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Making progress, i guess?..... Tough time


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I am down to 5.5 mg of Valium, and take 0.1 mg Clonidine and 50mg of seroquel to help with anxiety and insomnia.I have moved back home with my family which is nice but I like having my apartment all to myself. I have become more isolated and prefer solitude but am also forcing myself to be a little social.

 

I wake up everyday with a headache, anxiety, and my back pain (just started physical therapy for that). And the "blanking out", as I call it, is ever present. This is what that feels like:

 

Racing/ OCD thoughts: In the past few months I have had a strange withdrawal effect. When I read or listen to something it feels like Im im on the edge of my seat (not suspense, more like anxiously tee'd up), and then as soon as I hear/ read something my mind feels like its racing/ blanking out (feel a compulsion to visualize or explain every single word). Imagine trying to run across flypaper, you get stuck periodically. When I read trivia questions that I love to do it feels like as soon as I see the questions the words seem empty and I feel the need to read it fast. I know I am comprehending everything because I usually get the questions right.....it feels like anything from conversations or reading triggers my anxiety and as a result I feel stupid/ rushed. When someone says "I hada difficult day", for example, the words seem empty and I feel compelled to visualize their response to "prove" I understand it which is exhausting.

 

I know that part of it is brain fog but it feels more than that, like my comprehension anticipation is dialed up to 11. Anyone have any experience with this? Its maddening especially when I realize I still have 2 months to go on my taper and I cant even watch TV or have a conversation without feeling on edge/ stupid.

 

I have found that meditating is difficult but I find solace in being outside, swimming, and drawing. I have to remind myself not to beat myself up and remind myself that I am not "stupid" and the blanking out is not permanant.

 

I am thankful that I dont have to work right now (not that I could right now) but its hard to be thankful when you feel like shit all the time .

 

Anxiety : 6.5/ 10      Blanking out: 9/10    Physical pain: 7/10    Insomnia:  3/10    Headaches: 6/10

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Hi there treacle! Yes you surely are making progress! No guessing about it, you have come a long way. I want you to know that I believe in you 10000%
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