Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[Sw...]]

Hey Vertigo.  So nice to see you "lurking".  You are always a breath of fresh air.  Are you going away for good?  No more posts?      I haven't been on the forum in a long time.  Today I had thoughts of all the great people, like you, who helped me through my struggles.  I am approaching one year benzo free now.    Not quite ready to write my success story, but I am very well with just a couple of kinks to work out.  Take Care Friend!

[[An...]]

Has anyone else had incessant anxiety like me at 6 1/2 months out?  It had waned slightly in the past but now it is back with a vengeance.

 

I could weep with despair and I am seriously beginning to doubt this is withdrawal as I feel so anxious and whacked out

 

Thanks

 

Angel

[[wi...]]

Angel,

I have not reached that point yet, but have read of people all over this forum who have experienced a resurgence of symptoms at 6 months out.  You are not alone.  Hope you reach a window soon.  Hang in there.

[[An...]]

Thanks wish ... in my heart I know you are right.  I think there comes a time when you had hoped you would be through all this and when you aren't a bit of despondence and self-questioning sets in.

 

I have 2 up and coming trips which are freaking me out ... I had to cancel a recent trip because of symptoms and I desperately want to be able to sail through the first one with a difficult relative (which I know I won't, that is if I don't cancel it prior).  If I can get through that one then

it will give me the confidence to do the 2nd one (which is a pleasurable one) if you see what I mean.

 

Right at this point, my mindset is that if I feel then like I do now, there is no way I should go ....or, is there?  I wonder if I should just go and do it and beat what is now becoming a phobia.

[[wi...]]

Thanks wish ... in my heart I know you are right.  I think there comes a time when you had hoped you would be through all this and when you aren't a bit of despondence and self-questioning sets in.

 

I have 2 up and coming trips which are freaking me out ... I had to cancel a recent trip because of symptoms and I desperately want to be able to sail through the first one with a difficult relative (which I know I won't, that is if I don't cancel it prior).  If I can get through that one then

it will give me the confidence to do the 2nd one (which is a pleasurable one) if you see what I mean.

 

Right at this point, my mindset is that if I feel then like I do now, there is no way I should go ....or, is there?  I wonder if I should just go and do it and beat what is now becoming a phobia.

Angel,

Can't believe you were only on benzos for 1 month.  That just shows how evil this really is.  I kind of expect this to be hard because I struggled on the drug for 10 years and then during the taper for 2 years.  Still I have to say that I am always surprised when I get hit hard with something.  I completely know what you mean about thinking you are through and then questioning when you aren't.

 

I haven't traveled for 2 years and will have to in the next few months.  I'm putting it off and dreading it.  At some point I will have to take the leap.  Mine isn't going to be emotionally charged, however.  Take care of yourself and be wise about jumping into a set-up for a set-back.  Trust yourself either way.  Keep on persevering.  You will make it!  Someday this will all be behind you.

[[An...]]

Thanks so much Wish.  Good luck with your recovery too.

 

Yes, one month. I just learned that because I had a paradoxical effect to the Xanax that is perhaps one of the reasons I am getting hit so hard.  I see other short-termers who are over it now.

 

I think attitude and trying to be strong helps doesn't it?  As opposed to collapsing in a pool of tears and feeling sorry for yourself which I have done in the past but it really doesn't help.  It's quite hard to stay positive though all the time isn't it? 

 

Thanks again and have a great rest of the weekend.

 

Angel

[[...]]

Great info on making green drink; i used to be way into that; bought sunflower sprouts and sweet pea sprouts and even have a juicer for wheat grass.  they deliver to my house, but i have not had the energy to do much like that darn it all.  so my eating has not been good

look forward to getting that film from net flix; perhaps it will motivate me.

struggling at  four and a half months; am teaching now and the blood pressure has been an issue as they are adding all these observations to us

trouble with depression and fatigue;

am wishing i could do better with food and exercise

wishing...wishing

darn it all; just having a tough time still

appreciate all the information on this thread..

i hope it stays around.

thank you

[[An...]]

