18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[No...]]

Coop ... good afternoon from the drippy Maritimes ... yes, time is the only reliable healer ... and as much kindness and compassion as we can muster towards ourselves and others each day ...

 

I am just floating along today ... not miserable, not good ... that in between place that is often discouraging and disheartening ... 

[[Co...]]

Nova..  I call that better, but not better enough.  I do believe that thumbnail measurement originated from you. ....I find this limbo days hard to take after some days of glorious normal....but at least it's floating and not drowning..  I am so glad for you that the worst of the uri and antibiotics is passing. .....I love your trips to the market.  You go to the market and bring home bags of yummy food. I take my dog out for walks and carry bags of poop to the poop stations..  I am sure there is a metaphor in there somewhere, I just don't want to go deep into the meaning of dog poop.

      Things remain good here.  Not perfectly normal.. body aches are trying to keep me sidelined, am able to do everything I want to with putting some effort into 'going with' moderate sx.  I call that " better with a chance of sx"  So many versions of " better".  Like the versions of kale...some are barely palatable....put it in a smoothie ....very doable...just depends on how it gets served up

    Nova... have the best ' better, but not better enough' day possible....and thank you again for being here to help us keep going.......coop

[[Mi...]]

Hello Everyone!  Just wanted to give a update!  Today I am 21 months off Ativan. And doing ok, actually!  Not back to normal by any means but I can actually say for the very first time I am ok!  I had a extremely bad like acute phase that hit me this month! I haven't went that far back in the entire year, and I survived it and have been stronger ever since!  Idk how to exactly explain it, but I will try!  You know how when we were kids and the cartoon characters would have two imaginary people one on each shoulder, like your good fairy/ mind thoughts and your bad fairy/ mind thoughts! Well I feel as if I had only had the one real bad evil benzo one for the first 20 months!  It's still there but now sits on only one shoulder and my good fairy has returned to my other one! Lol,!  Idk if that makes since? It's nice to be able to connect with that sense of good and calm!  The benzo one still likes to speak out and even scream sometimes but then instead of going into a panic I can speak out against it and not get sucked down into the health fears, panic attacks, and depression! 

 

And this feels different than a window/wave! It feels as if some kind of permanent step forward! Maybe a baseline change? Idk yet as it's only been 12 days and other than a Saturday morning partial episode with some air hunger 8 days ago things have well just been ok! 

 

I have been taking baby steps into this unfamiliar territory!  I drove a few times around town pretty well! With minimal anxiety! I have went to the market and store solo! Lol, without my safe person!  I have enjoyed my alone time all week!  And WOW that was huge!  As I used to pace the floor waiting for my hubby to get home from work scared to death and sure of the fact I wouldn't be alive by the time he got home! 

 

I wouldn't say I am upbeat and happy yet, but I am not depressed! That cloud lifted!  I am finding my self excited to go to my sons hockey game this afternoon instead of dreading going out!  I am sticking to my guns with the no plans plan still but boy I am actually kind of excited to start making them slowly in the future! I always wanted to travel that's been my bucket list ever since I was young! And I certainly am not planning a exact time but have been keeping busy with searching the net on different states and what to do/see there and organizing my future some day trips! And before just thinking about it would have made me come unraveled into a million pieces!

 

My sleep has been ridiculously better! I used to toss and turn for hours with the most dreaded thoughts keeping me from falling asleep! I am getting a solid 8 plus hours!

 

I couldn't watch much TV and really don't miss it but have found myself turning it on once and awhile and enjoying my Big Bang episodes again and actually laughing out loud!

 

I don't feel as if the world somehow looks different anymore! Instead I get a few minutes here or there during the day but mostly everything looks the same!

 

I still have some aches and pains here and there but nothing to extreme this past 12 days!  And no spiraling down the health fear trap when things pop up! 

 

My belly still needs work!  It's definitely my worse physical sx still! Along with this flushing that starts in my face and travels down to my neck! It's this strange sensation and my skin on my cheeks are hot to the touch and feel as if they are on fire, and I turn 50 shades of red in no time!

 

My heart palps come on for a minute or two and go instead of being constant with a minute or two of relief!

