Starting stage 2 of Ashton taper tonight -- nervous -- looking for support

[[Gr...]]

So tonight I am starting stage 2 of the Ashton taper. I started with 30 mg of Temazepam and went to 15 mg of temazepam + 7.5 mg of Valium last sunday the 23rd of August. The transition was one of the most awful things I have ever experienced. Everything from severe agonizing anxiety to severe depression, to constant nausea to sudden headache/extreme fatigue, etc. I know you guys already understand because you ahve been through this or are going through it right now. I asked my psych why it was so horrible when I was just replacing one benzo with another and she said my brain was adjusting to a new molecular structure. Tonight to go to 7.5 mg of temazepam + 12 mg of V. A part of me is hopeful that it won't be as bad as the first transition but I am also extremely scared of what tomorrow and the next week will bring. I am just looking for any encouragement and support and hoping I can get through this next transition without giving up and/or going back. Since I've been feeling semi- normal the last few days there's this part of me that doesn't want to move forward with this taper but another part of me that knows I have to. I think that as I go through periods of semi-stability there is always going to be this temptation to think "hey, maybe I can just stay on benzos and I won't have to go through this". But I think in reality I have to remind myself that, if I do that, then what happens when I develop a tolerance to the valium like I did to the temazepam? I just need encouragement to stick with it. My other greatest worry is that I am going to get through this whole hellish process and then be back at square 1 with not being able to sleep, which is why I was prescribed the benzos int eh first place. But I know from reading this forum that other people have found non-benzo solutions for sleep and I am hoping I can too. Here's a prayer for all of us to make it through this process.

[[...]]

I understand how you feel. When I'm starting to feel stable again after cutting the drug, it's very hard to think of cutting it again. I might be taking a little longer than usual because I'm really trying to get stable between cuts. I hope you start to feel better soon!

[[Gr...]]

At least I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. What motivates you to keep going? What motivated you to start the taper in the first place? I started because I was experiencing interdose withdrawal. So there's a part of me that just thinks that once I'm stable I don't need to go any further because some people have been on benzos for years and been ok. But on the other hand I just don't want to be dependent on these drugs!

[[Ca...]]

A very well “self analysed” or answered post Grace5.. -You got this..!!

-SRR, Hi also..

 

You know, I found in the end that the “procrastination” period wasnt wasted time, but more solidification time.. Healing was still going on behind the scene...

 

Your C/O is a big thing imo, so dont be too hard on yourself unless you really feel there is a need to give yourself a bit of a push...

 

Strength and best wishes..

 

 

 

 

[[tr...]]

Grace - congrats! Sorry your transition was rough. Focus on the goal. You will be free. There will be rough days but we are here for you and will cheer you on. You know that others have come through and so will you!

 

Self care, keep your stress low, be kind to yourself. This is temporary - not forever. You're doing this for future you. And all who love you.

[[...]]

I think what has motivated me to keep going is the fact that the drug really doesn't work well for me anymore. Before that happened I figured I should probably just stay on it because the withdrawals are so painful but it's easier knowing that the drug isn't working well and that eventually I'll feel better by being off of it.

[[Sh...]]

Grace the thing that keeps me going is that feeling of being able to drift into sleep without meds. I miss it so much. Something that we take so much for granted. I miss having a nap during the day, I miss sleeping in and drowsily waking up. I miss not taking medication! If u look at our signatures, u will see how far Weve all come. You can do this. some people’s sleep got better the lower they got on their taper, unfortunately this didn’t happen for me (yet?) but no reason it won’t for u. Don’t be afraid, the only way out is through. X

[[Gr...]]

I appreciate all of your replies and encouragement. Today has been really hard. First the irritability and now the depression and hopelessness. I miss being able to fall asleep on my own without meds, too. I think it's been so long since my body has been able to sleep on its own without meds that I wonder if I'll ever be able to again. And that's a scary thought. But I guess if I never get off the benzos then I'll never have the chance to find out what my body is capable of. I keep having these thoughts that maybe I can find some combination of benzos that will work for me and I won't have to go through this. But I think in my heart I know that's not the best solution. Thanks again for your words of encouragement. Every bit of support helps. It's just so hard right now

[[Sh...]]

