So messed up

[Guest [pe...]]

There seems to be only a few of us that are dealing with the extreme mental symptoms quite far off.  I'm not talking about anxiety or OCD but full-blown mental akathisia.  0 control of thoughts.  Extreme racing and looping thoughts that go on 24/7 for months and years.

 

I'm down to 8.45 from 15mg on Remeron taper.  I've been holding at 8.45 for 6 weeks with no change in symptoms.  I also have noticed any change or new symptoms since I started my taper in April.

 

At this point, I don't know if symptoms are from benzo rapid taper 20 months ago or side effects from Remeron. 

 

Most people wouldn't have made it a week with what I have endured.  It's coming on 2 years of this with no end in sight.

 

Will I ever heal from this nightmare of am I just waiting for something that will never come?

[Guest [pe...]]

I eat very clean and haven't smoked cigarettes in 3 months.  Why the hell am i so bad so far out?

[[Li...]]

It's just the way of the beast, man. I didn't really get a break from all the mental stuff you've mentioned during my first two years. I think I 'maybe' had some short-lived windows where it was more mild for a day or two, but not much beyond that. It started to melt away here and there as I went into the end of my second year. I thought I was over it because I went through so much time without any of the weird thought crap, but I'm struggling with it all over again as of late.

 

It's like this sensation in my head, in my eyes, where it just feels like my mind is "stuck." My brain keeps looping around withdrawal, my symptoms, how I feel. Just constant uncontrollable negativity and anxious thoughts. Immediate fear/stress reaction to each intrusive thought. I can't even necessarily call them 'intrusive thoughts', because all of my thoughts feel intrusive, really. My thoughts just feel out of my control and I get overwhelmed with that weird stressed out sensation and my mind just fixates on the topic and repeats against my will. It feels like I can't distract at all lately, I'm just trapped in another world inside my head in this vicious cyclone of anxiety and mental insanity. Not really sure how else to describe it. But it's like I can't focus on anything outside of my head, because my thought patterns are so wrapped up in themselves, just going in circles for no reason.

 

Do you relate to that description?

 

I think I'm partially responsible for the way I feel lately. I haven't been eating clean and I've been indulging in some sugar/caffeine again. I notice this eventually brings on waves and overwhelms my CNS with stimulants. Also read that both caffeine and sugar affect GABA.

 

All I've found that helps is to just 'try' to ignore it as best you can and just continue on with your life. Eventually it begins to subside or atleast get mild, distraction will come easier at some point.

 

I know how easy it is to fall into the fear or the idea that something is wrong with us, or that we are doing it, we are at fault. Our brain is just messed up because the chemicals are fucked. Try to hang in there.

[[Ic...]]

Perth, I don't have any advice other than I'm so proud that you're able to taper the Remeron! I've heard that can be a nasty drug to some. Someone on here said that AD symptoms and withdrawal can mimic those of benzos, so maybe that's why no relief? Hope you hang in there.

[[...]]

You don’t feel any symptoms after a cut? Curious as why you have decided to hold for so long if symptoms aren’t bothering you?

    Paxil withdrawals are reported to be very similar to Benzos, but not quit as bad.  I can mostly agree with that, except I think some of the mental/emotional symptoms are worse.  All the benzo crap I went through already is back but not as extreme.

  My head is overflowing with thoughts of thoughts inside other thoughts oscillating at super high frequency after each reduction.  The lower I get the, more intense and all consuming the withdrawal symptoms get.  I hate that the Paxil withdrawals have been so intermingled with the Klonipin withdrawals that I cant tell where one end and the other begins anymore.

 

[Guest [pe...]]

It's just the way of the beast, man. I didn't really get a break from all the mental stuff you've mentioned during my first two years. I think I 'maybe' had some short-lived windows where it was more mild for a day or two, but not much beyond that. It started to melt away here and there as I went into the end of my second year. I thought I was over it because I went through so much time without any of the weird thought crap, but I'm struggling with it all over again as of late.

 

It's like this sensation in my head, in my eyes, where it just feels like my mind is "stuck." My brain keeps looping around withdrawal, my symptoms, how I feel. Just constant uncontrollable negativity and anxious thoughts. Immediate fear/stress reaction to each intrusive thought. I can't even necessarily call them 'intrusive thoughts', because all of my thoughts feel intrusive, really. My thoughts just feel out of my control and I get overwhelmed with that weird stressed out sensation and my mind just fixates on the topic and repeats against my will. It feels like I can't distract at all lately, I'm just trapped in another world inside my head in this vicious cyclone of anxiety and mental insanity. Not really sure how else to describe it. But it's like I can't focus on anything outside of my head, because my thought patterns are so wrapped up in themselves, just going in circles for no reason.

 

Do you relate to that description?

 

I think I'm partially responsible for the way I feel lately. I haven't been eating clean and I've been indulging in some sugar/caffeine again. I notice this eventually brings on waves and overwhelms my CNS with stimulants. Also read that both caffeine and sugar affect GABA.

 

All I've found that helps is to just 'try' to ignore it as best you can and just continue on with your life. Eventually it begins to subside or atleast get mild, distraction will come easier at some point.