Pan you are a trooper. Sorry you are struggling with depression and fatigue, those are some of the symptoms I have got right now and it's not pleasant but on we go!

 

Angel

[[gi...]]

Angel, are you still on effexor?

[[An...]]

Hi Ginger

 

Yes.  Why?

[[ve...]]

Yes, one month. I just learned that because I had a paradoxical effect to the Xanax that is perhaps one of the reasons I am getting hit so hard.  I see other short-termers who are over it now. I think attitude and trying to be strong helps doesn't it?  As opposed to collapsing in a pool of tears and feeling sorry for yourself which I have done in the past but it really doesn't help.  It's quite hard to stay positive though all the time isn't it?  

Thanks again and have a great rest of the weekend.

Angel

 

Hi Angel.  I'm still lurking and just had to respond to a couple of you.  We just turned the clocks back so it's 6AM but really 5AM now , so I figured I'd check on my buddies and couldn't resist responding to a few posts, as I approach 2 years off this coming week.  I too had a reaction after just three weeks on valium while traveling Internationally.  My doctor did not warn me to taper off and so I essentially became dependent on a low dose of valium after less than a month.  3 weeks later I was in the hospital emergency room with vertigo, high anxiety/agitation and insomnia.  The ER doctor was not knowledgeable about valium/benzodiazepenes or vertigo for that matter.  He gave me some poor advice on several levels, but fortunately I knew better and saw my ENT and then a neurologist who concurred that I should have tapered slowly off the valium and that there was a 50/50 chance that reinstatement would help the symptoms.  The rest is history as I've reported on this thread and on my blog.  I believe I had a sensitivity to valium, perhaps more than others, although I believe I am not the only one who has a strong reaction to these "medications".  Some folks can take valium intermittently for a period of time or "as needed", perhaps for even a couple months and then stop with some impact but not too bad.  Others can become very dependent after just 2-4 weeks of use.  We're all a little different in terms of our sensitivities.  Reinstatement and the decision to do a slow taper was right for me. The vertigo resolved very quickly.  The medication the ER doctor gave me was useless in that regard.  The neurologist said it would only help the feeling of nausea, but not the dizzies.  I've read on forum where others have been prescribed meclizine for vertigo as well.  Anyway, within 4 days, the vertigo was gone, my inner ear stabilized and I stayed on 5 to 7mg valium for a few months before I began my slow taper in 2009.  I have also struggled with feelings of those lost years due to just a few weeks of taking valium on a trip, Angel.  I also had that paradoxical rebound anxiety where after never having ever had a panic attack, suddenly started up with feelings of panic, a few months after stopping valium 2 years ago.  Then a second mini panic at 5-6 months off, then things got better for a while.  Interestingly, the vertigo returned in a mild form earlier this year after we got a new dog.  The high worry and concern I had about housebreaking a puppy, getting up early to let him out, anxiety about him chewing up the baseboards and such sent me into a brief tailspin, perhaps not unlike the brief vertigo Marina posted about a few days ago.  Glad you're doing well now Marina .  Anyway, I ended up with a few weeks of insomnia, anxiety and a couple of days of vertigo which fortunately went away after tings settled down.  Maybe I'm just a little prone to the dizzies when under prolonged unusual circumstances or stress. It's not every day that one brings a new untrained puppy into one's home .

 

By the way, I had some very high anxiety in months 10-15, Wishidknown.  I think it can be quite normal to still have anxiety in that first year off as you adjust to not having an artificial pill to calm you down.  Part of it for me was getting a new dog earlier this year and perhaps some was the intense exercise program I embarked on at a year off (exactly a year ago) to lose 30lbs, some of it was the new diet (not Atkins but fairly low carb).  Here it is about a year later and I've gained back about half of the weight but feel much better, perhaps in part due to the blending and green smoothies .  

