18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[No...]]

Korbe ... we have made it this far ... somehow ... I too am "doing" month 23 ...

 

For some of us this is a long road of suffering ... and often with little respite ... and I often feel inadequate that I cannot do more to help ...

 

We have been harmed by the drug ... and we are recovering ... and we will flourish again ... small words in the presence of great suffering ...

 

[[No...]]

Sofa ... yep ... this process sure is messy ... and confusing ... and exhausting ... and perhaps most of all, boring ...

 

You know, I got the "message" after being off the drug for three days ... I have told the process a zillion times ... that's okay, I know what recovery feels like ... thank you very much ... all these reminders are a waste of time and energy ... I am not senile, I get it ... NOW STOP ...

 

Didn't work ... seems there is a disconnect between my telling and it's listening ... 

 

I suppose I just have to dance with this smelly, halitosis breath partner a while longer ... why does it keep stepping on my toes and squeezing my neck all the time? ... another mystery ... 

[[dr...]]

Hi all.. Had a nice dinner out last night.  Came home and I noticed I was starving an hour later and overly energetic. Stay d up till midnight. Told my fiancé these are migraine signs.  Sure enough visual aura this am.  Stayed calm and guzzled coffee w Tylenol.  Slight headache but nothing worse than what I deal with usually. 

Nova-I made a lamb, onion, tomato, and egg scramble for breakfast.  Just finished my pasture raised chicken salad w onion, pistachios, tarragon, and homemade olive oil mayo. Dinner is fresh scallops with petroleum(word predictor put that in instead of petrale) :laugh:sole.  The fiancé eats well while I'm home bound 

 

Kobe and everyone else.  Groundhog Day from Hell until we're released from this terrible loop.

[[so...]]

My dear Buddies,

 

Thank you for all your words of encouragement.  In the midst of your own suffering, you had the compassion to lift my head above water again. 

 

Jen, thank you for your beautiful words describing how much better things have gotten for you, compared to year one.  You have inspired me to get through one more day.

 

Nova, as always, thank you for carrying the torch through this cave. 

 

Korbe, I know how much relentless pain you are in and I want to wrap a warm blanket around you.  You are nearing the end of this, like Nova, Coop, Beulah, Drew, Marj, TM, MissJen and Siggy.  Please hang on.  Your complete recovery is almost here.

 

Bless you all.

 

Love, Sofa

[[No...]]

Well ... this has turned into a crap filled afternoon and evening ... a real blast from the past as the old dj says ...

 

This one has been kind of interesting ... it has slowly ramped up over three days ... until it reached the full-bodied stuff this afternoon ...

 

Yep ... this has moved from lousy to miserable ...

 

Maybe it got ticked off with my halitosis image this morning ... 

 

Another day in the books here on the East Coast ... 

[[so...]]

Nova,

 

I am so sorry you are back in one of Stephen King's novels.  I know you won't be in it for long, as you've been on a normal "high" for many days.  This is the last hurrah for the wavy seas for you.  It's very disheartening, for sure, but knowing you are near the end must be of comfort to you, maybe not today, but tomorrow when you're back on track.  Sleep it off, shake it off, shake your booty, whatever you need to do.  We are all pulling for you and I'm sending healing energy to you right now.

 

Love, Sofa

[[dr...]]

Sorry nova

[[No...]]

Yep ... moping around feeling sorry for myself ... as we all know this stuff gets discouraging from time to time ...

 

Sofa ... yes ... I sense to that this is winding up for me ... and there is still work to be done I guess ... so just not winding up yet ...

 

How are you doing Drew ... hope you had a quiet day with all that good food ...

[[dr...]]

Taking it easy on the couch.  Weird migraine stuff but not really dif or worse than recovery symptoms.

[[No...]]

I hear ya Drew ... tried for a walk this afternoon ... too much heaviness ... just didn't feel like dragging myself around ...

 

Made a good dinner ... now just hanging out until the yawns take over ...

[[Mi...]]

Sorry Nova! 

