18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[so...]]

Way to go, Drew!  Congrats!

[[Fl...]]

Fantastic.  So happy for you.❤️

[[...]]

This is wonderful Drew  Enjoy your honeymoon, you deserve it 

[[...]]

Well, after a crappy start and feeling doomed yesterday, I picked up. Shopped, cooked and wrapped some presents. Went to bed and back in the thick of it. Depressed and exhausted anted to go to York with my daughter, just couldn't. When can you trust in life again? Sorry to moan as I know we are all sufering. Wish I had a magic wand........ 

[[Si...]]

Well, after a crappy start and feeling doomed yesterday, I picked up. Shopped, cooked and wrapped some presents. Went to bed and back in the thick of it. Depressed and exhausted anted to go to York with my daughter, just couldn't. When can you trust in life again? Sorry to moan as I know we are all sufering. Wish I had a magic wand........ 

 

Hi Marj! At you at least had a little push forward. I know all too well the night depression. It hit me hard yesterday. We got some bikes yesterday and then worked up a sweat riding them in the neighborhood next to ours. A lot of hills! Fun going down, not so much back up. Afterwords we were going to just watch tv, but then some friends from college asked if we wanted to see a Christmas band they had extra tickets to. So we ended up doing that and it was a lot of fun. Went to get groceries after. Night shopping for groceries is easier as there is almost nobody in the store. We have a lot of places that are open for 24 hours. Came home, ate cereal for dinner. I was worried I wouldn't sleep last night since I got nearly 8 the night before. Went to bed at 12pm and fell asleep rather easily. Wife woke me up at 1am asking if I was asleep! Luckily went right back to sleep. Woke up at 4am, then back in and out of sleep until around 8am. So sorry you don't get to go to York with your daughter. At some point you'll be able to do these things again with ease.

 

Hugs 

[[mr...]]

Well, after a crappy start and feeling doomed yesterday, I picked up. Shopped, cooked and wrapped some presents. Went to bed and back in the thick of it. Depressed and exhausted anted to go to York with my daughter, just couldn't. When can you trust in life again? Sorry to moan as I know we are all sufering. Wish I had a magic wand........ 

 

Marj,

 

In my experience, trusting in life again just sorta slowly happens. The "wham-bam" of getting hit by withdrawal slowly fades -- like, sloooooowly! So slow, that it's like you wake up one day and realize, Hey! I trust life again! When did that happen?!

 

Just keep truckin' for now, girl It will happen soon enough As Harry Chapin says, Let Time Go Lightly

 

Mrs.

[[...]]

Thanks Siggy, you sound really good.

 

Aww Mrs, it means a lot you stopping by. The trust thing is so hard. It seems as soon as I let my guard down, I get slammed.  This benzo thing is evil. Yes that's one thing I do do; keep on trucking, just waiting for joy to come back and stay. 

[[Mi...]]

Sorry Marj, I know how you feel!  This past wk has been horrific! I was doing so well!  My 85%baseline seems to have shattered into a million pieces!  The air feels heavy, every part of my body hurts! And the anxiety has a near death grip on me! And my brain seems to have stopped working, I feel slow like I am stoned or something!  Please someone tell me that someday we truly will heal! I am so scared that this is my forever life!  The DP has a hold on me, sorry ya all! I truly have fought this for almost 22 months and am finding the hope I had gone!  I know I am in a wave a rather large one.  But something about this one is different!  Before I would fight, I would cry!  This one I just don't have the strength! I don't have the hope for a better tomorrow!  Idk.....  I don't think I have ever felt this way before, not sure what it is.  But, I do know I really hate it! 

 

 

[[sa...]]

Miss Jen hang in there. You are just in a wave so the brain starts pouring in negativity. We will all be better. I'm just coming out of a 6 week wave after being 75-85% for a couple of months so I know what you mean. very hard to cope with this junk so far out. What choice do we have though? Just got to battle through. I keep telling myself. This is not me. I will heal. I will be so much better. It's coming, we just don't have the time supplied. Hope for it every day and someday we will be right.  List the things that are better. There are some things that are gone. Celebrate that and battle on...

