Thoughts on mental symptoms...

[[Fa...]]

One of my most despairing symptoms, second to terror, that I experience is the feeling that all I have ever done has been a failure.  The lens through which I see everything has me feeling such a lack of self-worth and value.  So much has been lost over the years.  And, even in my state, I can see in hindsight that my decisions and choices were absolutely influenced by a very diminished version of myself that occurred slowly over a long period of time on this drug.  And, not just diminished, but so altered.  The all-consuming feeling is that of all of the mistakes I have made, and my 'mind' does not let the smallest of details escape my memory...while simultaneously not being able to utilize my memory in the here and now.  I cannot bring forth one 'good' thing or accomplishment that I have made...all that my mind allows me to see are mistakes and short-comings.  This skewed way of seeing the world and my life...past, present and future...is heartbreaking.  I realize it is not fully the truth; however, the lies are strong...and, because much has been lost in the now, it makes it very difficult to break free from this lens and not buy into...not that I could on demand because this is a symptom.

My mental symptoms are my worst, and I have said before that they are truly the soul-sucking symptoms.  For anyone else who experiences mental symptoms in this way, I feel you.  And, while I know what is happening...the reality of what this is when I get a moment of clarity and space in my mind, I am able to see a glimpse of truth.  But, it is so difficult when you are thrown back into it again and again.

Just a transparent, heartfelt share...

Warmly,

F 

[[Br...]]

The symptoms you describe are excruciating.  I'm glad you recognize this is a distorted view of your life. We know that this state of mind and negatively skewed perspective are just more of the vicious lies benzos tell us, lies generated by the brain as it heals.  You articulate this wretched experience so well - it is a gift to other members who will recognize their own experience in your description.  I certainly recognize  my experience. I ruminated everyday about long forgotten mistakes and an astounding multitude of regrets, major and minor.  My brain seemed to be scouring my memory for material to feel bad about.  It was tortuous.  At almost four years post jump I'm very grateful that balance has returned for me as I have recovered. You are on your way there.

[[Fa...]]

11 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

The symptoms you describe are excruciating.  I'm glad you recognize this is a distorted view of your life. We know that this state of mind and negatively skewed perspective are just more of the vicious lies benzos tell us, lies generated by the brain as it heals.  You articulate this wretched experience so well - it is a gift to other members who will recognize their own experience in your description.  I certainly recognize  my experience. I ruminated everyday about long forgotten mistakes and an astounding multitude of regrets, major and minor.  My brain seemed to be scouring my memory for material to feel bad about.  It was tortuous.  At almost four years post jump I'm very grateful that balance has returned for me as I have recovered. You are on your way there.

Thank you for validating my experience, Brighterday.  Wretched is an excellent word.  Insidious is another that comes to mind. 

[[du...]]

@[Fa...] I am glad that you realize that it is the drugs in your system that are making you feel this way. Like you I am constantly fighting intrusive thoughts that tell me I am a terrible husband, father, son, and grad student. On top of that it seems that every time I fall asleep I am rushed with a billion regrets in life that make me feel sad and miserable. While I don’t know you, I am assured that you are nothing short of a miraculous person that has contributed so much to society, and will continue to do so. I know that if feels impossible and it’s hard to accept, but I would advise you to do some self realization by making a list of things you do well, reaching out to a support member and letting them know how much they mean to you, journal, or maybe draw. Keep being strong!

[[Fa...]]

@[du...] Thank you for your thoughtful reply and support.  I so appreciate it. 

[[St...]]

Hi Faith,

Thank you for writing this.  I would have written this if I could have courage to.  Today I was walking around my house and I felt like none of it seemed mine.  Thoughts of my family coming and going, and the many years of life that have gone on here, like that is all over and I am left here alone.  It is really strange.  The reality is that I am loved and I still have a life here.  But isn't it strange that things don't seem real?  I am about one or two cuts away from my taper being over.  The depression is very hard hitting right now, but I need this to be over and the healing to begin.   Good night to you my friend.  

[[wi...]]

I'm right with you Faith.  You do have the ability to explain things so well. 

[[Bu...]]

God bless you, Faith. Thank you for sharing: I have exactly the same symptoms you have and I realize I'm not alone.

[[wi...]]

It's so good knowing we have one another to lean on!

[[Ma...]]

Right there with you. You have a community of people who not only feel similarly, but support you.

You also do have a gift with words. Do you journal? I would encourage you do do so and keep sharing!

[[Fa...]]

13 hours ago, [[w...] said:

It's so good knowing we have one another to lean on!

This I am so grateful for...from my heart.  

[[Fa...]]

13 hours ago, [[M...] said:

Right there with you. You have a community of people who not only feel similarly, but support you.

You also do have a gift with words. Do you journal? I would encourage you do do so and keep sharing!

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words.  And, thank you for complimenting my writing.  It had been something I did a lot of.  I found it to be very cathartic.  Then writing became very difficult for me, and I know it has to do with the drugs...inspiration/motivation depleted over time, and I stopped.  I blogged and did other things prior to this 'numbing' happening...prior to even knowing what was happening to me.

This cause...what we are all going through here...this is everything right now for all of us.  This 'bubble' we find ourselves in, we need to continue to share and get this out of us as it builds and builds and creates so much dis-ease within us which just makes our symptoms worse.  When I feel I have something that may be of value for all, I will write.  And, I am grateful I have others content to read...truly.

Warmly,

F

 

[[Da...]]

Omg this is me EXACTLY and what’s worse is that I did horrendous things in the meds. I even divorced my much loved husband on a whim!

This was so well written and I have tears in my eyes reading it. 
 

