Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[An...]]

Ilana. Welcome back!  What a nice surprise!

 

No, it's not that bad - am okay. I tend to use this board as a record.

 

Ilana - how was your trip?  Where were you?  Was it very strenuous?  Write on your blog or email me for catch-up.

 

Love u

Angel

[[st...]]

Thanks Sally, I will email you tomorrow and tell you all about it. 

 

 

 

:smitten:  Ilana.

[[ve...]]

Dammit!  Feeling ill today - nerves revved up since yesterday and I KNEW I shouldn't have had that delicious cafe latte in a Spanish bar today!  It really is not a myth - coffee REVS me up. In the scheme of things, I am coping but in a minor wave I guess.

Just venting!  Sorry.

Angel

 

No need to apologize, Angel.  Venting is what this thread is here for .

 

Vertigo

[[An...]]

Thanks Vertigo . It's funny, I find that the following day after a bad one, I feel much better.  Am feeling great today.

[[ro...]]

Hi All:

 

I am almost 5 months off and feel like I am going off the cliff.  Last week, sleep issues plus the heatups and "prickly" feelings in the early a.m.  This week, much more of the same and I feel like I am worse than last week. 

 

Some emotional situations have occurred.  Our neighbor's son had a spat with his girlfriend and went out for a walk in our back open space.  He hung himself that nite.  He was to start his junior year of high school the next day.  We went to his funeral on Wednesday.  I feel devastated as we watched this young toddler grow up in our neighborhood, and so very sad for his parents and two younger sisters. 

 

On top of that, I have a new granbaby due by C section arrival on Sept 14th.  I want to be in tip top shape, but right now I'm feeling pretty low.  The nitetime sxs have increased - trouble falling asleep, feeling hot, sleep for 3 hrs. or so, wake up and the wave comes again.  Feel hot, and then prickly feelings and can't get back to sleep.  My saving grace is that I have been able to nap in the afternoon. 

 

Geez, this week it feels like my benzo recovery is coming to a screeching stop.  Help!  Vertigo; your words are always so reassuring to me.  Did you have a bad slump like I am having?  Did you weather through and pull out?

 

Thanks for reading this posting and for the supportive feedback.

Rocko

[Guest [Pf...]]

I am just approaching my fourth month off -- September 6 will be the anniversary.

 

What I am experiencing seems to be what a lot of people experience in terms of length and intensity of withdrawal in this period.  And if so, I am a bit more optimistic.  Here is what my experience is and those who are at this point or further along please comment:

 

After I stopped things were better than I expected (I had stopped before but ran into such bad symptoms that I reinstated).  This time, for the first month I was relatively OK with some situational symptoms like sensitivity to certain types of lighting.  Sleep was not ideal, but it was not enough of a concern that I thought much about it.  And the worst of my symptoms were such that I thought I will be able to manage fine and do whatever I want and over time things will eventually get better -- however long it takes, things are not so uncomfortable that I will think much about it.  One notable thing was that my s/xs were situational to the extent that if I was at home, I never had any problem.  Also, I would say my symptoms in this first month to 6 or 7 weeks out were at a level that I was thinking "When will I feel it is OK to drink alcohol and not have a setback"  (I haven't done so, but I point this out to show that my symptoms were minor enough that I started thinking about starting to do some of the things that I had given up.  I did start drinking coffee in this period, and for the most part, didn't have too much trouble.  With alcohol, I decided I wouldn't even think about it until at least the end of the calendar year).

 

Then at about the 7 week mark I had a set back.  I still was OK around the house, but the situational s/x were enough that I often had to leave the place I was and head home.  I even cancelled a business trip to NY.  After this wave passed, I had another window.  I was still having symptoms if I pressed myself, but was able to function and take a long road trip that involved business and was thinking:  "I'm doing pretty well here."  I did have situational s/xs ,but they generally passed in a short period.

 

Then just before my 3 month mark, I got hit hard again.  This time the symptoms were bad enough that even in my own house I was having trouble.  There were times where I couldn't sit and work on the computer or even sit up.  And the intense portion of the waves would last a long time.  The difference from the better periods after I had stopped was this:  Even when I had bad symptoms before, the worst that would happen would be that I would have to limit or stop and activity.  I knew that if I got home, I would be fine and that I could sleep adequately at night.  During this bad period, I remember thinking that I was in so much discomfort, that there might be nothing I can do to make this stop or to sleep and then I might need to reinstate.  I also woke up one night in the middle of the night and had some much weakness on my left-side that didn't resolve for long-enough that I went to the ER.  I had had this before but it had been a while and this time it was over a larger portion of my body -- arms, legs and face -- and lasted longer.  And at the ER everything was fine.

