18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[Se...]]

Hi, Sky.  24 months benzo-free is awesome.  I know how you feel, about not realizing the healing you'd imagined by this point.  I feel the same.  The black depression is so very hard to live with.  I also have it in this current wave, and I have to keep asking my spouse if this is how I've always been, because that's what the symptom of depression does.  It tricks.  He assures me, "NO.  Definitely not".  Like you, my management techniques seem quite futile, so essentially I'm just putting in the time until it lifts.  I guess this process is exactly that.  Serving our respective sentences prior to release.

 

Take good care,

Serenity 

 

[[Te...]]

I just can't get away from benzo hell......my middle son who is going to college in Arkansas... Who had apt today with doctor thinks he has pink eye...anyway last night he was at his frat house...eyes where bugging him badly so a kid gave him Xanax ...which he stupidly took....then drove home to his apt at 12:30 ...guess he crossed yellow lines...cause his eyes are burning and red and itchy he was rubbing eyes so he accidently crossed yellow line....got pulled over....hadn't been drinking......but due to red eyes....they  tested him....but due to no alcohol ....they thought he was smoking weed...he wasn't...but he freaked out and told the policeman he took a Xanax ....due to eyes so bad...they arrested him for DWI....what the heck.....know I need to find him a lawyer....what's next..

 

TM

[[Se...]]

Tonight I just wanna round up all the "You will heal, too!" promises and blow them up.  I am sorry, but... believing I'll heal is just impossible.  :'(

[[so...]]

The wave is hideous!  My BP is low 115/66 but my heart rate is 109 BPM.  I'm scared.  Am I going to have a heart attack?

[[He...]]

The wave is hideous!  My BP is low 115/66 but my heart rate is 109 BPM.  I'm scared.  Am I going to have a heart attack?

 

Hi Sofa,

No...no heart attack. It feels awful, but you will be ok. Your heart is strong and can withstand beating fast for a while. Big hugs!

[[dr...]]

109 while uncomfortable isn't even considered fast in a dangerous way. That's just a normal HR for anxiousness. 

 

 

[[Si...]]

Glad you're starting to feel better Nova. Hopefully you'll be back to your baseline (or better) soon.

 

I had terrible time falling asleep last night. Got in bed at my usual 12:30am. Probably didn't fall asleep until 1:30-2. Wide awake at 6:30am. Oh well, at least I slept. Better than nothing.

 

Siggy, I see that your sleep  problems are still haunting you, sorry to hear about that.

 

 

Thanks Sky, sorry you're having a rough time like a lot of us. Yes, not sleeping well is just terrible. I never had much problems before taking this rat poison.

[[so...]]

Thanks so much HH, Drew and Siggy.  I was starting to panic.  I wasn't even anxious about anything, but somehow I knew when I woke up at 3am this morning something felt weird.  You can't make this sh*t up.  The brain has a mind of its own!

[[Mi...]]

Sofa, 115/65 is my normal BP when not anxious I was told that's a amazing BP!  109 it's ok you got this!  Lay flat down on your back and breath!  109 isn't really that high during a attack!

[[No...]]

Good Evening ... 1030 PM here ... my deep, dark wave seems to be lightening up ... about time, is all I can say ...

 

Saw my physio guy this afternoon and by the time I got home I was exhausted ... so I slept off and on for 9 hours ... now trying to clear cob webs out of my belfry ...

 

Physio guy didn't have anything for me that I didn't already know or suspect ... did have a good image for me though ... after an exam he told me "you feel like a paper bag that has been crumpled up and squeezed tight" ... "there is nothing structurally wrong, you have been under so much stress these last few years that you are actually contorted" ... "you can spend a bunch of money with me, or, you can go home and just continue moving and stretching, things will get back into a comfortable range for you in time" ...

 

He knows my "drug" story and knows me from my Tai Chi days ... another image he gave me ... "you have been inhaling for a very long time, you can start exhaling, slowly, anytime now" ...

 

For me, wise words and more confirmation that I am fundamentally okay ... 

[[No...]]

Sky ... good to hear from you ... and, oh yes, it certainly has been so much fun, just a daily barrel of laughs ... as for doing it again some time ... I think I will pass ... I don't want to have al the fun ...

 

You made it to two years ... see, I told you we would ... 

[[No...]]

Sofa ... indeed, the brain does have a mind of its own ... now, if it would just zip its lips more often we may have an easier time of it ...

 

You are doing well, it just doesn't feel like it right now ... 

[[No...]]

TM ... 

[[No...]]

SerenityNow ... yes, all too often, all we can do is put in our time ... and we do indeed get better ... for some of us, slowly ... 

[[so...]]

Now having anal spasms.  Guess the whole marching band is showing up today.  Wish the guy behind me would pull the tuba out of my a**.

[[so...]]

Thank you everyone for convincing me I'm not dying yet. 

[[Co...]]

