I'm so scared

[[Lu...]]

Thank you.

[[Be...]]

Hi Lucy,

 

Just dropping by to see how you are doing today.

 

I know how horrible that benzo-related anxiety can be; I was crippled by it for months, but at nearly 11 months benzo free, my anxiety is practically gone for good and life is great again.  You will heal from this in time.

 

Stay strong.

[[Lu...]]

I needed to relax. Tonight I had 2-3oz of red wine. I had read in the Ashton Manual in the third Chapter under Diet, Fluids and Exercise that a little red wine might help but tonight I was reading some of your stories and you say don!t drink. I thought the Ashton Manual was right. I've only been off Klonopin since April 24th and the ANXIETY is really doing a number on me. My son hurt my feelings by yelling at me saying that I needed to be in the hospital and get medication. He won't read anything about Benzo withdrawal so naturally he thinks I'm the bad one the way I'm acting. What can I say to him? Was I wrong to drink the wine? This anxiety is stronger than I could have ever anticipated. I'll try to calm down tonight with the melatonin and relaxation CDs. Please I need any support you BB can give me.

 

 

[[Be...]]

You'll know whether the wine was a mistake or not, Lucy.  I had a glass of wine while I was still healing and was okay.  Hopefully you will be, too.

[[St...]]

Hi Lucy

 

It's really hard for family members to understand this, there's just now way anyone can unless they've been here. This may be the most trying time in your life and others around you, but you will come out of this a stronger person with a richer zest for life.

 

Are you eating ok and getting some kind of exercise?

 

 

[[Ta...]]

Hey Lucy,

I had my hubby and parents read this to help them understand;

http://psychmedaware.org/recovery_tips.html

It's short and to the point.

SO sorry you are still suffering the anxiety so much. It is such an awful thing, benzo anxiety. It will get better soon, slowly but surely.

Don't know about the alcohol. I'm still too afraid to try it yet. I plan to wait till I am fully recovered.

-Tanya

[[Lu...]]

Thank you again for all who are here for me. Your response means the world to me. I feel a bit self centered now but I need you all to get better. I WILL return the favor for someone else. Thanks for the websight I will refere to it. I never bought this up before because at the time it seemed insignificant but now I'm wondering The first day I went to the therapist, my husband drove me because for now I don't want to drive. It was just a talk session because she was the same person that started me on Klonopin six years ago and she remembered me. My husband had to be dropped off a work so I had no choice but to drive from his work to home. On the way, I had told my husband I felt pretty good so after I dropped him off, that feeling continued to be. So while I was driving I thought " I feel great where can I go?" I had no place to go but home. I can not recalled how I felt when I got home but I afterwards I had some really bad days. After that day was when I phoned the therapist's office when I was panicking about lack of sleep and she wanted me to take Risperidol. It seems I never trusted her after that.  So, it seems that now I trust only you guys. Can someone make sense of all this? I thought the the therapist helped me that day but did I have a very short lived window on my own?

[[Lu...]]

I had another bad night and this morning I'm upset over the fact that I should be able to drive but I'm too scared to get behind the wheel. How do you do it? I've driven for years. Why is it such a chore now? This anxiety is torchure. Please BB I need help. What I wrote the last time about driving felt so good. What do the rest of you do?

[[Ho...]]

Lucy,

 

I've read this entire thread..your whole story. I am so sorry you're feeling so badly. My heart truly goes out to you. Please know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

 

I'm just starting my taper off of clonazapam. When I say "just" it's only been 7 days.

 

Naturally, I've suffered from anxiety in the past (or I wouldn't have been on the clonazapam to begin with). I had a time in my life where I wouldn't leave the house. I found a wonderful therapist who helped me. She is very expensive so I can't keep seeing her but I have to tell you...a lot of what I've read here is what I learned from my therapist. The page "Tips for Calming Down when Panic sets in" is very, very good advice.

 

I can't speak from my own experience with withdrawals as I'm just starting down that road.  But what I've read to me is very encouraging. You've done some very difficult things even in the presence of horrible anxiety. That's such an achievement. Even just going to get the mail when it's the last thing you wanted to do is an achievement. There are many who just wouldn't bother. You're much stronger than you think.

