18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[Te...]]

Morning.  ....Nova......and Marj......so sorry .....to hear another rough day.....grrrrr

 

Yesterday full of anxiety....last night the dark depression settled in for a visit....just hard to see the light at the end of tunnel feeling.....many monts with no relief....pain is bringing me down...trying to stay positive but it's hard ....last night my hubby said something about chronic pain...never looked at that but I guess I should...just heart breaking

 

Good note ...ordered cute cozy boots from QVC....super early this morning....before they ran out of my size....yeah....hope they fit..

 

Nova....try warm compress on shoulders.....have some tea....idk how gets hallmark Chanel on tv but the christmas movies are on....I find it very relaxing.....

 

Hugs! TM

[[No...]]

Hi ... tried to sleep ... arm and shoulder still too painful ... got bit of a result from moist heat but not enough ... turned to the ibuprofen ... one every two hours ... starting to get knocked down after the first three ... cannot use arm ... no range of motion without pain ...

 

Ever try to stuff a chicken one handed? ... 

 

Marj and TM ... sorry you are still in the soup as well ... someday soon ... 

[[dr...]]

sorry for the suffering...yuck all the way around.  I have the eye stuff where it hurts to keep them open and some pressure in sinus area.  Luckily, that chemical anxiety is gone for now so that is my positive for the day.  went for a two mile walk to get outside since using my eyes for anything else hurts.  hang in there all.

[[so...]]

It's very quiet on the thread today.  I'm hoping you are all well.

 

Nova, Drew, Marj, TM, Siggy, Coop and everyone I forgot,

 

I know times are tough right now for many of us.  I guess all we can do is hold onto each other and pray for a better tomorrow.  My acute wave of this week lifted enough for me to catch my breath for a few hours.  Now back in the soup.

 

Love to you all, Sofa

[[Te...]]

Good Morning......everyone......another day of healing.....

 

I had right thigh pain....burning...must be hip issues....wanted someone to pull leg....anyway...thought foot reflexology would help relax leg....and me......we'll..

Went to bed last night with leg pain....so I paced for a hour then tried to sleep ....then my stomach started churning and burning.....thought I was going to get sick to my tummy......finally fell asleep woke up four hours later to burning joints....just don't understand this....I have so many symptoms 24/7....then all of this makes my mind just race with thoughts...

 

Daughter has basketball tournament today and my hubby is away for business...

 

I can do this!

 

Hope you all have a fun day......

So Nova.....what's for lunch? If its not spicy I'm coming over!

Hugs! TM

[[No...]]

TM ... one handed lunch today ... arm still out of whack ... got a little sleep ... just trying to rest arm and see if the inflammation passes ...

 

She who must be obeyed is out and about today so it is left over squash soup and toast ... let me know if you need the buzzer code ...

[[...]]

In a bad way;exhausted, pain, no desire to do anything. Really down and feel trapped in a sick traumatized me. Can this get any worse?  Sorry to be a downer, I'm doing my best and so want to get better. 

 

The neck thing is so uncomfortable, I think this is where my head ache is coming from. Just ironed with a wheat bag round neck. Got to brave the food shop soon. I know we are in the same boat and wish i had a magic wand 

[[No...]]

Hi Marj ... we are suffering ... and I don't have a magic wand either ...

 

Tried to sleep some more but the shoulder and arm pain came back again ... don't have any helpful suggestions ... 

[[Te...]]

So Nova how was the soup?      It sounds yummy....

 

So sounds like there is a few that is suffering....I feel like crap.....almost wonder if I should go to ER at times....but then....what woud I say...my leg is killing me....foot feels hot....oh throat tight I feel as I could throw up.....my teeth feel like giant teeth....mouth burning....and have abjuring g pressure coming up from stomach or throat.....then at times can not catch my breath...I sound crazed...if I have some kind of bad disease...then let the party end....this is really wearing me down....wonder how much longer......

 

Hope you all feel better....this is so abnormal....the way I feel....how does one not OCD when feeling like this.....hey but made it through basketball.....I'm going to try a nice hot bath maybe that will help..

 

Hugs! TM

[[No...]]

TM ... I was going in one of my mental circles this afternoon ... busily treading water ... adding a little lather to my confusion ...

 

And I hit the same wall as you ... what would I tell them ... what haven't I told them that would make the least bit of difference ...

 

For me, I am on my own in this process ... getting support and reassurance where I can find it ... and gong about my stuff and getting through the day as best I can ...

[[dr...]]

