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FOR ANYONE WHO RECOVERED FROM INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS please


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Hello BB community!

 

Hoping to get in contact with anyone that has recovered from intrusive thoughts that started after benzos. Now that you are recovered from this morbid symptom, are you able to recognize that you were in an altered state of mind? I’m just having such a difficult time understanding how I went to a normal person with normal human emotions to someone that has such morbid scary thoughts. Some times I ask myself if this is the real me? Would this have happened if benzos were never in my life? These thoughts are just so out of character for the person I am (was?) it saddens me to remember how easy it was being around loved ones, watching scary movies or anything on tv without freaking out... it’s just such a huge unrecognizable shift on who I have always been. Obviously never been perfect but I CAN say that I never have had a violent thought towards anyone prior to benzos. This is terrifying  :'(

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I've dealt with this symptom. It's been one of my absolute worst symptom going through this. I never had it before benzos at all, as I would have remembered and I would have been very scared. Made it difficult to be around loved ones for sure. I'm 30 months off now and it seems to be slowly improving but some days are still very difficult for me.
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Mine wasn’t from benzo withdrawal, but I’ve had it in the past and know how terrible it can be. This was in high school for me and I just assumed it was OCD since it is a symptom of OCD and I’ve had OCD since childhood. Although my OCD has come and gone in my life and was never severe or got in the way of living, until then. It just manifested as intrusive thoughts during that period of my life.

 

After experiencing benzo withdrawal now though and looking back at that time, it could’ve been the antidepressant I was on or from getting off them in hindsight. Who knows and honestly who cares at this point.

 

Either way they ruled my life then but looking back they just eventually went away without me knowing. It seems like such a small period of time when you don’t deal with it anymore and when you think of the thoughts that bothered you they don’t have the same effect anymore and I was able to laugh about it when bringing it up to my bf years later.

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It has made brief appearances in my withdrawal though but I know if it has gone before it can go again. I remember reading that people had it in withdrawal and I could empathize since I had it in the past. I was even speaking to my mom and I was surprised I didn’t get it this time but sadly it has come back a bit but I can cope with it a bit differently since it’s my second go with it and it’s not as intense.(knock on wood)
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Also back then I was told that very kind and caring people or more specifically people that are very empathetic, get hit with this. I don’t know if yours are like this but mine were “What if?” thoughts. What if I’m this or what if I’m that or what if I did something in the past and I just don’t remember. It’s all very standard for intrusive thoughts. If the thoughts haunt and terrorize you then that’s proof that it’s your mind playing tricks on you. If you actually felt any of the stuff that comes into your mind you wouldn’t be bothered in the slightest.
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Hello BB community!

 

Hoping to get in contact with anyone that has recovered from intrusive thoughts that started after benzos. Now that you are recovered from this morbid symptom, are you able to recognize that you were in an altered state of mind? I’m just having such a difficult time understanding how I went to a normal person with normal human emotions to someone that has such morbid scary thoughts. Some times I ask myself if this is the real me? Would this have happened if benzos were never in my life? These thoughts are just so out of character for the person I am (was?) it saddens me to remember how easy it was being around loved ones, watching scary movies or anything on tv without freaking out... it’s just such a huge unrecognizable shift on who I have always been. Obviously never been perfect but I CAN say that I never have had a violent thought towards anyone prior to benzos. This is terrifying  :'(

I had them and they stopped. It was around months 2 and 3 off but they went away. I was so scared of the thoughts and always sought reassurance online.

Bexlan

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Terrible, that's for sure.  Don't even want to go there.  But, yes, I've had them, and at 19 months I'm improving.  Never had them pre withdrawal. 

 

I try to accept that it is benzo WD, not me.  Distract. 

 

Try not be afraid, it does get better. 

 

Dee x

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Hello BB community!

