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is there a point anymore?


[02...]

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sorry for the gloom but i mean is there really any point anymore? i went so crazy and my family wouldnt sit with me in my worst. my husband tried but couldnt. after going to all ybos places and having the police here so often bc i was so so bad...the lost career. not being the strong mom i was. my son knowing his mom isnt rgiht. the worl thinking im insane. the horrofic mental symptoms that even IF they arent permanent the memories are as bad as having them (intrusive thoughts). seems like when i needed it the most i didnt have good forums like this one. all i got is the worst of the worst. therapists. advice. and of course drs. i even was totally emotionally abused and abandoned in the worst part of this. all i do is loop on the trauma and the everything of it all. is it the damage talking when i ask "is life even worth living"? my son is 11 and he was my world but when akathisia and intrusive thoughts are your bedfellows you get told a great many things about not being someone your son should ve with.  my career is gone and i try to tell myself thats ok but i really liked who i was. even if we get our mental identity back we arent ever really us again. right? oh i guess i should have started by telling 6ou all i am probably one of the worst cases there ever was. yeah i know we all say that but yeah. i am. guess im off to church soon. where i no longer fit in being the mentally ill lady the parents herd their kids away from.

 

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It is worth it! Your story sounds like mine, I had those exact thoughts you said. I thought, how am I every going to go on from these sx and awful thoughts. Sometimes I still go there but it's not like it was. I've improved so much and alot of the thoughts you dont even remember. You will just start feeling like the old you. I understand the feeling of being treated horrible and noone believesyou and will I ever be able to forgive them, idk, but I'll figure it out when I'm better. It's the darkest place to be. Just keep going, i dont care as much if they believe me anymore.  Take care of you. I'm sure you are a great mother. Dont listen to that voice that tells you not to keep going, ignore it and keep going, and you will slowly get better. 
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I thought for sure I had lost my career and then at one point didn't even care anymore even thinking if I got better I wouldn't even think about going back to it.

It changes. I had two interviews recently. They went well. I am by no means healed yet and have a ways to go. And if I took a job right now I'm not sure if it would be an act of faith or stupidity. But my point is that things have shifted enough for me to even consider it. To have a day decent enough I could get through an interview - in the profession that I was about to write off.

 

Secondly, losses are so hard, especially when it involves the ones closest to us. Your losses may be restored one day - you don't know. And if not rebuilding is work but it is possible and worth it. worth for your kid. Worth it for you. I recovered from trauma in my life before this benzo stuff...so i'll recover from the trauma this has caused too. And so can you.

As you improve ppl will see you are not crazy. And sometimes we have to fake it till we make it. I went out to a social thing with my husband last night and felt really rough. But I went. I showed up. Weirdly sometimes I feel like I'm on a mission to prove to those that know my past year and a half that I am sane. But I'm realizing this is a self imposed stigma, and most are just happy to see me functioning when I can.

 

Our perceptions can be really off in recovery. Give yourself grace.

 

As for church, even the best intentioned people are not going to understand us or know how to respond, but regardless the church needs to respond in love. I can say this bc I attend church so I'm not criticizing one's faith:) If this church is familiar with your story but not responding how you need, it is ok to have a fresh start somewhere else. One day maybe you will be able to lead others in your congregation how to better help those going through this.

 

Forward progression, flood yourself with positivity to erase the benzo lies.

You have a future, you have a hope. :smitten:

 

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I had a few encounters with the police too. Domestic disturbances. In fairness, although I wasn't at all well there's one occasion where I was the one who made the call and I was absolutely justified. Blah, TMI. The stuff that led up to these encounters and the encounters themselves constitute by far the worst time I've ever had in my life. I was absolutely cuckoo.

 

I've been plagued with memories of these periods as I've gone through withdrawal but I find that when I am stable, I am not tortured by them. I think about it more than I would like and I can't wait to fully recover and move onto the next phase of my life. That's what is needed; distance. I need more time to pass and I need to spend more time away from the people who played the biggest parts in my horrible spell than this covid era is allowing. They have faded in intensity a lot and although I remember what it was like in many ways, it still doesn't feel like it was really me. I'm just happy that's in the past. I think a lot of people think the same way.

 

You will be able to process these things much better in time.  :balloon:

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I thought for sure I had lost my career and then at one point didn't even care anymore even thinking if I got better I wouldn't even think about going back to it.

It changes. I had two interviews recently. They went well. I am by no means healed yet and have a ways to go. And if I took a job right now I'm not sure if it would be an act of faith or stupidity. But my point is that things have shifted enough for me to even consider it. To have a day decent enough I could get through an interview - in the profession that I was about to write off.

 

Secondly, losses are so hard, especially when it involves the ones closest to us. Your losses may be restored one day - you don't know. And if not rebuilding is work but it is possible and worth it. worth for your kid. Worth it for you. I recovered from trauma in my life before this benzo stuff...so i'll recover from the trauma this has caused too. And so can you.

