18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[sa...]]

Marj,

 

It is very hard this time of year indeed. I remember last year I had a good Nov and Dec until the 23rd and then the wheels came off the bus and I missed the holiday. Then I thought "next year I will be wonderful"  boy was I incorrect. This beast is relentless. Discouragement is it's greatest tool.

 

We have to keep pressing on. I have to believe things will improve soon.  Healing could be right around the corner. We have no way of knowing the when and that is the hardest part of this journey.

[[...]]

Marj,

 

It is very hard this time of year indeed. I remember last year I had a good Nov and Dec until the 23rd and then the wheels came off the bus and I missed the holiday. Then I thought "next year I will be wonderful"   boy was I incorrect. This beast is relentless. Discouragement is it's greatest tool.

 

We have to keep pressing on. I have to believe things will improve soon.  Healing could be right around the corner. We have no way of knowing the when and that is the hardest part of this journey.

 

 

Me too and it is such a shock that a year of suffering has passed and here we are again. It makes it even harder this year as you sort of lose that trust, just like when you have an improvement and then you fall back in the pit again. Also everyone heals differently, some have weeks of feeling good whereas I start every day the same; wondering how I'm going to get through and every weekend is the same in that I have essential things to do like washing, ironing, shopping, cooking and that's it, anything else is a massive bonus. There is no spontinaety when going through this.  I spoke with Ian Singleton again today. I know I harp on abouit him but he is so reassuring and has so much hope in what he says. When I tell him I have no joy in anything that i used to enjoy, he just says ''oh, you won't, but you will again, believe me.

[[Sk...]]

Marj,

 

It is very hard this time of year indeed. I remember last year I had a good Nov and Dec until the 23rd and then the wheels came off the bus and I missed the holiday. Then I thought "next year I will be wonderful"   boy was I incorrect. This beast is relentless. Discouragement is it's greatest tool.

 

We have to keep pressing on. I have to believe things will improve soon.  Healing could be right around the corner. We have no way of knowing the when and that is the hardest part of this journey.

 

 

Me too and it is such a shock that a year of suffering has passed and here we are again. It makes it even harder this year as you sort of lose that trust, just like when you have an improvement and then you fall back in the pit again. Also everyone heals differently, some have weeks of feeling good whereas I start every day the same; wondering how I'm going to get through and every weekend is the same in that I have essential things to do like washing, ironing, shopping, cooking and that's it, anything else is a massive bonus. There is no spontinaety when going through this.  I spoke with Ian Singleton again today. I know I harp on abouit him but he is so reassuring and has so much hope in what he says. When I tell him I have no joy in anything that i used to enjoy, he just says ''oh, you won't, but you will again, believe me.

 

Marj, thanks for " harping " about Ian Singleton !

 

WHen I get back my landline, I will call Cepuk, hoping they will take my calls.

 

May I just add, I too had such a different idea of this Xmas. I thought, I will suffer for two years and after, next christmas will be super nice.

 

This thing is not going away, so let's try to make the best with what we have ? But it's hard, I get symptoms from all over.

 

Siggy, Sasquatch, nice seeing you guys, sorry you are all suffering so much.

 

Korbe, still with the nerve pain, you are so brave in facing such an awful symptom.

 

Anybody know about Beulah ?

[[Te...]]

Sofa.....I get this anxiety thing your having but not everyday...this has gotten better....but seems lik every once in a while it's just terrible.....I just try and clean closets....go on small walks or just plain old pace.....so sorry girl

 

Sounds like a lot of us are suffering...I pray everyday that we all start seeing improvement....it's harder to believe its just benzo withdrawal....after almost two years....this thought plays in my head so much....wonder if it's some type of viral or something toxic from extracted root canal....due to this is how it got so messed up when root canal went...and meaning most of my pain....and bad taste and burning all comes from extracted area....I relly wonder .....I've seen so any dentist....done o many surgeries....maybe I'll never feel any relief....scary

 

Oh well....sorry I'm venting...I wish you all a relaxed day....thinking of you all....

[[sh...]]

Hi all

 

is it ok to join this club? I may be able to offer some hope to others too.

 

Those of you in this bracket-the healing continues- ive been there read my signature. But I would like to join if that's ok.

 

You don't feel like your healing-that happened to me the first time but then it got to the stage where even though I wasn't completely healed I was leading a completely normal life. As time went on from 30 months I measured my recovery in years purely because I wasn't thinking of it because they were so mild and healing continues....It still is for me, despite my current miserable set back which is a little shocking. I was living in protracted withdrawal with minimal symptoms.

 

Moral to my story- Do nothing and you heal a little every day.

 

Shania

 

 

[[Mi...]]

Hi Everyone, just checking in! 

