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im realizing something


[59...]

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how in the heck do i even bring this up? so my symptoms started with intrusive thoughts outwardly motivated. i never knew this was wd related and of course all drs said no way. drs made me relive every single trauma in my life and now it rolls through my life all day. i ask myself 1000 questions an hour and say stuff to my self like "remember having that panic attack in college and totally emotionally brealing down? that was mental illness" and "remember blacking out when you were attacked by your brother in law? that was mental illness" and "all tjat talking to yourself you did for yrs amd yrs? tjat was mental illness" then i ask myself if i love my son and then tell myself o dont and then ask myself if i have the inward intrusive thoughts bc of the psych wards or the loss or the thoughts? all day. every day. then i go to bed and wake up going oh my God i have to do this again. anyone healed that can relste? i felt so evil all weekend. also i have aname that rolls through my head all day every day. i knew about her but then in the wd i talked to someone who testified on her behalf at her trial

so now i ask myself a million times a day if im like her. jesus help me.

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i find myself in utter disbelief as what has hapoened to my mind and life. i look at my boy and wonder what would life have been like had i not totally lost the plot. anyone else
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there is literally only ONE success story of anyone as severe ad i am with similar symptoms. Shes long gone and doesnt talk bc of how traumatized she is so im alone in this hell.
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There are plenty of success stories of people who have gone through it all and have come out on the other side. I don't think you can reason or think your way out of what you are going through. I don't see a signature for you so I don't know if you are tapering or have already finished the taper or where you are in this process.

 

If I was feeling like you are now I would hold my dose and stabalize before tapering any more. If you are done tapering, you might need to talk to your doctor about what you need to become stable.

 

There have been times in my taper where I felt desperate and completely alone and almost without hope and then a window will happen and I grab hold of that.

 

I would try to avoid comparing yourself and your story to others. Everyone handles things in their own way. I could tell you scary stories of ways I have suffered but there isn't any point in that. The bottom line is that I've had some awful moments but bounced back every time even when I didn't think it was possible. You will too.

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you're not the worst case... many ppl have intense looping thoughts that can be very negative and self-hating. Its the chemical disruption.

Also there is this thing called "life review" that happens in benzo recovery where it seems like every bad incident comes back and seemingly minor things too can come back and bother us intensely.

 

I have heavy trauma history, trust me it flooded my head like I was reliving it all. It's so minimal now - honestly. All part of this horrible benzo process.

Dr. Ashton refers to it.

 

We all feel like we're going to be left with some sort of ptsd from all this, but the majority do heal and go on to live fulfilled lives again.

 

just as SRR has referred to, you have come off benzos and seems you are tapering cymbalta - thats a lot of change for the body. Can you hold for a bit to find some rest for your body/brain? Is there a reason you chose to come off cymbalta so soon as well?

 

Do  you have access to a trauma therapist? It might be a good support for you in recovery. i have someone I chat to once month and it is so freeing to be able to unload and not worry about being judged.

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you're not the worst case... many ppl have intense looping thoughts that can be very negative and self-hating. Its the chemical disruption.

 

i have an emdr therapist. she sees me for free bc of what her collegues have done to me. i have the intrusive thoughts but no one believed it was the drugs so i was totally messed up by them. you wont believe the things they told me to think about as erp. i was also tortured while in the mind blwoing hell that people rarely survive. i dont know how to be comfortable around anyone as hard as i try. my brain is still so evil sometimes. i feel like in many ways its getting better. but every morning i wake up and say the same thing to myself amd i cant say wjat that is. how poeple dont all mess up their life when they go crazy i will never know. the crap i have to try to let go of every day would make your head spin.ive mever been mentally ill. never been disabled. never been so ugly and full of seething fury. i was pto mom and arts and crafts and camping. now im many other awful things.

Also there is this thing called "life review" that happens in benzo recovery where it seems like every bad incident comes back and seemingly minor things too can come back and bother us intensely.

 

I have heavy trauma history, trust me it flooded my head like I was reliving it all. It's so minimal now - honestly. All part of this horrible benzo process.

Dr. Ashton refers to it.

 

We all feel like we're going to be left with some sort of ptsd from all this, but the majority do heal and go on to live fulfilled lives again.

 

just as SRR has referred to, you have come off benzos and seems you are tapering cymbalta - thats a lot of change for the body. Can you hold for a bit to find some rest for your body/brain? Is there a reason you chose to come off cymbalta so soon as well?

 

Do  you have access to a trauma therapist? It might be a good support for you in recovery. i have someone I chat to once month and it is so freeing to be able to unload and not worry about being judged.

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you're not the worst case... many ppl have intense looping thoughts that can be very negative and self-hating. Its the chemical disruption.

Also there is this thing called "life review" that happens in benzo recovery where it seems like every bad incident comes back and seemingly minor things too can come back and bother us intensely.

 

I have heavy trauma history, trust me it flooded my head like I was reliving it all. It's so minimal now - honestly. All part of this horrible benzo process.

Dr. Ashton refers to it.

 

We all feel like we're going to be left with some sort of ptsd from all this, but the majority do heal and go on to live fulfilled lives again.

 

just as SRR has referred to, you have come off benzos and seems you are tapering cymbalta - thats a lot of change for the body. Can you hold for a bit to find some rest for your body/brain? Is there a reason you chose to come off cymbalta so soon as well?

 

Do  you have access to a trauma therapist? It might be a good support for you in recovery. i have someone I chat to once month and it is so freeing to be able to unload and not worry about being judged.

 

ph cymbalta...i am tapering 2 beads per month. i ak tapering bc they raped me with drugs. literally freaking raped my mind. i had symptoms that are just too graph9c for the fragile folks here so i cant say. the more i get off of these poisons the more i "heal" from these symptoms. i say "heal" bc just like seeing a horrific accident where people are lost in graphic ways I WILL never be able to forget the things i have gone through. yeah there is emdr but it will never get me back to the awesome funny successful happy mommy i was. happiness after this is just not possible. he was my world. i was a fit mom who could have faced the world with just him of something had happened to my husband. now.....well its much different. i have glimmers of wellness but who am i even kidding...its like i wake up realizing i have committed the worst crime and i just have to go around pretending i dont a figurative shovel and tarp in my car.

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