 

I no longer feel stoned 24/7 but get it for a hour hear or there through out the day! But the constant vertigo and stoned out of your mind feeling has disappeared!

 

I haven't had one bad headache for 12 days straight!  Just minor again lasting for a short time!

 

My husband says it's so nice to have his wife back! My kiddos haven't smiled the way they do now for a long time around me! My therapist also said she feels as if the past two sessions were the first time she's actually met me! That I have been very present! 

 

I started supplements and my body seems to be reacting to them pretty well! I have to cut my magnesium in half though still trying to get that one right! It has calmed me to much and I want to be careful for that! But the calming effect is definitely needed!

 

My biggest improvements so far!  I never had any big problems with depression/anxiety/ panic before this! AND never thought I would get to a ok place!  I was extremely agoraphobic ect!,, and was sure the anxiety and panic would eventually swallow me whole!  I still am struggling with this but on a different level! I no way want to take a trip right now but also have no problem with the thought of going to a activity in town or my sons hockey game! Where before I would close my eyes and just cry when I would have to leave my house!  The anxiety is still very much so present but seems to be on a much lower level! 

 

I have a long road to still walk but I can feel the sun on my face and the road seems to be paved instead of walking through some kind of marsh in the dark!  I have found a little piece of hope at month 21!  I will be holding on to my flashlight although just In case the sun fades here and there!

 

Much love to you all!  I hope you are all finding some sunshine today! 

[[so...]]

Thank you everyone for your advice.  I realized I had read a thread in the post withdrawal forum that was basically a banter between two people saying they would never heal.  Funny, I didn't even realize I'd read the thread, or its effect on me, till I was finished.  Love how this WD sometimes leads me around by the nose!

 

I know we are all healing and many have healed.  Many of my symptoms have decreased in intensity and some have even disappeared.  Yay!

 

Cleaning up the fur balls is what we have left to do.  That's all.  I love Kerrigold organic grass fed butter.  That's what I'm grateful for today.

[[so...]]

Jen,

 

I am so happy for you.  Your mood and your well-being are shining through!  Good for you!  So many improvements!  It is so encouraging!

[[Mi...]]

Sofa, I saw your time line are you just 1 year off benzos right now?

[[Mi...]]

If I read that right you are doing wonderful for 12 months keep going! 

[[No...]]

Jen ... thanks for your "good news" post ... brings a big smile this way today ... 

 

I am having a fractured nerves moment ... went to make pancakes for supper ... tossed the bacon container up in the air and it landed upside down on my foot ... reached for the egg and it went flying, caught it in my left hand and squeezed ...

 

Oh well ... eventually the pancakes happened ... just a few small detours ... 

[[Co...]]

Sofa, at 12 months off I felt that I was just leaving acute. I didn't hit acute until until month 3/4..  I was in acute hell from months 4- 8 and then cycled in and out of acute like waves. At a year some things were beginning to let up from time to time. .... It is nothing less than heroic to make it through the first year. If you can get through the first 12 months you can go all the way. For me, the first year was all about the crushing mental sx. The second year has been more about the physical. ....The deep depression place is horrible....but it will lift with time..  Distraction was a huge help to me in depression. I had such bleak intrusive thoughts. Not thinking was my salvation so I watched endless 30 minute sit coms as I couldn't concentrate on anything more than that. 

    I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time to right now.  I know it doesn't seem possible right now, but this is not forever.  Wishing you some sunbreaks of relief. ......coop

[[Co...]]

Jen.. thanks for such an encouraging hopeful post. I turned a corner at 21/22 months too....after a 3 month revisit to acute in months 18- 20.....You sound great. You have helped alot of those suffering by taking the time to post your experience...

    So glad that you are emerging from this impossible trek....you are right , imo, to go easy, but get out there with the things that are calling to you.

      Congratulations to you on keeping on keeping on for 21 months.....and thank you for supporting those of us who are sloshing around in the waves.. 

      coop

[[so...]]

You are all so encouraging and gracious.  Yes, Jen, it will be 1 year off for me November 8th.  I've stayed with these wonderful buddies after reading all their threads because they are a safe haven of positivity and support, even though I'm not in their timeline.  Thank you for telling me I'm doing okay for the point in time I'm in.