May we both heal and go on to make new better memories and better choices in the life with have left !

[[Fa...]]

43 minutes ago, [[D...] said:

Omg this is me EXACTLY and what’s worse is that I did horrendous things in the meds. I even divorced my much loved husband on a whim!

This was so well written and I have tears in my eyes reading it. 
 

May we both heal and go on to make new better memories and better choices in the life with have left !

Hi Dancingalone (I like your name)

I did things that were not in line with who I truly am during that time as well.  Many things.  I relate to relationship decisions during...not necessarily leaving them for me, but choosing the ones I had...and, eventually leaving as a result of making choices from an unsound state and poor judgement.

'May we both heal and go on to make new better memories and better choices in the life with have left !'...absolutely!  Amen to that. 

[[wi...]]

here, here...i'm joining in agreement !

[[Fa...]]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies to my post.  Such a wonderful group of people.  Very grateful.

Much Love,

F

[[Je...]]

This is exactly what I feel.  The mental aspects of tapering are pure hell.  If there was hell on earth, this is the experience!  
 

I see myself through this distorted lens with my life being one entire mistake.  I can’t see one thing I have done right nor one quality about myself that is of value.  I know I have a lot and I know I am not my mistakes, but no matter how hard I try to convince myself that it is the drug speaking, I cannot seem to break through.  The lens is so clouded and nothing seems to uplift the fog.

For myself, I have made lots of horrible mistakes.  Many due to my disease and all of those mistakes were when I was using, but I still take the blame.  37 and my mind tells me that I have nothing to show for it. And now that I’m riddled with this anxiety, it’s even harder to get my life back.  Business went down the drain, no direction, no motivation.  And the benzos are there to tell me that I’m worthless.  I’m a loser.  If I were to die right now, I have nothing to show for it but one huge wasted pathetic life!

 

What a cruel drug.  And I’m so sorry you feel this way because I know how hard it is from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep.  But as you said in the other thread, something great awaits us on the other side.  
 

I think we have to focus on that other side.  And accept these thoughts and the situation we are in.  I have had a hard time accepting this as I wake up every morning with the first thought as “oh I’m withdrawing from benzos today.”  I see the world having fun and imagine people getting up excited for the day and I’m trying to muster strength to get out of bed.  
 

There is beauty in the struggle.  With pain comes growth.  I think we need to remind ourselves that we are going through something that most normal people will never have the chance to go through.  This experience gives us a chance to grow into the strongest, the most beautiful person we ever had the chance of becoming.  Have you ever met a strong person who didn’t endure suffering? 
 

As you have shown kindness to so many others here, it is clear there is so much strength within you already.  Just imagine how strong you will be when you conquer this demon.  You will have full control over your thoughts and nothing will be able to stop you! 
 

😊

[[Fa...]]

@[Je...]  Thank you, Jeff.  It's so nice to have you in the community...but, you know I also wish you weren't.  You know what I mean.  

'There is beauty in the struggle.  With pain comes growth.  I think we need to remind ourselves that we are going through something that most normal people will never have the chance to go through.  This experience gives us a chance to grow into the strongest, the most beautiful person we ever had the chance of becoming.  Have you ever met a strong person who didn’t endure suffering?'

I think the beauty can/will be seen in hindsight or in the occurrence of 'glimpses' or 'windows'.  For me, right now, there is nothing gracious about how I am moving through it...and, I try to 'suffer well'...however you interpret that.  Most times, it is just very ugly.

I 'meet' the strongest people I have ever met in my life everyday here on this site and in the community...THE STRONGEST.  I've not in my life met stronger people than in this community who suffer so greatly day in and day out for months and years and STILL extend themselves out to others to help comfort and encourage.  And, it so often makes me cry when I read comments because I am so moved.  I'm grateful that I can still be moved at times, you know?  And, I want to do that, too.  Maybe I can't help with what I am in the throes of all the time, but I may be able to help with something that I have moved through.  Many have such courage to help others in terrible, terrible situations as they are in the thick of the same themselves.  Some may call it 'the drowning helping the drowning'...and, it is such a testimony to the strength and compassion that we still show up in the midst of our own 'wreckage'...and, I wipe away tears as I write this. (Day 6 of a cut today...so, tears are good.)

'I have had a hard time accepting this as I wake up every morning with the first thought as “oh I’m withdrawing from benzos today.”' 

I know you are experiencing the same horrific wake-ups as I, and it's so true.  There are a few moments before it hits sometimes for me, not all the time, and you wait for it because you know it's coming.  And, I think the same thing...or it takes a moment to catch up mentally, and when it does, my heart sinks...'oh ya...I'm in benzo withdrawal, and I've been here a long time and will continue for a long time still'.  It is like after losing someone you love, and the days after when you awaken, it takes a moment to remember they are gone, and when you do, it feels as though you've just been told for the first time...again.  And, you muster up the courage to do what you have to do to find yourself at the end of another day.

'Just imagine how strong you will be when you conquer this demon.  You will have full control over your thoughts and nothing will be able to stop you!' 

This is a demon, absolutely.  To have full control over my thoughts again will be my prayers answered, and I want that for you, and for everyone gong through this.

You are a lighthouse, Jeff.  Thank you for what you have brought to this site.   We all bring something different, ya know?  A tapestry of 'healers' in our right...with insight and understanding that could not have come to us/through us any other way than through this unique/full spectrum suffering we have endured.  You have to go through it in order to really be able to hold space for another going through it.

Whoever finds you when you achieve your dream of being an addiction specialist/therapist is going have hit the jackpot.  They will be blessed.

Warmly,

F