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20 years on, one year off.


[Ju...]

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Today is exactly 12 months from the cold turkey in 2019 off of my 8 mg of Klonopin per day.

 

It was a really big mistake going cold turkey, especially after 20 years of swallowing pills all day everyday since year 2000. But I had tried to taper, with no luck. I had taken them for too long at too high of doses, so the only way off was run out and stay strong and tell myself Godspeed.

 

I didn't think I was going to make it this far honestly, the symptoms were so severe that I thought I was going to die. In fact, they are still severe on and off. I didn't even sleep last night so I slept all morning and until 3 pm. But right now I have a pretty good break or window, probably about 90%.

 

I still get really bad anxiety and severe burning and pain throughout my body, mainly in my legs. At 8 months I thought I was almost healed, and then the waves came back with a vengeance. After all the hospitalizations, I'm so glad I never have to deal with pills again.

 

I finally started going grocery shopping again on my own, it's really hard still going into Walmart especially during coronavirus going through withdrawal. And then I have to walk a mile there and a mile back in the heat and humidity.

 

Needless to say, this has taught me a huge lesson. Taught me the meaning of hard work and struggle. I've done it before in 2016, but I didn't stay off of them like this time. Walking around town carrying everything while going through withdrawal is pretty tough.

 

So there's the massive burning and pain and throbbing in my legs, and the really bad anxiety and electrical Sensations. But I'm getting multiple windows every day now. Some of the windows I feel great.

 

One thing I've noticed is a lot of my pain will go away at certain times of the day. I thought that I had permanent nerve damage butt I guess not. Whenever I get the windows without pain, I have much more energy as well. And then my mood improves.

 

So even though it's been an entire year today on the 14th, it's still a struggle. However, I'm getting my first true windows where it's not just anxiety disappearing, it's my old self coming back. It's also depression going away during the windows.

 

So whenever I get these year mark windows, I feel like going outside and going for a walk. That's really different, compared to the entire last year having horrible agoraphobia. So it's true, everything I've read on benzo buddies, it literally just goes away.

 

So now I just let the time pass on its own like I've been doing the last year, and let the withdrawal pass on its own also. It's really simple in terms of not having to do anything, it's just not simple going through it.

 

I'm just grateful that I had benzo buddies, because I read so many stories from people that had healed ahead of me. They said you just kick back and wait for it to go away and that's all there is to it. And they are right. Now if I could just fast forward until the end of it that would be great.

 

But even though there's massive suffering, it has taught me a lesson about determination. We are far more capable than we think. It might not be making us money and moving us along in life, but we will have a new appreciation at the end for life.

 

And most importantly, the pain and burning and anxiety and everything else that comes with it, especially the depression and wanting bad things to happen, it just vanishes. So hang in there.

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JIT: This just might be the best post you've written. you've put tears in my eyes - seriously. In my heart I am rooting for you every time I read your stuff. You've definitely had your challenges this year to put it mildly, so its awesome to hear you see some light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

 

:smitten:

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JIT,

 

Great progress. 20 years is a long time. I think it was like 18 for me. I cant imagine C/T!!!!

 

Stay strong it gets better. Its not a linear healing...

 

J

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You have Had one hell of a hard road but the fact that you have persevered to the point where you have seen those rays of light beyond all the mental/physical pain/emotional pain is seriously an inspiration.  Keep up the good work in spite of the obstacles.
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Thanks everyone, means a lot. No I'm still not capable of working, and my withdrawal was so severe on the cold turkey that now I'm actually doing physical therapy with a guy from the United Kingdom here in North Carolina.

 

Basically I wasn't even able to open my blinds because of paranoia, and I wasn't able to go for walks outside for an entire year just about. So it took a toll on me physically as well as mentally. I ended up getting muscular atrophy.

 

And then I started getting injured whenever I went back to exercising excessively. So my doctor ordered physical therapy for me through Telehealth of all places during Coronavirus. But it's a really nice guy from the United Kingdom and he's helping me out. He also does strength training which is good oh, he has a facility here in North Carolina.