 

One day at a time.  I have this weird internal vibration thing going, like I'm on a vibrating bed.  I've read about it and Texas mama has it.  Mine comes and goes in about 20 seconds.  So odd.  Maybe if I got a vibrating bed I wouldn't notice it.

 

Nova, the way you're throwing around things in the kitchen, it sounds like a delicious hash is in the making.  Bread pudding might be in order too.  Wish I had you as my personal chef.  I definitely could not afford you or Drew, but I can dream.

 

Love, Sofa

[[so...]]

Coop, thank you so much for reassuring me that 12 months can be full of challenges.  I needed to hear that.  I am very grateful for your words that make me feel "normal."  At least normal for WD.

 

I've always felt a bit "different" on the forum because my main culprit was 3 years on Gabapentin and not many people talk about CT Gabapentin.  My Ativan use was 3 months intermittently.  Never had any adverse reaction to it, so I've always wondered which drug did this to me.  I had 24/7 nausea the last year on Gabapentin, 7 months before I ever took an Ativan, so always assumed that the Gabapentin was to blame.  The internet says the withdrawal from it mimics benzos.

 

I guess it doesn't matter.  Here I am.  I will heal too, just like everyone else. 

 

Bless you all for the TLC.

 

Love Sofa

[[ci...]]

Nova and texasmama, thank you so much for your kind words and support, I really appreciate it.

 

Always, cindy

[[li...]]

To a family I will remember forever for which I owe so much. I just wanted to drop by and say hello to all of you. Life has been challenging with stressful events lately but I am stronger now than ever before and all the benzo stuff is gone for good!  May God bless each and every one of you and may you all heal quickly!!!!! You will heal. I know this 1000%!!!!

 

Love,

 

Life

[[so...]]

Wonderful post, Life.  So encouraging.  Thank you for coming back and sharing your success.

[[Se...]]

Wow, life.  Thank you for coming back to post that.  You were on benzos for a long time.  Glad to hear you're living life fully again.

 

Serenity 

[[Si...]]

Took me a long time to fall asleep last night. I really hate that and get frustrated. Woke up at 4:30am again, but I was able to fall back asleep for a little while. Either way, it's better than not getting any sleep at all. I just hope all of these problems start going away soon.

[[dr...]]

Sig-setting the clocks back has made my sleep worse. 

 

I've been getting very good days and blah days which aren't as bad as they were.  It's almost like 36 hours of good then bad.  Last night I got sore neck, peeing like a race horse, and head pain. T

That's my migraine thingy stuff which last came three weeks ago.  No bad head pain but higher anxiety and panic flares.  Worked until 2 and laying low now and taking it in stride.

 

Hello all

 

[[Ko...]]

Hi Buddies,

 

I wanted to report that I'm starting my 24th month today.  I hope this is the month that healing really takes off.  Month 23 was full of more painful physical symptoms.  Mentally I'm ok. I try to stay positive so depression doesn't rear its ugly head.  My worst symptom is burning legs that hurt so bad I can't sleep.  That symptom actually disappeared for 7 days and I was finally able to sleep. Unfortunately, it returned. Also, I have a lot of pressure and pain around by abdomen. Feels like I'm carrying a bag of cement and someone has me in a bear hug. Boatiness is still a problem with severity changing daily.  Most of the time I can still drive and go to the grocery store. Still don't feel well enough to go to a movie or a restaurant. I think I could do it but it would be painful, so for me it's not worth it.

 

I try to check in and read everyone posts. Some of you are suffering a lot and some seem to be getting a little better. I know for me, I have to keep saying that everyone heals including me. I try to distract when I can. It's gets pretty boring some days and I'm glad I have my little dog to take care of.

She gets me out of bed and gives me a reason to be.  I'm thankful for my best friend who calls or visits often and my mother who calls me daily. I'm thankful for you my Benzo buddies for listening and giving me hope.

 

I wish you all easier days and complete healing soon.

[[dr...]]

Hi korbe! 

 

Oh...I forgot to add I've been reading a few posts where healed people are getting thrown back into the fray by taking various meds years out. Scared the shit out of me. At this point I think less is more on this whole site.

