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Focusing on the Good


[bo...]

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It's clear that I got in a pretty bad setback at the end of last week and over the weekend because of stress from starting my school year. I'm now 29.5 months off benzos and need to start trying to focus on what has at least gotten better.

 

1. Sleep: My sleep has gotten much better. For many months, I was getting zero hours of sleep a night and then that slowly went to like 4 to 5. Then I moved to my hometown at this same time last year and my sleep took another knock where I was barely sleeping at all again and that got better by about March of 2020 during Co-vid. Since then, I've been sleeping about 6 to 7 hours a night and can nap again. I believe sleeping better is the key to healing.

 

2. I'm able to watch shows now. One disturbing part of all of this was I couldn't watch shows and movies for the longest time. Like it was completely off the table because everything triggered me into feeling horror and dread. Even watching a Toy Story 4 trailer back in 2019 made me feel horrible. Now I can watch almost anything but I still avoid violent things and for my own sake I need to avoid political things.

 

3. I can actually look people in the eye this year and carry on conversations. Last year at this time, I could not do that at all. Now I feel more confident and feel I could potentially actually make friends at work this year.

 

4. The big one is I don't feel suicidal ideation anymore. It's been like that for quite a while now. That really started getting better after about the first year and then was completely resolved probably by February 2020. It rears it's head only briefly now.

 

The biggest thing I'm dealing with now is a sense of agitation. It's particularly bad when I'm at home. It's like if I'm at home all I can be doing is sleeping or keeping myself constantly busy. I hope it resolves too over time.

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That is really so positive to read boombox. May you continue healing speedily.

 

I hope I heal speedily. It's been anything but speedy for me.

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Boombox: Those are huge changes!

 

You are healing.

 

Props to all you school teachers this year with all the changes!!!

 

Keep us posted bc this was one heck of an encouraging post. :thumbsup:

 

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Boom,

Ive been struggling today. I'm approaching 23 months off. I came home and got on Benzo buddies looking for some encouraging posts and was so glad to see your post.

Its so important to see the positives and the improvements, especially when its so easy to dwell on the negative.

I can tell by your post that you are definitely improving. I would venture to say that by the three year mark you will be well on your way to healing!

Im glad you can see the improvements and thanks for posting. Your post actually made me feel better after a rough day.

Thanks,

Fp

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I'm still nowhere near 100% healed and until this sense of inner agitation disappears I won't be completely better. But if I look at where it was a year ago, I just know I'm doing better at work in comparison to where I was a year ago.

 

Also, when this is all said and done, I'm going to have to address the fatigue problem. I probably just need to start going to bed way earlier.

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I feel your pain. While some dont want to leave the house, I am constantly trying to get out of the house and distract. My kids are in school and I am alone, and I dont want to be alone. I dont want to be with people either....its confusing. I dont know if its the fear of being alone or not being able to sit still. I feel at war with myself. I am 17 months off, so I cant wait to read your success story where this is gone.
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I feel your pain. While some dont want to leave the house, I am constantly trying to get out of the house and distract. My kids are in school and I am alone, and I dont want to be alone. I dont want to be with people either....its confusing. I dont know if its the fear of being alone or not being able to sit still. I feel at war with myself. I am 17 months off, so I cant wait to read your success story where this is gone.

 

Exactly. You don't want to be alone but you don't want to be around people either. It's super confusing. I think the not wanting to be alone is just the natural human thing and then the chemical damage is saying to get away from people. I feel at war with myself all day every day now too. There are moments at work where I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. It's absolute torture.

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I actually did scream the other day and it helped. 

 

D x

 

Maybe I'll start going out into the garage and screaming. I've tried crying and it helps while I'm doing it but doesn't really help afterward.

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