 

I am in month 22!  Wow thought I would either be completely healed by now as I am sure we all thought!  Well, I have been maintaining my 80/85% baseline!  And in a wave right now! I can tell as my anxiety has been up for a week or so!  But, I can really tell now just how chemical it is!  My head feels off as well!  I wouldn't say that dreaded stoned feeling I used to get it's more so just off!  Slow, I guess! All I have wanted to do is zone out I front of the TV or nap like all day every day!  Which in its self is kinda a treat as napping was to difficult with the old anxiety and pure panic. And TV well that used to be to much to stand!  And that anxiety well for me it's been just kinda there!  Nothing super extreme but not a walk in the park either! But, I will take it!  It seems that since my last huge huge death gripping wave back in the beginning of October I have maintained this baseline and the waves still come and yeah they super suck but they are smaller in intensity that they have ever been!  As before I would actually want to crawl out of my skin!  I haven't had any huge DR or 24/7 stoned feelings!  I am trying to stay strong mentally as the physical sx keep hitting me hard!  My worst physical sx is my whole digestive track!  Belly ect....    And the random pains all over are! My biggest complaint isn't the pain it's the staying calm/ health fears that are unleashed during the pain!  The past couple days I have had on and off chest pains which are really hard to stay calm during!  I saw a cardio specialist a year or so ago!  And after a million tests he said everything looked perfect and I am only 34.  But still it's those damn what ifs?  If I could find away to just be able to say to myself and BELIEVE IT, THAT THIS IS JUST MY BODY HEALING NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS, Wow, I would be much better off!  But even though that part sucks I truly am doing so much better!  You guys know how agoraphobic I was well I am running around town Christmas shopping, going to the kiddos events ect....  I still very much so like my hubby, mom, or sister to come with me if I travel to the city it's about a hour away!  But hey I spent the first whole year of withdrawl in my house so I am not going to get to down on myself for wanting someone with me to go into the city!  I also used to hate being alone was sure I would die of something before my hubby got home from work! Now 90% of the time I enjoy/am ok being home alone everyday!  So I still have some healing to do and Ofcourse am sick and tired of this stuff and the daily struggles but they are on a much less intensity!  I am so hoping to be able to go back to work in a couple months! But we will see? As whenever I feel trapped all bets are still off!  Idk in all honesty if that's withdrawl or just me with a little bit of shell shock/ PTSD from the psychosis and everything we have had to go through?  But, now that I have most of my rational mind back it's a bit easier to digest!  Still though I find myself daily thinking of the horror wondering if this baseline will hold steady? Wondering if it's ok to let my guard down! I no longer have the air hunger or throat closing sensations! Yay!  But it's like there is this small pressure on my chest and breathing isn't as easy as it used to be!  I think this comes from that fear! The fear of will I unravel again, will I still be ok in the next minute?  Every night I go to bed I wonder will I know who I am in the morning?  I really truly believe this is just from all the trauma I went through. And the longer I hold on to this baseline the stronger and more confident I will become!  So in all honesty other than the physical sx I don't know how much of the remaining mental sx are me or the benzos?  Not knowing who I was being scared of my own self was a little to much for me to swallow!  But time will tell! 

 

I truly hope you all are doing well and we all get a Christmas miracle this year!  Sending my love and healing hugs to you all,

 

Miss Jen

[[Mi...]]

Sofa,  the anxiety it will pass! I remember that chemical anxiety that would coarse through my veins! I promise it will get better!  I know how terrifying it can be!  I never had it before this benzo experience!  I am so sorry! It was truly my worst sx!  Mine isn't completely gone but it's on a much less intensity level for the most part! Stay strong! 

[[sa...]]

The Chem anxiety is the worst. Usually the worst in the morning and then better as the day goes. It's an all day affair today. Lucky me. Keeping busy at work today. Tough to be here, but it make the time pass.

[[so...]]

Miss Jenn and Sas,

 

Thank you so much for the sympathy and encouragement.  I finished month 13 today, now onward through month 14. 

 

Jenn, I'm so happy about your progress and all your improvements.  You've fought hard for every day you feel better and I can't wait until you report the very last symptom leaving you for good.

 

Sas,

 

Yours has been one tough battle to freedom.  In the midst of your suffering you always seem to muster up the strength to put your arm around other buddies and offer empathy and support.  Thank you for all you do.

 

I am praying every night for all of us to heal 100% this month.  After all, 'tis the season!

 

Love, Sofa

[[...]]

Thanks Miss Jen for your update, it’s really encouraging and I’m so pleased you can see progress. I suppose we need to remember that however we feel, we are making progress even when it doesn’t feel like it. I understand about the physical symptoms, it’s so uncomfortable. Also we get to this stage and cannot help but worry about our health. I am 20 months and especially today I’m worrying ‘again’ that this could be MS, or that there is something permanently wrong with my neck. Has your sleep improved Jen? I am a little afraid of sleep as I feel rubbish after I have slept, but then I’m not getting any at the moment and still feel bad!!