 

I also had to make several trips to see my elderly father who has cancer, one in particular in November 2010 and again in March of this year.  Unfortunately I've had no choice but to continue with flying and making 3-4 cross country flights per year since the taper ended and this has gone on for almost ten years since we moved from the W. Coast to the Southern part of the United States.  I have to say that I do feel in some ways that it helped my recovery to challenge myself with travel and the stresses that can go along with it. However, I do believe that in part I got Shingles at five weeks post taper,  by not limiting my stress and travel in the first couple of months off the valium. I would recommend taking it easy in the first three months and avoiding travel if you don't absolutely have to do it for your job or some other reason.  Yet I think from about six months, each trip built some level of confidence that I could get back to "normal" life and that it was going to be ok.  Yes, jet lag has and continues to be a problem but I am much more aware about my limits when I go on these trips, know not to stay up too late the first few days even though I want to visit with friends and family til the wee hours.  I try to get to bed by 9PM when I arrive and that way if I'm up at 3AM for the first few days or even a week, I've at least gotten five or six hours of sleep until I've adjusted to the time change.  Some people can adjust in a couple days or have found melatonin or getting out in the sunshine helps adjust more quickly.  I don't know why it takes me 5or 6 days to get adjusted.  Sensitive system?  That goes back to the sensitivity to the benzo and the c/t off it.   Anyway, those are just a few thoughts I had on some of the posts I've read about stress, travel and benzo recovery. To answer the question though, I think travel ought to be thought through carefully.

 

There can be a fine line between avoiding something because it's unpleasant vs really needing the recuperation due to fatigue, perhaps depression, sleeplessness or other health matters.  Ultimately one  ought to weigh all the factors even though one may be or feel a little conflicted. There may be pros and cons and sometimes the pros outweigh the cons in terms of taking a trip.  I recently debated whether or not to fly out to the W. Coast. My father's last chemotherapy has not gone as well as in the past, but he's been stable.  I debated whether to wait til the numbers drop further so when he needs perhaps a stronger treatment, I could go out there.  The alternative was  to just go  and help get him some 2nd opinions and make a plan for the next treatment while he is still relatively strong.  I decided to go and we spent some quality time together for about ten days last month. I hope his numbers remain stable so I don't have to turn around and fly back out there before next Spring, but some things just can't be controlled.  I know you and Mimi and others here have elderly parents to visit.  Anyway, I've seen my father  and checked on him and I was glad I went.   One other thing that impacts my decisions to travel sometimes, is that I tend to be prone to sinus infections when I fly, particularly if I'm not getting enough rest or watching my anxiety levels in terms of getting rest, meditating....  So I'm always a bit nervous about flying during winter when people tend to have more colds and flu on the airplane and airports. I've had a cold or virus a few times in the last two years since I finished my taper and it can stir up some symptoms when one is sick.  Ironically, I made it last month on two flights without any issues but have now caught a cold from my son a few days ago and am trying to prevent it from turning into a sinus infection.  I'm doing saline rinses and hope those work like the last cold I had about six months ago.  I made the mistake of having a few sodas last week which sometimes gives me reflux and can cause sinus issues from the acid.

 

I think as we recover and start to do things we used to do before benzos, it can be a challenge as to how we'll react to different stressors, even to foods or beverages, exercise, stress and to travel.  Unless one is really feeling crappy, I'm usually one to push ahead and try to take on the extra challenge (after two to three months of post taper recovery if possible).  That being said, I've made a conscious decision in the last two years, to minimize contact with a sibling who can be very difficult to deal with.  It's not that I can't handle contact with him.  I've just come to realize the price is high and that I feel much better not having contact.  Our health is very precious and sometimes it's best to focus on that rather than pleasing everyone else or giving in to family pressure or one's own guilt.  Again, it's a balance and a decision one has to make for oneself as to what one can handle and the timing of it in the recovery process.