 

The thoughts get so crazy in these waves. I get to angry and hateful and that is not me at all. I will say that now that this latest wave passed, I feel some emotion. Some love seeping in. Sadness also. But it's good to feel these things. I've had horrible emotional blunting the entire 25 months. I think that is improving now. Baby steps to victory. Now if I could just loose the nausea, I'd be doing sooo... much better.

 

Praying for you -Sas

[[...]]

Jen,

 

This really is the toughest time of our life.  You were doing so well, so you will again. The non linear of getting over this is cruel, that's why I mentioned about trusting life again. When we feel so wounded again we always feel that this is our forever life and our hope goes out of the window. I spoke to a lady at lunchtime who has been helping people through this for 29 years and when I said this feels so permanent, she said ''you can get that out of your head now, I wouldn't have been doing this all this time if people didn't come through''

 

Have you been stressed? With Christmas again it is impossible not to be stressed especially, generally for a Mum (no disrespect to Dad's). Even when you're not in WD, it's a stressful time. I've had death grip anxiety today too. Going home to put Christmas tree up, usually enjoy it but not too bothered right now. Hopefully once I get into it, that will change. We WILL get there 

[[Te...]]

I wish I'd get a window.......wishing.....when you have windows does all the worst symptoms go completely away....or just more manageable?

 

I feel I'm always so negative.....but I feel so bad....trying just to make it through each day without losing it......cried yesterday morning due to pain.....then the anxiety lifted enough to make me cope....then last night BAM.....all good mental feelings....went out the door..

 

I guess I don't cope we'll with chronic pain...never stops....I'm I the only one with chronic symptoms before even jumping.....referring to my teeth and mouth issues....pain is so severe....keep thinking its not withdrawal......it will be coming up on three years in Feb......since root canal went....no one could figure why the pressure....and pain...that's why I jumped off clonazepam ....maybe it's not from benzo...but know I have a lot of benzo symptoms on top of tooth pain

Does anyone still have terrible symptom....and that's why they quit benzo?

Sorry ...I'm really confused......can you all tell my mind is just a cyclone today........so sorry

I've been to sooooo many dentist.....specialist for burning mouth.....all say go back on clonazepam ...it will help.....I'm confused....

Wishing everyone healing hugs!

TM

[[ca...]]

I wish I'd get a window.......wishing.....when you have windows does all the worst symptoms go completely away....or just more manageable?

 

I feel I'm always so negative.....but I feel so bad....trying just to make it through each day without losing it......cried yesterday morning due to pain.....then the anxiety lifted enough to make me cope....then last night BAM.....all good mental feelings....went out the door..

 

I guess I don't cope we'll with chronic pain...never stops....I'm I the only one with chronic symptoms before even jumping.....referring to my teeth and mouth issues....pain is so severe....keep thinking its not withdrawal......it will be coming up on three years in Feb......since root canal went....no one could figure why the pressure....and pain...that's why I jumped off clonazepam ....maybe it's not from benzo...but know I have a lot of benzo symptoms on top of tooth pain

Does anyone still have terrible symptom....and that's why they quit benzo?

Sorry ...I'm really confused......can you all tell my mind is just a cyclone today........so sorry

I've been to sooooo many dentist.....specialist for burning mouth.....all say go back on clonazepam ...it will help.....I'm confused....

Wishing everyone healing hugs!

TM

 

I just wanted to chime in on this.  Ive had a root canal issue even before benzos and im not sure its a pain but its feels like a dull pressure in the gum area.  Do you have a crown over yours?  I find that once i had a crown put over my tooth, the pressure minimized.  Another thing that may help is coconut oil pulling.  I put a scoop of coconut oil in my mouth every night and swish it around for 20 mins. I go about my normal business so that i dont notice the oil in my mouth. Once that 20 mins is up, i spit it into the toilet and i spend a minute sucking the saliva in my mouth to pull out bacteria, then spit.  Then you can go about your regular brushing routine.  This may help the burning mouth sensation.  If it doesnt,  then at least you'll have a cleaner mouth.

