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The Monster who Ruined my Life


[Al...]

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I'm not like my fellow benzo buddies who's only mistake was to trust in the judgment of an incompetent doctor. Mine has spent half an hour trying to educate me about the dangers of BZD misuse before she hesitantly prescribed me a very low dose of bromazepam. I only manipulated her by pretending that my anxiety was transient and caused by family problems. In reality my anxiety was a monster who ruined my life, a monster that I wanted to kill by any means possible. When she provided those means to me, I waged total war against that monster. Benzos became my life style, getting them, my purpose for living. I could not conceive life without them. If they stopped working, it was because my dose was to low and no dose was high enough. I ignored all the warning signs and the most basic common sense. Killing that monster justified anything.

 

But I lost that battle and now the monster is taking its revenge on me with unprecedented brutality. He ransacks my sanity and my will to live and not a minute goes by without him wispering to me that I'm a "hopless looser, a hardened drug addict with no chance of recovery: a dead man walking".

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P.S. That monster is me and I am that monster. The fight against that monster was just a self-destructive "solution" to my inability to deal with my GAD.
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I also abused my benzo but I was taken it as a pain reliever for a paradoxical effect of an antidepressant. Benzos were easier to get than an opioid. After watching videos on opioid withdrawals, I feel I would have been better off being addictd to those and detoxing.
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Hi IcyPeppermint112! I hope you're doing OK. People may think that I'm a cry baby. But they need to understand my situation: between 2016 and may 2020 I never took less than 40 mg of Xanax/Klonopin and I couldn't resist more than 2 days without abusing benzos. So yeah, my withdrawal is quite nasty. So nasty that I decided to find a competent psychiatrist ASAP. I fell that tapering alone isn't enough for my severe addiction.
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I don't think people think that you're a cry baby at all. Everyone's symptoms are all unique and different. I hope that you are able to find a doctor that is competent and helpful. This is a great place to vent and learn more, so I hope you've decided to stick around.
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Thank you for your support IcyPeppermint112! You are such an amazingly kind and compassionate human being. I consider you a real friend and I hope that one day you'll consider me a real friend too. But I'll have to earn your friendship by being equally supportive and compassionate towards you.
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I think it's a great idea you're seeking additional support from a medical professional, someone who can help you sort some things out, hopefully not one who wants to throw pills at you. 

 

I wanted you to know there are others like you here and I'm one of them, I sought out the drug and took it knowing it was the last thing I should do because I've been a recovering alcoholic since 1991.  My Klonopin use started out small in 2002 but took off and followed the same path as my drinking did until I quit cold turkey in 2007.

 

I admire anyone who can taper from this drug, especially those with addiction issues, I don't think I could have done it even if I'd known it needed to be tapered.  I hope you can continue to taper and be free from this nightmare, life can be good again, I'm proof of that.

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Alin, of course I consider you a real friend. If you need some information and encouragement, check out The Lovely Grind on Youtube. He does a really good job of talking about withdrawals in an upbeat manner. If your addiction is what is scaring you, don't be alarmed. I was really worried about my addiction but after 2 months off, I don't crave the drug; I am just suffering the injury. Also, once you realize the misery this drug causes, you may get to where you actually hate it. I now no longer believe that anyone can take these drugs off and on or for a couple of weeks safely. I use to responsibly use Ambien for a couple of weeks, stop, and then repeat months later. But, you're really just kindling each time and building up damage to eventually explode. 
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[41...]

Thank you for your support IcyPeppermint112! You are such an amazingly kind and compassionate human being. I consider you a real friend and I hope that one day you'll consider me a real friend too. But I'll have to earn your friendship by being equally supportive and compassionate towards you.

 

Embrace your anxiety. Don't push it away. Accept it. Be with it. Allow. Notice thoughts as they enter your mind, allowing them to pass freely as they wish. Settling into the sensations of your body.. Surrendering all mental activity. All trying to understand. All dwelling on the past, worrying about the future.. settling into this moment. As it is, now.

