What would you do in my situation?!?!?!?

[Guest [pe...]]

I've posted a few times lately. I'm at the end of my rope for real this time.

 

I cold turkey clonazepam 19 months ago and have been suffering from racing thoughts, looping thoughts, sticking thoughts, etc. Pretty much every mental symptom all the time.

 

I have been tapering down from 15mg of Remeron and I am at 9.25mg now.

 

Two days ago I woke up and my brain decided to latch onto food. It's hard to explain but I have looping intrusive thoughts 24/7 that I can't stop eating. I never feel full. It's like my brain has latched onto the thought "food" and it just drills into my mind.

 

I have had a horrific journey so far coming off these drugs. I only had GAD disorder before this.

 

I've been to the psych ward 6 times this year. I've been on Zyprexa, Seroquel, and Remeron. Right now only Remeron.

 

Do I cold turkey the Remeron. Do I go in the psych ward and have them put me on whatever (I'm not sure what else would even help if anything.

 

I have severe mental akathisia. I don't know anyone else this severe for this long. It makes no sense.

 

I'm trying to save my life but don't know how and if it's possible.

[Guest [Fi...]]

Your mind is more powerful than you think...you are in control try to remind yourself of that.

 

Do this exercise...try to think of something good, how do you feel?  Then think of something anxiety provoking...it’s impossible to do two things at once, you have to practice...

 

Meds make our thinking lazy.  It’s like an atrophied muscle...you have the ability to train it, but you have to want to.

[Guest [pe...]]

Your mind is more powerful than you think...you are in control try to remind yourself of that.

 

Do this exercise...try to think of something good, how do you feel?  Then think of something anxiety provoking...it’s impossible to do two things at once, you have to practice...

 

Meds make our thinking lazy.  It’s like an atrophied muscle...you have the ability to train it, but you have to want to.

 

No this is not about training my mind. It's way beyond that. My brain feels like it is going to snap in half from stuck thought about food. I've had it before with smoking or a looping thought. I've practiced cbt and meditation for years. This is something extremely chemical and drug induced.

[[di...]]

I think what I'd do is this:

 

I would move away from constantly rethinking your strategy. I'm familiar with your story from other threads. You started to taper Remeron for a reason - it wasn't making you any better and there were reasons to think it might be making you worse. It's not a quick fix, you won't be better today, tomorrow or even this month most likely. But if you can stick at it, it will pay dividends. Hopefully you won't have these intense non-stop thoughts about food when you're off the Remeron. I would keep reminding yourself that chopping and changing strategy tends to lead to more of a mess, something you don't need any more of with the difficulties you're having. Sticking to a plan gives the best chance of success.

 

I would accept that more than likely, you're going to be ill for some weeks to come. I'd shift the focus away from such drastic measures like checking into a psych ward, adding in new meds, cold turkeying any meds you're already taking... things like this. Instead, I would try to focus on what you can do to make things a little better amongst the darkness, or what you can avoid doing so not to make things worse. Basically, aim for a more realistic target. Forget about recovery for now, make it an aim to see what you can do to feel just a small bit better. The big issues can't be fixed overnight, so best to concentrate on what you can do.

[Guest [pe...]]

I think what I'd do is this:

 

I would move away from constantly rethinking your strategy. I'm familiar with your story from other threads. You started to taper Remeron for a reason - it wasn't making you any better and there were reasons to think it might be making you worse. It's not a quick fix, you won't be better today, tomorrow or even this month most likely. But if you can stick at it, it will pay dividends. Hopefully you won't have these intense non-stop thoughts about food when you're off the Remeron. I would keep reminding yourself that chopping and changing strategy tends to lead to more of a mess, something you don't need any more of with the difficulties you're having. Sticking to a plan gives the best chance of success.