 

Another thing that can get stress going is the decision to return to work or take on more stressful things at work.  I'm glad things have worked out for you Pan.  Teaching is a noble profession.  I hope to increase my workload in 2012 as well .  Also, although I feel the supergreens and blending have been helpful, I agree that using your own green veggies in a vitamix or similar blender (as Mimi mentioned) may even be better. I've tried to be cautious about the amount of fruit because there really is a lot of sugar in a banana, for example, and could cause issues if anyone is pre diabetic, has high blood pressure... sometimes limiting sugar can be a good decision or at least having it in moderation.   I've  been a little lazy by using the Amazing Grass instead of fresh veggies, but I also eat cooked veggies and salads in addition to the smoothies.  Others posted on that supergreen thread I started last year that using the veggies from scratch might be healthier.  I think Matrix talked about adding sweet potato and kale.  A book I read said to add stabilized rice bran to the smoothies, some type of super food (I get at Bob's Red Mill online) but others may wish to avoid grains... It's good to experiment.  I've tried a few new foods in the last year, including kale and brussel sprouts.  Just can't seem to go back to collard greens, after being forced to eat them when I lived in England.  Hello SweetPepper.  Good to see you're feeling much better and congrats on your one year off .  I'm glad you and all of you buddies are hanging in there and feeling good about your recovery progress.

 

Best wishes and Happy Sunday!

 

Vertigo

[[An...]]

Hi Vertigo

 

I was thrilled to read a post from you and also to learn a little bit more of the background to your benzo decline.

 

Please don't abandon us completely!  Benzoland seems a more secure place when you are around! Maybe pop in from time to time if you can.  It is obviously up to you and if you feel it is best to break links with BB obviously we understand.  One day I hope to be away too.

 

Thanks again for the reassurance.  In fact I printed off an old thread yesterday from 2010 in which you had quite a lot of input on stress-related symptoms after 6 months.  It was great to see that the only familiar name in that thread was yours so all the others must have healed and are living life hopefully.

 

Thanks again for popping back and taking time to respond. Keep well.

 

Angel

 

[[ro...]]

Hi Hope:

 

How are you feeling today?  I know you've been slammed with your recent trip that probably set off huge WD stuff.

 

I think that the 5-6 months post recovery point brings some huge resurgence of WD sxs for some benzo peeps.  Month 5 for me was equivalent to the first few months off benzos.  Month 6 has been much better though.

 

It appears you are trying to plan for another trip?  Hopefully, you will fare much better without the WD stuff kicking up.  I want to get away too -- I am not sure yet if I can. 

 

Keep me posted,

Rocko

P.S.  I sure hope we can keep this post going.  So many here need it -- Thank you Mtmimi for the informative articles on hormones!!  I've been off BHRT for over two years and I do think it helped me with my taper by being off the hormones.

[[wi...]]

Okay, Vertigo... I keep thinking I've missed the last time you will read this, so I don't post to you.  In case you continue to "lurk," I will go ahead.

 

Thank you for your information, support and encouragement.  I am so thankful that this thread was here when I finally took my last dose and got hit hard with withdrawal.  I was under the false impression that the worst was behind me in the long hard taper.  This thread helped me normalize what was happening to me so I could move on without panic.  I had thought the symptoms I experienced the first two times I went off were the result of cold turkey.  Now I know they are just the symptoms of withdrawal.

 

I am heeding your warning on traveling in the first three months, but I have also pushed myself even in this first month off to do some "normal" things just because of your encouragement here.  I really have lost 12 years of my life, so it is strange to re-enter life.  I find that just thinking I am back to myself and moving forward with low risk activities shows me I can do more than I would have thought.  Each success builds confidence.  I am surprised at how much I can do even though I don't feel well.  There is an element of "mind over matter" in moving forward.

 

Again, thank you!!  My best to you for a peace-filled, full and meaningful life.  Your contribution here has been invaluable! 

[[ve...]]

Hi Vertigo. I was thrilled to read a post from you and also to learn a little bit more of the background to your benzo decline.Please don't abandon us completely!  Benzoland seems a more secure place when you are around! Maybe pop in from time to time if you can.  It is obviously up to you and if you feel it is best to break links with BB obviously we understand.  One day I hope to be away too. Thanks again for the reassurance.  In fact I printed off an old thread yesterday from 2010 in which you had quite a lot of input on stress-related symptoms after 6 months.  It was great to see that the only familiar name in that thread was yours so all the others must have healed and are living life hopefully.Thanks again for popping back and taking time to respond. Keep well.