I have those thought to. I kept a journal the whole time. I was hardly getting any sleep anyway once I hit tolerance. Then my dr put me on 2 x rohypnol and 2 x zopiclone a bight and guess what, some nights I got no sleep, sometimes 6 hrs, sometimes 2.. it was the same as it is now on very low doses. But one thing is very different. When I was on all those meds, I feel like shit 100% of the time. Now, I usually have moments of feeling shitty. Or a day or 2 a week. I believe the success stories on here. There are so many amazing people on here that are troopers and got through so absolutely horrific side effects. We can too. U will too grace x

[[Sh...]]

I was put on a cocktail of meds and every time I was told, this will make u sleep. It didnt. X there is no combo, there is only higher and higher doses that will push it further and further away. I remember when I first started taking temazepam, amazing sleep. I didn’t even notice it getting less and less. I didn’t think the anxiety had anything to do with the meds, I just thought it was coz I was busy with my family. I started drinking to give the pills a kick. Then they stopped working. Then I got put of different ones. Then all hell broke loose. I believed the drs when they said I had mental health problems, I took their meds. U are so lucky u realized what was wrong before that happened to you. U got this, Ur already ten steps ahead x x

[[tr...]]

Grace and Shayna: I can honestly say sleep without meds has returned:) I was in tolerance for over a year and didn't know it, which caused me to wake frequently through the night with nightmares (no-one ever thought it might be the ativan  ).

 

After my jump I did use some hydroxyzine a couple times and melatonin for almost 2 months. I'll never forget the night I accidentally fell asleep without melatonin. I cried when I woke bc I was so happy.

I did have a problem with early morning cortisol surges but that has gone. Now I just wake a bit at 5 am but can go back to sleep.

AND....I had my first nap last week which blew my mind.

 

So I promise you it does come back. 

[[Sh...]]

That’s so awesum Trina x Thanku for that I can’t wait for that day. I woke after 2 last night and was so happy with that haha. Baby steps

[[Gr...]]

@ Trina- that is so encouraging. Thank you for sharing that! It's so good to hear a success story.  I think the hard thing for me right now is that during the last two days of the last stage -when I was on 15 mg of Temazepam and 7.5 mg of V- I actually felt really great. Mind you, I went through 9 days off hell first, but then I had those two great days where I slept good, had no interdose withdrawals. So now there's this thing in the back of my mind saying "hey maybe I found the solution and I could have just stayed there and solved all my problems". And that thought makes it a little harder to make it through this next stage. More tempting to go back. Whereas when I transitioned from the 30mg of Temazepam I knew I couldn't go back because there was no way I could tolerate those interdose withdrawals. So I guess it's living with the uncertainty of the "what-ifs" because there's no way for me to know if the 15mg of T and 7.5 mg of V could have worked long term without trying it and that would mean risking more possible tolerance and dependence :-(

[[Ma...]]

It seems we are in a special category.  We used our Benzos for sleep. When I hit tolerance I was in terror about how I would sleep on my own. I started temazapam 28 years ago. My taper went ok until 1 year ago, (at 2mg) when I made some very stupid decisions ( had wine, tapered too fast). I rarely had wd symptoms before that. Now I have full blown bws. My main intrusive thoughts center around sleeping on my own . I take my doses at night. If you know of any buddies that sleep improved as they got Lower PLEASE tell us their names. I need hope so bad right now.

[[Ma...]]

Grace,

 

I crossed over to Valium very slowly. (1month) This second half can be done in smaller steps. I found I only needed to take 11mg Valium instead of 15.  Temazapam is the lowest potency benzo so possibly that’s why I didn’t need the full 15 mg.

[[Sh...]]

There’s not many who’s sleep got better as they got low. It’s bad then it gets better is what I’ve read.

[[Gr...]]

@Magnolis-- Yeah I'm hoping I won't need the full 15 mg either. How did you know how much you needed? I am at 12 mg V and 7.5 mg of Temazepam. This is my 3rd day on the 12 mg of V and I feel really sedated. However, I'm not sure if I should decrease my dose of V yet because I haven't completed my c/o. I don't know if it would be a good idea to decrease my V only to have to go back up again when I start the next stage of the c/o. Did you wait until your c/o was complete before you started lowering your Valium dosage?

[[Ma...]]

As I crossed over, I could feel the temazapam wd which got less and less with increased Valium. When I got to 10 v I almost stopped there but there was still some underlying wd. At 11 it stopped.