Question About Failed Reinstatements..

[[So...]]

Hey guys, so something has really been picking my mind & making my thoughts loop bad.  I know that even if I know the answer to this it isn't going to change anything but maybe it could help my thoughts settle down.

 

So, when I was 2.5 months off klonopin the first time I developed some scary symptoms that made me reinstate.  Acid burning in my veins, adrenaline rushes, restlessness, despair, internal pressure, & severe panic.  So I got scared that it was from the antidepressants I am on & I reinstated.

 

Well, that really didn't do shit.  It was a failed reinstatement.  I have since bumped my antidepressants down A LOT & gotten back off the klonopin & these symptoms still haunt me.  My question is- why.  If I could know why I feel like my suffering could have reason & I could see an end to it.  It's just the fact that I don't know if I had a delayed acute withdrawal, if it's delayed side effects from the antidepressants.  Also- if it was a delayed withdrawal then WHY did the reinstatement not help.

 

With all my other symptoms they have come & go but these ones haunt me.  I can't say they never go away, becuz they do, sometimes for almost the whole day, but I have had them EVERY SINGLE DAY for almost 5 months & I'm going insane.  Can anyone explain any of this to me??

My doctor thinks it was all from the benzo & that injury is just morphing & manifesting in different ways but if SO why has the unbearable stuff stuck around?  

 

I just needed to get that off my chest, I feel like this haunts me everyday & now being at 7.5mg Remeron & 8mg Celexa I feel like I am poisoning myself everyday & I feel stuck on them.

 

I just want to know what's happening to my body, I feel like I have that right but there is no test for this stuff.  Anyone with a similar experience I could really appreciate, thanks

[[je...]]

Are you saying when you jumped the first time, you only experienced acute after 2.5 months?

[[Ha...]]

You've made a lot of changes in quite a short space of time, it's little wonder you are suffering for it. It's not clear how long you reinstated for, but it can take time to stabilise. I've seen people mention they didn't for upto a year after reinstating. Coming back off would generally mean an increase in symptoms. Add into that you are tapering AD's your brain is trying to keep up with the changes. As your doctor has also pointed out, things can morph and new symptoms can arise for a while after you stop. It's always the main bothersome symptoms that stick around unfortunately. 

Have you considered holding your taper for a while? I understand the desire to be free of meds, but you might be giving your brain/body too much to deal with at once. It's a difficult one really, when coming off different meds to know exactly what the cause of your symptoms are. Celexa for example can be stimulating. But if you've been on it for a long time and stable, not so much. 

Personally, and it's meant as medical advice but I think rushing things could make things worse

[[So...]]

@[je...] so, I made a lot of mistakes but this is the summary of what happened. 

I did have an acute klonopin withdrawal but it consisted of anxiety, depression, DPDR, head pressure, mild hallucinations,& agitation/restlessness.  When it got bad with all the other things I listed was 2.5 months in when I started messing with my other meds. 

I will tell you the idiotic things I did while being convinced I was being poisoned by the psych ward.  I CTed 900mg of Gabapentin, 30mg a day of Propanolol after a month.  All was still fine honestly.  Another month later all hell broke lose after I cut my Remeron from 15mg to 10.5mg & I have tried reinstating & jumping again, raising the remeron, lowering it, lowering my Celexa, adding back in propanolol and clonodine, nothing.  Nothing has helped & I haven't stabilized since.. that was almost 5 months ago. The only two things that have slightly helped are kratom which I know is terrible for you & I feel like shit about myself everytime I use it, and Gabapentin which I am half inclined to just start again but I'm not sure if my poor brain can take it.

Once I realized how bad I messed up I stopped playing with dosages 3 months ago & I have held my antidepressant doses.  The only reason I am back off the klonopin so fast is bcuz my pharmacy made an error & was giving me .09mg instead of .9mg & I did not know til 2.5 weeks later when I felt like shit & started investigating.  Then my doctor told me to just stay down so I didn't kindle again & it really wasn't helping much anyways.

