18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[Co...]]

Hi 18-24 month buds....just dropping in to catch up...

    My improvement t continues to sit right at 85%.  I will take it.. Month 23 starts tomorrow for me. For all of mo th 22 life was just humming along pretty nicely....random mild to moderate sx...all manageable. Doing stuff...having a life.  Feeling like healing is immenent....all good.  AAANNND  then.  2 days ago a real honest to goodness wave with an anxiety attack bordering on a panic....the crazy physical sx of panic that make you think you are dying on the spot.  It lasted about an hour but hovered the restof the day. NOVA .  ..interesting , I am right behind you and my wave that followed days and weeks of feeling good had many of the same sx as what you describe....Reflux, nausea, benzo flu, panic and weakness, anxiety , breathing weirdness and insomnia.  I was so cog fogged I felt stoned ...words and names just disappeared down a rabbit hole. ..fatigue.    Every sx of acute co.pressed into a day long wave. It tried to undo me, but I've been doing this too long. I just went to bed and waited it out because I knew it would pass, although that knowledge didn't particularly ease my misery. It did pass..  the following day ( yesterday) I felt beat up and back to mashed potatoes only for food.....Today....back to at least 80%.  Such better recovery than last year or even if  months ago. 

    DREW..  I am glad you are working from home on fridays. No, being on the couch is not bedridden..  it is couch surfing ...a step up from bedridden...In my opinion , when things are crappy and you have done as much as you are able to do ( like brushing your teeth and letting the cat out), couch surfing only makes sense.  Let it be what it is...until it isnt... low and slow until it passes. The head stuff just makes everything else twice as bad. I was in month 21.5 before I started getting some better clarity... it made all the difference in the world as to how well I could handle the other sx. You are doing everything possible to ride out your head sx.  they are going to fade out Drew. How is the migraine front?...I hope they are getting further apart.. Every day is one day closer and you have come 90% of the way.  I am with you all the way.  .I hope your weekend has some sunbreaks... .and really good foo

 

      I am wishing you all sunbreaks and good healing for the weekend... I am a little tired of sitting right at 85%, but I am not going to complain. Last year an 85% day was a window. I feel like I have most of my life back and I could be ok right here at 85% forever and be thankful. but I am going for 100%.  at least 95%. 

    I just want to say that it has taken me a minimum of 21.5 months to get to a reliable 85%. I am not saying that to discourage a yone, I just want to encourage everyone who is at 16, 17, - 20 months and feeling like it will never end..  it will get better....and then it will end.  .....coop

[[dr...]]

Thanks for the update coop.  I was really getting worried about you that you were avoiding us because you were back in a wave(this thought occurred while trying to relax in tub so I blame you)

 

I am going three weeks without a migraine and the last one was mild.  My neck has been so stiff so I took two Advil and it really helped. The tight muscles are giving me head stuff and boatiness.  Oh well... I may have to lean on it a bit here. Yeah...my main goal is hoping I enjoy my delayed sushi dinner w the fiancé that was cxld due to my Crappiness

[[No...]]

Sorry I missed dinner Drew ... didn't hear the gong ... shut down early because I get up early for the Saturday market ...

 

Yep ... we keep truckin' along ... enjoy your weekend ... 

[[No...]]

Coop ... good to hear from you ... missed you ... sorry this stuff grabbed you for another go-round ...

 

And as you say ... we have been at this for a while so we know what to do when we get hit ... it may not be pleasant, and we know it is always temporary ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[Mi...]]

Good morning from Minnesota everyone!  Wow is it chilly here today! 

So made it through the ENT apt yesterday! Little nervous but it went amazing!  One specialist down 2 to go!    Well the throat doc told me exactly what everyone else did!  And thank you for helping me through the Feeling of the throat closing ordeal!  And it sure was a ordeal!  :'(.  Well, I could not have had a nicer doctor! And he was very very old which always makes me feel better! Idk why?  But anyways he assured me there was no growths no cancer no anything that was constricting my throat! And everything looked absolutely perfect!  He even took the time to really explain to me what he thought was going on!  He said it's not in my head per say! That what happens is the muscles in the throat contract thus giving the feeling of the throat closing but in all his days (which he even chuckled and admitted were many). He has never had a patients throat actually close from the muscle contraction!  And worse case if it actually did I would pass out and my body would relax and my air ways would open right back up!  He wanted to give me a muscle relaxer! I explained that I was still healing from benzos!  Then he said well now it all makes since!  He no longer pushed the relaxer and said when it happens meditate do yoga whatever it takes!  Progressive muscle relaxation! Thought of you Drew! I have to get on this! Do you recommend a certain one?   