 

I know how easy it is to fall into the fear or the idea that something is wrong with us, or that we are doing it, we are at fault. Our brain is just messed up because the chemicals are fucked. Try to hang in there.

 

Yes everything you say I can relate to 100%.  Nothing exists besides my thoughts and every thought feel intrusive.  It's like a movie is palying at all times. Racing thoughts, looping, intrusive thoughts and memories, worrying, negative thinking, songs palying, parts of things I read and watch echoing in my head. I can forget something and my brain will feel locked or like someone put super glue in the center of my brain and my mind will just get stuck on something.

 

I also have severe compulsions attached to certain thoughts. My brain constantly throws non-stop bizarre questions at me and I feel compelled to go look them up otherwise they will loop all day.

 

There are many more mental things that come and go.  For some reason I dont have DP/DR which is ODD.

[Guest [pe...]]

You don’t feel any symptoms after a cut? Curious as why you have decided to hold for so long if symptoms aren’t bothering you?

    Paxil withdrawals are reported to be very similar to Benzos, but not quit as bad.  I can mostly agree with that, except I think some of the mental/emotional symptoms are worse.  All the benzo crap I went through already is back but not as extreme.

  My head is overflowing with thoughts of thoughts inside other thoughts oscillating at super high frequency after each reduction.  The lower I get the, more intense and all consuming the withdrawal symptoms get.  I hate that the Paxil withdrawals have been so intermingled with the Klonipin withdrawals that I cant tell where one end and the other begins anymore.

 

 

I don't notice an uptick in compulsions and looping/sticking thoughts after each cut but I've also noticed a lessening of severity from those symptoms as I have gone down in dose.  I've been holding for 6 weeks because I was hoping i would stabalize but I started developing these new OCD looping thoughts and compulsions about 7 months into remeron when i was on 15mg.  Could is have been benzos? Who knows.

 

The problem is I have been in hell 24/7 for 20 months with no relief or windows so it's impossible to know what is from what. I never healed from benzo damage so I'm just tapering hoping that remeron is preventing or causing some symptoms and will go away when I'm off.

 

Some people heal from benzos while on other drugs and others don't. I know of someone that is nearly 4.5 years off benzos but still in hell but is also on a SSRI which is quite obvious causing problems or preventing healing.

 

It is possible to Paxil withdrawal was covering benzo symptoms for you?  Were you put on it before or after coming off benzos?

 

I've seen many people claim to be healed from benzos and then start tapering SSRI and everything comes back. Like you said it's hard to know what's benzo and SSRI withdrawal at that point.

 

Either way it sucks and no one should have to deal with this.

[Guest [pe...]]

It's just the way of the beast, man. I didn't really get a break from all the mental stuff you've mentioned during my first two years. I think I 'maybe' had some short-lived windows where it was more mild for a day or two, but not much beyond that. It started to melt away here and there as I went into the end of my second year. I thought I was over it because I went through so much time without any of the weird thought crap, but I'm struggling with it all over again as of late.

 

It's like this sensation in my head, in my eyes, where it just feels like my mind is "stuck." My brain keeps looping around withdrawal, my symptoms, how I feel. Just constant uncontrollable negativity and anxious thoughts. Immediate fear/stress reaction to each intrusive thought. I can't even necessarily call them 'intrusive thoughts', because all of my thoughts feel intrusive, really. My thoughts just feel out of my control and I get overwhelmed with that weird stressed out sensation and my mind just fixates on the topic and repeats against my will. It feels like I can't distract at all lately, I'm just trapped in another world inside my head in this vicious cyclone of anxiety and mental insanity. Not really sure how else to describe it. But it's like I can't focus on anything outside of my head, because my thought patterns are so wrapped up in themselves, just going in circles for no reason.

 

Do you relate to that description?

 

I think I'm partially responsible for the way I feel lately. I haven't been eating clean and I've been indulging in some sugar/caffeine again. I notice this eventually brings on waves and overwhelms my CNS with stimulants. Also read that both caffeine and sugar affect GABA.

 

All I've found that helps is to just 'try' to ignore it as best you can and just continue on with your life. Eventually it begins to subside or atleast get mild, distraction will come easier at some point.

 

I know how easy it is to fall into the fear or the idea that something is wrong with us, or that we are doing it, we are at fault. Our brain is just messed up because the chemicals are fucked. Try to hang in there.

 

Do you stil think your in a setback from the alcohol a few months ago?  I noticed dairy really messes me up.  I would never be able to tolerate sugar or caffeine in this state. How often do you drink coffee and eat sugar? 

[Guest [pe...]]

Perth, I don't have any advice other than I'm so proud that you're able to taper the Remeron! I've heard that can be a nasty drug to some. Someone on here said that AD symptoms and withdrawal can mimic those of benzos, so maybe that's why no relief? Hope you hang in there.

 

Thanks.  The problem is I don't know if Im tapering too fast or not or if i need to hold etc. Some say hold for up to a year to stabalize but i don't think that is right in my case.

[[di...]]

perthy, my man! 

 

I know you're still struggling and stuff but you seem a bit better in how you write than I've seen before. I hope this is a sign your brain is working a bit better! You're doing well to be tapering Remeron, getting off that will certainly allow your natural healing systems to take a more prominent role.