Cometh the Rage...let the world recoil in horror

[[Fr...]]

Hi Travuz, I can relate to everything your saying. My daughter and I were in a serious car accident, she was driving and we were rear ended the guy was driving 100 k in a 50 K zone. My neck hurt something awful and I was taken in by ambulance and they just X-Rayed my neck with a portable machine to see if my spinal cord was broken and released me. I have severe injuries in my cervical disc and and spine and a broken shoulder bone that healed itself improperly. My then family doctor wouldn't listen to me and I continued to work and do lifting. When I finally got somebody to diagnose me and send me for an MRI it was too late for surgery and I had signed away my insurance for a pittance. I live with pain but I have to do the best I can. If I hadn't of been on Paxil, I would have been diagnosed.  I finally had to stop working because of the drugs.

 

I'm going to quote you here:

 

Strange how life continues to kick sand into my face. I have found someone I love dearly and my fear is that I won't be able to accomplish anything...should I succeed in getting Clonazepam out of my system. She is the only good thing to happen to me; but with my parents being so old and me without money, I am afraid she and I will never be able to join together. Somedays I feel that it would be better, if I just told her that it would be best to break this relationship off. Sometimes I ask God to help her find someone who is not so damaged as I. There are days where I hope she finds someone who will be able to take care of her. Then I cry for hours because if I should ever lose her...there will be nothing left in my life but loneliness and loss. Why did I ever take this crap?

 

It's good that you found somebody that you love and believe me you will heal and be able to move on with your life. You should ask her to read on the forum or some of Dr Ashton's Manual to understand what your going through. We get depressed when we are in benzo WD and think dark thoughts but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have days when I'm so down but today I'm feeling much better and actually making some soup. A few days ago, I couldn't get off the couch. It's good to have somebody to love and your creativity will come back to you. I've read it over and over on forums about people losing their creativity and it coming back. I know how hard it is to stop ruminating and thinking negative, I think it goes with this withdrawal but I plan on beating it. I don't always win but I try to tell myself now to just go with the flow, if I have too much pain, I take Tylenol and try to watch TV or read around here and not worry about tomorrow.

 

It takes time after a Paxil CT to come back so remember the day that you were smiling because when this stuff is over you will smile again. I hope that my words don't seem preachy because they are not meant to be. When I was cutting Paxil, there were days that I couldn't get out of bed so have an idea where you are coming from. My nieces and nephews told me how glad they were to have me back and everybody forgave me for my behaviour. The ones that didn't don't matter anyway.

 

Frannie 

 

[[tr...]]

Frannie

 

You are not being preachy at all. Knowing that people care to listen to my constant complaints and willing to answer...I can only say thank you, and hope that this is enough. It saddens me to see that you have suffered so much and also have to live with physical pain in your life. It is difficult and inspiring that you have so much faith and courage. I hope God gives you the strength to continue this fight...that you reach your goal and with it you gain health and the happiness you and everyone here deserves.

 

We are all in this place because we all sought a remedy to our unhappiness. Instead the remedy given, it only amplified those dark thoughts and fears that had originally been plaguing us, or in the case of Paxil...our true selves receded into the deepest recess of our minds to slumber, or to hide from the storm that was to come. It is almost as if this chemical chased us into ourselves...but then somehow Paxil opened up Pandora's box. Paxil released those things we hate most about ourselves. Paxil took away the control we had. Paxil destroyed everything that we held sacred.  I wish I could be a bit more positive. I am not having that great a day as the rage seems to be snaking its way back into my mind. I have again been inundated with this anger, hatred and resentment. Plus there is this sense of wanting revenge against all those who have hurt me and my family. Revenge gains nothing and yet I want it...almost crave it. I wish I could just smile and be happy and carefree. I wish God, Allah, Buddha, Jehovah, Yahweh...Whoever it is that is out there; that He/She would give me the strength to surpass these horrible feelings and thoughts and these disturbances that come with withdrawal. I hope whatever higher power is out there, that He/She does the same for everyone here.

 

It sucks to be this way. I try to explain to those near and dear to me, and those I love about the power Clonazepam seems to hold over me. They can't understand it...it seems all to alien to them. I get the "it's all in your head" or the "why would a doctor give you this, if it was so addictive or damaging". I explain it in everyway possible; but no one gets it. So I try not to expose my girlfriend to much of this crap I am going through. I try to give her some breathing space because all I do is rant, rave and rage. She is a saint of a woman; to listen and offer advice that my brain does not seem to comprehend or even vue as sage advice. I love this woman very much. But I fear that I will eventually drive her away and after what Paxil did...I don't want to lose the few people I have left remaining in my life. I have suffered enough...as have you and everyone else in this virtual space. I just want peace of mind and a chance to get back those 7 years I have already lost.

 

Paul McCartney said it best:

 

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,

speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,

speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

 

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

 

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,

there will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,

there will be an answer. let it be.

 

Let it be, let it be, .....

 

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,

shine until tomorrow, let it be.

I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,

speaking words of wisdom, let it be.