 

Just got home from the in laws!  Oh does it feel good to be home!  Not trying to complain to much because Friday was a great day!  I even made the hubby sit in the passenger seat and drove the family out of state!  The kiddos got in the car and as we were pulling out my 15 year old says Ummm Dad, Mom is driving! Lol...  It was not with out minor difficulty! But I did it!  Had a great time Friday night visiting ect!    Then came unglued upon awakening Saturday morning!  Sorry again for the melt down post Saturday!  I knew from the moment I woke I should not have went shopping for the day but I did with everyone!  Thought I was literally going to die in the Hobby Lobby store!  That kinda of pure panic hadn't hit for a while!  But hey I am still here writing this post!  I guess it's true what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!  The really unique thing about yesterday is after shopping I was able to pull myself together barely but I did do it!  That evening we took 15 cousins to a haunted maze for my daughters bday party!    I don't know how I did it!  I told myself that I was not going to miss this!  I survived Acute WD and if I actually die in the corn maze then I guess I do!  I have never been able to find that kind of strength the old me had during a wave!  And believe me getting lost in a corn maze and people dressed up as zombies chasing us through out the maze with chain saws wasn't a easy task!  Today, was a variety of Friday and Saturday! Sun breaks 50%  Waves 50%!  But, I made it home today and through the car ride!    I am so very excited for this anxiety (you know the kind you want to crawl out of your own skin to get away from anxiety) to go away for good!  Boy am I exhausted from this stuff!   

 

Sending you all healing energy and peace!   

[[Mi...]]

Wow Drew your cooking sounds amazing!  I never really put any thought into what I ate!  But now I am finding myself learning so much about different foods ect....  I read every label twice and now that I don't work I have started to really learn how to cook!  My house is now strictly gluten free and pretty much all non GMO, organic!  I know my hubby and high school son cheat quite  a bit when out of the house but my daughter doesn't! She sticks to it with me all the way!  I can't believe how much better we all feel!  Her tummy problems have pretty much vanished!  So I guess that's one big plus to this journey through hell! 

[[Ko...]]

Sofa, Nova, & Drew,

 

Thank you for your wonderful words of support. I know you know how much they help when we're deep in the suffering. 

 

Hope your waves subside soon, so you can get back to living.  Not sure I know what that is any more.

 

Korbe

[[Mi...]]

Korbe,  I am sorry about all your pain! For me this seems to be a big sx this year!  I don't know if in the first year my mind was to far gone to notice it or what! But other than a bout with extreme anxiety my mind has been clearer! But these physical symptoms have really revved up for me to as I get closer to the year two mark!  I had a specialist look at my throat because I felt my air way was constricting! He said it had to due with the muscles in my throat! But he explained it to me the way my naturopath has! My naturopath said the body takes care of the brain and heart usually first in this mess we are in and that has been very true in my case!  Now my stomach and throat are acting up! And all my muscles feel very very tense and painful so it's there turn for healing I guess! This pain would be hard for anyone to deal with! And with our compromised nervous system right now it just makes the whole thing that much worse!  But you will heal! I know it doesn't feel like it but that's what our pain is all about right now! Our muscles were in such a relax state for so long that they are just trying to find there way back!  And they will!  Hopefully very soon that hour you have of relief will turn in to two hours then a half day or a full day!  It will happen! 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been offered muscle relaxers from almost every doctor I have seen! I never have taken the script for them though! Idk they seem to scare me! Does anyone here take them?????  I am just scared to put anything like that into my body again! As I fear it will prolong everything?? Or send me into a mind wave?

[[dr...]]

Jen...I can't believe you did the zombie run!  Awesome. Speaking of that watched walking dead and the thing(Kurt Russell version).  I'm sure I'll be running like crazy in my nightmares now.    nite all

[[...]]

Korbe, yes, sorry that you are suffering with the pain, it’s horrible. The suffering we have to endure really is mind blowing, literally. It is something that has plagued me too, even before I finished tapering. To me it feels like my body has arthritis everywhere particularly back, neck and shoulders. I’m getting it in my face now too, talk about face ache. It’s just our confused brain and body. You have nearly done now. Keep us posted.

 

Nova, your healing is taking place and you must cling to those good days as that is PROOF of a full recovery. Just  a thought but could you have maybe done too much when you were feeling better. I’ve been told that we need to pace ourselves when we have good bits and it is natural to rush around doing the things we haven’t been able or wanted to do. It must be such a bummer when you’ve had good days and not just a few hours here and there and then’ it’s’ back. Feel better

 

Beulah, heal away. So glad you’re feeling better and is there any room on the healing island?

 

Sofa, just keep going and believe in your healing. It’s hard and we doubt it all the time. I’m having one of those times now and just feel stuck and trapped in limbo land. Everyone feels like this though apparently.

 

Jen, I love reading your posts and find them uplifting and encouraging. You did really well to get away at the weekend. I know I couldn’t do it as I’m stuck in limbo land. Can I ask, when you felt improvements? I know this is irrelevant really as we are all so different. All I can do is go to work, which is like the death march sometimes and recover at the weekends, which totally does my head in as there is so much I need to do at home and just getting the kids clothes washed and ironed, doing the shopping and feeding us is my weekends now. I know this is what a lot of people do at weekends but it’s such a struggle and have to drag myself around ugh!