 

I have some advice as someone who'd been through years of therapy. First, give yourself a break. You feel that you "should" be doing this or "shouldn't" be feeling that. Who says you shouldn't be feeling this way? Everyone on this site knows that this is exactly how one who's in withdrawals feels. And when you tell yourself you "should or shouldn't" be doing or feeling something, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and creating frustration. So, not only are you dealing with the physical and mental aspects of withdrawal but you're also fighting with yourself.

 

My therapist talked a lot about "acceptance". Acceptance doesn't mean that you like the situation you're in or that you agree with it. Acceptance simply means that you accept that this is where you are today. Tell yourself, "I don't like this. It feels bad but this is where I am because of the withdrawals. I'm not going to fight with myself anymore. I'm only creating more frustration and fear. I am going to accept this day and how I feel."

 

Now, Lucy, I'm not saying this is easy. It's not. It takes practice but once you learn to stop fighting against the current and go with the flow of the stream, you will lessen your mental and emotional load considerably.

 

I try to remember these words: "What we resist persists."

 

I'm not sure if I've made sense. Sometimes those of us who have been in therapy a long time only make sense to ourselves but I would ask you to consider the idea of acceptance.

 

In any event, Lucy. You are in my thoughts. I can't speak from experience yet but I've read a lot recently about withdrawals and in every case the symptoms DO eventually, slowly disappear. Take heart in that. And also know that you are helping people when you write here. I know you said you feel you're being selfish...but reading about anothers experience can make someone who is going through the same thing feel better. Maybe they haven't posted anything here but they are reading your story and feel comforted knowing that they are not alone.

 

Hope

[[Lu...]]

Dear Hope, Thanks for getting back to me. You made me feel better and what you said makes sense. You spoke from the heart. I saw my blog going further and further and no one was answering any more. I hope you get my message back. I wish you all the luck in your journey. My most frustrating thing is that I' m trying to get the professional people to see that just because I have all the anxiety symptoms, it doesn't make me a psycho person, just a human being that's very scared. I found the Behavior centers are most likely to tell me that I NEED medication which is why I' m having these problems in the first place. I'm holding out and doing the best I can with your help and I have an appointment to see another doctor in a different network on June 28th. She is in internal medicine but leans towards alternative solutions. If she helps I'll share what she says with all of you. I'm just not sure how to start a new blog on this site for you to find me. Take care and THANKS A MILLION.

[Guest [my...]]

Lucy,

down at the right hand corner there is a arrow for options.  click on that and you will see buddie blogs.  You can start your own blog there.  write how you are feeling.  People will stop by and read it.  Give them a SHOUT in the shout box at the top of the page to read your blog if need be. 

Or you could post in withdrawl and recovery support for a specific situation you are dealing with in withdrawl.

hope this helps..

 

God Bless.

 

Mamie

[[St...]]

Dear Hope, Thanks for getting back to me. You made me feel better and what you said makes sense. You spoke from the heart. I saw my blog going further and further and no one was answering any more. I hope you get my message back. I wish you all the luck in your journey. My most frustrating thing is that I' m trying to get the professional people to see that just because I have all the anxiety symptoms, it doesn't make me a psycho person, just a human being that's very scared. I found the Behavior centers are most likely to tell me that I NEED medication which is why I' m having these problems in the first place. I'm holding out and doing the best I can with your help and I have an appointment to see another doctor in a different network on June 28th. She is in internal medicine but leans towards alternative solutions. If she helps I'll share what she says with all of you.

 

It scares me to think that some people may be getting misdiagnosed with things like paranoia, major depression and other mental symptoms because of benzo withdrawal only then to be put on another drug to have to wean from.

 

I'm just not sure how to start a new blog on this site for you to find me. Take care and THANKS A MILLION.

 

You can make a daily blog in this section called "Buddie Blogs" on this forum, just click "New Topic" at the right.  Here's a link  - http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=88.0

 

 

Would you like me to help you do this?

[[Po...]]

Glad you left me a message.  I am on the buddie blog under Lorazepam taper.  Hope you find me there.  I don't really understand these forums yet.  I am on the buddie blog but don't seem to get any replies.  Will look for you on the buddie blogs.  Good luck.  Its hard for us because we no longer have work or kids to distract us.  I play a lot of games on the computer. 

