18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... the arm is starting to loosen up slowly ... I can now scratch mostly everywhere ... 

 

Will take a few more days and things should be back to that elusive normal place ...

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

The wave that has grabbed many of you has swept me up also. I have had that physical anxiety come back, complete with the squeezes that feel like I'm imploding, tingling and heavy limbs, head pressure, hot flashes, boatiness, and tight sternum. It has caused my health anxiety to explode again. The worrying over every sensation, thinking 75% of the time what I'm feeling is immentently fatal.

 

I've been in a stressful and emotional period the past couple of weeks, which may have over stimulated my still-sensitive nervous system. Or it's just a miserable late wave, who knows. We are on our way home now from the volleyball state tournament. My daughters' team made it to the State Championship game last night and placed 2nd. I have been emotional over my older daughter playing in her last game, as she's a senior. I'm so proud of her and her accomplishments! But, I'm really struggling with all the "lasts" of this year.

 

I am trying to find my boot straps so I can pull myself up. I'm even falling into that old fear that this is "me" rather than a simple wave. Just feeling blue.

 

Love to you all.

HH

[[so...]]

HH,

 

I know what you are going through oh so well.  My "kids" are 39 and 36 now with families of their own, but it was like yesterday when it was just the four of us musketeers.  I'm divorced and living alone now and the empty nest is just that--empty.  Try to find comfort in the fact that if parents do their jobs right, the babies fly from the nest and create their own lives full of love and their own children.  It's the way life is supposed to go.  It doesn't make it any easier, I know.

 

I have read many stories on the internet and have known many women who have been put on benzos and SSRIs due to empty nest syndrome.  Most of the women in my neighborhood Im finding out are on ADs and started taking them when their kids left the nest.  You are normal and going through the sadness we all go through when this happens.  I don't doubt that you are in this wave due to the emotional upheaval.  You will get past this and you will soon realize that your daughters will always need you, even moreso as they start going through the trials of life unprotected by your constant vigil.  Your role in their lives is not diminishing.  It is merely changing, as it should.

 

You still have a lot to look forward to.  Weddings, son-in-laws, grandchildren, big family get togethers and lots of birthdays and holiday celebrations, even bigger than before with your growing clan.

 

I love you, HH, and I know where you are at right now.  Try to adjust the way you're thinking from despair over what you're losing to how much more you have to look forward to.

 

Love, Sofa

 

 

[[Co...]]

Nova....Glad to hear the arm is relaxing some....now cook yourself something to eat....It is looking so much like snow in my city....I made some chili in my crock pot ....and bought some tottilla chips.....and then.....my reflux returned...for no good reason. Guess I can send you some chili and freeze the rest while I go back to reflux eating ( or actually non-eating) for awhile.  Well, I had a great string of windows and I know things will be good again. Nova, you and I have been doing this for so long we can practically float on a wave ...still they are pesky and get in our way. Trying to zen it out today...

    Wishing you 2 good arms today.....coop

[[Co...]]

HH....man I am sorry to hear that....Seems like our tolerance for stress is compromised for awhile even after healing. It's such a traumatizing process.

    I hear you on the " my kids are grown up now"....I cried for weeks when my son went away to college...it was like I had gaping holes in my heart. My daughter got married this summer and I felt like I was at a funeral. I even cry when my grandsons move up a grade .....it's the curse ( blessing) of a tender loving heart. ....

.    I have had a string of windows and a consistent baseline of 85%......until.. ..today....I could have written your post myself...my reflux returned ( after weeks of being quiet) and every single health fear is screaming in my head....I just hate health fear....it's so hard to distract from...and as you say, it tricks us into feeling that we are seconds away from a fatal condition. Even at my best I still have to be really careful not read medical articles, mute the tv for drug commercials and ask my friends not to tell me of all the deaths in thier families It is truly my weakest link....

      HH. It's not you at all....it's the lingering trauma of w/d....and the benzo beast going for your newly healed vulnerable under belly. ...You are going to wash out of this wave....Repeat after me, " It's not me ...it's w/d.  it's not me...it's w/d." ....So sorry you are  going through this. We will get better at tolerating stress and strong emotions. I think it's part of re-entry....

    It's great to see you HH....wish you were not getting hit. 

          Thinking of you....Wishing you a fast return to a 100% baseline......coop

[[so...]]

Hi Buddies,

 

Today is my one year anniversary.  I'm really having to dig deeply due to anxiety and racing heart palps.  I will do my best.  Never thought I'd be here after a year, but I will press on.

 

Coop, sorry you are being hit today, but still so happy for your 85% baseline.

 

Love Sofa

[[Co...]]

Sofa....well said...I live alone too and have to remind myself that my dog is not my last child.

  I used to live right behind a grazing field where cows roamed around all year except in the really cold weather. In the spring the babies were born and roamed with thier mothers, then in late summer, for some reason the farmer would come and gather up all the babies and take them away. The poor mother cows cried and mooed for thier babies night and day for weeks .. it was heart breaking. The year my daughter graduated from high school and was making preperations for college I wanted to just go out there and join the cows in thier sad crying for thier babies.