 

Hope you’re ok Drew, we are getting there buddy. That food sound amazing 

 

I had a Siggy night last night, heart racing when I went to bed then pain kept me awake. Toxic feeling in my body and it feels like the blood is not circulating properly. Now I’m at work, relatively calm but like a zombie from Jen’s  haunted maze, spaced out and dizzy. Wow to take my kids to a theme park seems such a long way off. On a positive, it was a such a beautiful day yesterday I cut both my front and back lawns and did a bit of weeding.

 

Coop if you are lurking, thank you for posting your update. It is massively encouraging.

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... pretty icky night ... broken sleep, tense dreams ... and I had to get up for a while and do my slow walk pacing thing to loosen things up ...

 

It is curious for me that I had misplaced my equilibrium so quickly after the effortless days ... something I worked at diligently to establish during my taper ... I suppose I may have chucked it out with some "baggage" during the recent effortless days ...

 

Paced my self around until I felt it coming back during the night ... perhaps it is like a cat ... "if you don't pet me every day I will find someone who will" ...

 

I don't feel I overdid things during those days ... rather a number of things showed up that I felt I needed to connect with so I did ...

 

Rather, I feel I needed a substantial respite ... and I got it ... and there was the constant question "is this it?" ...

 

I suppose that question has been answered ... more healing to be done ...

 

So ... I am settling in again ... and somewhat sad/depressed that I need to go further down this road ...

 

Oh well, it is what it is until it isn't ... and besides, I have some marvelous companions to accompany me ...

 

Got out my axe and bucket again ... more wood to chop, more water to carry ... and you know, there will always be wood to chop and water to carry ... and it is not a chore ... it is part of my daily rhythm ... well or ill ... 

[[No...]]

Jen ... engaging zombies in a corn maze is interesting "therapy" ...

 

I will have to consider that one for a while before I place it on my bucket list ... 

 

Good to hear you had an engaging weekend and arrived home without a chainsaw mishap ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Marj ... thought I heard other footsteps during the night ... hope you got some rest ...

 

Onward we go ... 

[[Mi...]]

Marj,  thank you for your kind words. But in all honesty you are my hero! I don't think you realize the strength you have with in your self!  You are working and raising your children yourself!  I can't even imagine on my better days being as strong as you are! Yes I have made a few strides to the other side of this night mare but I could never hold a job right now! Like today after the wknd it's a sit in the chair day and survive!  There is no way I would have the courage today to make it through work! And yes I somehow survived this past Saturday and was able to put myself back together after completely shattering to pieces! But I had my husband there holding my hand through out the entire evening!  Did you know most of the time I have the courage to do theese things I still do them with my "safe person". Yep, that wasn't a miss spell I have to have a safe person still with me if I leave my town!  And my only safe people are my hubby, my sister, and recently my mother has been added to that list!  And in all honesty my mom lives about 1.5 miles away. And, some days  (not often anymore) when my hubby is at work I have to go and hang with her!  So Marj in all honesty you have more strength than I could ever ask for! You are truly the strongest person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing!  Keep going you are doing so so great! 

 

 

Now you asked me when I started improving! Well I promise to share my story in a bit but the phone just rang I have a sick kiddo at school!  So I guess I am going to find some of that courage you have and venture out for a bit!   

[[Sk...]]

Hi everybody, I have just a few minutes, before the library closes and I lose my wi fi.  I am sorry, I haven't read any of the posts before, I have no idea of what is going on here.

 

I really miss you guys so much, it's hard to be in wd and be isolated. I never was overly active on the thread, but I read what you guys said and found comfort in your stories and they made me feel less alone in this "adventure" of ours.

 

My cell phone is no place to read updates from the forum, so I feel really isolated in days that are quite bad for me.

 

It's been  a couple of  days that I have been not well, in general. I have been feeling way too cold for what the weather actually is, so I am chalking it to some benzo symptom.

 

My heart symptoms too, have been worse than their usual.

 

My eyesight comes and goes, mostly goes and I have been getting some headaches as well.

 

But the top worst are my thoughts, awful and ugly.

 

I am doubting every single thing and I don't seem to know what is what anymore.

 

I try to help a little with the refurbishing of the house. There is an overwhelming amount of work to do.

 

I have just been trying to help clean up but even that, seems to get my heart started.

 

And today, out of physical effort, by my standards, I was just dusting,  I got a headache.

 

Drew, you have  often spoken about headaches, but I don't remember  you mentioning them stemming from physical effort. You did seem to think that stress could be connected ? So maybe the " exertion " of cleaning is interpreted as stress ?