[[mr...]]

Hi korbe! 

 

Oh...I forgot to add I've been reading a few posts where healed people are getting thrown back into the fray by taking various meds years out. Scared the shit out of me. At this point I think less is more on this whole site.

 

Hiya Drew,

 

I know how it feels to be concerned about this. I've adopted a different mentality towards this, and it has helped me a bit. I've found it more practical and helpful to me to view "setbacks" or "late waves" as a natural part and course of a benzo recovery person's journey. They mean nothing more than that we are a bit sensitive to things - that's all. The best part is, for the most part, we have many who have gone before us that have provided a good guide map to help us navigate the post-withdrawal aspect of recovery. For instance, in my studies and observations of many buddies over the past three years being a part of this forum, I have discovered some of what appear to be "common" "triggers" for withdrawal. I'm sure you can all name them before I even mention them here!: other benzodiazepines, "z-drugs", fluroquinolones, alcohol, steroids, caffeine, marijuana, other "recreational" drugs (coke, heroine, etc), poor diets, poor self-care, etc. So, I feel as though I have a good (enough) foundation to help me get started in 're-entry'. I also feel prepared for setback(s), and have prepped myself for "when they occur" (and not "if they occur") in my mentality. And there is some wonderful support here if I am unsure how to proceed with a decision

 

The decision to utilize other medications down the road will remain based on a case-by-case circumstance, I'm sure. If the need for the med outweighs the possible "risk" of experiencing a setback, then I would probably decide to use the med (excepting benzodiazepines and z-drugs). That's just me, of course But I'm making conscious decisions to stay out of "fear" of setbacks, if I can at all possible.

 

I ramble a bit tonight, I'm finding, lol. How are ya, buddy? How's the wedding planning coming?

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Hi Korbe....I was just thinking of you yesterday. I hit 24 months tomorrow too. I just posted a summary in my journal. I could have written your post myself. Very similar here. I also developed painful restless leg syndrome with burning in month 23....it was terrible, like you, mine is starting to get better. I also still have health fear and random anxiety. Most of my days are still right at 85%. ....I did go to a childrens play a few weekends ago with my grandsons and enjoyed it, but it's still unpredictable as to whether I could do that or not on a given day. Some days I push through the few sx that show up. ....other days I stay low and slow....just depends on where my energy and attitude is on that day. I had to laugh at your mention of your dog....me too, if it wasn't for my sweet dog deserving a walk in the morning I would still stay in bed on some days..

    You definitely sound like you have covered some ground since last month...You are healing Korbe. 

    Big congrats on getting through to month 24....whoever would have thought we would still be winding this up at 24 months out..  Wishing you huge windows and Effortless Mind days.....so goid to see your post....love to you Korbe

        coop

[[Ko...]]

Thanks Coop and I'm glad that your functioning some days.  We're going to beat this yet. Hope your 100% soon.

[[Co...]]

Just a little 24 month update....

    SO SO MUCH BETTER THAN LAST YEAR...

  I am still sitting on 85% ....and that is 100% better than last year. ...I started out with a list of sx as long as my arm....I now have 3...and not every day....and on days that they do show up I am so much more able to deal with them ...I still have random boatyness/dizziness , health fears ( but not as relentless ) and some chemical anxiety .....I will take it. Yes, I wish I was 100% completely healed ( whatever that is), but I am living my life more and more every day now. Yes, I still have low and slow days, even an occasional couch day, but in between I am living my life.

    I am beginning to look at late w/d as a chronic condition...much better than acute but with relapsing sx from time to time....The really big difference.....I know that I am going to heal...with out a doubt I know I am going to heal ...this time last year I was full of doubt and fear that I would never heal. 

    I am very happy with where I am at and so appreciative of the wonderful buddies here....I surely would not have made it to 24 months without the friendship and support here.

    I am looking forward to next year as being all about getting back out in the world even more and leaving w/d behind me and being fully engaged in my life........coop

[[Co...]]

Drew,....everything that Mrs. said...

 

MRS.... Happy to see you ....you sound so good. Yep, I think we are going to have triggers for awhile....but we are so much better at managing them

  Onward ....a few more steps...we are almost there

                coop