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I'm not like my fellow benzo buddies who's only mistake was to trust in the judgment of an incompetent doctor. Mine has spent half an hour trying to educate me about the dangers of BZD misuse before she hesitantly prescribed me a very low dose of bromazepam. I only manipulated her by pretending that my anxiety was transient and caused by family problems. In reality my anxiety was a monster who ruined my life, a monster that I wanted to kill by any means possible. When she provided those means to me, I waged total war against that monster. Benzos became my life style, getting them, my purpose for living. I could not conceive life without them. If they stopped working, it was because my dose was to low and no dose was high enough. I ignored all the warning signs and the most basic common sense. Killing that monster justified anything.

 

But I lost that battle and now the monster is taking its revenge on me with unprecedented brutality. He ransacks my sanity and my will to live and not a minute goes by without him wispering to me that I'm a "hopless looser, a hardened drug addict with no chance of recovery: a dead man walking".

 

I too waged the same war but I trusted and followed my doctors recomendations even tho I spent the majority of my time on benzos in tolerance withdrawals...you can't beat anxiety with a pill.

Now we are forced with an almost impossible feat of taking on anxiety with a benzo damaged nervous system! Our minds will tell us we can not win and our bodies will listen. This is the time that we must back pedal and rethink our coping strategies if we want to even have a chance at beating this.

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Hi Pamster! Whenever I see the smiling cat emoji I know that and intelligent and uplifting post will follow. I also love cats. I have seven of this adorable little emotional vampires. All seven were abandoned by their previous owners. My favourite one is about 10 months old. He was abandoned because he's missing his front left paw. But he has no problem with that and he grew up into such an dominating alpha male. All seven live with my parents in the country side where there are lots of small creatures for them to hunt. It's their favourite hobby. I feel very frustrated that I cannot visit them every weekend because of my health problems.
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Thank you for your support IcyPeppermint112! You are such an amazingly kind and compassionate human being. I consider you a real friend and I hope that one day you'll consider me a real friend too. But I'll have to earn your friendship by being equally supportive and compassionate towards you.

 

Embrace your anxiety. Don't push it away. Accept it. Be with it. Allow. Notice thoughts as they enter your mind, allowing them to pass freely as they wish. Settling into the sensations of your body.. Surrendering all mental activity. All trying to understand. All dwelling on the past, worrying about the future.. settling into this moment. As it is, now.

Conrad:  sounds like you have benefited from meditation?  Do you mind sharing what worked for you in your struggle with anxiety?  I am trying the "surrender" approach and struggling.

 

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[41...]

Thank you for your support IcyPeppermint112! You are such an amazingly kind and compassionate human being. I consider you a real friend and I hope that one day you'll consider me a real friend too. But I'll have to earn your friendship by being equally supportive and compassionate towards you.

 

Embrace your anxiety. Don't push it away. Accept it. Be with it. Allow. Notice thoughts as they enter your mind, allowing them to pass freely as they wish. Settling into the sensations of your body.. Surrendering all mental activity. All trying to understand. All dwelling on the past, worrying about the future.. settling into this moment. As it is, now.

Conrad:  sounds like you have benefited from meditation?  Do you mind sharing what worked for you in your struggle with anxiety?  I am trying the "surrender" approach and struggling.

 

There's infinite gateways into the now. Things like anxiety keep us from getting here. Anxiety's inner resistance. What helps me is being with my experience. With what I'm feeling. Allowing this feeling completely. Opening myself up to this feeling

 

A very simple meditation and very powerful is simple mindfulness. When you become aware that you're thinking, you let it go. Throughout your day. Let go of your mind trying to figure it out. Let go of your mind wondering am I doing this right? Let go of yesterday, tomorrow, daydreams. Slowly and patiently moving beyond thought

 

You can also sit and count your heartbeat. You can count your breaths. Simply tune in to the sensations or the experience of breath. The simple ins and outs. Ups and downs. The cool air as it enters your nose. The warm air as it exits your mouth

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