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Ruminating About Work


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I'm not doing very well since starting my job a couple weeks ago when summer break ended. By the end of last workweek, I feel I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Over the weekend, all I can do is ruminate about not wanting to go to work. It literally started on Friday night of a three-day weekend. It's happening again all day today and once the dreadful thoughts and anxiety start about work, I become non-functional with my family. I can't even move or speak. It's like complete terror and dread.

 

Keep in mind, I'm working as a high school Librarian. It's about the easiest job I can have in education and I get summers off. I don't think my job is very hard on a rational level and I'm making pretty good money. How do I know if this is from withdrawal or I just can't handle working a normal job anymore? I don't think I could go on disability because I'm now 30 months off benzos and have worked the whole time. I don't even know what they could diagnose me with and I really don't want to take more medications. But I may have to at some point if I'm going to save my job. And I won't go on leave.

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I'm in a similar situation. I came on benzo buddies tonight because I'm having an awful day. I think my symptoms were made worse by ruminating about work. I am a teacher and the first day of school starts Tuesday. Not only is the first day always stressful, but now we're adding Covid procedures into the mix. I have trouble sleeping and can't fall asleep until 1 or 2 and be up by 5:45. I am just terrified and exhausted. I just finished up two weeks of in service and although it went OK, the lack of sleep was already getting to me.
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BBB, if you were fine before the benzo's and now suffering, then it's benzo damage.

 

I was on benzos for years because of teaching and they helped for a long time. Had one year where I was good off everything. Then I went back on and had the reaction I've had.

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From what you said to the other poster, then I believe that it is a bit of both benzos and withdrawal. As much as I love teaching, there are aspects of the job that made me more anxious and depressed than usual. Maybe you're like me and meds might have made your job easier, but you could have done the job without them; you would just struggle. With withdrawal though, I have intense fear, loss of control, and my confidence is gone. It feels like someone plucked a part of my soul out. If it makes sense, I can actually feel it. There's like a gaping hole in my insides that I can feel. Other times, it feels like there's a huge space in head. I always feel like I've lost control. Like no matter how hard I try or want, I've lost the ability to do things or to control the situation.
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For me it feels like I'm thinking about work when I'm not there and it feels like I'm literally going insane and then I can't move or think clearly. This wasn't even really going on last year. I think it was worse stuff last year to be honest, I'm just really confused. I'm sleeping again for the first time in years, so it's not due to insomnia. I feel the same with the huge space in my head comment. It's like I can't think clearly anymore.
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Here's what I think. You're doing a lot better but you're still vulnerable to stress. Starting back at work again is a major life change no matter how easy the job is. I'm going to have to test myself in the not too distant future. It's hard to know how I will handle it until I give it a shot.

 

If your job is very easy and it's alright for you to be a bit slower than usual, I think it could quickly turn into a good thing once you familiarise with the job. Or it could turn out that it really was sooner than ideal to start back and it could be a struggle to keep it up. Bless you. You will get through it.

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Here's what I think. You're doing a lot better but you're still vulnerable to stress. Starting back at work again is a major life change no matter how easy the job is. I'm going to have to test myself in the not too distant future. It's hard to know how I will handle it until I give it a shot.

 

If your job is very easy and it's alright for you to be a bit slower than usual, I think it could quickly turn into a good thing once you familiarise with the job. Or it could turn out that it really was sooner than ideal to start back and it could be a struggle to keep it up. Bless you. You will get through it.

 

I know I'm doing better because I'm finally sleeping 6 to 7 hours a night and taking naps. A year ago at this time I was sleeping like 4 to 5 hours max.

 

It's sort of like I'm starting back to work after having five months off because of both Co-vid and summer break. I have already familiarized myself with the job. I did it all year last year. It's just stressful regardless.

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It took me about two years to be able to nap consistently. I used to nap all the time before the bad reaction. So it took me about 24 months off to be able to take naps and now I'm 30 months off and sleeping better and taking naps consistently. I still feel pretty fatigued too.
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Thanks for sharing that bbb21. I use cannabis more than I would otherwise prefer basically because I sleep about 4-5 hours average without it. It's nice to hear it does slowly return. I miss napping so I appreciate that detail too. Sleep's everything for me, in terms of my symptoms. If I sleep well, my benzo belly is better, I feel more motivated, my mood is better, my tinnitus is quieter and my cognition is better. My hope is that these long term symptoms slowly improve over time at the same time as my sleep slowly improves. I'm very used to the tinnitus and it's been a long time since it got the better of me... but it is so pleasant to get a particularly quiet spell. It all just makes me optimistic for the future, thanks mate.
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