  My son is 36 ( how the heck did that happen ) and my daughter is 22.  In my mind they are babies and toddlers and kindergarteners...

    It's hard to find direction and purpose as we retire and benzo w/d doesn't help at all.....but we still have so much to offer our families and the world. 

    You are going to get better Sofa..  you are just in the thick of it right now.  It just doesn't feel like it....and it takes time..  alot of time..  Wishing you some sunbreaks.  coop

[[Co...]]

Sofa.....congratulations on year 1....!!.....If you can get this far you can go all the way...imo ....there is nothing.....nothing more difficult than this. ...You should be so so proud of yourself......For me, living alone meant that I had to nurture and care about myself to the nth degree.  I let go of all guilt about missing family events and celebrations. It still made me sad to miss those things and when I felt good I went, and when I felt good I tried to do in the moment get togethers and short little outings with my grandsons..  This year....at 24 months I am able to show up at many more celebrations and enjoy them

    You will get through this Sofa.......coop

[[so...]]

Coop,

 

Thank you so much, dear friend.  I am crying like a baby over your words.  I just need to know I will be okay.  I just need to know I will heal, Coop, you know?  The loneliness is crushing.  I am trying so so hard to be positive and hang on.  Please teach me how to do that.

[[He...]]

Thanks Sofa and Coop! 💗 Ladies, we are strong beyond words....even when it doesn't feel like it. I've felt very small, sad, and frail the past 4-5 days, but I know that I'm not. Funny how a wave can reduce us.

Sofa, congratulations on making it to a year! That is a big accomplishment!! Just keep moving forward.

Love to you!

HH

[[so...]]

Thank you, HH.  I'm not strong.  I have no other choice.  Just holding on that there may be better days in front of me.

[[He...]]

Thank you, HH.  I'm not strong.  I have no other choice.  Just holding on that there may be better days in front of me.

 

Yes, you are.  Holding on to better days undoubtedly qualifies one as STRONG.    Better days are coming....I was a disaster at a year off.  Big hugs to you!

[[Te...]]

Hand me a tissue....was reading post about kids growing up leaving the nest....turning old....oh you guys made me cry....but life will be good....as soon as these crappy symptoms leave...

We women go through a lot....life has its ups and downs...

Hey my right leg is bugging me...painful...not for sure if it's my hip ...effecting thigh pain...or another symptom....I do suffer from joint pain and stiffness...but his thigh thing is aweful....but baths do make it feel better for awhile but heck I've already had three baths today......grrrrr

Nova.....shoulder a little better?

TM

[[Te...]]

Yes...it's me again....can I ask.....does anyone else ...worry when symptoms are so painful new or old.....that maybe.....it's not withdrawl...but some dreadful disease.....heck....Im probably worse in worrying due to having breast cancer twice....but all these long lasting symptoms make me worry....and this new thigh pain....is bad...so now my mind is in overdrive...on what if thoughts..

Wish I would start feeling better......grrrrr

TM

[[Co...]]

Texas..  yes ....up until now....every single hour of every day. Catastrophic health fear and worry was ( is) my most relentless sx. Any physical sx threw me into a panic. It a characteristic of w/d, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. It seems to be really prevalent with Ativan/Lorazapam w/d. In my mind I have had 20 heart attacks, 50 strokes , brain cancer... most recently after reading an article about Robin Williams I was very convinced I had Lewy Body Dementia. This summer I got hit with reflux and had 4 trips to the physician's office, urgent care and the lab. I was frantic. I had myself diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I am thinking about getting some after w/d therapy for health fear that I think is going to hold on after healing..  but I don't want to be brow beat over refusing anxiety meds. In the past few months my health fear got better, but today I got a bout of reflux after being free of it for about 6 weeks.  So doing a lot of breathing and self calming talk and distraction

  Texas, about 4 weeks ago I also got hit with excruciating hip joint pain and calf pain that I have never had. It all hurt so much it made me cry....and I am used to joint pain. It is now getting much better on its own. It wass time for my annual RA evaluation so they looked at it very closely on x-ray and DEXA. I  was convinced I had bone cancer because it hurt so much..  all was fine.  ...I was also taking 2/3 hot Epsome salts baths a day.  It's better, but it took at least 4 weeks....

      So....lol.  yes.  Health fear drives me nuts.  Because every wierd physical sx affirms your fears ....the fears feed on themselves and there you go. ..a perfect trifecta of anxiety that takes constant distraction to quiet.  But it goes away .  Mine didn't completely go away like HH's ( and she still gets mini waves of it if she is in a random wave), but I get many more breaks from it in which I can be completely rational about my health. ..there is no shame in going to the pdoc to have things looked at....even if it's just for reassurance. A little reassurance goes a long way in w/d

    Tex.  So sorry you are going through this.. There are alot of us noting severe pain sx now in late healing.

      Thinking of you.  ....coop

[[so...]]