 

Now that I am approaching my fourth month, this is what I am finding.  On one hand, I am less intrepid than when I first was off b/c I have found that symptoms that I thought were over can come back.  But in terms of the waves, what I am finding is that I have symptoms of the order and type that I have had before, but less intense.  I think that this is a good sign.  Windows are great.  But with this, I'm thinking that even when I have a wave it is less intense and shorter lasting.

 

The other thing that I can say about s/x is something I've seen with others.  When they are really in a good spot they do not come here as often.  And I am the same way.  And will probably be even more so if I really get feeling good for a while.  It is not that I don't want to be helpful, and I expect that I will try to come back periodically.  It is just that the benzo experience can become one's who existence at times, that when one can get away from it, one does not even want to think about it.  So I think one measure of intensity of s/xs for some people is how frequently they visit this board.

 

Some others seem to say that they were pretty good at first, then got surprised by what happened in the second and third months and then starting around month four they reached a very good point and haven't gone back to the really bad stuff, and that whatever setbacks they had after this were more manageable.  Is this just wishful thinking , or am I reading other people's experiences correctly.

 

P.S. I know some people have been doing much worse than this at this time off -- symptoms bad all the time etc.  I am sorry to hear that.  I know the frustration that comes with thinking"  "If only I were at that point, I could manage" 

 

[[Ma...]]

Hey guys. I'm approaching 17 months off and well, it's a helleva haul but things are getting better. I can now work out 4 days/week minimum, amazing, lost all the weight I gained, good good, still have lots of sxs that come and go depending on stress and hormone levels (I haven't the slightest doubt that being a woman in perimenopause makes things outrageously more difficult), have yet to be sxs free, but I have had moments, glimpses of the forest for the trees and it's a pretty and welcome sight. Need to have a surgical procedure for which there will be a local and that scares me as I'm sensitive to taking anything, but there's nothing I can do so, I'll have to think good thoughts. It might be just fine. It was so incredibly awful getting off, I never thought I would get here. I'm one of those people for whom it's going to take a long time. I have three c/ts under my belt and years of wd, anything quick would have been a miracle, but it's better.

There is hope!!

m

[[ve...]]

Hi All:I am almost 5 months off and feel like I am going off the cliff.  Last week, sleep issues plus the heatups and "prickly" feelings in the early a.m.  This week, much more of the same and I feel like I am worse than last week.  

Some emotional situations have occurred.  Our neighbor's son had a spat with his girlfriend and went out for a walk in our back open space.  He hung himself that nite.  He was to start his junior year of high school the next day.  We went to his funeral on Wednesday.  I feel devastated as we watched this young toddler grow up in our neighborhood, and so very sad for his parents and two younger sisters.  On top of that, I have a new granbaby due by C section arrival on Sept 14th.  I want to be in tip top shape, but right now I'm feeling pretty low.  The nitetime sxs have increased - trouble falling asleep, feeling hot, sleep for 3 hrs. or so, wake up and the wave comes again.  Feel hot, and then prickly feelings and can't get back to sleep.  My saving grace is that I have been able to nap in the afternoon.  Geez, this week it feels like my benzo recovery is coming to a screeching stop.  Help!  Vertigo; your words are always so reassuring to me.  Did you have a bad slump like I am having?  Did you weather through and pull out?Thanks for reading this posting and for the supportive feedback.

Rocko

 

Hi Rocko.  So sorry to read of your neighbor's child commiting suicide.  My goodness, that would put me over the edge to have to go to a funeral and having withdrawal to deal with at the same time. Those poor parents. Such a tragedy for everyone.  Just having to be around people, let alone under those sad circumstances could probably contribute to a setback of sorts.

 

I remember when I was just at about four months off, my wife wanted to travel to her home state and attend a pretty big wedding of her cousin.  I felt like it would be a good challenge and I was glad that I made the trip.  There were a few pre wedding events to attend too, but I felt like it made me stronger in the end.  Ultimately a part of healing, I think, is when we can think less of ourselves and our "withdrawal" symptoms, lack of sleep or whatever the issue of the day might be that is more intense than the rest, and to just get out and think of supporting other folks in whatever way we can, regardless of how crappy we might be feeling. Sometimes, just getting outdoors in a different environment will distract one from the benzo complaints.  Yes, one will occasionally be reminded when a sudden brief wave or nerve burning or tingling comes up or perhaps a cog fog "senior moment", but I find that we can press on and just do the best we can with what we've got.

 

I'm not saying one ought to get out and do more than one can handle, especially in the early weeks or month off the benzo.  But at about 2 or 3 months, one can start to venture out into some territory that may have been more fearful or which one might have been avoiding.  For example, I didn't really want to go out with too many of our friends to socialize after I got Shingles six weeks after my taper ended.  After a couple months, my wife wanted to invite some friends to the house.  I reluctantly agreed and although I was at times self conscious about whether anyone noticed that I was at times feeling a little cog foggy, it was a good first step.  By taking that trip at 4 months off, I achieved another hurdle of getting back on the horse (plane in this case ) and just dealing with the situation.  

