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The word bisexual = panic


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I am confused as to why this is happening now.  I was perfectly satisfied with my sexuality and all the sudden I am questioning it.  So much so that my new engagement makes me feel like a fraud and is sending me into benzo withdrawal symptoms...

 

I tried telling my boyfriend I am not ready for this commitment but he’s not listening to me.  I took off the ring and my heart is shattered again.

 

I am in a serious wave.  I am in so much pain...I would be totally fine coming out as anything that I am but why is this happening now?  I’m 37, and did not have these feelings before.  I always respected that community greatly, I’m super supportive because I understand their hardships.  I just always appreciated men more so than women. 

 

I remember my last inpatient stay I was roomed with another woman that was a lesbian.  Totally fine with it just did not want her coming on to me.  I have had a woman hit on me in my early twenties, I was not offended at all...just preferred not to date women, again I liked men.

 

I can sit here and convince myself I am straight, but I think I could also convince myself I am bisexual.  I am again, absolutely fine being attracted to women, I just do not feel anything towards either sex right now...

 

I do however feel severe nerve burning when I think about being lesbian, feel a little better about bisexual.  Bisexual seems maybe more natural for me?  I can look at women and acknowledge their positive attributes and not actually fantasize about women right?

 

Same way I look at male attributes but definitely feel something, especially the thought of a strong man like my fiancé etc...sorry too much information.

 

I feel like if I say I am bisexual its a lie, but if I’m heterosexual it’s a lie.  I feel like a fraud and in a wave of symptoms because of it.

 

I have barely eaten, been shaking, nerve burning, complete and sheer panic for two days.  I would hate to come out now as bisexual and have it not be real or say that I am straight and have it be a lie.  I guess I just have to be, with this beautiful ring and an uncertain future.

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I can see you're tormenting yourself but this is the nature of this process, we question and fear everything.  It sounds like you're dealing with intrusive thoughts brought on by your withdrawal, now is not the best time to be making any huge changes in your life or trying to figure out who you are.  Its probably a good idea you're putting your engagement on pause, the stress of your questioning will only add to your symptoms.

 

Things will be easier and clearer when you recover so I hope you can find a way to let things just be for now.

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Yes, we have downgraded the engagement to a promise...

 

We put a timeline of three years until I fully recover from this mess.

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Why not just wait until after WD and see how you feel.

 

There is no need to BE one thing or the other.

 

It is completely fine just to feel what you feel and not label it at the moment.

 

If the engagement doesn’t feel right atm then it os not right at,.

 

Just take all the pressure off.

 

None of this matters.

 

What matters is that you are happy with the person you are with.

 

 

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That's a complicated one... The prof Ashton manual makes it clear that benzo mess up with our hormones. That plus the depression that drives us to question everything we take for granted... This is enough to push anybody to question their sanity, not to mention their sexuality! Maybe now is not the best time to make such a big decision? A tough one indeed...

SG

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I am finding a new honesty and new ways of thinking that started to happen during my taper and has blossomed since I completed my taper.  For me this has been a huge breath of fresh air.  That said, when something new pops up that feels out of my comfort zone and totally "new", I have given myself permission to PAUSE and give it space and not judge it.  Some ideas and thoughts fall by the wayside or I discard  them and some grow when they seem right to nourish.

 

Kate  :thumbsup:

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I like the word "pause" that Kate used....if I'm feeling unsettled about something I give myself permission to pause. Unless its a life or death issue ( and the majority of things are NOT)...I pause...bc our brains need time to sort things out.

 

I think you selfing things right now is a good idea. Just work on you healing. :smitten:

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I’m really sorry about the timing of all this. I would just try to put this on the back burner for now although I know it’s hard and might not be possible. There’s nothing wrong with questioning your sexuality, especially after such a big event happened.

 

I’m a gay man myself and didn’t know till what would be considered pretty late in today’s time. I found out when high school was pretty much over. In hindsight the signs were there during puberty but I did not want to entertain the idea at all. I honestly wasn’t myself till I realized it though and I was so much happier after. A lot of my problems went away at that time and I’m glad.

 

I feels like it’s too much to go through during withdrawal though. I can’t image having to deal with a proposal during this process. It’s a lot of feelings happening at once and can be overwhelming for someone that isn’t going through withdrawal.

 

I just hope that maybe you can pause and come back to this topic when you’re able to think more clearly. I’m wishing you the best either way.

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How I did not recognize I was in a wave of symptoms I dont know.  I recognized It when I had a window last night and my mind was not racing...

 

Pamster mentioned it sounded like intrusive thoughts, she was right.  How is it that stress can induce a mental storm of symptoms that make NO SENSE.  I knew Something was weird because I was in FEAR of my sexual orientation changing, not actually feeling that it was changing.

 

Either way, now that I’m out of the mind twisting panic, I can tell you I’m over the moon and love my boyfriend more than anything in the world.  I discussed with him

About this being a long engagement, and even if we don’t ever marry he’s fine with it.  So we downgraded the ring to more of a promise ring to calm my nerves. 

 

And, I hired a great therapist...

 

Lastly, I texted my naturopathic doctor about the bisexual fear, he told me to “go for a walk around the track.”  I will use that now for code as “you’re in a benzo flare up, go chill out.”

 

No stress for me today BBs...need to rest and digest.  Everyone have a good day and thank you for reading my posts and providing support.

 

Love

FL

 

 

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Just a thought: You don't think you're flat out gay, so maybe bisexual, and maybe it's all withdrawal anxiety, but even if you were bi, it doesn't automatically mean you can't marry a person you love. Being bi doesn't give you permission to have sex with someone else outside of a monogamous relationship. So unless you want an open relationship with a man or a woman, I don't honestly see what difference it makes. If you love your fiancé and want to spend your life with him, then this is the person you've chosen, regardless of gender. Fresh out of Benzos is a messy time for most, and it can take quite a lot of time for some for the heart/mind to clear. The fact that you're saying you're lacking feeling for either sex sounds like withdrawal to me, it's a symptom. Lack of sex drive. I wouldn't go researching anything either. You're 36, not 15, and not averse to being whoever you are. It seems odd that your psyche would wait till now to send you messages about your orientation, but not unusual that you would be having symptoms related to withdrawal.
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