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What Hurts the Most


[Al...]

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Lost in the vicious circle of my dysphoric rumination, I've become toxic to the people I love. I hurt my parents in the few days I managed to spent with them a month ago. I ended up making them feel guilty for my abysmal mood. And I never found the courage to tell them about my real problems and to reassure them that they were not the cause. I ran away from them as soon as I found a pretext.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend and I made her feel responsible. I never gave her an explanation and I blocked her phone number. Then she tried countless times to call me from different numbers but I blocked every single one of them. I also blocked all of my friends numbers and I avoid them at all costs.

 

What hurts the most is that I became toxic for the people I love, a destructive force towards everyone around me, a wrecking ball who demolishes life long friendships, love based relationships and even the strongest of family bonds.

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You should consider starting a blog under the buddie blog section with your writing. It's very good. Sometimes it's better to pull away from those we love if we are going to cause them pain. I've become much more reclusive since I've been going through this taper.
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You're currently doing what you need to do to repair your life. I'm in my 30s, living with my parents, not working because I haven't been able to during my taper, while my dad who is too old to work but too young to retire works a full time job. I don't feel great about this situation but I have to go through this before I can get on with the rest of my life. It helps that I have made a lot of progress and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It helps that COVID-19 probably means I couldn't get a job even if other factors allowed it. Still, this isn't quite right. It won't be right until I can support myself properly again. But I don't beat myself up, because I'm doing what I need to do. I know that when I'm well again, I will be available for other people to lean on. I've paid a statistically unlikely and disproportionately high cost for some naive mistakes. I don't have to try too hard to forgive myself. I still get kinda down on myself from time to time but I don't dwell on it. It's good for motivation and keeping my eye on the prize. I need to get better properly so that I can get back out there and never be in the same spot again.
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Thank you SRR! You always have the kindest words for me. You shouldn't be modest about your own writing. Reading your posts always makes me feel a little better! I wish I could help more my fellow benzobuddies with more positive posts. But this is how I feel this days.
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What hurts the most is that I became toxic for the people I love, a destructive force towards everyone around me, a wrecking ball who demolishes life long friendships, love based relationships and even the strongest of family bonds.

 

Accepting responsibility for our actions in the destruction of trust of those important to us is huge part of our recovery, with your attitude I predict you'll be able to successfully repair them.  Keep up the good work Alin.  :)

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