Angel

 

Hi Angel.  Many thanks for your kind comments.  Now you've got me curious about which thread I posted on stress related symptoms.  I'm glad that most of the buddies on that thread have moved on.  It is true that I've found that stress impacts symptoms in a variety of ways.  I'm not just talking about the stress in life but also physiological stress as in eating the "wrong foods", too much sugar, alcohol... At about 7 and 8 months off, it was summer 2010 and I think I felt like I was healed and could handle some alcohol in moderation and also ate poorly (which may not be uncommon when one travels).  So I had that setback at 9 months when I returned from summer holiday (as I think the Brits put it ).  Anyway, had some elevated blood pressure, some cog fog and just not feeling right at that time.  To be sure, there was also stress going on in terms of my father's cancer, a disruptive sibling and so forth, but I think I overdid the spirits and sugary treats.  It's one thing to be six months off and being very careful to eat right and take care of oneself, and as some of you have said, staying home for the most part.  I remember in those first couple of  months, I didn't want to go out socially much and my wife wanted to have friends over and I was reluctant.  I wondered if they would notice my cog fog or how difficult it was to keep up with group conversations at times.  Ultimately if one was a social drinker or likes to have a bit of fun on holiday, splurge a little with good food and desserts even if not imbibing, one may find some s/x creep up.  Heck, even without the benzo thing, I think it's normal to have a reaction to overdoing it a bit on holiday.  Anyway, a year later when we returned from summer travel this past summer, I also had a bit of a let down for a few weeks but it wasn't as "bad" as that first year at 9 months off.  I think everyone must decide themselves how soon it is to really get back to one's former habits and whether they make sense at all.  For me, I wanted to resume travel and have an occasional glass of wine.  Others may choose to abstain. How's your mother doing by the way?

 

Best ,

 

Vertigo

[[ve...]]

Okay, Vertigo... I keep thinking I've missed the last time you will read this, so I don't post to you.  In case you continue to "lurk," I will go ahead.Thank you for your information, support and encouragement.  I am so thankful that this thread was here when I finally took my last dose and got hit hard with withdrawal.  I was under the false impression that the worst was behind me in the long hard taper.  This thread helped me normalize what was happening to me so I could move on without panic.  I had thought the symptoms I experienced the first two times I went off were the result of cold turkey.  Now I know they are just the symptoms of withdrawal.I am heeding your warning on traveling in the first three months, but I have also pushed myself even in this first month off to do some "normal" things just because of your encouragement here.  I really have lost 12 years of my life, so it is strange to re-enter life.  I find that just thinking I am back to myself and moving forward with low risk activities shows me I can do more than I would have thought.  Each success builds confidence.  I am surprised at how much I can do even though I don't feel well.  There is an element of "mind over matter" in moving forward. Again, thank you!!  My best to you for a peace-filled, full and meaningful life.  Your contribution here has been invaluable! 

 

