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I’m hopeless. Every day is my new lowest point.


[SF...]

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I tried to go for a walk today and the derealization was so brutal I had to stop. I’m laying in bed crying now. I miss my old life. I never had any idea this could happen to me. I’m not showing any signs of improvement and I’m scared to death. I can’t handle this.
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Please know you are not alone. And I’m so sorry you are suffering right now. I feel much like you do. Have you had any windows of feeling better? I suffered horrible postpartum anxiety 10 years ago and the dp/dr was hands down the most stressful symptom. What I have learned is that it is an offshoot of anxiety and our brains way of trying to protect us (albeit a shitty one) from perceived terror. It can’t harm you and it will go away. Try to accept it for what it is. DP/DR lives off of anxiety. The more we focus on it and fear it, the more we feed it and the longer it stays alive. Try to keep doing what you have always done. We have to keep believing that we will get better, because all evidence points to that we will. I’m in a really rough place right now and I know it’s not always easy to keep the hope alive. I keep trying to replace all my negative thoughts with positive ones. We got this. I promise.
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Thank you. I really hope we get better. I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

 

I’ve had moments where I feel a little better but I haven’t had any moments that truly give me hope that I’m on the path to recovery. I still feel just as bad now as I felt in the beginning. I’m 3 1/2 months off

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Cold turkey is brutal but it's survivable so hang on, okay?  Counting the months only made me more miserable, at 6 months I was so disappointed because I somehow believed it would be over by then, it doesn't work that way, it takes what it takes.

 

Your brain is healing, you just can't recognize it yet but as time goes on, you'll begin to see some symptoms leaving never to come back.  Keep track of them so you can celebrate when they leave.

 

I'm glad you tried to go for a walk, distraction is so important, anything to take our mind off the symptoms, if only for a moment.

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The problem is that I didn’t stop thinking about my symptoms. I just keep thinking about how everything looks like a dream and I don’t feel okay. And I feel jealousy whenever I see other people because I know they’re experiencing life normally. It’s really triggering because I live next to a gold course and and I can hear all the golfers enjoying life and see some of them drinking and it makes me miss my old life
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Man do i totally get the jealousy thing. I scroll my Facebook and cry every day seeing everyone happy And living life “normally”.  You have to try so hard to keep yourself busy and try to do things you used to enjoy before. Even if you don’t feel joy in doing them, the joy will eventually return. For the mental symptoms, I really do believe distraction is key. I have to force myself to put my phone down because I can spend HOURS on here reading all day and working myself up into a frenzy comparing myself to everyone else. We can’t do that. We really have to push ourselves to do things and think more positively. Even if you don’t believe it, tell yourself every single day you are doing to get through this.
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Please do not compare your lives to others; there will always be better and worse off people than yourself. I finally came to the conclusion that I am not rich, but I am alive and I get everything I really need. So I will just keep on keeping on.......and actually, things seem to be getting a little better day by day.........1 month 26 days post jump.
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Please do not compare your lives to others; there will always be better and worse off people than yourself. I finally came to the conclusion that I am not rich, but I am alive and I get everything I really need. So I will just keep on keeping on.......and actually, things seem to be getting a little better day by day.........1 month 26 days post jump.

Good for you. I’m 3 1/2 months out and suffering every day with no signs of improvement. Your situation isn’t mine.

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Each time you externalise these negative thoughts, you give them power. "This is terrible", "my life is over", "my life is ruined" etc etc on loop is bound to make you feel worse. The first step to getting where you want to be is to accept where you are. It's bad enough to be unwell but you are also beating yourself up about it and inviting others to also.

 

I keep seeing comments about your parents and I know what devastation they can cause in this journey. I have seen you write about having to get better soon because you are expected to be normal and I feel very sorry for you because the harder you try to be normal, the less it will be possible. If it was possible to just... be well... we'd all be doing it. The best thing for you to do is the opposite - accept that you are sick for the foreseeable future and reduce expectations on yourself for the next year or so.

 

It's not easy but there are things you could do to not hurt yourself more. It makes a surprising difference if you look after yourself like this. What you're going through is a cruel, awful, wrong thing. I'm not minimising that. However, your symptoms are not unusual for this place and people recover from some real dire symptoms and circumstances all the time. People here have some good advice about how to cope with terrible symptoms.

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I understand what you mean. I look at people on Instagram and feel jealous for their lives. But, I also know that it's been a strange and crazy year for all of us because of COVID. I've talked to so many people who are going though a tough time.

 

I'm trying to look at this as a good year to taper because everything is crazy anyway. The feelings of dp are one of the toughest symptoms. I hope it starts to improve for you. Mine comes and goes.

 

If you feel up to it, you might want to write down your symptoms. It has helped me realise when I'm feeling slightly better because I can look at my notes and see where I was.

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That comes across  :)

 

I know that what I'm saying isn't easy to put into practice. Also, I probably attach more importance to the language that we use than the average person. For example, I think saying "I'm hopeless" is a lot worse than saying "I feel hopeless". Why would you let your character be defined by how you are now while you're going through this unusual event? "Hopeless" describes how you feel, not what you are. Why is it important? Because if you say you are hopeless often enough, it will become true. We are susceptible to believe things we hear repeatedly. By all means, acknowledge the emotions. That is great. But try not to tear apart your character as you do it. How you behave under the extreme emotional stress that benzo withdrawal adds into your life doesn't represent who you really are.

 

Just keep going, finding the strength from somewhere. If you need to talk here, talk here. Don't worry if not all the advice is sinking in. It's tough to comprehend new ideas in this state. Things will slowly start to sink in if you keep trying your best. I think you still haven't fully gotten over the shock of suddenly becoming so unwell. Your life will get a bit easier when it sinks in, I think you will get there soon.  Then before long, you will see good signs of recovery and then it will be a case of seeing the job through. It's a long journey but it's not as bad as it is now the whole way, and it is a journey that comes to an end. I know it's a powerful thing when so many of your body's systems are telling you that everything is wrong but you can't believe the lie that this will last forever. It hurts you to believe that and it flies in the face of the real evidence. Try to allow your logic to override your amplified-due-to-benzo-withdrawal sense of fear that overestimates the chance of failure by a very long way.

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[d0...]

So I figure you're a big SF fan.  Me too.  I grew up in Sacramento and headed over to 'the stick' pretty regularly when I was younger.  Haven't been to the new venue yet.  I'm dating myself, but I got to see Mays play (but just once).

 

Sandoval's a hell of a player although he's starting kind of slow this year.  Do you live close enough to SF to have seen him play?

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