 

Hoping to get in contact with anyone that has recovered from intrusive thoughts that started after benzos. Now that you are recovered from this morbid symptom, are you able to recognize that you were in an altered state of mind? I’m just having such a difficult time understanding how I went to a normal person with normal human emotions to someone that has such morbid scary thoughts. Some times I ask myself if this is the real me? Would this have happened if benzos were never in my life? These thoughts are just so out of character for the person I am (was?) it saddens me to remember how easy it was being around loved ones, watching scary movies or anything on tv without freaking out... it’s just such a huge unrecognizable shift on who I have always been. Obviously never been perfect but I CAN say that I never have had a violent thought towards anyone prior to benzos. This is terrifying  :'(p

[/quo

 

 

 

I've had them for 20. Months for quite a while any sort of distraction helped a bit, went through range different hobbies. Trying anti depressants made things whole lot worse for me plus all restrictions we are under now. I didn't have lot of success with CBT or mindfulness but they do help a lot of people so anything is worth trying. Just started seeing a psychotherapist she thinks maybe few issues had in past were dampened down by zopiclone so never really dealt with them might be adding to the thoughts. I just figure worth trying different things but they do seem quite common. I wouldn't personally recommend anti depressants as just exacerbated symptoms for me. I never had them before stopping drugs so think it's definitely that caused it

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Dear Healing Will Happen, let me begin by saying that you have the best screen-name ever!  :thumbsup::smitten:

 

YES, Healing WILL happen, healing IS actually happening and things are going to be ok.

In the meantime, I'm sorry you have to go through the horrible confusing intrusives, whatever their 'content' is (violence or stupid stuff, the range of possibilities of intrusives is, well, kind of crazy if you forgive my use of the word... it just feels that way, doesn't it?...)

You're asking for testimonies from people who got better from intrusives, so here I am because I think I seem to be becoming one of them  ;)

The intrusives, for me, were mostly 'stupid' when you logically thought about them BUT THEY WERE TORTURING ME. I mean, I was obsessing over how and when I'd use up something that was in my refrigerator with a sell-by date that week - I would try to make plans but because all my planning and decision-making was so shot, I couldn't and was left with that intrusive feeling of guilt and doom about having bought something that I didn't know how to use up. I know, people get intrusives about some terrible gruesome stuff that can't even be described it is so shocking (I've had that too, sporadically), but for me, the worst of the torture was because of such thoughts which I was trying to solve by sorting out plans, realizing I was unable to do so and letting me simmer in intense feelings of guilt and doom all night long. But weirdly, by morning, I really didn't care as much about whatever needed to be used up in my fridge... I mean, that chicken breast, I'd fry it in a pan on even for my dinner, what was the big deal with it?...  :idiot::crazy: and yet, that chickien breast would come back to haunt me the following night.

When I did use it up, the thoughts would be 'OMG OMG the fridge is empty what are you going to do about that? When are you going to the store? What are you going to buy? OMG OMG OMG'. There was always a reason to freak out and obsess about something. Food was just one of the many excuses for my brain to go wild about something. Anything it could latch on, that would do!

As for the more gruesome stuff, it wasn't as regular but I've had it too. I hate to talk about it because... it was just... awful. Awful how such thoughts and images could conjure up in my mind. But you know what, one of the problems with our minds in healing is that our normal filters and inhibitition can get temporarily disabled and that's how all that creepy stuff comes up without repressing any of it as it 'normally' happens in a 'healthy' brain. A bit like the difference between dreams and reality, you know, a normal person may dream of things that would not allow themselves to think about - like having sex with someone who's not their partner when they are very happily married and would never think one minute of straying away, or perhaps doing something terrible when they are the most peaceful person on the face of the earth. It's like the brain needs to explore stuff, for some reason... and the brain has its reasons to do so. It doesn't mean anything about the person, I don't think  ;)

So back to our horrible intrusives, well, we have a problem with our normal filters and inhibition and that's how intrusives form such horrible thoughts and images in our heads. Not having those automatic mechanisms means that we actively, consciously need to do something about it... and with it being conscious... it can be a bit traumatic in the process, because you are aware of the thoughts you're trying to fight or repress. That is not something you 'should' need to do... that's why the filters exist... and in that same process, you're adding suffering as you judge yourself for those thoughts, which, again, your conscious brain should really know next to nothing about...

 

I think that's more or less the explation, but I'm not a neuro-science expert so feel free to check anything that I am saying  ;)

 

As to answering your question: well yes, I got much much better. The first year was tough, and until a year and a half out, I'd still get some nights with those torturous thoughts but after that, it's really been much milder and, nowadays, nothing I'd even bother to write about  ;)

 

Healing Will Happen, yes, truly indeed! Is happening...  :thumbsup:

Warm healing hugs,

Julz xx

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It gets better...at 7 months now and I can handle tv again, and I can be out in public, and interact with people. The "life review intrusive thoughts" are more of a whisper now.

