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Being in a guilty phase


[Ju...]

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Aside from all of the inability to make up my mind throughout this withdrawal process, and all of the physical and mental symptoms, now that I'm further out and hopefully more than halfway healed, being guilty has started to settle in.

 

It's not like I did anything to get into trouble, or did anything that's so-called wrong. I just feel really guilty because my life has been destroyed and now I have to figure out what to do next.

 

Those horrible pills made a mess of my life, and now I don't know where I want to live or what I want to do for the rest of my life, and how to get things back in order. And I've been trying to force life into place, but it doesn't work that way. I have to get the pieces and put them together little at a time.

 

I've had my mind in the right place and tried to get everything back in order, but it's taking a long time. It's been almost two years and I still have tons of things to do. And when I look back at my teenage years, I think about how my friends have passed me by and gotten really good jobs and nice homes.

 

Lots of them are no longer with us, some of them died from other things. But I was on them for 20 years, and lots of my friends that didn't take any psychiatric meds are doing really good now. Not that it has anything to do with psychiatric meds, but benzos are not supposed to be taken that long.

 

And unfortunately people with mental health conditions seem to have lots of issues in the first place. It's kind of like being born with a defect, and other gifts at the same time. But you have to go through legal issues and lose lots of money and keep getting knocked back just because you're born with mental health conditions or got put on benzos inappropriately.

 

Now I'm just rambling, I guess all I'm saying is I've got all kinds of work to do on my life and as much as I have been trying to force it to get back to normal, I haven't made all that much progress.

 

Still trying to get into decent housing, and fix my credit, and need to start working out more and things like that. But instead of doing everything I need to, I've been held hostage mentally by benzo withdrawal.

 

And I don't even know why we call it benzo withdrawal, it's more like brain damage that is healing and it's just temporary. I guess there's just no other word for it. But I just feel like I shouldn't have ever taken them. It's kind of like being guilty or something. And life didn't approve of it either and neither did finances.

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