Finished taper...probably quicker than supposed to...1 month in without...strapped in!

[[da...]]

Thank you for reading, I am new to benzobuddies but am very grateful to have discovered this forum along with the amazing resources and support offered. I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I haven't officially created an introduction yet, I will continue to read to see if there is a better place to share my backstory in more detail.

 

Quick Summary, I began with opiates which led to diazepam 20 years ago when I was about 22 years old. Through a series of dental surgeries and mental health crisis, I was left wanting more opiates and diazepam. My psychiatrist at the time kept trying all kinds of drugs to assist with what they called bi-polar, I later describe it as being human having a moment of mental breakdown from a series of challenging family, support, and financial situations. In retrospect, I feel the doctor needed to find a label to justify more prescription writing, thusly produce more repeat business, and I being naive and trusting kept following doctors orders like a good patient. I tapered off opiates 10 years ago, after lucking into a brave soul who didn't mind going at a pace I was good with for a few months, and discovered I was in fact able to take them when needed for pain with only a few days of irritation (easily relieved by a double dose of over-the counter pain relievers) . My biggest frustration now is that when I'm in rare legitimate pain from let's say falling while hiking, or throwing my back out, I get treated like an addict after spending a fortune for a doctor to recommend I take an NSAID, which to me is beyond insulting, considering I know my limits and won't allow myself to get addicted because I know how to taper myself off of them, and I'm not in my twenties anymore, (makes me really worry about the lack of patient care these days). I learned an important self-truth during this phase which is once I build the courage to decide to walk through the actual withdrawal and realize how much better not being chained to a drug feels, I then can define healthy boundaries to ensure that drug is consumed only when other methods are exhausted and not treat it like a party favor, but I digress.

 

At 42 years of age, I decided about 8 months ago I had enough of the roller coaster ride with diazepam (oddly enough it literally took 20 years of benzo-bliss before I even pondered the thought of stopping) which I was able to wean myself from 40mg a day down to 2mg using Ashton's Manuel (she is a Godsend) then 3 months ago mounting stress related to expectations and demands at work caused me to seek higher doses to cope, which I stopped at an increase to 10-15mg per day for 1 month. I figure this may also be due to such a rapid taper as I was cutting about 1-2mg off bi-weekly. On June 6th of this year I ran out early, doctor prescribed Gabapentin for relief which I only save for when I really need it, after suffering through 2 weeks without any benzodiazepines I decided to go all in and quit completely.

 

It's July 26th now, so I think the risks associated with epilepsy or delirium are lucky non-existent for me so rather than BIG back peddling, I'm going to keep going to fully drug free.

 

This has absolutely 1000% NOT been a walk in the park for me by any stretch. The side effects mentioned here (and I'm not prone to hypochondria) I can relate to, just about all of them. I really don't think there's one mentioned I haven't experienced or don't struggle through in "waves / windows" which I think that describes perfectly what they feel like. Waves of my body entering into full on "fractal mode" then random pieces form and unform whenever the stars decide it's time.

 

The most drastic thing I did was end my 10 year career which is a mixed blessing as a paycheck would continue to be nice, but I had been feeling extremely incompetent at the high level of technical writing I was tasked with in an area of the company I had little practical experience with, combined with an ever increasing toxic atmosphere in a culture of absolute chaos. I could even tell many of my co-workers must be on tranquilizers just by how "drunk" they constantly acted. I know I needed them to get through my "years". I managed to save enough to go about a year from now without an income (so I'm thinking), but I know taking a leave of absence (max 3 months) would have not been enough time, I know for sure I'm in a protracted phase of withdrawal as I'm still feeling these symptoms intensely especially the insomnia and muscle pain. The gastrointestinal boating, cramps, etc. are never-ending. My last day at the job is coming up at the end of this month, and I really look forward to a period of self-healing while I figure out the next chapter of my journey.

 

I guess, other than wanting to share, I don't actually have a specific question other than what techniques do you use to make sense of all this for yourselves? I like to think I made these mistakes to learn from them, but I hope I have that chance. So much of my life was a benzo-illusion that at 42 (a little late to the game) to try to define my life now in an increasing mentally acute competitive world almost feels futile especially since I'm burning through my precious little retirement to make it through being completely useless and unable to work not in a official sense (only a "I know myself" sense) because the former label is very expensive to obtain

 

Thank you for reading, best of luck to you all, cheers!

 

Dan

 

 

 

 

[[Pa...]]

Hello danonline, welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Congratulations on being benzo free, wouldn't it be great if you were symptom free as well?  The recovery from these medications once off the drug is long and brutal, too many believe that once the drug is gone, it's smooth sailing after that but typical recovery from long term use can be between 1 and 2 years.  Thankfully, the symptoms lessen during this time but our bruised and battered minds can't see the improvement, we seem to be stuck in the same negative loop until we finally break free.

We're glad you're here, you're in good company with people who will relate to your experience so please keep reaching out to connect with those who understand, hopefully you'll acquire some tools to help you through this.

Pamster