Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[pa...]]

Rocko:

Yes I do take melatonin regularly. I have been taking this since about 2007. There were some months when I stopped using it and then went back. Since my taper ended I have been taking it pretty much every evening. I do have reservations about this but I also e-mailed my doctor about it and he then put it through to a specialist who said that it is considered safe. I would still rather not take supplements it's just that I have to continue to work an oddball schedule that doesn't always allow for regular bedtimes. I am hoping that as soon as I get regular day shift hours I will develop a more consistent sleep pattern.

I also take remeron (in low doses) and this has been a 'companion' med for me for most of my benzo experience. I think in some ways the remeron and the melatonin usage may have 'balanced' the benzo in that benzos are known for decreasing the level of serotonin activity in the brain. Remeron increases it's level and melatonin is made from serotonin.

I have noticed on those evenings when I don't sleep right away that if I try to do something enjoyable and forget about the 'trying to get to sleep' part, it just happens naturally. I know this can be easier said than done sometimes (especially when you have a big day coming up) but it does help. I've taken to watching classic TV on DVD to help on those nights and after 10 minutes my eyes will start to shut.

Again, best wishes to you!

Hi V! Yes, I do sing, in fact, I've volunteered for the next few weeks! It's really great to have that involvement at church again. Some of the other members who didn't seem so welcoming before have now started to. I was told the other day by one member, "Yes, we'd LOVE to have you sing with our smaller group and we NEVER want you to feel that you're not welcomed to..." Well, that was just icing on the cake for me! It would be nice if we had a choir that was a little more easy-going (being that so many have musical backgrounds and strong opinions it can sometimes feel overwhelming for me) all the time but one can't expect that from everyone (all the time)including church choir members...

You are correct in that so many of our experiences sound similar. I too wish you lots of healing V! And also to Leena who just posted earlier! I'll keep you all in my prayers especially while I'm up there singing these next few weeks. Have a great week and I'll be back later in the week top post again. We'll be heading out to Wentachee for a little vacation. Have a great week and I'll blog with you all later!

[[ve...]]

Hi Pangelingua. 

I tried melatonin and it didn't do much for me (before benzos).  I chose to just ride things out and by a few months off valium, I was sleeping like a baby.  Part of it was that I was so damn fatigued.  Maybe it was the anxiety and revved up thing in the mornings such that sleep was just no longer a problem for me.  I've heard remeron can increase one's appetite and lead to weight gain.  Have you noticed any weight gain in the last few years?  I'm not saying it isn't right for you at this time.  I know you've posted on the odd schedule at work and how you need to count on sleep in order to work the late shifts like you do.  I hope you will get a more regular work schedule and perhaps at some point will be able to see how it might be medication free.  Hope you enjoy your Sunday and sing their ears off .

 

V

[[pa...]]

Hi again V!

Yes the remeron has increased my appetite and I have gained about 5-7 libs since being on it. One thing that helps balance that is that I excercise pretty regularly. My wife is good about meal planning/food buying so that I get lots of fiber in my diet that helps balance out some of the other side effects that remeron can cause...

The effects of remeron remind me a lot of benadryl. Sort of a low grade sleepiness. I have to be careful when I'm laying down not to get up too quickly because I sometimes get dizzy spells. I have kept this to an extremely low dose. Although I don't like being on meds like these it really helped to restore the balance that I had lost last Jan. I am nearly certain that once my hours and position settle in at work, I will be in a better position to walk away from  these. In the meantime, I continue to do well and benzo-free.

Again, I wish everyone here a great week! I'll be away from the forum for about 3 days while we travel. Hope you all had a great weekend! Ours was hot for the first time all summer!

[[ve...]]

I've been reading around forum and seen quite a few buddies are now either a few weeks to a few months post benzo.  I hope they will check this thread out and find some comfort (particularly those who are 3-6 months or more out) that it is not uncommon at all to feel setbacks and some lingering strong symptoms several months post taper.  Pange, glad you are able to keep the remeron to a low dose until you feel ready to taper off it. Hope all have a good week.