 

By the same token, I think you are going to be just fine when your precious grandchild is born.   You've still got a couple of weeks to get over this current wave.  You're right. It's a blessing to be able to catch a nap if you have not slept well at night.  Do you have air conditioning in your home?  Perhaps you could turn it down a bit until you've caught up on some sleep or alternatively maybe try a fan by your bedside.  I know one member said that the low noise of the fan helped her to sleep, that it was somewhat calming.  I had a handyman who once said he put a cold washcloth on his face in bed and that cooled him down and slept like a lamb.  

 

 You don't need to be in "tip top" shape before the baby arrives, Rocko. Just be in the shape that God will provide.  You will do the best you can which is all you can hope for.  Let go a bit and as they sometimes say, Let God.   Sometimes acceptance opens up doors.  If you accept that you are currently having trouble with sleep but don't try to get all upset about it, might help.  Maybe try to let it be and think of some other things when you lay your head on the pillow, maybe about that new grandchild (of course you might have a fleeting thought that you won't be any good to her/him if you can't sleep"  ) which is a normal thought too.  Bring it back to something else, how you are going to enjoy the baby and watch her/him grow up. Maybe you might then think of your own childhood or some other baby you know or what it was like when your daughter was a baby.  Just let the thoughts flow and if you think about sleep or not sleeping, accept those thoughts too and thank your mind for those thoughts.  You might enjoy the book "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris.  Some good advice about defusing thoughts and mindfulness in that book.  

 

God Bless,

 

V

[[ve...]]

Hi Pfeff.  Wow, so many folks seem to be right in the 3-5 months off phase.  Sounds like you have a very good attitude with regards to your recovery this time.  Glad you didn't need to reinstate.  If it were to happen, as you know, it would have likely been in the first month or so.  

 

As for alcohol, I've posted a few times about my opinions on this.  I partook too soon (about a month after taper).  Then I did have some wine at the wedding I mentioned in my last post to Rocko, at 4 months off.  I seemed to do ok but wish I had waited to about six months.  At about six and seven months off, it was summer (2010)and I did have a couple glasses of wine on a few occasions while traveling.  I also was not eating too well, not exercising and some other stresses going on with my father's health that led to a bit of a setback for me at about 8 months off.  Like you said, if you go into this knowing that a setback may occur but that it will pass, it can be easier to deal with.  Alternatively, if your mindset is that once you start to feel good for a few weeks that it's all going to be good, then one can be disappointed when something stressful comes up that sends you backwards for a few days or a week. I think if one is going to experiment with a glass of wine or two, one needs to be in a safe setting, not have to drive, preferable have a supportive friend or family member nearby. I also tried to avoid hard liquor the first year.  I only recently had a martini at about 18 months off.  Everyone can decide themselves what the best timing might be.  Some are better off abstaining for a year or indefinitely.  I personally also measure my ultimate "healing" as being able to have some alcohol on occasion and not "worry" too much about it impacting things in some major way.  Before benzos, I sometimes would get blue a couple days after having a few drinks. I can't have more than about two to three drinks (both before benzos and now).  If more than that, I end up with cog fog and just not worth it to me to go beyond  my limit.  

 

I can relate to your comments about a measure of healing having to do with how often one is on this board or other benzo sites. I personally found it to be helpful to me to be able to post my progress and share with some other buddies, in the first six months to a year or so.  I started this thread when I was about three months off.  I used to have a personal blog but closed it a few months ago when I wrote my "success story" at 18 months.  I mostly visit the board now to help out a few folks.  I sometimes post something about some minor issue I might have.  I'm at about 90% most days.  Still have a couple things to work out, some of which were around before benzos.  The CNS can take a while to heal, particularly if you had any complications such as multiple times on and off the benzo or in my case, getting Shingles really set my nervous system back last January.  My nerves were hit by a one/two punch of the valium taper and then the shingles virus. Others have had other things like hormonal stuff with thyroid or birth control, other health issues like chronic fatigue or perhaps something else...a I've heard a few folks post that the fibromyalgia was misdiagnosed so it may be a good idea to get second opinions, particularly if a doctor is trying to push more medications at you when it may be a normal part of recovery to be anxious or blue for a few months.   I think it's important to have regular check ups in the first year or two to make sure other health problems are managed appropriately.   I do agree that a forum can become a kind of second addiction .  No doubt it is helpful for some to move on and not spend as much time here.  Others find that they want to pay it forward once they have healed.  

 

Best,

 

Vertigo

[[ve...]]