Anyways what a HUGE RELIEF!    I know this sx has come up a bit on this site but getting it checked was so so so comforting!      I was actually able to leave my town and drive to the in laws 3+ hours away with no extreme panic!  I didn't have to be with in a 5 mile radius of a hospital and when my throat started to feel that way I was able to say No,No,No poison you are not going to trick me today!  Although it's always easier to do when your not in a big wave!

Last week I never imagined being ok enough to go to a specialist and leave the house for the wknd!  So all of you hold on a sun break can come at anytime!    Much Love, 

[[dr...]]

Great news Jen!  Reassurance is needed from time to time.  When I get any chest pain now I can almost always ignore it.  I say to myself "whatever it is it's not my heart because I've had every test come back very healthy".  Getting things checked out stops the panic or health anxiety from exploding.

 

I just use one on iTunes.  It's not great but it does the trick.  Type in Progressive Muscle Relaxation or Beth Salcedo and hers should come up. 

 

 

[[Si...]]

I agree with drew. It can feel like a heart attack, but usually just w/d. I could swear earlier on in w/d that my heart was beating like crazy, but when my pulse was taken it would be a steady 60 bpm. I always though my blood pressure would be off the charts but it almost always comes out to 120/80 or below. Usually even under 115/75. It's good to get stuff checked out, but this crap can play big trucks in your mind. I have costochondritis in the left side. I had no idea what it was, so thought I was having a heart attack. I found out later that my sister has it in both sides of her chest. She's worked as a nurse for a long time and a lot of people mistake costochondritis for heart problems. Again good to get it checked out, but a lot of times it's something else.

[[No...]]

Miss Jen ... kindly reassurance is always very appreciated and helpful ... I am happy you have experienced some ...

 

Now ... enjoy your weekend ... as best you can ... 

[[No...]]

I am pretty sluggish today ... this seems to be the last day of a three day wind/rain storm event ... got to the market ... bought too much, and dragged my behind home ... fyi ... a four litre container of maple syrup weighs 14 pounds ... arghh ... add in an 8 pound chicken and a pile of veggies including two squash and you have a goof you was not paying attention to the accumulation of weight in his bags ...

 

Made it home ... now in "recovery" mode ... 

[[...]]

Hi Nova, good for you carrying that maple syrup and everything else. You would have struggled with that not that long ago.

 

I too have just been shopping, in total Dp and thought I might do a face plant. I'm scared right now as I feel so awful as if I'm getting worse. I'm 18 month next weekend and can't see this getting better. I'm sick of complaining and crying. So many scary thoughts trying to hijack me and my frying brain. I am clinging on to Coops update and Jenny and everyone else. Wish I could be more positive

[[dr...]]

Marj-I'm right there w you w the exception I've had it w this wave.  I went out w the wtf attitude and hiked three miles.  Now I'm having my morning cup of coffee.  I've slowed down or stopped those both to see if I heal better taking it easy.  Well...unless I'm in the thick of it at the moment, none of it makes a difference.  I mean no jogging or coffee during high anxiety but really it's just time and luck. I've felt trapped in my house and body and I've just had it today.

 

I've found this pattern similar time and again.

-start feeling bad and hope it's not a wave

-realize it's a wave and panic and retreat

-have a rough time and fight symptoms

-accept and lay low

-get mad and fight through any symptoms w acceptance and doing things.  Fighting through w acceptance is different than fighting the symptoms

-regain some semblance of myself

 

I've had head presdure(much less than previously but still annoying) which brings on congestion, Boatiness, and headaches. Oh...muscles tightness in the neck too.  Probably from the Boatiness of my head bring off balance or something.  Have s massage and my make up sushi dinner from when I felt shitty on my birthday.  Btw-your cake was fantastic 

 

Nova-four liters of syrup?  My god I'd have no teeth and be on an adrenaline rush for weeks

 

Sig-I'm with you man

 

[[...]]

Drew, you have described everything that is going on with me. It is identical apart from I am blubbing, more out of frustration as this is causing me to feel so low. I have head pressure too and it is not as severe, it's more of a headache with pressure. Not bothered with a walk today as was so fatigued. Been skimming Baylissa's book again and it always helps. I'm cooking a chicken curry now for me and my daughter  who is at work. At least she is not around to see me so distressed. Hang in there Drew 

[[Mi...]]

