish I could get some release from crying.

And Estee---Sleep well! I can't wait to feel sleepy again, it's been almost 2 years.  I sleep a few hours at night when I don't have the racing energy, but I never ever get "sleepy" or feel rested.  A very disturbing symptom, indeed.

 

 

[[wi...]]

@[Fa...]Just saying hello. I'm unclear as to if you made a cut or not today?

 

[[Fa...]]

3 minutes ago, [[w...] said:

@[Fa...]Just saying hello. I'm unclear as to if you made a cut or not today?

Hey there!

I’m on day 3 of a cut.  I want to say each time ‘this one feels worse’…but, I don’t even know.

I can cry sometimes…it’s not cathartic, though.  Sometimes, it’s more just the action of crying…so messed up.  I’m actually afraid to cry cause it sets me off.  But, we both need a real cry to release all the emotions.  One day, you will just have a good cry…and, it will be when you least expect it.  And, you will cry with sorrow and happiness simultaneously.

I was thinking the same as I read @[Es...]’s post.  To feel sleepy…be in an inviting space in winter with a fireplace going.  I actually felt that when I read it…to feel peace and calm in my body and enjoy a roaring fire wrapped up in blankets and cozy.  What does cozy feel like?

I still sleep because I am still dosing.  I am up at 4, but I do get about 5-7 hours of sleep.  Varies.  I’m waiting to see what happens as I get lower.

Did you view the apartment?  Any news with it?

Inner AKA is horrendous.  All AKA is horrendous.  That was a long drive.  I’m glad you were able to feel some relief/distraction.

[[Fa...]]

34 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

Sweet dreams @[Es...]!

Does anyone else have severe mood swings? I’m never happy or smile, but I cry like a lunatic then have these intense moods (Neuro emotions) that scare the hell of of me…

I have mood swings…things change in minutes.  Never happy…depressed to terrified to angry…I can feel my brain just switch over.  Never know who I will be from one moment to the next.

[[Fa...]]

Hey All,

I have a question.  Has anyone else lost the ability to have expression when you talk?  Do you understand what I mean?  It’s like I am not able to emphasize words…more so because I just don’t have interest, or emotion behind them.  Maybe it’s just depression.  Just have zero energy to speak…and, really not much to say at all.  It takes everything for me to speak a sentence…and, it’s forced.  I can’t really even explain myself.  And, if I were to try harder, I would just cry.  I think it’s just too over-stimulating, too.  And, talking about anything ‘normal’ always reminds me of how ‘not normal’ I am right now.  Everything becomes a trigger.

Best I can explain it.  

[[wi...]]

@[Fa...] Yes, I did see the apartment the other day and went again today to "feel" the space.  It's really small and it smells. The workers have been smoking cigs in there, too.

It's also not the best area.  It's hard to trust myself as far as making the decision not to take it.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  It's really been shredding my mind and I'm fearing so many bad things happening.  I'm going to keep looking.

[[wi...]]

1 minute ago, [[F...] said:

Hey All,

I have a question.  Has anyone else lost the ability to have expression when you talk?  Do you understand what I mean?  It’s like I am not able to emphasize words…more so because I just don’t have interest, or emotion behind them.  Maybe it’s just depression.  Just have zero energy to speak…and, really not much to say at all.  It takes everything for me to speak a sentence…and, it’s forced.  I can’t really even explain myself.  And, if I were to try harder, I would just cry.  I think it’s just too over-stimulating, too.  And, talking about anything ‘normal’ always reminds me of how ‘not normal’ I am right now.  Everything becomes a trigger.

Best I can explain it.  

Yes, I've been like this throughout most of my taper and now that I'm  off via CT 13 weeks ago.  It sucks.

[[Fa...]]

13 minutes ago, [[w...] said:

Yes, I've been like this throughout most of my taper and now that I'm  off via CT 13 weeks ago.  It sucks.

It’s horrible. 🙁

[[Ma...]]