Hey guys. I'm approaching 17 months off and well, it's a helleva haul but things are getting better. I can now work out 4 days/week minimum, amazing, lost all the weight I gained, good good, still have lots of sxs that come and go depending on stress and hormone levels (I haven't the slightest doubt that being a woman in perimenopause makes things outrageously more difficult), have yet to be sxs free, but I have had moments, glimpses of the forest for the trees and it's a pretty and welcome sight. Need to have a surgical procedure for which there will be a local and that scares me as I'm sensitive to taking anything, but there's nothing I can do so, I'll have to think good thoughts. It might be just fine. It was so incredibly awful getting off, I never thought I would get here. I'm one of those people for whom it's going to take a long time. I have three c/ts under my belt and years of wd, anything quick would have been a miracle, but it's better.

There is hope!!

m

 

Hey Marina.  Great to see you post an update.  I think you're right about it being tougher with hormonal stuff to go through.  I thought my testosterone might be a little low and tried MACA herb and did not react well in the end so got off it a couple weeks ago. Seemed to be creating some blues.  Initially I think it might have helped with energy while I was traveling last month but then all good things come to an end, eh?  Kind of like the valium helping with my trip to Europe three years ago (in terms of sleep and jet lag, reducing anxiety...), but what a high price to pay for a few weeks of fun .  I probably need to have a minor surgical procedure in the next year too and will be careful about the anesthesia.  I think I have decided on Propofol for the colonoscopy even though I've heard some folks reported doing ok with Versed.  Well, glad things are going pretty well for you at 17 months.  Perhaps a success story is not too far down the road?

 

Vertigo

[[gi...]]

I am just approaching my fourth month off -- September 6 will be the anniversary.

 

What I am experiencing seems to be what a lot of people experience in terms of length and intensity of withdrawal in this period.  And if so, I am a bit more optimistic.  Here is what my experience is and those who are at this point or further along please comment:

 

After I stopped things were better than I expected (I had stopped before but ran into such bad symptoms that I reinstated).  This time, for the first month I was relatively OK with some situational symptoms like sensitivity to certain types of lighting.  Sleep was not ideal, but it was not enough of a concern that I thought much about it.  And the worst of my symptoms were such that I thought I will be able to manage fine and do whatever I want and over time things will eventually get better -- however long it takes, things are not so uncomfortable that I will think much about it.  One notable thing was that my s/xs were situational to the extent that if I was at home, I never had any problem.  Also, I would say my symptoms in this first month to 6 or 7 weeks out were at a level that I was thinking "When will I feel it is OK to drink alcohol and not have a setback"  (I haven't done so, but I point this out to show that my symptoms were minor enough that I started thinking about starting to do some of the things that I had given up.  I did start drinking coffee in this period, and for the most part, didn't have too much trouble.  With alcohol, I decided I wouldn't even think about it until at least the end of the calendar year).

 

Then at about the 7 week mark I had a set back.  I still was OK around the house, but the situational s/x were enough that I often had to leave the place I was and head home.  I even cancelled a business trip to NY.  After this wave passed, I had another window.  I was still having symptoms if I pressed myself, but was able to function and take a long road trip that involved business and was thinking:  "I'm doing pretty well here."  I did have situational s/xs ,but they generally passed in a short period.

 

Then just before my 3 month mark, I got hit hard again.  This time the symptoms were bad enough that even in my own house I was having trouble.  There were times where I couldn't sit and work on the computer or even sit up.  And the intense portion of the waves would last a long time.  The difference from the better periods after I had stopped was this:  Even when I had bad symptoms before, the worst that would happen would be that I would have to limit or stop and activity.  I knew that if I got home, I would be fine and that I could sleep adequately at night.  During this bad period, I remember thinking that I was in so much discomfort, that there might be nothing I can do to make this stop or to sleep and then I might need to reinstate.  I also woke up one night in the middle of the night and had some much weakness on my left-side that didn't resolve for long-enough that I went to the ER.  I had had this before but it had been a while and this time it was over a larger portion of my body -- arms, legs and face -- and lasted longer.  And at the ER everything was fine.

 

Now that I am approaching my fourth month, this is what I am finding.  On one hand, I am less intrepid than when I first was off b/c I have found that symptoms that I thought were over can come back.  But in terms of the waves, what I am finding is that I have symptoms of the order and type that I have had before, but less intense.  I think that this is a good sign.  Windows are great.  But with this, I'm thinking that even when I have a wave it is less intense and shorter lasting.

 

The other thing that I can say about s/x is something I've seen with others.  When they are really in a good spot they do not come here as often.  And I am the same way.  And will probably be even more so if I really get feeling good for a while.  It is not that I don't want to be helpful, and I expect that I will try to come back periodically.  It is just that the benzo experience can become one's who existence at times, that when one can get away from it, one does not even want to think about it.  So I think one measure of intensity of s/xs for some people is how frequently they visit this board.