 

I was told our brains hate free floating anxiety and will attach itself to something to obsess about. I think for each of us its different. Many in benzo recovery latch onto health stuff (understandably..).  Julz in her post just mentioned more domestic household stuff. For me its been environmental/social issues. I think its bc its something I've normally been passionate about, but benzo wd decided to hijack it. Its def become better - there's a difference between passionate concern and paranoia! Weird right? Our poor brains!

I also got super concerned about my one of my kids well being (but not the other child?!!). I quickly realized this made no sense and identified it as part of this benzo madness. When it reared up I had to logically talk myself out of it.

 

Sooo I'm def still working through some of my "concerns" but they are no longer "paranoias" . So yes it gets better.

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Dear Healing Will Happen, let me begin by saying that you have the best screen-name ever!  :thumbsup::smitten:

 

YES, Healing WILL happen, healing IS actually happening and things are going to be ok.

In the meantime, I'm sorry you have to go through the horrible confusing intrusives, whatever their 'content' is (violence or stupid stuff, the range of possibilities of intrusives is, well, kind of crazy if you forgive my use of the word... it just feels that way, doesn't it?...)

You're asking for testimonies from people who got better from intrusives, so here I am because I think I seem to be becoming one of them  ;)

The intrusives, for me, were mostly 'stupid' when you logically thought about them BUT THEY WERE TORTURING ME. I mean, I was obsessing over how and when I'd use up something that was in my refrigerator with a sell-by date that week - I would try to make plans but because all my planning and decision-making was so shot, I couldn't and was left with that intrusive feeling of guilt and doom about having bought something that I didn't know how to use up. I know, people get intrusives about some terrible gruesome stuff that can't even be described it is so shocking (I've had that too, sporadically), but for me, the worst of the torture was because of such thoughts which I was trying to solve by sorting out plans, realizing I was unable to do so and letting me simmer in intense feelings of guilt and doom all night long. But weirdly, by morning, I really didn't care as much about whatever needed to be used up in my fridge... I mean, that chicken breast, I'd fry it in a pan on even for my dinner, what was the big deal with it?...  :idiot::crazy: and yet, that chickien breast would come back to haunt me the following night.

When I did use it up, the thoughts would be 'OMG OMG the fridge is empty what are you going to do about that? When are you going to the store? What are you going to buy? OMG OMG OMG'. There was always a reason to freak out and obsess about something. Food was just one of the many excuses for my brain to go wild about something. Anything it could latch on, that would do!

As for the more gruesome stuff, it wasn't as regular but I've had it too. I hate to talk about it because... it was just... awful. Awful how such thoughts and images could conjure up in my mind. But you know what, one of the problems with our minds in healing is that our normal filters and inhibitition can get temporarily disabled and that's how all that creepy stuff comes up without repressing any of it as it 'normally' happens in a 'healthy' brain. A bit like the difference between dreams and reality, you know, a normal person may dream of things that would not allow themselves to think about - like having sex with someone who's not their partner when they are very happily married and would never think one minute of straying away, or perhaps doing something terrible when they are the most peaceful person on the face of the earth. It's like the brain needs to explore stuff, for some reason... and the brain has its reasons to do so. It doesn't mean anything about the person, I don't think  ;)

So back to our horrible intrusives, well, we have a problem with our normal filters and inhibition and that's how intrusives form such horrible thoughts and images in our heads. Not having those automatic mechanisms means that we actively, consciously need to do something about it... and with it being conscious... it can be a bit traumatic in the process, because you are aware of the thoughts you're trying to fight or repress. That is not something you 'should' need to do... that's why the filters exist... and in that same process, you're adding suffering as you judge yourself for those thoughts, which, again, your conscious brain should really know next to nothing about...

 

I think that's more or less the explation, but I'm not a neuro-science expert so feel free to check anything that I am saying  ;)

 

As to answering your question: well yes, I got much much better. The first year was tough, and until a year and a half out, I'd still get some nights with those torturous thoughts but after that, it's really been much milder and, nowadays, nothing I'd even bother to write about  ;)

 

Healing Will Happen, yes, truly indeed! Is happening...  :thumbsup:

Warm healing hugs,

Julz xx

 

Good to hear better news from you Julz

Yes torturous thoughts are one of the worst withdrawal 's symptom.

Especially at wakeup time to my experience .

It took me nearly 3 years to calm it down.

Today, at 39 months off, it's much more milder.

Hope you will recovery soon buddy

Stay strong, stay calm and keep the faith

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