 

Sorry for the wordy response but I want people to be able to understand my situation & all the mistakes I have made & why I am suffering so badly.  I pretty much think I developed or uncovered some type of inner akathisia & I have not been able to make it go away.  I feel at my wits end & I don't know what to do anymore.  I'd go back on the benzo to end the suffering but have already tried that so whats the point.  I also would try gabapentin again but as I said, idk what my brain can handle at this point.  I really messed up.

[[So...]]

@[Ha...] thank you for your advise!  I was reinstated for three months & i hit tolerance incredibly fast.  I felt better for maybe like 3 weeks & then i was right back into hell again except on a benzo too.  

I am holding my tapers right now, I'm not messing with anymore meds at this point right now but I don't really know how to just pass the time & wait in the state I'm in.. I can't really reinstate again bcuz this withdrawal is so much worse & I already know it won't stabilize me unfortunetly.  

& yes I know I made a huge mistake changing too many things at once but I have been frantic & not in my right mind- I still own up to the mistakes tho & I am paying for them massively.

[[Ha...]]

20 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

@[Ha...] thank you for your advise!  I was reinstated for three months & i hit tolerance incredibly fast.  I felt better for maybe like 3 weeks & then i was right back into hell again except on a benzo too.  

I am holding my tapers right now, I'm not messing with anymore meds at this point right now but I don't really know how to just pass the time & wait in the state I'm in.. I can't really reinstate again bcuz this withdrawal is so much worse & I already know it won't stabilize me unfortunetly.  

& yes I know I made a huge mistake changing too many things at once but I have been frantic & not in my right mind- I still own up to the mistakes tho & I am paying for them massively.

It's easily done. When you're suffering you just want it to end. Totally understandable, so don't beat yourself up about it. It's just a waiting game now until things even out. Hopefully it won't be long. You said you're already getting day long windows which is a good sign. Just try to distract and take care of yourself 

[[So...]]

@[Ha...] yes I know, thank you so much for your kind words again ❤️ I am in a wave of awfulness for a few days now & thats when I come on here & post lol.  Just nonstop adrenaline rushes & burning in my body 😞  causes bad bad depression

[[je...]]

I'm trying to get back to your original question - delayed acute. And trying to understand why reinstatement didn't work. From what you're describing it doesn't sound like a delayed acute benzo withdrawal to me. It sounds like you got off K and your symptoms remained the same. Then you reduced your other meds. This was probably too much for your brain to handle on top of benzo withdrawal. What you were experiencing were probably withdrawal from the other drugs. My guess would be that the reinstatements didn't work because your brain was too overwhelmed with all the changes it's been through. 

The hardest part is accepting the mistakes we've made. How were you to know that reducing the Remeron would go wrong when the other reductions were fine? Then with the reinstatements/changes you were trying to make things better. It is so difficult when we're feeling terrible to just sit and do nothing. Sometimes we need to take these risks. You had no way of knowing whether reinstatement would work or not - we only know now in hindsight how your body responded to it. If you didn't try it and you were suffering immensely, you would probably be here today resenting yourself for not attempting to reinstate when you had the chance. Now you need to look forward and not be so hard on yourself. And I know it's easier said than done. But I can see you're a strong person and you're going to get through this. 

[[So...]]

@[je...] I actually full heartedly agree with this.  I am going to ask my doctor if we can try to go back up to 15mg of remeron instead of the 7.5mg I'm trying to hold at, maybe that would give me some relief but I know that it's a crapshoot & may not work since I have been at the 7.5mg for 3 months.  

I actually went back to 15mg at the time of my benzo reinstatement & I was stabilizing but I thought it was the klonopin stabilizing me so I dropped the remeron again like a dummy.

You are right though, I didn't know any of this could happen or even what akathisia was or how bad AD withdrawal could be when I made these changes, I was just freaking out.  So I won't blame myself.  Perhaps the folks at Surviving Antidepressants could help me, I will maybe make a post on there.  Thank you!