Hi Wish.  Yep, still lurking. I guess the 2 year mark being this week has kept my mind on forum and couldn't resist making a few more posts .  It is tough to c/t this forum as one of you said!  Anyway, thank you for the positive feedback.  I am glad that some of my posts encouraged you to challenge yourself and press on despite your pain.  A book By Joanne Dahl might be helpful to some of you who have had longer periods of chronic pain.  It's called "Living with Chronic Pain" and is written by an ACT therapist from Sweden, I believe.  Also by the same author, "Living Beyond your Pain", available on Amazon. I've not read either one but have read several books on ACT therapy which have helped.  Anyway, I want to clarify the comment about travel. I had no choice but to fly both during my taper and a month after and every three to four months since then.  I'm not saying that others can not do so at a month or two off.  Circumstances might require it.  I'm only saying that if one can delay extensive travel, it can be helpful in the healing process in those 2 months off.  On the other hand, there is a balance of not avoiding things that might challenge us and so we each have to decide when the timing is right.  As I mentioned in the previous post to Angel, I felt like it was time to have some wine in moderation at about 8 months and apparently it was a little too soon or maybe I had too much over that month while traveling in summer 2010.  We might each have a definition of what "normal" is or was.  I've always said that I don't want to "get back" to how things were before benzos but rather have evolved into something better. Things were not entirely "normal" when I first took that valium in 2008.  I was not sleeping well and had a lot of anxiety from family dynamics and a sick parent who miraculously has now survived over 5 years with terminal chronic  leukemia. But having a sick parent weighs on you and it also pushes buttons about one's own mortality.  This whole benzo ordeal has made me aware of how vulnerable I was and how precious good health can be.  I am sorry that you feel you have "lost" 12 years of your life.  I think part of recovery is in accepting that past and learning to put some sort of positive perspective on it.  Maybe what you learned will help you make the next twelve years better than they might have been otherwise.  I agree that there can be an element of "mind over matter" in the healing process.  Another expression I've found useful is "fake it til you make it". Sometimes we just can't sit at home and wait for the perfect moment or when we'll feel completely well or healed to get back out there.  I'm glad you've found that you can challenge yourself and build confidence accordingly.  Ultimately, I think it's true that if we can find some meaning in all this, it helps.

 

Continued healing ,

 

Vertigo

[[Ho...]]

Hi Vertigo - I wrote you a long post yesterday but yet I don't see it here on this site - perhaps I put it on your blog.  Anyway - glad to see that you are still lurking and check back with us some times.  I just wanted to say THANK YOU to you for all your support to me along the way.  Your advice, thoughts and encouragement were always helpful. 

    I had a pretty big setback in July and August and your thoughts and advice helped me to think about things in a different way.  I so appreciate it.  I am now 14 months off, in a bad wave, but have had more frequent windows so I hope that continues.  I wanted to tell you that there is a great link on the Anxiety board which explains anxiety is such a way that has helped me.  I don't know how it pertains to anxiety in w/d but has lots of clear, concise and good advice on how to deal with it. 

    Anyway Verti - just so thankful that we shared part of this journey together and I wish you a wonderful life ahead with days filled with peace of mind.  Courage and peace to you as you deal with your father's illness.  Thank you so much again!

Love

Hoping2BFree

[[An...]]

Hi again Vertigo

 

Thanks again for the  kind words and hope you inspire.  I just want to wake up one morning and feel WELL !!  That is all I ask - I am so sick of feeling under par.

 

The thread was one entitled 'Stress Induced Setback at 6 months - in need of some support today' from around May 2010.  I think we all know the answers but we just need to be reassured again .... and again .... and again!  My husband is really great but am sure he is getting fed up.  I do leave articles like the one I just mentioned lying around and it seems to have worked, I think he HAS read some of them and got a better understanding of all this.

 

My Mum is the same - I speak to her daily.  Will report in this thread how my trip goes (if I make it, but I really am going to try and go and get over this phobia)  If it goes well and doesn't throw me back to hell again as in the past 2 occasions I will be over the moon.  But I can see that it is pretty normal if it does.

 

Btw am hoping to meet up with Ilana (Struggle) in Israel at the end of this year.  I think I remember you on her blog although she hasn't updated it for a long while now.

 

Take care

 

Angel xx

[[wi...]]

Vertigo,

I oversimplified when I said I'd "lost" 12 years of my life.  I was really thinking of the feeling of just going through life and not really living it that I experienced during the benzo years.  I am shocked and overjoyed that already I have more of a sense of living my life at one month off, than I'd thought would be possible so soon.  It gives me much hope.