[[Mi...]]

Texas,  I have only had a few days in the past year of complete 100% old me feeling!  I say I am in a window when I am ok!  Not great, not bad, just ok some days good! That's how I go by with windows and waves Idk how everyone else defines them?

 

The coconut pull is highly recommended by my naturopath I know my mom swears by them! I have never tried it!

[[sa...]]

Windows for me equal zero symptoms. Complete bliss. I've only had about 10 all year, but they are what keep me going. They feel so good, I can't even imagine being like that all the time. That's the prize waiting for all of us. 

[[Mi...]]

Sasquatch and Marj, 

 

Thank you for your kind words!  I truly don't know what I would do with out this group! Especially in these waves!

 

I know I am better! And no where near where I was!  I just so badly want to just be my old self! I sometimes really hate this benzo sick person I have become!  I want to just laugh again, love again, be able to leave the house/make plans without wondering how I will be mentally, physically, emotionally! I want to work again! Idk sorry guys this roller coaster ride has just been to long! I never imagined the time clock being this large for full recovery! 

 

[[Te...]]

Ok....my only semi window is ....anxiety crap is pretty much gone....but still have physical symptoms but they seem during this time more easiy to tolerate...that's all I get every so often....

 

My root canal broke.....took two months of telling my dentist of pain when it broke....didn't show on X-rays or ct scan.....even was getting abscesses....finally I just begs to pull tooth ...root canal was shoved into sinus cavity.....more surgeries.....hole to sinus cavity was still open discovered in third surgery....still pressure,pain,and terrible taste...I try and do coconut oil everyday.....it's a pain that just rubs on my nerves.....never stops....

 

Sorry to babble about my mouth issues....idk...if the burning mouth has something to do with it or clonazepam withdrawal....

 

Thank you....everyone

TM

[[Mi...]]

Texas Mama, sounds like our partial windows are the same! 

 

[[Ko...]]

Texas Mama,

 

My heart goes out to you. Nerve pain in the mouth has to be unbearable. You may be suffering from both Benzo withdrawal and nerve damage from the root canal. Have you gone to a different dentist?

Does the Benzo stop the burning and nerve pain? I don't know your history, but why did you decide to stop the Benzo?

 

You're kind of caught between a rock and a hard place. Just know some physical issues aren't caused by the Benzo withdrawal.

 

 

[[Ko...]]

MissJen and Sasquatch,

 

We're all suffering a lot. It's not fair this far out, but we've made it this far so we must continue to fight. Healing could be just around the corner. I'm in my 25 month since the end of my taper. i tapered 14 months and was sick 7 months of that. So all together I've been suffering mostly home bound for 32 months. After all that time I'm not going to give up. I know I've healed some, so the rest will heal soon.

 

Keep the faith, you've managed this far so you can keep going until you're better.

[[Sk...]]

Jen,

 

This really is the toughest time of our life.  You were doing so well, so you will again. The non linear of getting over this is cruel, that's why I mentioned about trusting life again. When we feel so wounded again we always feel that this is our forever life and our hope goes out of the window. I spoke to a lady at lunchtime who has been helping people through this for 29 years and when I said this feels so permanent, she said ''you can get that out of your head now, I wouldn't have been doing this all this time if people didn't come through''

 

Have you been stressed? With Christmas again it is impossible not to be stressed especially, generally for a Mum (no disrespect to Dad's). Even when you're not in WD, it's a stressful time. I've had death grip anxiety today too. Going home to put Christmas tree up, usually enjoy it but not too bothered right now. Hopefully once I get into it, that will change. We WILL get there 

 

Marj, thanks for posting this, it gave me a lot of comfort. It's great to hear that there are people out there, in the " real" world, that understand this that is happening to us.

 

I too, sometimes feel this might be permanent, so it was great to get some reassurance, once again. 

 

Christmas can be hard, if for no other reason, for our expectations.

 

Speak soon.

[[Te...]]