 

Some others seem to say that they were pretty good at first, then got surprised by what happened in the second and third months and then starting around month four they reached a very good point and haven't gone back to the really bad stuff, and that whatever setbacks they had after this were more manageable.  Is this just wishful thinking , or am I reading other people's experiences correctly.

 

P.S. I know some people have been doing much worse than this at this time off -- symptoms bad all the time etc.  I am sorry to hear that.  I know the frustration that comes with thinking"  "If only I were at that point, I could manage" 

 

 

Hey Pfeff,

 

My 6 week taper was rough as was the following month, but I thought it wasn't nearly as bad as I had read and felt pretty cocky that everything was cool from then on out. Then at month 2 I had what can only be described as a stroke/seizure-like episode that landed me in the ER.  I got a little worse after that up to maybe 8 symptoms, but then at month 3 I got slammed with 24 simultaneously, like a freight train; while I was driving.  I spent the next 3 months in absolute living hell; writhing agony, actually.  I had many days that I called "shotgun days" - it I'd had a shotgun, I would have used it.  Things started lightening up by months 6-7, and as I slowly w/d from ambien at that point, my symptoms started to diminish.  It wasn't until a year out that I felt really good, relatively speaking. Then I had knee surgery and was on oxy for a month and then a sliver of ambien to try to shake the ambien that resulted from the oxy w/d.  The combination cause a dozen symptoms to come back. It was another 6 months before I started feeling better again.

 

Today marks 2 years 9 months since my last dose of klonopin.  I am 1000x times better than March 2009 when I entered The Gates of Hell. I have had only 5 or so windows of 100% "normalcy" in all this time, excluding  the screaming tinnitus I've had since Feb 24, 2009.  My cognition is extremely damaged. I have mild physical symptoms recur when I'm stressed. I'm more scarred emotionally than anything else, though; I will have PTSD about this forever (as I'm sure everyone here will)!  

 

85% of those who get off benzos do so with no problems. The rest walk through fire on an average of 6-18 months. An alleged 10% of those 15% continue living with benzo damage 3+ years. A few of them are here.  I reckon I'm one of them, too.

 

Congratulations on doing as well as you have in such a short amount of time!  You're one of the lucky ones.  Hang in there; no matter how bad it may get, you will survive this and you will come out better than you started. Of that I am certain!

 

ginger

 

(I think it's time I post my success story...right, V?)

 

[[ve...]]

 

ginger

 

(I think it's time I post my success story...right, V?)

 

 

Hey G.  I debated when to write my "story".  Arguably I could have written one at a year off, many folks told me I "should".  However, I wasn't comfortable based on a few stubborn symptoms that remained, despite feeling about 90%.  I ultimately waited another six months.  I don't know how long you've contemplated writing your story or what % of healing you would give yourself, nor do I know that percentages matter.   You'll know when the time is right and when you feel pretty much healed.  I am one who believes that one does not have to be 100% to write a success story.  I wasn't 100% before benzos and I don't know many people who are .  By the way, how much klonopin did you taper off of in that six weeks? I seem to recall it was about 1mg?  Just curious.  Also, would you consider your experience to have been more like an extended detox?  Scary stuff with the seizures/stroke feelings.  After my c/t off valium, the vertigo that surfaced at three weeks off, felt like a stroke. My arm went numb and I kind of fell over on the bed.

 

 

V

[[do...]]

Hi Pfeff

 

My experience was entirely different. I was hit by shaking, vomiting, suffocation and psychosis within a few days I c/t. My first two months we the worst, then the WD started lessening. However, I had such profound psychiatric symptoms that I don’t remember much.

 

It looks to me that your process is normal. I mean, you are healing.

 

[[do...]]

I deteriorated so much that cancelled the trip (I wrote about it before). Basically, all I can do is shake, shiver, nauseate – and have semi-hallucinations and anxiety.

I am in a PMS/ PMDD period now so soon I will stop Progesterone cream completely.

 

Before benzo- I would have usual PMDD-symptoms but nothing like now.

 

[[ro...]]

Hi V and all post recovering BBs:

 

I have also not wanted to stray too far away from home and remain more comfortable in my home than other place.  And socializing has been somewhat like getting a tooth filled, especially having friends over to our house for dinner.  All pieces of this nasty recovery process and GABA receptors getting back to business. 

 

V; much thanks for your thoughtful response.  I feel like I know you really well and that we could sit down together and have a very long discussion about benzos and other daily life challenges. 