 

In terms of the positive aspect of this journey... I agree.  I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.  I don't want to ever do anything like this again and wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but wouldn't trade what it has produced in me.  I never want to go back to the life I had before clonazepam.  I have grown and changed through the horrible experiences of the past two years of withdrawal in ways I didn't know I could.  Life is a continuous journey and this part of it has contributed significantly to the uniqueness of who I am and will become.  I am better off for having lived through this trial.  There is a verse in the Bible that I had never understood or had much use for, but I understand it now.  It says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope.  I have persevered beyond what I ever thought I could, I am stronger than I thought I was, my character has changed for the better, the really important pieces of life are more clearly defined, and I have hope in the midst of adversity.  It is a much better way to live.

 

I surely want the recovery to come as quickly as possible, but realize that 2 or 3 years isn't much when 12 years went by so fast.

 

I'm "faking it 'til I make it," 

 

Wish

[[ve...]]

Vertigo,

I oversimplified when I said I'd "lost" 12 years of my life.  I was really thinking of the feeling of just going through life and not really living it that I experienced during the benzo years.  I am shocked and overjoyed that already I have more of a sense of living my life at one month off, than I'd thought would be possible so soon.  It gives me much hope.In terms of the positive aspect of this journey... I agree.  I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.  I don't want to ever do anything like this again and wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but wouldn't trade what it has produced in me.  I never want to go back to the life I had before clonazepam.  I have grown and changed through the horrible experiences of the past two years of withdrawal in ways I didn't know I could.  Life is a continuous journey and this part of it has contributed significantly to the uniqueness of who I am and will become.  I am better off for having lived through this trial.  There is a verse in the Bible that I had never understood or had much use for, but I understand it now.  It says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope.  I have persevered beyond what I ever thought I could, I am stronger than I thought I was, my character has changed for the better, the really important pieces of life are more clearly defined, and I have hope in the midst of adversity.  It is a much better way to live.

I surely want the recovery to come as quickly as possible, but realize that 2 or 3 years isn't much when 12 years went by so fast.I'm "faking it 'til I make it,"  

Wish

 

Hi Wish, Angel, Hoping2bfree and all post benzo pepes. I'm glad to read that at one month out, you are getting back into your life, Wish.  There is a book by one of the founders of ACT therapy (Steven Hayes) called "Get out of your mind, Get back in your life" or something like that.  I agree with you that although I wouldn't wish this on anyone either, there have been some learning experiences which have built character and had a positive impact.

 

Angel, I do understand wanting to wake up and feel well. It is frustrating to watch weeks turn into months and months turn into a year and possibly beyond, and still not feel "100%".  Yes, it can be difficult for a spouse to not wonder why it's taking so long and why one would be spending so much time on forum... A few days ago my 12 year old son asked me what Benzobuddies was?  At first I was a bit horrified, but then I decided to be honest.  I told him that a few years ago before our big trip to Europe and Israel, I thought I needed some medicine to help me sleep... explained how after I finished that medication, I stayed on to help some others this past year.  I told him I've decided to step away and not spend time here and his answer surprised me.  He said "Dad, why don't you just check it once a week for fifteen minutes".  Smart kid.  You know, there have been several times in the last year where we were going to dinner or somewhere else and I held them up because I was in the middle of a post to this forum .  It wasn't fair to my family though, and I think now that it's open even to my son, I can feel more comfortable checking in once in a while.  However, my wife has been getting on my case a little this past month or so when she's seen me on forum and I have told her that I'm going to be stepping away for the most part. Glad your mum is doing ok.  I used to feel guilty if I didn't speak to my dad every day but now that he has caregivers, I feel more comfortable calling less frequently.  It really put a lot of pressure on me for many years, can be very emotionally and physically draining.  I hope your trip goes well.  There is no doubt that returning home to visit one's parent can be very challenging, particularly if they are ill or in some form of decline.  Keep us posted.  Give Ilana a hug for me if you see her in Haifa.  I've not seen her post recently either.