Sweet TM,

 

Sooooo many people withdrawing from these drugs have the pain you describe.  I really don't think you have a serious disease or condition.  IMO this is withdrawal and you're getting hit the hardest in the pain receptor area of your brain.  I do not experience pain like you.  Instead, the most vulnerable area of my brain must be the section that controls anxiety, fight/flight response, cortisol, heart palps and heart rate.  It's just my theory, of course, but I find it interesting that, after a six level spinal fusion, I don't experience pain.  Of course, now that I've made the declaration, I'll probably start getting pain now.  Ha!

 

I think the reason we all experience withdrawal differently has to do with our genetic makeup, the drug we took and where our individual weaknesses lie, even pre-drugs.  Does that make sense?

 

Regardless of whether it's pain or gut issues or headaches or cortisol, heart racing and anxiety, we will heal eventually and the symptoms will start decreasing in intensity until they are gone completely.  Our nerves are overly sensitive, which causes pain in some people and heart racing and anxiety in others.  When the nerves finally plump up and desensitize and the nerves and neurotransmitters start throwing the brain chemicals at each other in harmony, our journey will probably be over.

 

Just my theory.  It could be I'm way off base.  From everything I've read daily for two years, that's my take on this mess.

 

You'll be fine one day soon.  Love, Sofa

[[so...]]

Coop said it all better than I did.  We are all afraid we have something permanent that will never go away--because we suffer all day every day and it's hard to see the opening at the end of the dark cave.  We are not sick with a permanent disease.  What we have is a temporary condition.

 

Coop, I read a thread in Off Topic about Robin Williams and thought I had Lewy Body Dementia too! Oh my goodness.  What we inflict on ourselves is far worse than our withdrawal!

[[Te...]]

Thank you Coop and Sofa......I've been at this for such a long time with real no break from symptoms...then when a new one starts...some times I don't handle it well....I wish I could get the me back...the one with inner peace...and oh....I wish I could relax...hopefully soon!

 

It's really nice to know that there is a reason to my crazy health fear thinking....if these symptoms would just give some I'd be in such a better place!

 

Hugs! TM

[[so...]]

TM,

 

I understand how you feel.  I've never had a window the entire year since my CT jump.  I suffer the same excruciating way every single Groundhog Day.  If we could just throw open a window or two and catch a deep breath of fresh air, we could stop choking on these symptoms.  I guess that's not our journey--yet.  Maybe we will spontaneously heal one day.  I won't hold my breath for that one though.  I already suffer from air hunger.

 

Love, Sofa

[[Te...]]

Sorry.....Sofa......you seem so sweet and kind.....I wish you ....... for a neighbor.....

 

But we can still have tea together.....O.K.

 

Everyone......sweet dreams.....

 

TM

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... just slept for nine hours ... needed that ... arm/shoulder is on the mend ... need to go slow with this stuff ... have to treat it carefully for a few days so I do not set it off again ...

 

Have graduated to the 1 1/2 armed bandit ... 

[[No...]]

Sofa ... congrats on one year off ... YOU ARE STRONG ... you are rock solid ... grounded ...

 

And you are being tossed pillar to post during this process ... and you hold it together ... most of the time I have no appreciation of the resiliency and stamina I have ... how could I working with a re-fried brain ...

 

So much of this is just getting through these days as best we can ... for many of us this is not a walk in the park ... this is a messy, stormy, confusing, mind-boggling, process ... and sometimes we just hang on for dear life ...

 

[[No...]]

HH ... up and down we go ... round and round ... 

[[Aq...]]

21 months today.  Still having a very tough time with this wave.  It is the worst one since about 9 months or so.  Very dizzy with DR, which just causes insane panic.  I have extreme lethargy towards the end of the day.  Driving home from work has been terrible due to this.  Just when driving as getting better   Anyways, I am finally having some real world fallout from all of this.  My wife, while supporting me through this for years is really running thin now.  There is only so much sitting and waiting for this to get better.  I need to do this for her and my kids!

 

Hoping to turn a corner soon and at least go back to how I was a month ago.

[[...]]

Well done Sofa on your 1 year mark, that is an amazing achievement and probably the hardest thing you will ever do. We have to gain such strength from this even though whilst going through it we feel so terribly fragile and weak, however we are not we are strong and only greatness can come surviving such a harrowing experience.

 

HH and Coop sorry you are being reminded of the torture you have already endured but if you can feel better you will do so again.

 

Nova glad your shoulder is easing up, I sympathise with you so much as I get this all the time and it seems to be unrelenting.

 

My weekend has been hideous with pain that has driven me to tears and so down that I doubted my ability to get through this and thought insanity was beckoning. I prayed and begged for mercy last night also fearing the loss of my children becoming adults and all the time I’ve been on a knife edge not able to be the mother I have always been. It’s strange how we think alike as on Saturday I woke with such body pain that I too thought I must have bone cancer and then TM mentions it. Hugs to you TM  My cognative ability has been so bad as my son wanted me to put some stuff on ebay and I seriously could not think straight to do it.

 

 

Never thought I would make it to work today but I did, although very fragile

 

Nova your words are comforting not only to the person they are directed to but to me too