 

And then I have my mental health therapist or all of my PTSD from being homeless on the streets of Colorado for a year, and no longer having my daughter and being evicted and going through all this trauma over the last few years. So I do that once a week. That's also through Telehealth.

 

The professionals have labeled me with chronic PTSD and bipolar type 1 with anxious distress and agoraphobia with panic attacks. And then I have fibromyalgia and degenerative disc disorder and a couple other things, so I'm trying to work all of that stuff out before thinking about actually working. And my disability is on the way oh, I have another hearing because the Appeals Council granted it. And this time I have all my records so I'm not worried about it.

 

And my housing waiting list just opened up because the apartments are finalized so that's good. Within the month I will have permanent housing for the first time in half a decade. Housing is a complete necessity to your health. I didn't know how bad it was until the last five years.

 

And yes my symptoms are starting to clear up majorly now. Not only is the anxiety and depression going away, but my old self is coming back which is the best part. Everything works out eventually.

 

Anyways I'll stop rambling, basically if you keep doing good things, good things will happen. I think we all heal if we use our strength and determination to get through it

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Wow that sounds like you really got your ducks in a row now!  That is great to get the housing and the physical therapy and the disability.  When it rains, it pours! 

 

I think I actually have some muscle atrophy from benzo withdrawal.  I have been thinking about physical therapy, but because of covid, wasn't sure how to proceed.  That is interesting how they are doing that via video calls now.  Have you done a session yet?  I'm curious as to how that would work. 

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Thanks, I think so too, everything is falling into place.

 

As far as the physical therapy, it was kind of like a normal doctor appointment, he was asking me about meds and past health conditions and he had me place my phone on the table and angle it towards myself and I had to walk about 5 to 10 foot back.

 

He had me do some different stretches in front of the camera, and he had me turned sideways and then had me lay on the bed and Lift my back and legs and some other things. He told me to tell him where my pain is if I have any, and he just assess me via video.

 

Problem is, I still don't have my Medicaid that's in the process of being completed, so I have to wait on my next appointment. Otherwise it's $49 per visit out-of-pocket and I don't have that right now.

 

They have a facility to go into you, so you don't have to do it by Telehealth, and they have strength training equipment as well. So the goal is to get my insurance and continue with everything so that I can get myself back to how I was before the withdrawal process.

 

And yes, I believe the benzo withdrawal somehow sped up the muscular atrophy. There was the part from laying around, and then I'm pretty sure the benzo withdrawal weakened the muscles as well. So I'm doing as much on my own time as I can before going to my visit again.

 

It's like the old saying, if there's a will there's a way.

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That sounds very promising JustInTime.  I hope your medicaid doesn't take too long to go through.  Thanks for sharing what the virtual pt appointment was like.  I couldn't imagine it for some reason, but now I see how it works and could be very helpful. 
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Yeah it's pretty basic stuff. He gives you different exercises to do and shows you how to do them. It's kind of like mental health therapy in a way, a therapist gives you mental health tips and ways to go about living.

 

So whether it's physical therapy or mental therapy, they are just giving you tips and you can probably do it on your own without them, but sometimes it helps to have somebody show you the way. Especially when you're injured, to prevent doing more damage.

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Keep going in your recovery. Be brave!  It's terrible to have to walk so far in the heat to get groceries.  I am lucky my husband drives and does the shopping and errands.  I hope to be able to at least drive around our village, not on the Thruway eventually. Come back and write your success story some day.  Thank God for Benzo Buddies.
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Yeah it's the same with me, I'm still not able to drive. I'm thinking in the near future I will give it a shot, but it's going to be a while before I'm on interstates and stuff.

 

and yes, the grocery shopping is Extreme. I have to walk a mile there in the Heat and then enter a big crowd at Walmart and stand in line while going through withdrawal, and then cart my stuff out and carry it all by hand for a couple miles. It's really heavy and it's hot and humid in the southeast especially in the Summer sun. And I've got my anxiety problems that are not medicated either.

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