 

Many thanks for your post Hoping2Bfree.  I'm not sure where you posted but I closed my blog last Spring after I wrote my "success story" at 18 months.  No new posts are allowed there as the thread was locked although it can still be read.  It probably has faded to page 10 or beyond in the Buddy Blog section of forum.  Maybe you posted to some other thread I started in another section of forum?  Anyway, I'm sorry to say that this is the only thread I regularly check now.  I occasionally post to some of the other threads or blogs, but it's really slowed down since summer. Thanks for the tip on the Anxiety Board.  I'll check it out.  Hope your healing continues into the new year.  At 14 to 15 months, I had quite a bit of anxiety and experienced what I hope was a "final setback" after we got the new puppy.  Things really turned in months 16-18 and I wish you the same.  Peace and happiness to you as well .

 

[[Ma...]]

Hello everyone,

I am 2 months benzo free. Just read first post and sounds interesting.

I am happy to help if I can somehow and hope to get some help and advices.

Take care

 

Marry

[[An...]]

Welcome to this thread Marry. It is a wonderful one started by Vertigo who is not so involved now (alas).

 

How are you feeling now Marry?  I was so upset for you the other day and I really hope things are easing slightly.

 

2 months off is still quite a tough time.

 

Vertigo: I know what you mean about pulling back from BB.  My husband has suggested it so many times but what he doesn't understand is that it has been my lifeline for support for 6 months and I still need that support unfortunately.  I also like to help others further behind me when I can.  Once I am fully-recovered I will review the situation. But, like you, I feel this is not some 'cyber site'. Yes we may be 'cyber friends' but we are all sharing similar suffering and understand each other more than our family and 'real friends' can.  Mine keep expecting me to be better now.

 

Still suffering awful morning and daytime anxiety Ugh!  Will it ever go?  Fatigue, breathing difficulties and general malaise.  I so want to be able to deal with my 2 forthcoming trips without too many repercussions.  It has been an effort just to get to the hairdressers today!

 

Angel

[[...]]

Hello BB's!

 

I'm a bit of a lurker, but have posted here a few times. I'm having a rough go of it the last 4 days (today is day 5). I was doing soooo well. Tomorrow is my 3 month off anniversary. I had a few lingering sxs, head pressure, constant fatigue, insomnia (comes in waves) general apathetic feeling, etc. All have decreased though in intensity and frequency.

 

This past Friday however it all changed. I've been hit with a wave and sxs I haven't seen since March! I wake with heart pounding anxiety, had DR yesterday in the store (could hardly believe it was happening), insomnia, etc.

 

I guess I was hop9ing that I was doing so well I might avoid the dreaded 4 month sxs slam...guess I wasn't so lucky.

 

What makes it all worse is that we are leaving for Key West tomorrow until Monday for a wedding. I am not sure if the stress and anxiety of the trip has caused the flare or is just contributing to something that was going to happen anyway and intensifying it.

 

I always knew there were going to be setbacks, just wasn't expecting the intensity of it. I was considering myself about 85-90% healed until this mess.

 

I keep waking up each day hoping it will be over - this wave anyway.

 

So upset and discouraged over this. Ugh.

[[gi...]]

Hi Amy,

 

Hate to see you're in the "4 month slam" mode. I know it all too well! (Mine was actually months 3-6.) Rest assured that it will pass. It probably won't be tomorrow but it will happen.  My opinion is that you were probably going to get it anyway, but I bet that part of the intensity has to do with your impending trip.

 

I still amp up considerably when I get ready for long trips.  I got got slammed in September when I was preparing for a 16 1/2 hour nonstop flight - and I'm almost 3 years out!

 

Practice deep breathing, stay away from caffeine and sugar, and if your anxiety is really bad, try l-theanine for it. It might not work, you could have a reaction to it (as with any supplement), or it could work, like it does for many of us, myself included.  Try it at night or when you're not going anywhere in case it knocks you out. It doesn't knock me out but it affects my husband like that, so you never know until you try.

 

I've done a lot of traveling, starting at 5 months out. I had terrible d/r and anxiety, but managed to navigate airports, car rentals and driving. Just take it easy, take it slow, and be grateful you have your husband to help you along!

 

hang in there -

 

ginger

[[Li...]]

Vertigo, that sounds like a pretty wise kid you've raised. And open and accepting. Well done!

 

Libby