So weird you two...I was getting hit very about an hour ago and I thought the same thing.  I go to dr and say blah, blah, blah..you can't even describe it...well...my head feels weird and I feel like something wrong is going to kill me???  ..nothing they can do but offer a benzo.  We all have been checked out. 

 

I'm doing nothing but lying on my couch trying to minimize discomfort.  I think it's official...five days of crazy ass stuff equals a wave.

[[dr...]]

I saw this in a post and thought it interesting to describe what we go through.....

 

I like to quote Matt Samet on this since he's given the best description of the symptoms:

 

Over the years, I’ve had people going through psychiatric-medicine tapers, washout, or withdrawal ask me these and similar questions. Some of these are certainly questions I’ve had for myself as I’ve fought my way back to normal life — back to that delicious calm and ease of living we in good health take for granted. After losing my way for many years due to psychiatric drugging and chemical addictions, I’ve come to believe that the big issue with med withdrawal is that it causes a light-years-beyond-“discomfort”, horror-movie overexcitation that won’t, not for one instant, let you forget your existence. Your second-to-second reality comprises a seemingly unending hell with no pause button, only the occasional relief of sleep. You are in so much pain on every possible level that you simply cannot escape yourself, and so the pain looms larger like for it.

 

In the withdrawal/healing state, the symptoms are often so strong, and the fear, racing, obsessive, and tortured thoughts, and inner torment so great, that you are unable to enter that frictionless state — aka plain old life — in which you are simply acting, moving freely about the world as need and desire dictate without the ball-and-chain of dread-infused self-awareness dragging you into the abyss.

 

Without being so persistently aware of your existence that you also can’t stop from ruminating about its antithesis, death.

 

Distraction helps a little, but only for so long. I often felt like my very shadow was chasing me, leaving nowhere to run. As soon as I paused, even for a microsecond, the withdrawal storm was back on me like pack of snarling dogs. Worse yet, insomnia and fatigue had sapped my energy stores, yet if I tried to “rest” because I simply could not take another step, the symptoms crowded in to fill the stillness. I felt like a shark that must always keep swimming, or it will drown. The experience was in every sense an existential trap.

 

You look at other people not tormented as you are and wonder how they live so casually, so fluently. What secret do they know that I don’t? Their world seems alien, a realm of the gods and superheroes, a paradise unobtainable. Just to go grocery shopping or throw a Frisbee in the park or smile at a child would take more energy and courage than you could ever imagine conjuring. Occasionally, you hit one of those rare windows of calm, and you can, in the contrast, see how withdrawal has warped your picture of the world. Then, discouragingly, the symptoms return to push you back into a terrified and frenzied thought-storm.

 

Oh shit, not this again.

 

Yet life goes on and you must keep moving as best you can, so you learn to operate by a new physics. It often takes force of will and sometimes literally physically maneuvering yourself in some unnatural way to accomplish even the simplest task. You dwell in inertia. In florid benzo/SSRI/mood stabilizer withdrawal, my thoughts oozed like molasses, thick, clotted, unnatural, foreign, frightening. I often couldn’t breathe properly due to what felt like a bloated belly and iron straitjacket sheathing my torso; an electrical current surged through my gut and spine, and my muscles were on fire from the crown of my head to the tips of my fingers and toes. I could neither cry nor laugh, so bound up was I with hyperventilating rigidity, so frozen were the muscles of my face.

 

Amidst this near-paralysis, when I needed to access a thought — say, “I need to take out the garbage” — and convert it into action, a sluggish disconnect stalled the message’s transfer between brain and body. I would have to actively conjure instructions for myself, as if using the manual to put together an Ikea dresser: “OK, I’m going to reach down to this little pail, bring into the kitchen, turn it upside-down over the big trash can, and then take the liner out of the bin and carry it out to the alley.” Step-by-step, I would accomplish each task, slowly, unsurely, my body stiff and sweaty. Instead of enchaining these actions as one continuous flow, I moved like a robot, staccato, pondering every movement then taking seconds to actualize what once used to occur unconsciously in a fraction of that time.

 

Completely conscious, at every turn, of my existence. But never in a reassuring, mindful way, as with the grounding of your body to the earth through your feet while meditating, or stopping to savor the sweetness of an apple. More like, the awareness of each in-breath a man has while being waterboarded.

 

There is no peace. That is the heart of the matter: there will be no peace until you pass a certain threshold with your healing.

[[No...]]

Thanks for the post Drew ... a right on description ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Drew ... yep, just trying to minimize the discomfort ... seems that is what I am doing these last few days ...