 

Best,

 

vertigo

[[...]]

Hello all!

 

I would like to join you in this group. I am 15 days off Klonopin today. In the midst of a set back right now, but have had some VERY good days since jumping. If you are interested in reading my story I do have a blog.

 

Looking forward to joining you all.

[[ro...]]

A big welcome and pat on the back to you Amy!!  You are now free of benzos and better days to come.  YOU DID IT!!

 

I am 4 1/2 months post benzo.  I've hit a snag coming into the 4th month.  But I've had way many more good days than bad. 

 

Some great benzo pros that help on this blog.  V, Pange, and Leena -- the BEST.  They're helping to get me over the hump cycles in recovery.

 

GBYB,

Rocko 

[[Cl...]]

Hi all...I really appreciate this thread  I'm about 11.5 weeks off and see gradual improvements but hit a bump in the road the last few days  GI stuff has returned and fairly significant anxiety wave and the depressive moments have evolved into the 3 days now...it's so frustrating. I'm happy to part of the recovery group and I'm so grateful for BB 

 

Clem

[[Un...]]

I'm at 4 weeks and 2 days now.  I started to feel pretty good in my 3rd week but as of this weekend I really hit a down.  I feel pretty crappy today and even had a slight anxiety attack coming on that I was able to stop before it took over.  The down feeling is overbearing.  I have had a headache all along but even more now.  What the hell is up with this?  I'm getting a good bit depressed now as it just doesn't seem to get better.  What is the deal here?  I know it can come back at times, but this is crazy to come back.  It is mostly a down feeling, a bit of dr, and anxiety building up. 

[[re...]]

Hi Buddies!

 

Becca here- and it's been over 8 months since I took my last benzo.

 

I've waited forever to post on this thread-  although it's really been helpful to read and draw encouragement.  Thank you John for starting it.

 

I'm starting to feel some exponential healing lately- more and more windows and moments when I feel like me. 

 

I still have a ways to go but I'm finally realizing that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't another train.  It's sunshine.

 

Hang in there guys.  As the veterans have promised we really do heal.  This maddening, frustrating, cruel ordeal will not last forever.

 

Hugs

 

B

 

[[ve...]]

Hi all...I really appreciate this thread   I'm about 11.5 weeks off and see gradual improvements but hit a bump in the road the last few days   GI stuff has returned and fairly significant anxiety wave and the depressive moments have evolved into the 3 days now...it's so frustrating. I'm happy to part of the recovery group and I'm so grateful for BB  

Clem

 

Hi Clem and fellow buddies.   Glad to read that you are starting to see some gradual improvements.  I also had GI stuff the first six months or so.  No doubt it's a "bummer" no pun intended .  The waves of anxiety or blues can oscillate for a while.  As others have stated, particularly once past about 5 or 6 months, many start to feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel, as Rebecca mentioned.  For some, it may be sooner.  I've seen a few folks who were feeling pretty good at 3 months too.  At 15 days post Klonopin, to have some good moments in a day sounds great, AmyA.  I believe it takes about 1 to 2 weeks for klonopin to process out whereas about twice that time for valium.  However, just because the benzo is not in the bloodstream, does not curtail the process of the brain needing heal from the down regulation of GABA.  That may be a process that takes months, as so many of us have seen. Yet healing does happen, even if it's a little more slow than one initially expected or hoped for.

 

Best wishes,

 

V

[[Un...]]

I really want to know if it is a common thing to have DAILY headaches.  Every single day since I stopped taking!  Do others experience them as well?

[[Cl...]]

Hi'a Vertigo  Thanks for the welcome and reply. I'm feeling a bit discouraged today with the s/x ramped up again and lingering - but I read your success story and found comfort in it....thank you. I know it's early at 11.5 weeks off - but I was having such good days with improvements the last few weeks that the resurfacing of the s/x are bringing me down right now. The passing of my Dad (1 yr ago) is coming up this week...I imagine the ramping is tied to that as well. Thank you for resetting my sights out to month 5 and 6...I'm hopeful that this wave will pass soon and those better months are just around the corner. I cant wait 

 

Clem 

[[ve...]]