 

You're absolutely spot on -- I do view sleep as a necessity for performing the next day.  And that does throw me into a nose dive if I am committed to something that I not sure I will be able to do.  But even on some little sleep days, I have been pushing myself to meet the commitments made.  I know I do feel good about functioning on those days.  And I try not to get too concerned when I can't fall asleep - I have learned to accept the uncertainties. 

 

Stressful events - who doesn't have them recovering through months and months of taper and post taper.  They really knock us backwards.  I am glad I found this site to learn about the benzo recovery process as a whole -- some months better than others; then down again.  If I were to go see a doc right now, I'm sure I would be diagnosed with some anxiety disorder (as in the past) and have a benzo script when I walked out. 

 

I have kept a daily journal through all this and it really helps me keep my perspective.  I will include the following in my progress log for this week but I found my correlating sxs for months April through August to be an "eye opener" for the highs and lows:

 

April (jumped 4/8/11) = 12 nites with heatups; 14 nites of <5 hrs. sleep.

May (month 1 off) = 8 nites with heatups; 11 nites of <5 hrs. sleep.

June (month 2 off) = 3 nites with heatups; 9 nites of <5 hrs. sleep.

July ( month 3 off) = 3 nites with heatups; 6 nites of <5 hrs. sleep.

Aug. (month 4 off) = 9 nites with heatups; 9 nites of <5 hts. sleep.  August is second to worsening sxs; after April!!

 

Nites with heatups also include sxs like jaw pain, restlessness, racing thoughts, tinnitus.  Occasional benzorrhea and nausea the next day.  Fatigue has improved!

 

Does anyone else have the heatup/insominia correlation?  Just curious. 

 

Love to hear how other post benzo BBs are doing.  We need all the support we can get to get through.  Thanks Ginger, Doublewave, Marina, and Pfeff. 

 

Vertigo - big bear hug from me to you!   I so want to let go and let God take the wheel.  Michele O'Bama's little piece of advice:  If you steer the ship too hard, you will break the wheel.  Love It - Love her.

 

GBYAB!

Rocko

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[gi...]]

 

ginger

 

(I think it's time I post my success story...right, V?)

 

 

Hey G.  I debated when to write my "story".  Arguably I could have written one at a year off, many folks told me I "should".  However, I wasn't comfortable based on a few stubborn symptoms that remained, despite feeling about 90%.  I ultimately waited another six months.  I don't know how long you've contemplated writing your story or what % of healing you would give yourself, nor do I know that percentages matter.   You'll know when the time is right and when you feel pretty much healed.  I am one who believes that one does not have to be 100% to write a success story.  I wasn't 100% before benzos and I don't know many people who are .  By the way, how much klonopin did you taper off of in that six weeks? I seem to recall it was about 1mg?  Just curious.  Also, would you consider your experience to have been more like an extended detox?  Scary stuff with the seizures/stroke feelings.  After my c/t off valium, the vertigo that surfaced at three weeks off, felt like a stroke. My arm went numb and I kind of fell over on the bed.

 

 

V

 

Hi V -

 

i went ahead and posted. I'd been thinking about if for about a year, ever since people started telling me I should.  I was waitng for full healing, but I know that's not going to happen now. So I guess for me what ultimately did it was just feeling like I could finally let go. Does that make sense?

 

I went off 1mg over 6 wks. I've never done detox so I don't know what that's like. I think it was more like a c/t than anything!  What you felt at 3 weeks off was similar to what I felt, but I crashed into furniture, walls, down the hall and onto my desk, taking everything with it. And that was just the beginning!  ah, the good old days! 

 

I had a couple cups of sake last night to celebrate my stepson's 30th birthday. It went down great and I did not feel a thing, during or after!  Amen. Finally, something I can enjoy completely.

 

Party on!

 

g

[[ve...]]

Glad you wrote your story, G.  I posted over there this morning. You have faced a lot of adversity and challenges this past few years, yet have remained optimistic despite a few lingering stubborn symptoms.  I agree that a 4 to 6 week rapid taper might be similar to a c/t.  Thanks for all your support to the forum and this thread.  Your encouragement to others, despite the difficulties in your own recovery and  length of your journey, has been much appreciated.  I'm glad I was able to read your success story.

 

Vertigo

[[Un...]]

Well guys.  I posted a few days back about my ups and downs.  It is a very strange cycle I am doing here.  I understand, and will face, the possibility that I am just having more setbacks as part of the withdrawal process.  I can say that I have had a solid week with next to ZERO symptoms already.  I do have lingering headaches that I just can't seem to shake.  They come and go.  These last two days they feel entirely different.  More like heavy bruises on my skull.  No longer on the front of my head, but more to the side above my ears.  The tinitus has only shown up for seconds every few days or so.  It is no longer an almost hourly occurrence!  Yay!