 

I do feel better since I went back on .5mg lorazepam in the morning and at night.  I will level a couple of days and then try to taper again.  I understand you're not wanting to go outside.  I have COPD and am on  oxygen.  When I feel good I can go without for short periods of time, if I don't overdo (and not in the heat).  When I am anxious, I need my oxygen to calm my breathing.  I will try to keep in touch. 

[[Ho...]]

Lucy,

 

I'm glad what I said made sense to you and helped a little. Helping you helps me. I, for one, wont have trouble finding you on these forums. I know this thread. I've been on sites in the past and have found that people rarely reply to blogs. I think you'll  get more input here on these threads....but that's just my experience.

 

I'll be around. Not to worry. You're not alone and soon I'll be asking you for advice.

 

 

Hope

 

 

[[Lu...]]

Dear Popcorn Lady and Hope. Finally I feel connected again. I thought  my blog was going to disappear never to be seen anymore. I don't know where to go to find somebody in another blog but I'll be looking hoping to find you. Forgive for answering you both at the same time. Hope, I pray not but if you should get extreme anxiety, just remember to ride it out. Have your husband hold you tight. I didn't experience that until  I quit tapering altogether. Then I was so anxious, I slept just about two hours a night, I was so hyper that I lost ten pounds even though I was eating. I still weigh only 95 lbs but I never was overweight. I say the best one can do is eat right, I have taken supplements for years before this so I continue to do so, I also exercised on machines in the basement so now I have to scale that down a bit ( not quit ) because arobic exercise tends to hype things up.  I take melatonin at night to sleep but I trying to believe I'm just getting better. Both of you taper very slowly and you shouldn't have to worry about seizures. I probably took too long and just put off the acute withdrawal but At this point I just want to focus on getting better now. My BIGGEST problem so low self esteem  and I have that to deal with so if that isn't a big deal with either of you, I' m betting you'll get through

this just fine. Just don't let anybody else's story scare you because it may never happen to you. I'm on day #48 Benzo free and proud of it for not giving up. Keep in touch buddies.

[[Ho...]]

Lucy,

 

You sound much better in your last message than earlier messages. Much more hopeful. I'm glad about that.

 

Let us know how you're doing today. I'll check back later.

 

As for me, I'm just starting this withdrawal. I wasn't well educated on any of this and was on 2 mgs of clonazapam for years and 8 days ago decided to half my dose to 1 mg. So far I'm feeling ok. Some here have expressed concern at such a large cut and I share their concern but I'm also a hopeless optimist and I feel I wont go into seizure...at least not at this point. It was a stupid thing to do. I should have researched it better before I made the cut. I don't have enough medication to go back up to 2 mgs so I'll just stay on 1 mg until all my w/d symptoms are gone. They aren't too bad. Some tingling and tremors all over my body but not all the time. So..we shall see. Now that I understand, I'll be moving VERY slowly. (When you know better you do better.)

 

It's a beautiful day here in Canada. The sun is shining. I can hear the birds. Life is good....because what's the alternative. 

 

Stay strong today, Lucy. Remember to give yourself a break and move forward a little each day and concentrate on your accomplishments. If you have a journal write down your accomplishments each day. It's harder to remember the good of each day when you're feeling like crap. I find if I write it down then I can refer back and see how far I've come. Even if it mean two steps forward and on step back you're still moving forward.

 

Be kind to yourself.

[[so...]]

Lucy congrats on being benzo free.  I am 100% healed from my benzo experience and better than ever. 

This experience can show you just how wonderful it is to be "normal"

Hang in there and keep the faith, cause one day you will also get to this point.

Oh and I am 63  so I have alot of data to base this on

st

[[Ta...]]

Hey Lucy,

You sound so much better than you did at the start of this thread!

You should be so proud of how far you have come. I swear this is the hardest thing most of us have ever done, recovering from benzos. The hardest part is you can't even really share that with the people you care about, because they can never really know just what you've gone through.

Life sure is sweeter now for me though. And I'm still not there yet. Maybe another month or two to go.