 

I would accept that more than likely, you're going to be ill for some weeks to come. I'd shift the focus away from such drastic measures like checking into a psych ward, adding in new meds, cold turkeying any meds you're already taking... things like this. Instead, I would try to focus on what you can do to make things a little better amongst the darkness, or what you can avoid doing so not to make things worse. Basically, aim for a more realistic target. Forget about recovery for now, make it an aim to see what you can do to feel just a small bit better. The big issues can't be fixed overnight, so best to concentrate on what you can do.

 

Thanks man but this is literally life or death for me. If this was the first couple weeks off I would understand but I've been out of my mind 24/7 for nearly 2 years now. If you haven't experienced it there are no words to describe the torture.

 

Healing doesn't happen for some. They suffer and suffer until they can't take it anymore.

 

It's extremely obvious the longer you are in it.

 

I'm ready to go it's just finding the way.

[[...]]

I am withdrawing from another 10mg cut to my Paxil dose while trying to pull myself out the other side of acute benzo withdrawals.  My mind is ramped back up to hyperspeed but gets stuck on certain negative things.  The images in my mind's eye are iterating at terrifying speeds.  They immediately become extremely complex and to large for me to be able to contain them.  I am constantly just about to shatter from the extreme mental compression/extension/torsion.    I cannot intentionally close my eyes because it is intolerable in here.

  I do stupid crap like refusing to do a proper taper of Paxil because I am desperate and afraid 24/7. 

  I wouldn't advocate cutting A/D anything like I do, but I would advocate getting off them when/if you are able to and it just stands to reason that you will heal from them along with the benzos.  I feel that most people should periodically check what A/D drugs are doing to them and if they even should be still taking them(same as benzos).  Depression and anxiety are usually not permanent and how will people ever know that they are not depressed/anxious anymore if they don't stop the Rx and find out who they are after A/D withdrawals/healing?

  For me I suspect that I will be suffering at this level for quite awhile yet.  Don't push so hard you break but remember the benzo crap is always hiding every possiblity of getting better from your view.  I cannot see any chance of surviving this, but I read the note I wrote myself saying that this was the way it was going to be for awhile and that it will pass.  I don't believe it right now, but I carry on because under that Mountain of warped emotional perception I must know something logically that keeps me going.  Pretty flimsy, but it is working for now. 

  It's strange in that I cannot even make myself believe MYSELF, but that is how strong my benzo perception of neverending hell is. 

[[Be...]]

Just keep telling yourself that it'll be alright and it's just your brain chemistry causing all the mental symptoms.  Get yourself out of the mental symptoms and don't own them.

[[le...]]

Perth have you ever seen a psychotherapist. I had couple sessions before lockdown really helped now postponed until she's doing face to face. I do know how it feels to have the awful thoughts haven't had them as bad for so long as you, but experienced them for 18 months then been really bad since starting the anti depressants about about 8 months ago. Only seen  psychiatrist once but wasn't impressed he just shoved me on heavy duty duloxetine sent me bouncing off ceiling but the psychotherapist was different story. Might be worth a try

[[di...]]

I think what I'd do is this:

 

I would move away from constantly rethinking your strategy. I'm familiar with your story from other threads. You started to taper Remeron for a reason - it wasn't making you any better and there were reasons to think it might be making you worse. It's not a quick fix, you won't be better today, tomorrow or even this month most likely. But if you can stick at it, it will pay dividends. Hopefully you won't have these intense non-stop thoughts about food when you're off the Remeron. I would keep reminding yourself that chopping and changing strategy tends to lead to more of a mess, something you don't need any more of with the difficulties you're having. Sticking to a plan gives the best chance of success.

 

I would accept that more than likely, you're going to be ill for some weeks to come. I'd shift the focus away from such drastic measures like checking into a psych ward, adding in new meds, cold turkeying any meds you're already taking... things like this. Instead, I would try to focus on what you can do to make things a little better amongst the darkness, or what you can avoid doing so not to make things worse. Basically, aim for a more realistic target. Forget about recovery for now, make it an aim to see what you can do to feel just a small bit better. The big issues can't be fixed overnight, so best to concentrate on what you can do.