 

I have to breathe, and remember I can only do this one step at a time.

 

As much as I hate leaving everything up to mr Sky, seems so unfair, that is just what I will have to do.

 

I will approach my thoughts when this is over and I can deal with my thoughts.

 

That, may be  easier said than done.

 

My thoughts pounce on me, when I am sleeping or about to fall asleep and more vulnerable.

 

It is awful to feel this bad this far out and no matter how much we read  that this does happen, nothing can actually prepare you for it when it happens.

 

GUys, bear with me. I am never here and when I am, I whine and whine !

 

Hope to have better news soon and to get my own Internet soon.

 

Hope everybody is ok.

 

Take care and heal on !

 

[[...]]

Hi Marj ... thought I heard other footsteps during the night ... hope you got some rest ...

 

Onward we go ... 

 

Hi Nova,

 

Nope, I had a crappy night. Never mind, there is always tonight. Yep, onwards we go. That flag is waving in the distance

[[Mi...]]

Nova,

 

I had that exact same thought Friday, is this it?    I just hate it when we get a big fat No for a answer!  As hard as that no is!  Days like that when you find out you are actually still in there under all of the waves and healing, brings on so much hope!  We will get there...  We will get to that final sun break day and stay there!

 

[[...]]

Hi everybody, I have just a few minutes, before the library closes and I lose my wi fi.  I am sorry, I haven't read any of the posts before, I have no idea of what is going on here.

 

I really miss you guys so much, it's hard to be in wd and be isolated. I never was overly active on the thread, but I read what you guys said and found comfort in your stories and they made me feel less alone in this "adventure" of ours.

 

My cell phone is no place to read updates from the forum, so I feel really isolated in days that are quite bad for me.

 

It's been  a couple of  days that I have been not well, in general. I have been feeling way too cold for what the weather actually is, so I am chalking it to some benzo symptom.

 

My heart symptoms too, have been worse than their usual.

 

My eyesight comes and goes, mostly goes and I have been getting some headaches as well.

 

But the top worst are my thoughts, awful and ugly.

 

I am doubting every single thing and I don't seem to know what is what anymore.

 

I try to help a little with the refurbishing of the house. There is an overwhelming amount of work to do.

 

I have just been trying to help clean up but even that, seems to get my heart started.

 

And today, out of physical effort, by my standards, I was just dusting,  I got a headache.

 

Drew, you have  often spoken about headaches, but I don't remember  you mentioning them stemming from physical effort. You did seem to think that stress could be connected ? So maybe the " exertion " of cleaning is interpreted as stress ?

 

I have to breathe, and remember I can only do this one step at a time.

 

As much as I hate leaving everything up to mr Sky, seems so unfair, that is just what I will have to do.

 

I will approach my thoughts when this is over and I can deal with my thoughts.

 

That, may be  easier said than done.

 

My thoughts pounce on me, when I am sleeping or about to fall asleep and more vulnerable.

 

It is awful to feel this bad this far out and no matter how much we read  that this does happen, nothing can actually prepare you for it when it happens.

 

GUys, bear with me. I am never here and when I am, I whine and whine !

 

Hope to have better news soon and to get my own Internet soon.

 

Hope everybody is ok.

 

Take care and heal on !

 

 

 

 

Oh Sky Sweetie,

 

Please don't worry about whining. That is what this place is for and I think you feeling isolated and not having access here all the time is probably making you worse and what with the house move and all the change (change is not good in WD unless its healing change). You are bound to fel unsettled. You are cleaning, that's more than I do and I used to be a Mrs Mop. Those thoughts are awful, it's like they just hijack our minds; I hate them, but they are not us. they are benzo lies. I know that doesn't make it any easier and it won't be easy until they have gone!!! And they GO. Stay strong, you are doing so well 

[[...]]

Jen,

 

funny how we see so much strength in others yet can't see our own. You have no idea how your words touch me and I admit I have always been hard on myself so going through this it is magnified x100's. hopefully when this is over we can all look at ourselves with different eyes. Mostly I find work a distraction and usually it is not too demanding. If I get any stress at work, I really struggle and it has an effect on me for a few days. I have the chance to move to a higher grade at work but I am going to have to pass it by as I am no way ready and cannot risk hampering my recovery. Yes safe people, my daughter is my safe person, but she cannot be around all the time. My Mum tries to understand and it is up and down with her. I don't recognize myself in being needy in any way and I can't wait for that to just disappear and feel comfortable with myself. It's great you have a hubby who is supportive.

 

hope your little one is ok