Thanks All!  And yes during acute I thought for sure my heart was going to literally explode! And yes seeing a cardiac surgeon helped so much!  He was actually the first MD who told me benzos were one of the absolute worst meds out there! Unless for a surgery ect......    At the time my head was to gone to realize my heart is a huge muscle that had been relaxed for way way to long!  And of course It had to run its coarse in the healing process!  But, yes I had every test imaginable!  And all perfect!  But oh boy that heart stuff in the first year boy was that EXTREME!    I never want to do that again! 

So, heart specialist checked.

Throat specialist checked.

I have been saving the worst for last!  Gastro as I have had tummy problems all my life and found out I had a gluten sensitivity all my life that went un noticed!  So really nervous about that one as my nervous system I don't think can handle the not good news news!  But checking off the list sure eases the health anxiety and those darn what ifs during the wave!     

[[Mi...]]

Oh my what a morning!  Had a pretty amazing day yesterday!  Some sx but manageable! First time in years the out of state car ride was even manageable!  Then woke up this morning felt a little off but managed through it!  Went shopping with husband and mother in law!  Totally had to leave the store! I really truly thought I was going to die!  My whole body tensed up really really tight! Had a little bit of the air hunger!  I haven't had that for ever!  I hate that it's the worst :tickedoff:.

By the time I got to the truck my whole body was quietly shaking! It was the kind of anxiety that makes you actually want to crawl out of your skin!  When this happens I go back to my cold turkey because that's exactly how I felt and my BP that night was extremely extremely high!  So I am always worried it going to get like that again! And I worry how much stress a body can actually take!  And can you actually die from this stress?  Then I freak out worse! That has not happened for a really long time!  I hate this!  Sorry for all the negativity guys!  It's so hard this back and forth!  Don't get me wrong the sun breaks are beautiful days it's just so unnerving how this shit comes on! No warning it's like a flip of a light switch!  I think this is my whole problem with the agoraphobia stuff!  Even the good days it's like you have to tip toe around! Constantly looking over your shoulder!  I want off this ******* ride!      My husband keeps assuring me no one has actually ever died of a panic attack or anxiety episode, but is that true! Because I just wonder during these episodes how high does your BP go?  Is your heart really beating as fast as you think it is?  And is your body really not getting enough oxygen?    :'(. Are our body's capable of going through this over and over? 

[[Te...]]

Miss Jen.....read your post on visit with your doctor....It sure is helping me today cope with tight throat..

 

Went to bed last night felt muscle in throat tighten up....was up half the night...it's like a strangling feeling....but throat seems so dry....food feels as it sticks in throat....doesn't seem to go down normally

 

I've had so many test...idk

Throat thing gets better for a while....then boom it comes back......so sick and tired of this...

 

 

[[No...]]

Miss Jen ... when it gets like this ... all the symptoms ... all the doubts ... all the questions ... what I need to do is slow everything down ... get myself out of this loop I am generating ... the symptoms are wild enough ... and my goofy mind running around screaming and shouting try this, do this, look out, here comes another earthquake ...

 

And that is exactly where I am right now ... sweating buckets ... nervous and jittery ... nauseous and boaty ... and my goofy mind running pillar to post ... perhaps I am tangled up in a panic episode ... not sure ... and doesn't really matter ...

 

I just do the best I can ... trying not to generate an even larger storm in the moment ...

 

And right now there is a large measure of discouragement ... after such a good effortless few days to be back in this swamp is exhausting ...

[[No...]]

TM ... yes ... we are sick and tired of this ... and we just endure some more ... as Beulah says ... we are living our healing right now ... and perhaps that is all we can do ...

[[No...]]

Drew ... I share about a third of that amount with a friend ... and the rest lasts us the better part of year ... just way more economical to but it in bulk ... and it keeps fine in the fridge ...

 

Seems we are having an "interesting" day ... this sucks ... 

[[be...]]

Hi 18-24 month buds....just dropping in to catch up...