 

Well I had a much better day yesterday and went to bed feeling positive, and bam, had a second night of no sleep and my body just feeling painful and distorted in the night. Today I feel full of cement from head to toe and really spaced out. What is it with this, every time you feel you are getting somewhere it just slams you back down to dishearten you again. I am trying to remain positive and tell myself MY BODY IS HEALING too.

 

Wishing everyone calm and healing 

[[...]]

Marj,

 

It is very hard this time of year indeed. I remember last year I had a good Nov and Dec until the 23rd and then the wheels came off the bus and I missed the holiday. Then I thought "next year I will be wonderful"   boy was I incorrect. This beast is relentless. Discouragement is it's greatest tool.

 

We have to keep pressing on. I have to believe things will improve soon.  Healing could be right around the corner. We have no way of knowing the when and that is the hardest part of this journey.

 

 

Me too and it is such a shock that a year of suffering has passed and here we are again. It makes it even harder this year as you sort of lose that trust, just like when you have an improvement and then you fall back in the pit again. Also everyone heals differently, some have weeks of feeling good whereas I start every day the same; wondering how I'm going to get through and every weekend is the same in that I have essential things to do like washing, ironing, shopping, cooking and that's it, anything else is a massive bonus. There is no spontinaety when going through this.  I spoke with Ian Singleton again today. I know I harp on abouit him but he is so reassuring and has so much hope in what he says. When I tell him I have no joy in anything that i used to enjoy, he just says ''oh, you won't, but you will again, believe me.

 

Marj, thanks for " harping " about Ian Singleton !

 

WHen I get back my landline, I will call Cepuk, hoping they will take my calls.

 

May I just add, I too had such a different idea of this Xmas. I thought, I will suffer for two years and after, next christmas will be super nice.

 

This thing is not going away, so let's try to make the best with what we have ? But it's hard, I get symptoms from all over.

 

Siggy, Sasquatch, nice seeing you guys, sorry you are all suffering so much.

 

Korbe, still with the nerve pain, you are so brave in facing such an awful symptom.

 

Anybody know about Beulah ?

 

 

Sky, I'm so please you checked in, I have missed you and often wondered how you are doing. Great to hear from you. Yes Christmas is an added pressure and I so want to have the usual feelings about it, however it's just not there and it breaks my heart. Again, going back to Ian Singleton. I said that I never thought another Christmas would come and it would still be this bad and he said this will be the last one and that generally when you're in this, you're in it until healing takes hold. I sort of get that 

[[so...]]

Marj,

 

Again thank you for your encouraging words from Ian. I so appreciate you telling us what he has to say about all this garbage.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling yucky.  We're all here with you in the same boat getting tossed and nearly overturned by these waves.  Some days are not so bad the, for no reason, BAM!

 

Everone heals sooner or later.  I hope it is sooner for all of us!

 

Love, Sofa

[[...]]

Hi Sofa,

 

Thanks hun. Yes wish this was over, it stinks!!! We need to keep telling ourselved how tough we really are 

[[Te...]]

Miss Jen....can you explain the feeling of chemical anxiety in veins....I just can not get this warm feeling in arms and legs to go away....then every other day add bugs crawling under skin....these symptoms are getting worse...just don't understand....feel sora weak and shakey....I was wondering if it chemical anxiety....don't have a lot of anxiety just normal....I'm not pacing may because I feel so weak...idk

 

I wish Ian would take calls from the US....really would Luke to chat with someone who survived this crap...anyone one of some in in US

 

Hugs!

TM

[[Mi...]]

Chemical anxiety feels for me different than normal anxiety!  I guess for me anxiety is when I have a doctors apt and I stress about it or something causing me to overly worry about something a flight, a drive down the free way when it is snowing ect.....   

 