Korbe..is stopped clonazapam due to extracted tooth pain.....I was waking up a lot with lock jaw...I think it was benzo doing it.....but after seven months of tooth pain....so many doctors and neurologist...no one could explain tooth pain....had several surgeries on tooth site....still no improvement so one doctor said clonazepam can cause phantom tooth disorder...and bad taste so I decided given that along with other things it was time to jump but this only added more symptoms to the mess.....on bad days I think I got some type of toxin poison from root canal....is that weird

But my tooth pain is like the squeezing tight head band pain...all the time..it's really hard to describe but chronic pain is the worst thing I've ever had to deal with....

Ok....sorry everyone....I'm babbling.....this is my life....somedays just are worse than others...like yesterday was terrible

Miss Jen...so we both get just partial windows.....I'm praying we both get better ones next year!

Wondering did you have the swallow test ...think it was you....if so....how did it go?

Hugs!

TM

[[Si...]]

Hi TX. Sorry you have so much tooth pain. I can't say for sure I'd it's fully benzo related, but it's certainly possible. I have all kinds of head pain and pressure. Probably in my top three worst symptoms. I occassionaly have some tooth pain, but luckily it's fleeting. I do have a friend that was on 5 mg a day of Ativan for about 5 years. He was one of the really lucky ones and just quit without any withdrawal. The ONLY symptom he said he had was bad tooth pain. Possibly this is a combo benzo and something else? Strange that multiple doctors can't find anything, but of course I don't trust them as far as I can throw them now. Hope today is a better day for you.

[[Te...]]

Yeah Siggy...there is this huge hole between doctors and dentist....then holistic dentist really scares me....all the stuff....like root canal caused my breast cancer....toxic in root canals and since it sat in me for almost three months in bedded in sinus cavity...and every x Ryan and ct scan showed nothing scares me....but I was having issues with teeth and jaw after running out of clonazepam for seven days...bad wirhdawal symptoms those seven days...got pills all symptoms stopped but teeth where messed up felt like I had tight braces on then root canal went when chewing on a chip...then things spiraled......root canal went...started noticing...heart racing...hot flashes....terrible taste...sleeping got weird...then with each follow up surgery....more issues.....then when reducing benzo and stopping all crap broke lose....

Take care....sorry ..I need to quit talking about my teeth issues...sorry...

Hugs!

TM

[[Mi...]]

Hey Everyone,

 

Sorry for the negativity yesterday! This 17 day long wave continues and I am just getting so ran down by it! 

But also as bad as this wave is I am no where near as bad as I used to be during a wave! I think for me the fear and the memory's haunt me! And like Marj said, learning to trust yourself again! I need to find a way to do that as well!  So today even in this wave I want to shine some light in the darkness!

So far during this wave I have been hit by anxiety, pretty much at least 50% of the waking day! But I have been able to keep myself out of the full fledge panic attacks! No idea how I am hoping it's because of my baseline improved! Where as before I would have been so bad in a big wave I literally wouldn't have been left alone!  That should pretty much sum it up!

 

Yes I feel stoned but no DR at all in this 17 day stretch!

 

No I am not leaving my house during this  time solo!  But, I do have the courage to leave with my hubby. Last night I went to my sons hockey game! And actually didn't mind being out! Before during these waves if I had to leave I would cry, if the phone rang I would hide! I literally found it to hard to leave my bedroom!

 

My muscles hurt everything hurts but I am not indulging in the health fears! Refuse to go there during this wave! The pain is bad but on a less intense form!  I had a barium swallow test scheduled it landed in the middle of this wave, I cancelled as I knew it would just be to much and you know what, I am not beating myself up about it! Yep a little disappointed but these stomach pains haven't killed me once in the past two years so I am not going there either during this stretch!

 

My throat feels tight, the air feels heavier, and my neck feels like it's in cement! Not to mention the reflux and bloating and belching.    But, my throat does not feel like it's closing any moment 24/7, I am not having that wretched air hunger I can't breath feeling, no migraines, and no stabbing stomach pains! 

 

My heart palps aren't constant 24/7, I am not changing my clothes 5 plus times a day from sweating straight through them!