    My improvement t continues to sit right at 85%.  I will take it.. Month 23 starts tomorrow for me. For all of mo th 22 life was just humming along pretty nicely....random mild to moderate sx...all manageable. Doing stuff...having a life.  Feeling like healing is immenent....all good.  AAANNND  then.  2 days ago a real honest to goodness wave with an anxiety attack bordering on a panic....the crazy physical sx of panic that make you think you are dying on the spot.  It lasted about an hour but hovered the restof the day. NOVA .  ..interesting , I am right behind you and my wave that followed days and weeks of feeling good had many of the same sx as what you describe....Reflux, nausea, benzo flu, panic and weakness, anxiety , breathing weirdness and insomnia.  I was so cog fogged I felt stoned ...words and names just disappeared down a rabbit hole. ..fatigue.    Every sx of acute co.pressed into a day long wave. It tried to undo me, but I've been doing this too long. I just went to bed and waited it out because I knew it would pass, although that knowledge didn't particularly ease my misery. It did pass..  the following day ( yesterday) I felt beat up and back to mashed potatoes only for food.....Today....back to at least 80%.  Such better recovery than last year or even if  months ago. 

    DREW..  I am glad you are working from home on fridays. No, being on the couch is not bedridden..  it is couch surfing ...a step up from bedridden...In my opinion , when things are crappy and you have done as much as you are able to do ( like brushing your teeth and letting the cat out), couch surfing only makes sense.  Let it be what it is...until it isnt... low and slow until it passes. The head stuff just makes everything else twice as bad. I was in month 21.5 before I started getting some better clarity... it made all the difference in the world as to how well I could handle the other sx. You are doing everything possible to ride out your head sx.  they are going to fade out Drew. How is the migraine front?...I hope they are getting further apart.. Every day is one day closer and you have come 90% of the way.  I am with you all the way.  .I hope your weekend has some sunbreaks... .and really good foo

 

      I am wishing you all sunbreaks and good healing for the weekend... I am a little tired of sitting right at 85%, but I am not going to complain. Last year an 85% day was a window. I feel like I have most of my life back and I could be ok right here at 85% forever and be thankful. but I am going for 100%.  at least 95%. 

    I just want to say that it has taken me a minimum of 21.5 months to get to a reliable 85%. I am not saying that to discourage a yone, I just want to encourage everyone who is at 16, 17, - 20 months and feeling like it will never end..  it will get better....and then it will end.  .....coop

 

Coop, I could have written this post, all except the panic..it's gone for now. I had a mashed potato day yesterday and better today.

Up and down..I feel like a yo-yo.

I would like to report that I feel near healed but just not time...a little while longer.

Things are getting better though..if the nasty waves would stay out to shore.

I'm not out living my life yet but I am able to do more things like cleaning, longer walks, and getting the urge to drive, I just know in the near future I'm going to pick up my car keys and take off driving..I can feel it.

To some people these are small things, but to us the small things are huge.

 

Just keep hanging in there and eating those mashed potatoes.

 

[[so...]]

Hi buddies,

 

I'm in need of encouragement and reassurance (big surprise) again that this won't last forever.  I cannot see an end to this.  How do you keep the faith that this isn't as good as it's gonna get?  This racing heart of mine has been going on every single day for 11 months!  Is the needle stuck in my brain somewhere that tells my heart to constantly pump in the 90s?  I am breathless.  I feel so drugged.  I lay down and pant in bed all day.  How can this have a good healthy outcome?  I try to meditate, I pace, I breathe....I just can't keep this up much longer.  I am sorry for the rant, I really am.

 

I hope you are all doing better than I am.  I love you all.

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

Nova, Drew, Siggy, Beulah, Jen, Marj, Sasquatch, TM and everyone ....

 

I'm so encouraged by your progress and your perseverance.  Very grateful to be in your company.  I really don't know where I would be without all of you.

 

Love, Sofa

[[Te...]]

Sofa......I also have some nasty symptoms 24/7......

 

I too.......need encouragement .....not a lot of support on home base....everyone here is so nice...and understands....what we all are going through.....it's so helpful...

 

It's scary at times feeling so ill......there has been so many days I wonder if I'll make it til the next day....but I do.....

 

We all just need to keeping going...some day ...hopefully we all will...put this behind us....come stronger...to go on and do wonderful things....

 

Healing hugs! TM

[[Mi...]]

