Tapering From .5 Clonazepam

[[ok...]]

Travuz,

 

Thanks for checking in.  Great to hear from you.  I am saddened by the fact that your adding new sx into the mix.  I think I have been pretty lucky in my taper.  I have never had the muscle aches or body pains.  I sounds just awful the feeling of worms crawling from the inside of your skin.  I am very impressed by your soup making expertise.  You'll have to send me a recipe.  Sounds like good for the healing.

 

I have been avoiding this site because when I am suffering it is hard to read about every one else suffering too.  I have always been such a positive person that I never want to admit when things are bad, would rather come here when I am feeling better and provide encouragement...kind of dishonest, huh?  For the first time I spent the better part of two days just lying in a chair with my eyes closed listening to TV.  I finally am able to take a half hour nap here and there but it just makes me wake up earlier in the morning...which I hate.  This poison seems to know everyone's weakness and then uses that knowledge to make us the most miserable it can.  I am very fearful about my eyesight and that is right where I am suffering the most.  For the past couple days it was hard just to open both eyes at the same time.  It's hard to explain but it just sent waves of anxiety rippling through my body.  Then there's the pounding in my chest, the headache and waves of anxiety beating on my central nervous system.  This clonazepam is not leaving my body without a fight.

 

This morning while I laid in bed for hours I kept debating in my mind whether I should hold my dose or updose or anything to ease the pain.  It seems like such a shame to be just two weeks away and prolong this taper.  Also, since I reduce my dose by a minimal amount each day it doesn't seem like holding my dose for a couple days would make much of a difference.  In the end I took my correct dose and spit in the face of the devil one more day.

 

OK, I am done with my pity party.  Got my battery charger back from the repair shop and rode my bike down to the beach a couple days ago.  It was good to get out into the fresh air and get out of the tiny footprint that I have been cloistered in.  Even though it has torque to help me get up hills, it still gives me a good workout since I am always peddling.

 

I read in a thread about Canadiens that you live in Montreal.  Embarrassed to say that I had to google Montreal to figure out just when on earth you are.  Didn't realize that you are all the way over on the East side of the continent.  Are you much of a hockey fan?  I grew up in Waterloo, Iowa and loved to go to hockey games every weekend.  Nothing like the swish of blades on ice, the cool air and the sound of the horn ending each period.  I never played hockey, my mother tried to keep me from violent sports.  Kind of glad though, I don't have any body aches when I wake up from old sports injuries.

 

Well tomorrow is the beginning of another week.  I hope something extraordinarily good happens for you this week.  I just want to make it through in one piece.

 

Talk with you soon,

 

Your friend, Kelly

 

 

 

[[tr...]]

Hey Kelly

 

Let me tell you...the worms crawling inside my skin was really gross. I hope you don't experience this awful sensation. Thankfully, it looks like it's subsiding; though there is twitching here and there. And I actually had a turkey vegetable soup yesterday, and the left over today. Spinach, parsley, tomato, mixed vegetables, beans, and a turkey breast. It's light, healthy and easy on the stomach. It was very tasty. Soups do seem to help in easing my anxieties and GI problems...though of course, it lasts only for a small moment.

 

As far as you being dishonest...you're being to harsh on yourself. How can anyone possibly write anything positive, compassionate or encouraging...when we are in the dumps ourselves or in the throes of sx's. I can only be done when we are in the present moment and not struggling with pain. So there is no need to explain, as to why you've been avoiding this site, at certain times. But I am sure there are a few people here, who are thankful for the times you do make your presence known, and for the encouraging words that you dispense. I am one of those people...thank you for caring and for your good heart. I understand why you need that break from reading some of these sad tales. We already face many challenges going through all this tapering, w/d and sx's ourselves, so I can sympathize, when you say you want to avoid reading some of the horror stories. There are many times where I wish I never clicked on a thread or came across someone who was in a great deal of pain. It can be quite distressing, to a point were I feel like I am chasing a fools errand...to get off this witches brew. Then there are all the stories that just make me cringe...so much so, that I pray earnestly...to never experience anything, other than what I have been going through now. Sometimes I want to stay away from this site because I am afraid of what I will find or what someone might write...that will make my night that much more difficult and sleep, that much more elusive. Then there are also the post that make me fearful...that make me doubt certain things...such as if I am doing this tapering correctly or if this will ever truly be over. I try to tune out...but am always dragged back in.