As you improve ppl will see you are not crazy. And sometimes we have to fake it till we make it. I went out to a social thing with my husband last night and felt really rough. But I went. I showed up. Weirdly sometimes I feel like I'm on a mission to prove to those that know my past year and a half that I am sane. But I'm realizing this is a self imposed stigma, and most are just happy to see me functioning when I can.

 

Our perceptions can be really off in recovery. Give yourself grace.

 

As for church, even the best intentioned people are not going to understand us or know how to respond, but regardless the church needs to respond in love. I can say this bc I attend church so I'm not criticizing one's faith:) If this church is familiar with your story but not responding how you need, it is ok to have a fresh start somewhere else. One day maybe you will be able to lead others in your congregation how to better help those going through this.

 

Forward progression, flood yourself with positivity to erase the benzo lies.

You have a future, you have a hope. :smitten:

 

what is a benzo lie

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While we're going through this it seems like all of our thoughts are negative, we're consumed with fear and are positive we'll never recover, these are the lies the benzo is telling us.  This is why it's important to get feedback from our members, they can let you know you can recover, that you're not the worst and that you will resume living your life when you've healed from this.

 

 

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Weirdly sometimes I feel like I'm on a mission to prove to those that know my past year and a half that I am sane. But I'm realizing this is a self imposed stigma, and most are just happy to see me functioning when I can.

I'm glad you said this. There's more than a dollop of this for me too. It's a slightly bigger sell for me though, because really I've been profoundly unwell for most of this last 6 years. Culminating in last year's crazies and this year's slow recovery. It must have been shocking for anybody to see, but in a sense it was not shocking. After the last few years I have had, I would have been somewhere near the top of most people who knew me's list of breakdown candidates.

 

I cut a bit of a tragic figure by the end of it. I thought people looked at me like I was someone who needed putting out of their misery. Like I was deluded or something to even try and live like normal. I was putting a brave face on it and doing whatever I needed to do until the opportunity to get well presented. What else am I gonna do? I haven't had a dig with "I told you so" but I like it that I am being vindicated. It was always going to be bad but some of that bad stuff is directly because I was judged harshly and not listened to properly. It got really nasty because I was being pushed to do a lot more than was healthy. I got hurt by the conflict when I pushed back and at other times got burned out with exhaustion leading to some appalling consequences for my mental health. Covid gave me the opportunity to put the bull**** out of my mind and gave me the space to rebuild on my own terms. Since then, I have improved dramatically by every marker. I know that the people around me are noticing and the more perceptive can see how much these things were hurting me. Those people were never the big problem. I would have liked them to get it at the time but apparently it's very difficult. Those who can't figure out what my progress implies aren't worth telling. They won't get the connection.

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more than a dollop for me too....man.the things i said and did and the freaking multitudes i told when i was aliding into akathesia nightmare...i mean going from popular restaurant owner, sunday school teacher and social person to the nut no one wants to be near...
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Same for me.  Covid was a blessing for me (totally understand it was the opposite for so many people) and gave me the space I needed for healing. 

 

@boymom:  be gentle with yourself and forgive your mistakes.  Realize that benzos corrupt our thoughts.  We think we are mind readers and know that everyone else thinks poorly of us.  But that is not true.  I hope going to church provides some inspiration to you.

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no it really doesnt but my husband serves in the church (i used to be in childrens ministry but when you get hauled off your own porch by the cops and taken in cuffs to the hospital you lose your 'work with kids card') and i want my son to be in church. i see all the people who turned their backs on me when i went bonkers. i see my pharmacist who told me his precious poisons couldnt be cauaing this that it was just "progression of disease". i see all the happy shiny people that i used to be part of. now im the mom who went nuts and ended up in the psych joints.
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What happened is not your identity....do not give it meaning.  Instead of saying "Such and such happened so this means that I am xyz..", you can approach it by saying, " Huh, such and such happened and it made me feel xyz, but thats not who I am or who I will be. this experience does not define me and I choose not to label myself".

 

What I see through your writing is that you are actually thoughtful and caring and have a strong desire for family. This is who you are.

 

 

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Look, you can focus on other people and what they told you, you can pretend to know what they are thinking, or you can focus on yourself and work on moving towards a better place.  It is possible to get off of these drugs. 

 

You found us, which tells me you do want to change.  You can rebuild your life but you have to stop beating up on yourself and recognize that the benzos distort your thinking. 

 

I remember being depressed after my first panic attack.  I was so ashamed because I was brought up to be strong, to not show emotion.  Real men don’t have panic attacks!  I was moping around work and my boss asked what was going on.  For some reason I was honest and told him what happened.  He started laughing and asked the other people standing around to raise their hand if they ever went to the hospital thinking they were having a heart attack but found out it was a panic attack.  Nearly everyone raised their hand.  So here I was thinking all these other men were tough and had it all together...and they blew out just like I did. 

 

So give people around you a chance, you might be surprised at what they really think.  You can rebuild your life.  Allow yourself the time it takes to come off of these drugs and be kind and gentle to yourself throughout the journey. 

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