Sofa, I know exactly how you feel! I had a extreme day myself!  It gets better though I promise!  My first year was like the day I had today!  Just surviving the day was a accomplishment! And, I would often wake up in the morning and was so surprised at the fact that I actually woke up!  My heart was beating in ways I never thought possible!  That dramatically dropped off around the one yr mark for me!  When the heart sensations let up it was a lot easier to excersize and get out of bed!  It still ramps up from time to time but it's not constant at all anymore!  My head also started to get a bit clearer.  In June/July I had the worst vertigo felt completely stoned for a good eight wks then that improved greatly!  I still have mild/moderate sx creep in with this but they don't stay around to long! And nothing to extreme since my 8 week ordeal!  I also used to wake up with terrible anxiety every morning for a year straight! Like crawl out of your skin anxiety!  Now I will go a stretch on and then a stretch off! So again improved ATLEAST 50/50 instead of a guaranteed 100%!  I used to not sleep well at all! This has improved tremendously!  Sometimes it takes me longer to fall asleep but when I do I usually always get ATLEAST 8 hours!    In my second year that I am in it's my variety year for sure! Seems like every day is a different sx or two with a constant of muscle tightness and gastro stuff!  But they say your stomach is your second brain so I guess it's time for that to get to it's healing!  So please know it does get better!  Not for sure great yet but better!  I find myself in real bad moments that are still scary as hell like today!  But I also find myself in moments smiling, dancing, and truly laughing! And some days even actually hopefull for recovery!  I am four months away from 2 years and can actually see the improvements now!  I have no idea how long it's going to take but I finally feel And can see progress!  So yes I believe with all my heart and soul we will all make it!  And I am excited for that day!  After what we have all been through, can you imagine how strong we will all be at 100% !  I actually think we may surprise ourselves and even feel better than our old 100%. We may feel 200%   Wouldn't that be something! 

 

And a special thank you for the kind words today everyone!  I really came unglued!  You guys are truly a gift from God!  I truly feel so blessed to have found this wonderful group! It amazes me every day to see such unconditional support and understanding!   

 

Wishing everyone here a well needed sleep tonight and peaceful sun breaks tomorrow!   

[[Ko...]]

Hi 18 - 24 months off Buddies,

 

I've been off the site for a couple of weeks. Just not feeling well enough to be supportive. Sorry.

 

Started month 23 today. I'm very disappointed. Thought I would be a lot better by now. I've been in a wave through month 22 and it's still continuing.  Once in a while I get about an hour repreave and then it comes crashing back.  My sx effects are mostly physical with lots of pain.  My lower legs burn like someone threw acid on them. Then my shin bones start aching like I've been kicked in the shin. My feet and ankles swell up and that's mostly uncomfortable. Ice and elevation helps, plus I take lasix.

My stomach is huge, and my ribs are being squeezed that it's painful.  When the pain is at its worst even my brain feels like it's going to burst and I can't think clearly at all.  Akathesia comes and goes. That's when you can't stay still and have to keep moving. My leg muscles are very week making it difficult to walk.  When I do walk my doggie to potty, I get severe cramps in my butt. When I get those, I do take a muscle relaxer otherwise I wouldn't be able to walk.  Speaking of walking.  I'm still boaty but that's improved some.  Last but not least, my sleep sucks because of the pain. Usually, feel some relief in the morning, so sleep all day and up all night.

 

I know all of you are suffering too. I'm amazed that some of you are working. That would be impossible for me.  But I can drive a car except when I'm in extreme pain.

I hope you get through your waves soon and healing begins.

 

Nova - so sorry to hear that your're in another wave.  I think that's normal for this process and it will leave soon. Thanks for all your kind words to everyone.

 

I'm off for now.  Many windows for you all.

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... as we meander through the posts ... we pause and look into each other's eyes ... one post at a time, one gaze at a time ... and in this exchange, this sharing, we recognize the blessing we are ...

 

Oftentimes when I have looked in the mirror during this process I could not recognize who was engaging me ... the familiar was lost ... and I felt that thousand question doubt ... where have I gone? ... is there a return? ...

 

And then I read a post ... and oftentimes I feel the presence that is myself connecting and exchanging ... and I marvel that I am still here ... that I have not been lost ... that within the sensations of this swirling blizzard of symptoms there is still a centre that can feel this connection, this engagement ... and perhaps for only a moment right now, live it ...

 

That I can feel your acceptance and mine, that I can feel your kindness and mine, that I can feel your gaze and mine ... a blessing ...

 

And here, in this connection and exchange, there is hope ... your hope is my hope ... my hope is your hope ... freely and unconditionally given ...

 

One post at a time, one gaze at a time ...