@[Fa...] I live in the city and see neighbors every time I go out and have to talk with them. Every time I walk away shaking my head b/c I sound like an insane woman. Most of what I say is simply ridiculous and I mean I totally present…well, my brain damage is almost complete 🥺

[[Fa...]]

16 minutes ago, [[w...] said:

@[Fa...] Yes, I did see the apartment the other day and went again today to "feel" the space.  It's really small and it smells. The workers have been smoking cigs in there, too.

It's also not the best area.  It's hard to trust myself as far as making the decision not to take it.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  It's really been shredding my mind and I'm fearing so many bad things happening.  I'm going to keep looking.

That doesn’t sound positive.  Are there others to look at?

It’s so difficult to tune into our gut feelings/intuition when we are like this.  I know what you mean about questioning ourselves in making a good decision.  And, fear of making the wrong one.  

[[Fa...]]

1 minute ago, [[M...] said:

@[Fa...] I live in the city and see neighbors every time I go out and have to talk with them. Every time I walk away shaking my head b/c I sound like an insane woman. Most of what I say is simply ridiculous and I mean I totally present…well, my brain damage is almost complete 🥺

Not damaged, Mary.  Injured. ❤️

[[wi...]]

I haven't had this symptom in over  month, but today it came back.  It's eye pain!  It hurts to touch my eyeballs and sometimes even moving them around kinda aches.  They feel tight, too. Also dry as if I've been in a windstorm!

My vision varies in degrees of blurriness.  Seeing floaters now, too.  Sorry to complain, but it's like if I don't acknowledge it, it just repeats in my psyche.

 

I also notice my GI issues are back, too.  Heartburn and indigestion from almost everything I eat, and that soreness in mouth, sensitive to salt and such, canker sores two weeks ago.   Okay, I'm shutting up.

 

[[Fa...]]

1 hour ago, [[w...] said:

I haven't had this symptom in over  month, but today it came back.  It's eye pain!  It hurts to touch my eyeballs and sometimes even moving them around kinda aches.  They feel tight, too. Also dry as if I've been in a windstorm!

My vision varies in degrees of blurriness.  Seeing floaters now, too.  Sorry to complain, but it's like if I don't acknowledge it, it just repeats in my psyche.

I also notice my GI issues are back, too.  Heartburn and indigestion from almost everything I eat, and that soreness in mouth, sensitive to salt and such, canker sores two weeks ago.   Okay, I'm shutting up.

The gift that keeps on giving...totally sucks.  Ya...get it out of your head by writing it down.

I've had the salty-metallic taste in my mouth for months, and my mouth is numb...tongue, too.  Haven't experienced the soreness.  But, I did have a blood blister on my tongue a week ago or so.

Seems like we have to be open to ever-changing symptoms.  This is new for me.  Another thing I didn't understand.  Thought my symptoms were my symptoms.  I've had to change my expectations now.  Funny how you just don't know until you know...then another whole shift in perspective about what is really going on happens.

 

 

[[Es...]]

5 hours ago, [[F...] said:

Hey there!

I’m on day 3 of a cut.  I want to say each time ‘this one feels worse’…but, I don’t even know.

I can cry sometimes…it’s not cathartic, though.  Sometimes, it’s more just the action of crying…so messed up.  I’m actually afraid to cry cause it sets me off.  But, we both need a real cry to release all the emotions.  One day, you will just have a good cry…and, it will be when you least expect it.  And, you will cry with sorrow and happiness simultaneously.

I was thinking the same as I read @[Es...]’s post.  To feel sleepy…be in an inviting space in winter with a fireplace going.  I actually felt that when I read it…to feel peace and calm in my body and enjoy a roaring fire wrapped up in blankets and cozy.  What does cozy feel like?

I still sleep because I am still dosing.  I am up at 4, but I do get about 5-7 hours of sleep.  Varies.  I’m waiting to see what happens as I get lower.

Did you view the apartment?  Any news with it?

Inner AKA is horrendous.  All AKA is horrendous.  That was a long drive.  I’m glad you were able to feel some relief/distraction.