Just know that you are stronger than you think. The withdrawals do things to you mentally as well as physically. They bend your thoughts into dark places. But it is just the benzos. When you are feeling better, you will see how alien your thoughts were. You will brush away the darkness like an annoying puff of smoke.

-Tanya

[[Lu...]]

I need you guys today. I'm having a really hard day. They say the bad days come and this is it. This morning I could tell even before getting out of bed that I was feeling much more hyper. I get scared really easy and that does not help.  My head is spinning to resemble vertigo and that tenses me up because I feel like I'm going to fall. Please get back to me. Do the bad days only last 24 hours? I pray somebody finds me here and tells me what to do. I keep saying that this is my healing and it means I'm getting better but I'm not very convincing. It is a beautiful day in Wisconsin sunny, breezy, dry, and in the 70's and i'm angry because I can't go out of the house the way I'm feeling. I'll try to start another blog because I'm no longer new to be in Introductions so if I'm successful, find me in Benzo success stories and let me know. Hope, I'm really paying attention to your positive talk to me. I need it. Thanks to all.

[[Pa...]]

Hi Lucy,

 

You don't need to start another blog or thread, we'll find you if you keep posting in this one.  Every time you or someone else posts in this thread, it will pop up on the first page, so the more you post in it, the more you'll see it on the first page.  But don't worry if its not on the first page, others will still see it.  You can click on the tab, Show new replies to your posts located at the top right corner of this page to see your replies.

 

Since the benzo's are gone from your brain, it's having to relearn the functions the drug stole from it.  When the drug was on board, your brain got lazy, well now it's trying to learn it's job again.  It's making some mistakes and this is the pain you're feeling, but this is what has to happen for you to feel better, so try not to worry, okay?

[[Ho...]]

Hi Lucy,

 

I'm feeling pretty badly today as well...I'm dizzy, feeling like I have a very intense flu. I try not to emotionalize the physical sensations I'm feeling. I know it's scary to feel dizzy but if you just stay on the couch or perhaps you could sit outside even just for a few minutes, you'll be fine. You're not going to fall and hurt yourself. Take some safety measures and try to remind yourself these are just sensations. They can't hurt you. You've felt strange sensations before and you lived through it and you will live through this.

 

Trust me Lucy, you're doing fine. Nothing you've said is in anyway alarming. Your brain is being hyper-vigilante and telling you there is something to fear but your brain is a little mess up right now and really has no clue what's going on. So you have to be aware yourself that the feelings of fear are just that....feelings. And feelings can't hurt you. There is no danger. You're safe. Just take any safety precautions that make you feel safer and ride this out. And keep telling yourself that you will feel better...even if you don't believe it. If you can think yourself into a panic state you can also think yourself into a calm state. It's just reverse thinking. As I said, even if you don't believe it your brain doesn't know the difference. That's why it can react with fear just from a thought.

 

Keep telling yourself you're going to get through this and when you come out the other end you will be stronger than ever...because you will. When you get through this...you can do anything!!

 

Hang on, Lucy.

[[mt...]]

Hi Lucy

I am just 4 months off of my 15 month Valium taper (15mg).  I have found it very helpful to understand what is going on with me physically when bad symptoms would arise. I try and focus on the fact that ALL I am feeling is no more than a chemical imbalance and given TIME my body will regain its balance and I will feel better.

 

I am sure you know from reading Benzowise that your GABA receptors have down-regulated from benzo use.  While tapering they have up-regulated to some extent but it will take more time until they are fully functional. In the meantime they are unable to "attract" and process GABA efficiently.  As you know GABA brings a sense of calmness and tranquility while Glutamate is the major excitatory transmitter in the brain.  Normally these two neurotransmitters act in a sort of dance balancing one another out.  

 

You are feeling hyper, anxious fearful because you have an excess of glutamate and TOO little GABA.  That is why going out and/or doing anything makes us feel worse...we are ALREADY OVERSTIMULATED (Too much glutamate).  That is why we want to be home calm quiet (I call it cocooning) we are just too overstimulated at this point-RAW.  So take it easy on yourself.  Avoid ANY stimulants.  You are healing after a LONG LONG time on benzos.  You have done a wonderful job in tapering. You are still healing.  Its like you have been hit by a truck and your body is still recovering.  If you could SEE your wounds you would be much more understanding of what you need to do.  If you need to got out of the house maybe just sit in the sun and feel it on your face, breathe in the fresh air, walk in the grass with bare feet.  Keep it simple at this point.  And try and distract yourself with old movies you love or something that again is -not stimulating.

