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I want my life back


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I began my journey with Benzos about 12 years ago. I was actually being treated for opioid addiction and had never even taken a Benzo. But the “doctor” insisted I take 6 mg a day of Xanax to calm my nerves. Well in thr 12 years since then that “doctors” office is no longer allowed to prescribe Benzos, so what did I do? I found friends who had prescriptions for them or I bought them off the street. My addiction got to such a point I didn’t even know I was addicted until one day I had none! And oh Good god was I sick. I realized what I had gotten myself into - after the doctor cut me off my tolerance went higher and higher  until just March of this year ( I started seeing a new doctor a couple years ago) o finally confessed to her that I was taking about 10 bars or (20mg) a day for the last several years. Of course she was shocked thinking anyone taking that amount would be dead, but I explained how it all started and my tolerance built up over the past 12 years. Now this is just my primary care physician who happens to be licensed to distribute Suboxone- that’s why I found her- it was a REAL doctor in a REAL FAMILY place (not a pill mill). So as I sat there crying I knew she wouldn’t be able to write an Rx for that many Xanax so I told her I had Weened myself down to just 6mg a day and needed help to get off them completely. (This is where I wasn’t totaly honest, I had tapered down but to about 12mg a day). She talked with the head doctor there and we put together a plan to get me off of them - this was in March of this year 2020. The doctors together decided they would taper me down starting at 6mg for 3 days, then 5 for 3day, then 4 etc etc. once I got down to 2 I had a really hard time and so we took it slowly from there. I am now on track to be on 1mg per day and the plan was to keep me on that for a while. Her biggest concern was me not having a seizure. So that’s where my story should end for now - but since this is an anonymous forum I feel I can say my truth - during the taper with my doctor there have been times when I’m so sick I literally wanted to die, so I bought some from a friend who has an Rx. This has gone one several times through my taper and I know it’s messing everything up. I can’t tell my doctor because she’s already told me numerous times that she’s praying she won’t get in trouble for writing so many for the past 6 months since that’s not really what they do there. But I wanted help and they we’re willing to help me. Now I’m just stuck in this place where I can’t live with the withdrawals but I don’t want to be buying or taking these things anymore. I just want my life back before I ever took that first pill. I hope this community can help. Thank you for letting me share my story.
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Hi KKNeedsHelp :hug:  Welcome to Benzobuddies.


We are glad you joined us.  I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Thank you for sharing your story, youve had a tough time of it,  you will get your life back.    I would come clean with your primary care physician, she might understand your predicament.  I am sure she can see that you are sincere in wanting to taper off this drug.  You could try to find another doctor who will prescribe for you.  Please feel free to check out the forum, you will get plenty of support and encouragement here to help you on your journey to be free. 


Benzodiazepines should be tapered off slowly, reducing your daily dose by somewhere between 5% and 10% every 10 - 14 days is the rule of thumb. You can go slower,  whatever feels comfortable. The aim is to keep symptoms manageable.


I would recommend reading through the Ashton Manual, It is a great resource for understanding the effect these drugs have on our body.  As well as tapering and withdrawal information, It includes a list of common symptoms 


I'll leave you a few links:


The Ashton Manual

Planning Your Withdrawal(TaperPlans)

The Xanax Club


If you care to add a signature (history of meds/doses etc) it will help members give you relevant advice.  Go to the top of the page and select PROFILE then choose forum profile then insert drug history into the text box and remember to click change profile


Welcome aboard



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