@[Fa...]

I also have mood swings. Although I’m mostly depressed. The real moments of joy are with my Kitty. I sleep like 3 hrs a night, then 3-4 hrs a day. I take an AD, but it only numbs my feelings. And makes me sleep. Yes, I hate talking as well. I dread it. I quit therapy cause of this. I like my pdoc, but prefer talking to him via Skype, with my Kitty in her space capsule, high on the wall. So we are a trio. Funny thing, once I start talking to him I cannot stop. He’s got three cats. Wait, here is my Kitty in her space capsule during my shrink sessions. Oh, she listens to him intently! She seems to understand everything and sees him on screen:

[[Es...]]

@[wi...]

Glad you like her! She's a gem. Wouldn't be alive without her today.Now sleeps on her Bari-Bari with eyes half-open, in order to have control over her dysfunctional Mother. Watches me like a hawk. I don't have eye pain, but terrible itching. I'm allergic to dust, pollen etc. Plus BZD WD makes it worse. I have Rx for several eye-drops, as I cannot take anti-histamine pills. GI issues as well, maybe you could use some probiotic? Or consult a dietetician? I was on PPI for years but cannot take them now since they make me depressed. I started them when I was constantly nauseated from Lexapro. They did a gastroscopy, what a nice procedure. No anaesthesia, as it doesn't hurt. But it's terrible nevertheless. They were able to determine what I have and told me to stay on PPI forever. Also Helicobacter pylori  causes a lot of GI issues. I exterminated it with the aid of two antibiotics, almost exterminating myself in the process😆 Blurry vision... no, but I have a very poor sight. I wish I had studied medicine. Human body is the greatest mystery of all...

[[Bl...]]

7 hours ago, [[F...] said:

 

 

[[Si...]]

no sleep last night and still horrible anxiety.

 

I can't function.  I feel I'm the only one with this anxiety.

[[Wi...]]

6 hours ago, [[E...] said:

@[wi...]

Glad you like her! She's a gem. Wouldn't be alive without her today.Now sleeps on her Bari-Bari with eyes half-open, in order to have control over her dysfunctional Mother. Watches me like a hawk. I don't have eye pain, but terrible itching. I'm allergic to dust, pollen etc. Plus BZD WD makes it worse. I have Rx for several eye-drops, as I cannot take anti-histamine pills. GI issues as well, maybe you could use some probiotic? Or consult a dietetician? I was on PPI for years but cannot take them now since they make me depressed. I started them when I was constantly nauseated from Lexapro. They did a gastroscopy, what a nice procedure. No anaesthesia, as it doesn't hurt. But it's terrible nevertheless. They were able to determine what I have and told me to stay on PPI forever. Also Helicobacter pylori  causes a lot of GI issues. I exterminated it with the aid of two antibiotics, almost exterminating myself in the process😆 Blurry vision... no, but I have a very poor sight. I wish I had studied medicine. Human body is the greatest mystery of all...

A lovely kitty!

Btw, I was told 10 years ago, at the age of 22, that I would have to take PPIs forever due to GERD. I kept taking it regularly until a year ago after my setback I started reacting to it. I was pregnant at the time and it added to my heartburn, it was a nightmare but I replaced PPIs with Gaviscon and managed to wean myself off! I still have some issues but not as bad as they made me believe. They like us hooked on drugs. 
 

I also had endoscopy 3 times, no sedation. Fortunately, the stomach looked fine. 

[[Es...]]

@[Wi...]

Glad you liked my Kitty. If the stomach looked okay, there was no reason to continue PPI. But kudos on these three endoscopies, you’re brave🤍 I have herbal remedies for nausea and Rx remedies if I’m about to vomit.

I feel very nauseated today, I hope it subsides. I wasn’t eating for three days and when I finally ate, my stomach wants to reject that food.

Cannot buy Ensures online for tomorrow, cause it’s some religious holiday. I’m left with two only. I practically survive on them.