 

I am warm but do not have the 50 shades of red going on! My body is not changing in color that extreme! I may be a little rosey in the cheeks! But the warmth hasn't been coarsing thru my veins!

 

I may feel hopeless, discouraged, tired, and trying to find the strength to just put one foot in front of the other today!  But, I look outside and the world doesn't look as dark as it had in the past waves!

 

And hey best part yet, no psychosis I know who I am!

 

And the FEAR, I think for me right now isn't so much what is happening to me at this very moment I have survived far far worse!  I think it's that feeling of how bad will this get? Will this wave stay like it has for the last 17 days? Is there some great big firework finally coming at the end of this?  So I am fighting to stay in this present moment and not let that fear in! Those what ifs! I know I am my own worst enemy in these waves! And I am trying to just let go and get out of my own way! Idk, how do you all do it? Get out of your own way during these times?  Because that's my missing link during this wave?  And no one but a benzo withdrawl survivor would know what I mean! Would understand!

 

 

It wasn't until this past October after my last wave that pulled me all the way back to acute like sxs! That I finally felt like I was awake! Like I was living my life not someone else I barely recognized! It wasn't until a couple months ago I really actually came to! And realized just how bad I had been! I barely remember last Christmas! What we got the kids,what we did, where we celebrated! I was looking through the picture book the other day. I was helping my daughter out with a school project! More than half the pictures I was in I had no memory of the event! There was one where we were all in a boat, my whole family this past summer? No memory of being there what so ever!  A Christmas movie we watched either last winter or the winter before who knows! I rented the other day to have a family night in! Everyone kinda looked at me like ummm we all went to the theater to see this!

Idk but that's what I mean when I say I didn't realize how bad I was! I do remember some stuff but mostly fear! Mostly haunted memory's!

 

I never want to be that person again! That person who is so scared to leave the bedroom let alone the house so I don't go to a hockey game or a event of my kiddos!  In the morning when I wake up and go into the bathroom, I look into the mirror with caution! The memory of not freaking knowing my own self haunts me!

 

So how do we survive these waves without the what ifs?  That feeling of how bad is this one going to be?  How do we trust ourselves again? Trust in the healing and baseline improvements? Because I have really noticed in this wave I am more present BUT, more in my own way than ever before! I am making this wave harder than it has to be!

 

So, I apologize again for yesterday! Yes I am in a wave at 22 months! And yes it really truly sucks! But the wave is less intense!

And I thank who ever told me about Ian and the 2 year mark usually bringing the most recovery and healing! 

 

Sorry this got way longer than I wanted but I felt I owed some honesty to those just starting this 18 month mark!  Even if you don't realize it like I didn't yesterday! We are healing!

 

And if anyone has experienced this in your own way! Making things harder on yourself than they have to be, haunted by memorys! And has learned how to get out of your own way or how to trust yourself again!  Please please do share!  I know my therapist is trying to help me, as well as my hubby! But breathing and grounding yourself ect.......  Just isn't doing it for me! I truly believe even though they have the very best of intentions they just truly don't get it!  Yeah breathing may help but what we have been through you can't just breath your way through it! Especially in a wave like state! 

 

 

 

[[Te...]]

Sorry Jen......but thank you for sharing your experiences with ths benzo crap.....I was wondering if I was the only one...with issues....but I'm still way different....my bad symptoms stay with me 24/7.. But other symptoms cycle....every so many days...they re turn...I guess I should start a journal...and maybe it's something in my diet...

Does your throat...how can I say can you feel it squeeze when it tightens...I also get this weird throat dryness...it gags me as I want to cough...wonder if I'm the only one who gets dryness with tightness...it's lie a ball of dryness and squeezing together....

Yesterday I hit anxiety straight on ...my mind was so wound up...can't evn find rods to describe the ugly feeling....walked three times....cleaned drawers...wrapped gifts...nothing would get in distracted..I wanted to scream....and then all I focused on was I must have toxins in body from extracted root canal or some bad neuro disease...I was shaking ...total body shakes last night...really thought I was dying....

I'm so glad your seeing improvement...this is hugs!

TM