 

Funny thing is that I truly want to be positive on this board. I would like to sincerely fill people with hope. I really want to help people out. But there is no positive in sight for me, so I fail in that capacity. I just don't know how to help out, or write the right words...since I can hardly find my own way. I have come on site many times, where I will read someone seeking help...but as soon as I try to write anything positive...I freeze or I am blocked. I just don't know what to say to make anyone feel comfort...ease of mind and body. I can't stop the pity train I am on...it is as out of control as my life. Funny thing...at one time I never complained, regardless of how bad things got. Believe it or not...as much as my life sucked...at one time I was a force of positives. Now I can't stop feeling sorry for myself.

 

I've said it before and I will say it again...Clonazepam has a mind of its own. It seems to direct my every movement and when I am at my weakest...that is when it strikes harder and more furiously. It makes life hard to live because I seem to go through the day in a daze. I was at my brother in laws pool party, and soon enough I realized, I as just walking around...lost again. I was there...but not really there. I am walking through a fog and everything was just passing me by. Again...DP/DR struck when I was least aware of it happening, and while I should be enjoying myself. Later in the evening, I finally came back to reality, but by then the party was over, and again I lost out.

 

I know you had this procedure done on your eyes. I feel for you because if anything happened to my eyesight...I would lose my sanity completely. It was brave for you to go have this done...especially while tapering and with all those sx running rampant. It must be frightening to go through the day...with all these anxieties heightening your worries; while your body, as a whole, behaves in ways that cause even more uncertainty. Be cautious that you don't strain your eyes...the computer screen might tire them out or cause eye strain, and your body is already maxed out; trying to heal from this drug that infests us all...be cautious. 

 

Btw, I am from Ontario...I live in a suburb outside of Toronto. Though I have been to Montreal...beautiful city and great people. And I dislike hockey. My father would force us to watch it when I was a child. So I just could not get into it, as I grew up. He would change channel while my siblings and I were watching our shows...it became a turnoff after a while. We grumbled a lot but that's OK...I discovered reading and comic books and soon enough...I hardly watched TV. Thankfully my dad would allow us to watch our Saturday morning cartoons.

 

I am glad you found the courage to take your correct dose. Do not let this evil drug dissuade you from your goal. This drug has proven time and again...that it will bring fear into our minds and heart. This morning I woke to hear a voice telling me I should not eat...because if I do...there will be pain. I had to force myself to eat the whole day. Panic attacks set in and GI problems made me uncomfortable. Fight your fears. No one wants to go through this pain...but I hope you find the inner strength to rid yourself of this poison. To updose; that means how many more days of torture. Be strong. You can do this. 

[[ok...]]

Just wanted to share some good news.  Cut my Ambien dose in half from 12.5 to 6.25 a couple nights ago.  Actually slept better.  Thanks to LadyoftheNight for her inspirational story.  Gonna hold at 6.25 for a little while and then figure out how to proceed from there.

 

It's been about a month since I completed my Clonazepam taper and I have felt better in the past two weeks than I did in the first two weeks.  Looking forward to continued improvement.

 

Thanks for all your support.

 

Warmest regards,

 

Kelly

[[Pa...]]

I'm so glad you're doing better, and that you found ladyofthenites words helpful, she's such a great person, her words have helped many here.  I miss her. 

[[ok...]]

Pamster,

 

So great to hear from you.  I think about your advice all the time.  I cut my ambien down to .50 non extended release a couple nights ago and barely noticed.  I am going to try .25 tonight just to see what happens.  I am gonna kick this to the curb soon.

 

Thanks for all you do.

 

Kelly

[[Pa...]]

I have no doubt you'll kick it to the curb, I love that phrase!    I'm still amazed I can sleep without pills, and when I get into my bed at night now, I feel cozy and safe, not panicked facing another night of torture.  Sleep is truly a gift, and I'll never interfere with the delicate balance of my body again.

 

You might have some nightmares for a few nights when it's finally gone, so just be patient and know your body knows what to do, you just have to get out of the way and let it do it's thing.