Scared of all my thoughts

[Guest [pe...]]

I'm not even sure why I post on here anymore.  There are only a few people that I can relate to anyway.

 

My main symptoms right now are racing intrusive thoughts.  Just random thoughts and obsessions that jump from one thing to another which no rhyme or reason. 

 

Looping thoughts and compulsions.  My brain is constantly latching onto random thoughts or things I read/watch/hear and I feel a compulsion to look up the answer or figure it out.  This one is tough because I don't know what's normal and what's a compulsion.

 

Hyper awareness of thoughts. This is a really annoying one because I am constantly thinking and aware I am thinking and can't do anything about it.  I have this overwhelming sensation I think its mental akathisia that makes me scared of all my thoughts.

 

I just read a success story and the person was having windows and waves.  I've never had a window or anything close. Even at 8 months off, I was worse than ever.

 

I blame a lot of how I am now on the remeron/mirtazapine. Wish I never went on it. I have no hope that I will ever heal anymore.

 

I have it glued in my head that I need to find someone as severe as me and that survived but every time I look I can never find anyone. 

 

Not many were suffering at acute level 24/7 at 19 months off. What the hell.

 

[[le...]]

As you say not many still seem have these thoughts at this far out. I've never had any Windows either. Like you took anti depressant which made things so much worse for me. I'm 18 months off but you aren't the only one feeling quite desperate I find going out difficult as fear I'm going start getting intrusive thoughts before they even occur if that makes sense? Wish I could offer you something positive to help. Just have to hope with time we will recover.

[Guest [pe...]]

As you say not many still seem have these thoughts at this far out. I've never had any Windows either. Like you took anti depressant which made things so much worse for me. I'm 18 months off but you aren't the only one feeling quite desperate I find going out difficult as fear I'm going start getting intrusive thoughts before they even occur if that makes sense? Wish I could offer you something positive to help. Just have to hope with time we will recover.

 

Sorry you are suffering leann.  I have intrusive thoughts 24/7 no matter where I am.  Thoughts racing/looping/sticking 24/7. Have you gotten worse since coming off AD?

[[le...]]

About the same. They got lot worse once started anti depressants and had more OCD type symptoms with compulsions they definitely made me worse. Should stopped them sooner kept hoping they would work. But as you say there 24/7 sorry you are still suffering as well.

[Guest [pe...]]

I was stupid to think that I would heal from this.  I thought everyone was like me when I first came off that did rapid taper or cold turkey.  The more I dig through this website the more aware I am that most people didn't suffer to this level.

 

I have no hope anymore.  Now I need to figure out what I have to do next.

[[he...]]

I’m right there with you. I wish I had a solution that I could share with you, I don’t as I’m still suffering from this every day. I don’t know if it helps to know that you’re not alone, I’m suffering bad from this also. I feel like an evil person but I’m not, I’ve always been kind, gentle and caring and now I get horrible thoughts, mean voice telling me horrid things. I’m exhausted but want to believe things get better. I had a 3 week window. Hang in there, maybe it’s true what they say. We’ll heal when we least expect it? Could be tomorrow could be next week? Who knows but keep pushing.

[[le...]]

Are you still taking the remeron is it helping at all The anti depressants made me lot worse but I know they help some people we're all different.  Just hoping now I'm off the citalopram that once I've got through the withdrawal things will start improving. Have you got any family support , friends you can talk to my husband kept me going. I know it's difficult to think we will improve, but I did read a blog from psychotherapist who been through it said, if you didn't have these thoughts before taking these meds they will eventually go.Other people have recovered from severe symptoms don't give up hope yet you aren't alone.

[Guest [bo...]]

i can 1000000% relate. you arent alone

[[fo...]]

Terrifying cyclical looping thoughts have been my primary symptom this entire time. I jumped on August 16 last year. Paranoid thoughts, dark thoughts, absolutely insane thoughts that make no sense that are incredibly dark and self-critical and paranoid of other people. It’s hard to be around my girlfriend or any friends or anyone because I always think that are  thinking the worst. I’m thinking that they don’t like me, that they think I’m crazy, or that they want to hurt me.

The thoughts are horrible and obsessive and never stop even if I’m alone with my pets sitting on my couch and everything is safe. I am terrified of these thoughts that are telling me what a piece of garbage I am, that I’ll  never get better, that I’m just crazy and I don’t deserve to exist and blah blah blah. I have a great girlfriend, good friends, a good job a safe home, but I feel absolutely crazy and terrified and paranoid all the time. Like I said this is been my primary symptoms since I started the table in the process

[[Sh...]]

I just wanted to give a virtual hug to all of you. I have days like this but not every day, it is awful on those days. I’m so sorry ur suffering

[[So...]]