This chemical anxiety this anxiety I have never ever felt before benzos, is different!  Like today I was listening to Christmas music, wrapping gifts perfectly peacefull. Not worried about anything  and all of a sudden I got a bit shakey, my heart raced, I had the feeling of heaviness on my chest!  My body got warm my face completely flushed! It was like I could feel the warmth coursing thru my veins!  I felt a little spacey afterwards! And now I have had chest tightness and belly pains ever since!  These are the days I don't like being alone! That 10% of the time I am  still working through!  I can feel the chemical aspect of it! And yes it really sucks and it is super scary and I get a million health fears that run through me at that time! But, ever since my baseline improvement after a week long wave in October that was extremely acute!  Theese events haven't  lasted as long or have been as severe! I haven't had my throat closing sensations, air hunger, DR ect.....  And as much as they suck they haven't caused a absolute panic attack/ breakdown!  I have been in a wave for about 10 days or so.  And have been dealing with this daily during this wave.  And it hasn't been fun but before it would be so intense I wouldn't leave the house! I would have been having extreme panic attacks, stoned 24/7 feeling, DR!  This past wknd I went to my sons hockey games feeling like this.  Yesterday I went and ran errands ect, feeling like this.  I don't have my blood pressure machine out and running every minute!  Idk it's just all on a lesser scale!  But lesser than pure hell isn't easy ! Lol!  It still really really sucks!  My DP has pretty much lifted!  It hits mild when I wonder if this is as good as I am going to get! But then I remember how bad it was and how far I have come from wearing a life jacket and being trapped in my closet in complete psychosis to now having a bit of anxiety at the grocery store ect...  And it hadn't even been two years! So I figure if I can go from that to this I must be able to go from this to my old self, right? 

 

We are all so strong!  I know I have found strength with in myself that I never could have imagined in a million years! 

 

Oh yes my sleep!  Much much better!  Some nights it takes a hour or so to really get into that deep sleep but once I am there I am out! 8 full hours and if the alarm didn't go off to help kiddos get ready for school I would sleep 10 plus!  Also my mornings are sooooo much better!  Rarely do I wake in a panic like I used to every single day!  I wake up refreshed 99% of the time! 

 

[[Te...]]

Ok ...Miss Jen.....these chemical anxiety attacks can last hours?

 

Oh...and thank you so much for describing it so well....

 

 

Hugs!

TM

[[Mi...]]

Texas, 

 

Yes it used to last hours on end now it comes and goes through out the day! Much more so when I am waving!  Ughhh....

 

Anyone here, that has had a barium swallow?  I am support to do this on Friday to check out my stomach problems?  I know I should not have googled side effects but Ofcourse I did?  Ughhhh....

Kinda nervous about ingesting the barium? Not nervous about the exam or going to the hospital! So that's awesome! As before I don't think I would have been able to walk in to the hospital without completely losing it!  But really kinda nervous about the barium and reacting to it?...

 

 

[[Te...]]

Jen I had a barium swallow done earlier ths year I did o.k. With it.....just drink lots of water after procedure.....it showed spasms.....suppose to have a scope done....I keep stalling....but you'll be ok with swallow .....the whoe thing went real fast....

 

Good luck....and thank you for info chemical anxiety...

 

Hugs!

TM

[[ci...]]

I am keeping up with all of you on this thread. Just wanted you all to know, you are always in my prayers. Isn't it nice we are not hearing from jenny21, coop, HH, FJ, GreeceIce, life4me..........I take that as a very good sign! Sometimes, it is bittersweet tho....kinda of weird......but I hope I never hear from them again. And soon the rest of us here will just disappear also.....that is my hope.

[[Mi...]]

Wow!  I haven't ever had to scroll down so far to find our group!  Hoping this means we are all healing! And doing well!

 

Healing Hugs to you all

 

[[Si...]]

I'm doing pretty crappy. My sleep problems still are the worst thing for me to deal with. Maybe barely slept 2 hours last night. No idea exactly how much, but not enough to feel ok. I'm so over the insomnia.

[[dr...]]

Hi all...in Fiji on my honeymoon.  .

 

Just wanted to update you all...I did very well on the ten day NZ part of the trip!  I had not one panic attack, very little to anxiety(even during ceremony), no headaches, neck stuff, DR etc....   I did have big problems w my eyes or something where they hurt anytime I tried to focus (while driving, having to pay attention to something, etc...) I also had a week of not being able to have conversations without my brain getting painful.  All in all I consider it a huge success and a bigger relief! 

I met fifty new relatives, stayed w my new mother in law for a week before the wedding (ugh), sent to three big parties including my wedding, flew in a four seat Cessna (not fun ) and was nonstop from morning to night.  It was beyond exhausting but the only time I came close to panic was during that damn flight on a small plane.

I know everything I feel is withdrawal and while I'm still bogged down w lots of weird physical stuff I'm very happy that I was able to actually enjoy my own wedding. 

 

I'm not on here much as I just slowly realized I don't need the daily support unless I'm in a wave.  I noticed I haven't looked at Baylissas book in over a month which was weird. I used to read highlighted passages every day.  I'd love to burn it when healed but it's on my kindle. 

 

Off to go zip lining after I finish my eggs Benedict which is arriving to my villa soon. 

[[Mi...]]

Congrats Drew!  I truly am so happy for you!  Thanks for the update and enjoy the rest of your honeymoon! 

 

[[Te...]]

So very happy for you Drew......Congrats!

 

TM

[[Si...]]

Congrats drew! Glad you've had a good trip and enjoy your time in Fiji.