Sofa, ...115/66.. is actually an excellent b/p.  The hr is elevated but I think Drew is right.. 109 is not dangerous. My physician advised me not to get concerned unless it spikes to around 150 and stays there.....Heart attack and stroke fears are classic w/d sx..  and they are exacerbated by physical sx and the physical sx are revved by the anxiety... the perfect w/d fear spiral. ...Health fear was ( and continues on bad days)  my most challenging w/d sx. ....Why do you think you are having a heart attack.....aside from the mess that w/d creates in our minds. ....If I could give every person deciding to get off benzos one piece of advice it would be; " get a complete physical with ekg and possibly a stress test before tapering".. ...then when tests come back normal ( as most do) you can put that information in your chest of w/d weapons, and in times of heart attack fear, remind yourself that your heart is healthy. I am not making light of your suffering ( I made 2 trips to er and one to urgent care between months 4 and 6, absolutely sure that I was having a heart attack. Nova sat up overnight with me on the thread 2 different times as my heart pounded, thumped , sped and lurched out of my chest.  I still have bouts of much less intense heart attack fear). .    Not to sound too direct, but the thing that helped me the most ( after getting the test results showing a perfectly normal heart) was simply learning to live with the fear. So much easier said than done. 

      I am wishing you some relief from the heart anxiety and hoping you get a sunbreak along the way ......coop

[[Co...]]

Serenity.....you don't have to believe that healing happens....it will happen anyway.....We have all been there....in that place where all the encouraging words sound hollow.  On those days I  try to just accept it and go with it. Fighting the ever present sx is like spinning tires sunk in mud....it uses up all of our reserves and gets us nowhere... Distraction, Distraction ,Distraction was the only thing that ever got me through the " I will never heal" bouts.  It's hard..  and non-linear and repetitive and unpredictable.    But it really isn't permanent

    I hope you feel better soon..  just keep going...each day on its own.    coop

[[so...]]

Thanks Coop.  My heart has been checked out thoroughly, several EKGs and a 24 hour Holter monitor.  The racing heart was beating outside my chest, just like you described, combined with the awful head whooshing, panting, sweats, etc.  After about 3 hours my heart settled down in the 80s. 

 

I try not to panic, but I'm alone and sometimes the situation grabs me around the gut and throat and heart and breathing and I can't think what to do to help myself.

 

Thanks everybody for being with me.

 

Love, Sofa

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... doing my night owl, catch up thing ...

 

How are you doing? ...

 

Seems I am surfacing out of this last deep, dark wave ... it is amazing to me how much energy this stuff takes ... and how I start closing in on myself the longer a wave goes on ... I suppose that pattern has always been there, just noticing it more these days ...

 

Self protection I guess ...

[[so...]]

How are you feeling Coop?  Still at 85-90%?  I'm so happy for your recovery.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Good Evening ... 1030 PM here ... my deep, dark wave seems to be lightening up ... about time, is all I can say ...

 

Saw my physio guy this afternoon and by the time I got home I was exhausted ... so I slept off and on for 9 hours ... now trying to clear cob webs out of my belfry ...

 

Physio guy didn't have anything for me that I didn't already know or suspect ... did have a good image for me though ... after an exam he told me "you feel like a paper bag that has been crumpled up and squeezed tight" ... "there is nothing structurally wrong, you have been under so much stress these last few years that you are actually contorted" ... "you can spend a bunch of money with me, or, you can go home and just continue moving and stretching, things will get back into a comfortable range for you in time" ...

 

He knows my "drug" story and knows me from my Tai Chi days ... another image he gave me ... "you have been inhaling for a very long time, you can start exhaling, slowly, anytime now" ...

 

For me, wise words and more confirmation that I am fundamentally okay ... 

 

.....

Nova.....I love your post....the images are so helpful.  .yep....exhale.....exhale....I sometimes catch myself holding my breath and not one bit aware of it.....

    So so glad to hear that your wave is returning you to the shore....9 hours of sleep.....nice.  Looking forward to seeing some cooking posts and some comments about 'bounce'

      Wishing you some bounce in your kitchen tomorrow..  coop

[[so...]]

Nova, I'm so glad you pulled out of that antibiotic wave.  Your physio guy sounds understanding.  I bet you feel knocked around a bit.  You got some great zzzzz's!

[[No...]]

Sofa ... sometimes all I can "do" is endure ... hour after hour, day after day ... and when I can, remembering I have endured before and come out doing just fine ...

 

I sure was getting impatient during this last wave ... really getting quite edgy ... going around for a few days with this big dark cloud of doom hanging over everything ...

 

And today, my sun came out again ... this healing stuff just seems to have its own timetable ...

[[Co...]]

Sofa....yes, I am still holding at 85%  most of the time...some sunblasts of 90% here and there. Yesterday was a visit back to acute in the afternoon, but I think I am trying to fight off a virus....drippy nose....loose chest congestion. ...Better today.. back at 85% .  Better with a chance of sx.

    It is hard to do this alone. This group was my lifeline . I see my daughter 3/4 times a week and that really helps. For me, it's a two sided sword....on one hand , nobody suffers because of the wild and unpredictable spin this last 2 years has been, but on the other hand when things are mean I have to rely on the few tried and true coping skills I have honed along the way.  .and this group....

  Glad to hear that you have had the heart tests..  it's so helpful, at least in the rational moments, to be able to reassure yourself.  ...You are going to be ok..  it just doesn't feel like it. ....It will pass....but if feels like an eternity..

      coop