[[Te...]]

Thanks Drew....with sharing that quote from Matt....

 

Heck....I'm playing with the thought do I have joint and muscle pain really bad from withdrawal....or since I've had breast cancer is it bone cancer...wtf....can not erase ths thought from my mind..

The bath did zero from my thigh pain pretty sure it's from hip ....like age and benzo issues...and it comes and goes....but it bad....about ready to try alieve or something....can't take it....and if I walk or pace it's better....but idle it throbs....now my wrist...and elbow pains have started up to....can't take this....gosh how to relax....

 

How about a good joke....anyone got one?

 

Sorry I'm venting and babbling....try to pass time....

Wishing you all happy thoughts!.....I need some!

TM

[[No...]]

TM ... "Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming." ...

 

Pretty lame, but so am I ...

[[Se...]]

Thanks for that Matt piece, Drew.  Oh my.  Bang on.

 

I see folks are still suffering pretty hard.  My empathy to all.

 

Today, I forced myself out of bed or, rather, I've grown so depressed over being in bed, I made myself venture out into the world with daughter, sister and mother, to go to a craft show, followed by lunch, and a couple other errands I had to do for myself so that I wouldn't have to head out again tomorrow.  It was horrific.  All the feelings & sensations Matt describes above.  It was visiting an alien planet where everyone else seems to possess the key to life and living, but I'm some hybrid from another planet, newly landed, without the instruction manual.

 

At the farmer's market, there was too much stimuli.  My muffled hearing, punctured with the occasional burst of too-loud squeak or high-pitched noise, was alarming amidst the tinnitus.  Too many busy bodies everywhere.  I felt fear and disconnection from everything and was near panic, so we had to leave.  The restaurant was no better; we waited to get seated and then I had to leave because the heavily made up woman who came to sit beside us wore such a sickly stench for perfume that my head began to swim and I had to flee.

 

But at least I went out.  I was desperate to do SOMETHING other than loaf around in bed all day moaning and crying.

 

This is just so unbelieveably difficult.  It's truly the stuff of nightmares.  Funny... I do have nightmares quite often now, and I tend to remember them quite well upon awakening.  They are usually less scary than the waking up to the "real" world afterwards, and I believe that's saying something.

[[Te...]]

Nova.....love it.......I laughed....so sending you a healing hug I'll be gentle so I dont hurt your shoulder

 

What's for dinner? I'm cheating and having pizza from whole foods....shhhhh....it's wheat....

It's ok ....I'm feeding my kids....so what are you having.....I'm sure it's something better...

 

The sun is starting to slowly go down....my mind most days goes into a more relaxed state...weird...I need it today was not one I want to repeat.....but there is always a better tomorrow!

 

TM

[[No...]]

Serenity ... plain old overload ... too loud, too bright, too smelly - too much ...

 

Too strange out there ... and too crazy in here ... no place to hide ... no place to go for some respite ...

 

And this sometimes prison of healing is not forever ... or so they keep telling me ...

[[No...]]

TM ... seems one needs two hands to cook ... so have visited the freezer ... thawed out more soup ... split pea this time ... and toast again ...

 

"NSA: a government agency that actually listens to you." ...

[[Ko...]]

Drew thanks for the description from Matt. Now I can use some if his words to explain to loved ones what I am going through. I'm still in torture everyday all day. Today, all I could do is cry or try to sleep. I wish I could go out, but I'm in to much pain up to attemp that. We are all suffering so much.

New symptom is a heel pain. Didn't do anything to cause this, so I'm sure it's caused from withdrawal.

Now I limp when I walk and walking is hard enough as it is.

 

I'm so sorry you all are suffering so. I hope this wicked wave leaves us all real soon because I feel like I'm drowning.

 

[[so...]]

Ugh.  Insomnia with ruminating sauce.  My favorite Italian dish.

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... still the one arm bandit ... and feeling like I might survive to bandit another day ... sort of feels like a fever may have broken ...

[[No...]]

Sofa ... if you simmer than sauce a while longer it will likely evaporate ... 

[[Co...]]

Good morning Nova....aka The One Armed Man....I hope the painful frozen shoulder/arm starts easing up. In month 22 got hit with excruciating night leg pain and have had the tight painful neck tendons and neck/shoulder muscles ....seems to be a special gift reserved for late healing.

    Sounds like it might be beginning to let up with the easing of the fever.  ....it has to, you need to eat something more than soup.....carry on Nova, wishing you some relief and another bump up in healing... sending chocolate chip cookies......coop