I get the down feelings again now.  I know, I know, it is common for it to still come back at times.  Very frustrating though.  I am thankful that the derealization has finally left.  It was a big part of my worst feelings.  It basically just eased up more and more over time and then just faded.  This should be a great relief to all of you that are experiencing it.  It does stop!!!

I have, however, been fighting with insomnia and slight panic attacks at night this weekend again.  Go figure...holiday weekend and not much rest. Blah!

Anyway, the heightened anxiety is a bit different now as well.  Instead of just feeling it coming on and taking over, it is a lingering feeling and anxiety in my stomach and back.  Almost like a slight electric current running through me.  It has been coming on every night about 1 hour after I fall asleep.  From that moment on, insomnia kicks in and keeps me up most of the night. Crazy, fever like, thoughts along with restlessness. Of course it had to happen all weekend long, including last night.  How else would one want to start the work week?  Exhausted, tired, and a bit off is the only way!!! 

[[ve...]]

Hi Unr3l.  Glad things are turning around for you.  That's great that the tinnitus is slowing and other symptoms are waning.  Hopefully the insomnia and panic will subside soon too.  So you were able to work after not sleeping most of the weekend?  Hopefully you caught some sleep the last few days.

 

Vertigo

[[pa...]]

How else would one want to start the work week?  Exhausted, tired, and a bit off is the only way!!!

 

Unr3al: Ive had that feeling many times on those nights I didn't sleep well before work. I like the way you put that. I'm just sorry your having to deal with so much right now. Also, the way you describe the headache feelings is dead on. Here's to a better night's sleep for you!

V, I sent a reply back to you in my success story. It was a short one, but I wanted to thank you, leslie, and jenny for your very kind words and continuing support! I will post a longer one tomorow when I have more time.

As for the insomnia, Unr3al, I have had this problem off and on. the worst was back in Jan-Feb when I had a 2 month stretch of just plain old lousy sleep. Also, it seemed to be worse when I knew I had to go to work the next morning. One thing I discovered is that the variable work hours I'm working now have had an influence on me not getting to sleep at times. My sleep rythym seems to get out of whack when I force myself to stay up for those really late hours. Sometimes, I end up working until 2:45am and don't get to bed till after the rooster crows! Later on, my body seems to remember that I once stayed up late and then, boom, insomnia!

I know how frustrating this can be! One thing I've done on nights like that is to watch some classic TV shows that I have on DVD (preferably quitely since I have kids!) and that seems to do the trick. After about 10 or 15 minutes with my eyes glued to the set, it was all I could do to keep awake. You might try a deversion like that and see if it works.

Again V, thank you so much! I'll post back more tomorow...

 

[[Un...]]

Just  like pangelingua has stated, it seems that the insomnia really wants to come around on Sunday nights before the work week starts.  I used to think maybe it was because I dropped kicked my sleep schedule on weekends and went to bed as I felt like it.  Turns out that wasn't it.  For months now I been trying to go to bed the same time even on weekends but of course sleep in a little in the morning.  That made no difference to the Sunday night insomnia.  It comes anyway as it pleases.  Like that uninvited guest to the party that nobody really wants around but insists on staying and talking to everyone.  Bah!  Headaches are getting the best of me these last few days.  The bruise I described prior feels almost like I got hit in the head by a bat and its trying to heal but still hurts.  I don't recall a bat so that isn't it.  Iced it down tonight since that has been my preferred method, but it isn't working so well on this particular headache.  If these things stop, I believe I will have achieved healing.  So far I have always had a little something going on up there this entire time.  Even when I was better and want to say I didn't have a headache, there still was that tiny ache at times.  Like a signal telling me it is still here to mess with me and it isn't done yet.  I refuse medication of any sorts so I have to man through these pains.  I attempted to just make sure I stay hydrated.  It has worked since my pee is clear as water now.  But the headaches are still there! 

Fighting on!

[[ve...]]

Hi to all the post benzo buds out there.  I was very happy to read your "success story" Pangelingua.  In fact, to see two buddies who have regularly posted updates on this thread write a success story in the same week is awesome.  I think you may know that Ginger also wrote one recently .  Reading your stories has made it worthwhile to keep this thread going to see the success stories start to emerge.

 

You have battled hard for your benzo freedom and I know you are not "going back".   Your story is unique in that you have been very honest about some of the emotional and family issues that precipitated the anxiety and eventual benzo addiction.  I think we have both learned, the hard way, that numbing one's feelings and reactions to stress is not the answer. It's tricky because if the pill is helping one sleep, it can be hard to turn down initially. Yet, as we all seem to eventually learn, tolerance builds and it no longer helps without updosing plus studies have shown that REM deep sleep is not what you get when on the benzo.