I just want to ditto the above poster.

I don't have this from benzos, but had it 13 years ago during postpartum.

It is ABSOLUTE torture :'(

Hugs to you all. And glad a few more people spoke up so you are not so alone.

[[Bu...]]

Hi! You are definitely not alone. I actually came to this site to see if anyone else was suffering the mental stuff as bad as I am at almost a year out from my last dose of Klonopin. I am considering reinstating because I am mentally tortured with my own thoughts. I have extreme anxiety with sweating, shaking,hyperventilating. I have intrusive negative thoughts that are looping. Excessive worry about things that could possibly happen that I have no control over.  I live in the past a lot (conversations/memories) Ocd is awful! I get "stuck" and can't move on from things. My biggest mental problem that I haven't found much info on is being in a constant state of anger and frustration that I can't identify why. I have a hard time calming down after something small infuriates me. I feel overwhelmed by things that are a normal part of every day life. The worst part is that I am aware of what is going on with me. I just want it to stop. Any advice would be appreciated.

[[...]]

I'm not even sure why I post on here anymore.  There are only a few people that I can relate to anyway.

 

My main symptoms right now are racing intrusive thoughts.  Just random thoughts and obsessions that jump from one thing to another which no rhyme or reason. 

 

Looping thoughts and compulsions.  My brain is constantly latching onto random thoughts or things I read/watch/hear and I feel a compulsion to look up the answer or figure it out.  This one is tough because I don't know what's normal and what's a compulsion.

 

Hyper awareness of thoughts. This is a really annoying one because I am constantly thinking and aware I am thinking and can't do anything about it.  I have this overwhelming sensation I think its mental akathisia that makes me scared of all my thoughts.

 

I just read a success story and the person was having windows and waves.  I've never had a window or anything close. Even at 8 months off, I was worse than ever.

 

I blame a lot of how I am now on the remeron/mirtazapine. Wish I never went on it. I have no hope that I will ever heal anymore.

 

I have it glued in my head that I need to find someone as severe as me and that survived but every time I look I can never find anyone. 

 

Not many were suffering at acute level 24/7 at 19 months off. What the hell.

 

No, you are not alone with that, Perth.

At 3 years out, my brain still feels broken with weird nonsensical thoughts BUT I will say that some of the worst intrusives, the ones that would keep me awake at night and torture my soul, more or less decreased to dissapear between 1.5 and 2 years out. It takes time... that's all. Our paths and patterns are different, but we all have in common that we are recovering.

 

So yes, the racing thoughts jumping from one random thing to another, like ADHD on speed... (not that I know lol, but I am trying to imagine  ), the brain latching onto something with the impulse/compulsion to look it up... you should see the state of my browser at any given moment - multiple browsing windows with about 30 tabs each  down the rabbit hole we go  poor brain, poor laptop, poor me lol... being scared of your thoughts, yep, that too... because you feel you have lost control over them - but what is really happening, I think, is that your brain is trying to make sense of the world in its altered state in healing, it is an ongoing process and the brain is trying to work in spite of being a massive reconstruction site (see 'what is happening in your brain' post by Parker, stickied at the top of the post-taper board of BBs), and some things like our 'normal' filters are temporarily disabled. Filters which should not allow some things from our unconscious mind to enter the conscious brain - and I think this is what can make it so very scary. You cannot recognize yourself anymore, it is just that your brain is not able to work in its 'right' way right now. It is temporary. You are healing, as we all are. It takes time... but it is happening.

 

I didn't get a window until 3 years out! Improvement within the first 2.5 years was very hard to detect. The first year was absolute hell with monophobia and akathisia (mostly mental), I think I was actually getting worse not better for quite some months post-jump. The monophobia very slowly started to lift just enough for me to wedge a foot in the door around 1.5 years out, and I started living in the world a little more. With my broken brain lol...

 

I probably shouldn't be sharing my timeline, this is not helpful... but I know this is what I keep looking for in posts. People who are a bit ahead of me and tell me that they started getting better a few months ahead of where I currently am. I know of plenty people who took more time to heal, but what they have in common is that they DID heal. It took more time for them than others, but they hang in there and are now free to live their lives again.

 

No one is doomed. No one. No matter how many drugs you were on, no matter how long you took them. No matter how you came off. No matter what your symptoms are at 20 or 40 months. No one is doomed.

 

You've been healing for over 20 months now, so trust that some serious repair work has taken place underneath this horrid blanket of symptoms, even if you can't see or feel it. You might just wake up to a beautiful window, showing you what's preparing in the wings... or maybe even wake up healed someday?... that isn't unheard of either 

 

Hang in there, warm healing hugs, love light and strength to all!

Julz xx