 

Thanks man but this is literally life or death for me. If this was the first couple weeks off I would understand but I've been out of my mind 24/7 for nearly 2 years now. If you haven't experienced it there are no words to describe the torture.

 

Healing doesn't happen for some. They suffer and suffer until they can't take it anymore.

 

It's extremely obvious the longer you are in it.

 

I'm ready to go it's just finding the way.

I hope I didn't come across as making this sound more simple than it is. I was trying to answer what I would do in your situation. In truth, I can't know how I'd cope.

 

What I do know is that the type of torture you are suffering is distinctly chemical in nature. Whatever problems you may have had in the past, your brain and body weren't playing these awful tricks on you to this degree. I know that you're stuck in the mire and it's such a profound cruelty that this can even be possible for so long without relent. However unrealistically cruel it seems, I know that it happens to some people with these drugs.

 

I know that it's true that some people won't make it, as you said. It's deeply saddening that things can get so severe for some that they can only see one way out. We're here to help make sure you're not one of those people.

 

Let me share something about why I think we're more similar than you think. I also started my benzo withdrawal journey in January 2019, just like you. I was on 10mg diazepam, equivalent of your 0.5mg clonazepam according to Ashton Manual. We're both still going through this 19 months after we started. I suffered throughout my taper. It was extreme at times. If I say that I'm almost 1 month off benzos and doing well, it looks like we don't compare at all, because it doesn't tell the whole story. An 18 months taper followed by a currently unknown length recovery time is not what I had in mind and I would have had a tough time accepting it in advance. The things which make us different unfortunately count against you. Clonazepam seems notoriously worse to get off and you've had some bad luck in that Remeron seems to have made things worse. Also, cold turkey is always going to lead to the worse symptoms.

 

What I'm trying to help you see is that you're nowhere near the point where your recovery is in doubt. As long as you can stick it out and not do anything terminal and avoid making drastic decisions with meds (it hasn't worked well for you up to this point) then recovery is almost an inevitability. When you factor in the length of time it takes some to actually taper off the med and get it out of their system, 3-5 years total for the journey seems to be shockingly common.

 

Please try to take this in. What you're going through is very very wrong and it's inevitable that you're feeling desperate and can't imagine feeling better. As inevitable as that is, it is similarly inevitable that if you don't do further damage, you'll get better. If 10 years is the timescale, the overwhelming likelihood is you'll be completely better. In 5 years time, if you're not completely recovered, you will almost certainly be a lot better than you are now. In 2 years time, it's almost certain that you won't be suffering at this level, if not fully recovered. At any point during this timeline, it's possible that you will suddenly become a lot better overnight. That's a real thing that happens to some people.

 

I'm not going to say your suffering isn't on the extreme side, because it obviously is. That seems to come with cold turkeys. However, I think it's a bit closer to normal than you realise. You've got this far and I know you can keep hanging in there and eventually you will be rewarded.

[[Ki...]]

I would try to taper Remeron asap. You need to get off medication and give your body chance to heal itself .

[Guest [pe...]]

I would try to taper Remeron asap. You need to get off medication and give your body chance to heal itself .

 

The problem is how fast do I come off?

[[Ra...]]

I had this stucking thoughts and earworms once when i was younger, i was taking remerom at the time

 

I still have the problem but it doesn't bother me much, because for me it is replaceable

 

What i do is to substitute the looping thoughts for something pleasant...like a chorus of a music that a like..

 

To do this i listened loud to the music chorus with earphones, for several times, and it eventually replaces the unpleasant stucked thought.

[[Cl...]]

I asked for a prescription for Remeron because I heard it was good for sleep when I was tapering. My pdoc told me I would be sitting in front of the refrigerator if he gave me that. So  you’re eating could be  the Remeron

[[Be...]]

I've heard of alot of people who gained weight from taking Remeron.