 

As for post benzo sleep issues... I know they can be frustrating.  I first took valium for insomnia and anxiety.  The sleep issue I had  (waking up at 2 or 3AM) is gone and has been gone for some time.  However, I often wake up about one hour to 90 minutes before I "need to" still.  Like this morning, I woke up at 5AM.  Yesterday was 5:30, but it's frustrating because I actually do not need to wake up before 6:30 or 6:45.  I'm not sure if I can call this "insomnia" because I fall asleep around 11:00 or 11:30 and sleep about 6 hours, sometimes waking up once to use the bathroom but easily falling back to sleep, something that did not happen before benzos and during taper. I've heard that as one gets older, sometimes you don't need as much sleep but I don't think it's the case for me.  I tend to get tired in the afternoon/fatigue and usually if I can catch about 45 minute or one hour nap, I feel much better and it does not impact my falling asleep in the evening.  I have tried going to sleep earlier,  at 10:30. That seems to help in the Fall when it gets darker earlier.  Also, my sleep system seems to be very sensitive in that whenever I fly across time zones, it takes like a week, sometimes longer, for me to adjust to the time difference, whereas my wife or other people I know seem to adjust in a couple days .  Anyway, that's my input on sleep.  No doubt it would be very difficult to work at one's best with minimal sleep.  Fortunately, I've not had that situation for a while but I can relate.

 

Vertigo

[[...]]

Well Buddies, I am 1 month off Klonopin today :yippee:. However, last night I got to reading some of the posts on this thread as well as on the Blog section and put myself into quite a panic.

 

I have been doing relatively well considering. The first week was really great, second week was rough with 2 very bad days the likes I haven't seen since the beginning of my nightmare. Last Monday marked my final really bad day. I have been feeling really great this week - most days for a couple hours I feel like my old self.

 

The sxs that are left - the ones I've had all along seemed to have subsided or lessened. I am happy, but I don't want to get too excited bc I am petrified of getting slammed again and from what I've read it seems that that is inevitable and that kind of takes some of the joy out of feeling better at the moment - living in fear of month 3 and 4 specifically. After reading some posts last night I got all panicky and anxiety went through the rough causing my heart to race - the fear of taking a turn for the worse.

 

I am not naive, but after experiencing some windows this past month which I hadn't had at all except for twice during my taper its quite hard to think its all going to be taken away again. I know I should stay in the moment, but its hard to plan for the future when you are fearing the unknown :'(

[[Ho...]]

Hi Amy,

 

Congratulations on being one month free. That's cause for celebration. Well done. You should be proud of yourself.

 

I understand your fears of being hit by a wall of sxs again, and of course it's a possibility. But I would also like to point out that everyone's different. You might not go through some of the things you read at all but if you do, remember that you've gotten through all this before. Nothing can touch you now. You've learned how to cope with whatever symptoms your brain can throw at you and you've survived. You're probably learned things about yourself, during this process...one of those things being that you are stronger than you thought. That strength is still there and will be.

 

Living in the moment is wonderful. I try to do it every day. It takes practice, as you know. When you feel yourself worrying about what might happen, just try to nudge your thoughts away from that and look around at your surroundings. This is called "grounding". Look at the colours in the room, at the shapes, the sounds you're hearing. How many different shapes do you see. How many different shades of colour are there in the room your in. Placing your mind in your current surrounds can be very effective in bringing you back into the moment.

 

You're doing great!

[[pa...]]

Amy: Congradulations on becoming benzo free!!

Sorry to hear about the anxiety kicking up. Anxiety is something that is common to all of us here. Yes, sometimes what we read can send our emotions into a tailspin. There are certain subject matters that I absolutely won't read about before going to sleep because I know that if I do, it will cause me to not sleep as well. As for reading posts, V, Ginger and I have success stories that we have been talking about and are there to help encourage people. Perhaps reading these will help take away the anxiety, inspire you, and give you confidence. Wishing you the best as you continue!

Hi V! Yes, I still do have those nights like you describe where I wake up too early. In fact, this is what happened last night. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and perhaps drifted back to sleep for another 20 mintutes or so. I think I got somewhere between 6-6 1/2 hours. It has been pretty darn hot here in the Longview area and this weekend is supposed to be unseasonably hotter. I shouldn't complain because I've seen on weather.com that Texas has had a horrible summer this year with all kinds of fires, heat and drought. I do notice that when it's stuffy at night, I don't sleep as well. We don't have any ductwork in our walls. They can be installed, but I heard it's very expensive. I do have a portable A/C that I use. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite have the BTUs to really cool things down enough on those really hot days. I too, don't usually have trouble getting to sleep. It's more so that I'll wake up early from time to time. I have heard also about the older one gets the less sleep they need. I too feel like if I'm too tired, perhaps I still need more!

Here's to a better nights rest for all of us and lot's of good cat naps in case we don't!

I'll post again a little later...