 

I know it is hard to endure this when NO ONE else understands and thinks you should be OK and moving forward.  It is a lonely journey at

times but your have made it this far and that speaks volumes about who your are and your commitment to get well.

 

Love yourself and take it one day at a time...

Mimi

 

 

[[Lu...]]

I need some encouragement. This dizziness stuck with me all day. I sat outside for a while trying my best but as of 9 o'clock tonight I still feel tipsy. My arms are burning and I keep breaking out in a sweat and then I get a bit chilled. please tell me how to handle these symptoms and keep them under control. I went outside to take a picture of a beautiful sunset, I lost my balance but luckily didn't fall. Now I just want to sit so I don't fall. Could I be doing this to myself? How can I feel this way for 3, 6, 9, 12, 20 months?

[[Ho...]]

Lucy,

 

I don't know how long you'll feel this way. There are those here who can answer that question better than I...but...

 

There is no way to keep your symptoms under control. They are going to do what they are going to do. The way to handle them is as I suggested in previous message. Accept how you're feeling. Don't fight it. If you need to stay seated, do that. This is temporary, Lucy. In the mean time, try not to fight it too much. This will add to your frustration. This is how you felt today. Tomorrow you might feel the same way. There is little you can do and it will stop once your brain is in balance once again.

 

Try to have some quiet time each day. Sit comfortably and be still and quiet...even if it's just for 5 minutes. Try to focus on your breath. You don't need to breathe deeply, just breathe normally but concentrate on how your breath feels coming into your nose and into you lungs. What does it feel like? Is the air warm or cool? As yourself these questions as you continue to breathe. If you find your mind wondering just nudge it back to focusing on your breath. This technique will help your mind from running away from you and and it will help you relax. Do this every day. It has a cumulative effect. You might find yourself trying this twice a day. It will be difficult at first. You may only be able to focus for 1 minute but if you keep practicing it will become easier. These are the first steps to meditation.

 

Meditation isn't some magical thing. It's simply a way to focus yourself away from the pressures of the outside world and to relax your mind. It's like a mini vacation. Don't get frustrated and give up. Keep trying. Because of your dizziness you might want to try this while sitting on the couch or sitting on your bed or in a comfy chair. If you're on your bed and lose your balance, you wont hurt yourself. You'll be safe. You can also try this lying down if you wish. Choose which ever position you find safe and comfortable and do it during a quiet time of day.

 

Be patient. I know it's hard to be patient when you feel so badly but you don't really have any other choice at this point. Things will get better but for now, use the strength I know you have to comfort yourself with positive thoughts. Read back in this thread to the advice people have been giving you. It's hard to remember everything but you can read back and maybe something will help.

 

You're doing great, Lucy. I'm glad you enjoyed the sunset. That's a very good sign.

 

I'll be around. You're not alone.

 

 

Hope xxx

[[li...]]

Lucy are you taking any magnesium? That helped me a great deal.  There is a product called CALM that you put into a drink (warm).  You will know if you take too much if you get diarhea.  If that happens you just take less.  Also make sure you drink ALOT of water - 70 oz a day.  I found keeping water bottles filled in the refridge to be very helpful since I wasnt thinking straight.  I  hardly left my apartment for the first 6-7 months and I had to cover ALL the windows with blankets because I was so light sensitive.  Eventually, I just did this with the windows in the bedroom (which I still do) and it helped increase my hours of sleep when I made it really, really dark.  Oh, I found using the shower was good too.  Even though it was winter, I would spray the bottom of my feet with really really cold water and then switch to warm (the feet having nerves to the brain) I also did this to my hands.  It brought some relief.  I also had a prescription for hydroxyzine which is an allergy medication that is non-addictive.  THIS helped a lot with anxiety and sleep.  Hope some of this helps hon.This WILL get easier for you - just hang in there.