Hi'a Vertigo   Thanks for the welcome and reply. I'm feeling a bit discouraged today with the s/x ramped up again and lingering - but I read your success story and found comfort in it....thank you. I know it's early at 11.5 weeks off - but I was having such good days with improvements the last few weeks that the resurfacing of the s/x are bringing me down right now. The passing of my Dad (1 yr ago) is coming up this week...I imagine the ramping is tied to that as well. Thank you for resetting my sights out to month 5 and 6...I'm hopeful that this wave will pass soon and those better months are just around the corner. I cant wait  

Clem  

 

Hi Clementine.  I am sorry to read of the passing of your father a year ago.  Anniversaries of the death of a loved one can be tough, especially the first one.  My father in law has been gone for over 10 years and my wife still really misses him.  My mom died over 20 years ago and it's hard when a special occasion occurs like a graduation or some event that you wish she could have been there to attend.   Hopefully the wave you're experiencing will pass soon and you will get back on track.  What kind of s/x have ramped up?  Did you first take a benzo because of anything to do with the loss of your father?  Well, I'm sure he'd be proud of the strenth and courage you showed to get off the benzo and heal now .  I look forward to reading your own success story one day.

 

 

Vertigo

[[Cl...]]

Awh...Thanks Vertigo for your kind words.

 

My Dad was a kind man and missed a lot. My benzo script was given after "perfect storm" or events last December. I was getting steroid injections for my back along with botox to paralyze the muscles. This went on for 18 months (weakening my CNS). And in December, 2 weeks after the steroid injections, I was given an antibiotic (erythromycin) and had a severe allergic response to it  - including swelling around my head and neck. So my ortho dr. suggested "hammering" (her words) my neck with Voltaren gel (which is a NSAID)...then along came a common winter viral infection (all of this within a 4 week peroid)....and that's when my CNS slid off the scale. I suffered, what now feels like benzo w/d, severe anxiety and shaking for 3 weeks. That's when the Klonopin was introduced. The dr scrpited it as "use as needed" so i used irregular dosing from February until May 8. May 8th is when I found BB and was, thankfully, educated on what I had been doing - irregular dosing and big big cuts down trying to get off of the med. I titrated off in 4 weeks (removing 3ml a nt) and have been off for 2.5 months now. The side effects that have ramped up are fitfull/anxious sleeping, a dull underlying anxiety from morning until the afternoon (this had quieted down a few weeks ago before its return), eye twitching and slight bouncing of the eye itself, GI gurgles and bloating, and an overall weepy/flat feeling (it feels depressive but not as bad a the first 2 months had been).

 

I'm off all meds of any kind. No caffeine, low sugar diet, minimal supplements (removed B vitamins, etc), and no NSAIDs. I use acupuncture, massage, walk everyday, see atherapist (to help with the passing of my Dad) and cranial sacral therapy for the lingering s/x and had been managing them pretty well.....Then this last wave kicked in and it's thrown me for a loop. I'm hopeful it's a bumpy patch, perhaps stirred up with the anniversary of my dad's passing) with relief on the other side. I find myself falling backwards a bit into the anxiety thinking pattern that "this will never get better." I was a mild anxiety sufferer prior to the CNS but nothing that called for meds. So I guess the w/d has ramped things up. What I found with the Klonopin is any minor concern or fear that I may have had prior to use and w/d - has become 1000 magnified and overblown during the use and healing process.

 

Are you able to recall if your s/x were harder for a phase in your w/d process with and improvement after a wave was over? It's such a baffling recovery process. Thanks Vertigo - you're an inspiration  Helps remind me to be patient and kind to myself.

 

Clem

[[ve...]]

Awh...Thanks Vertigo for your kind words.

My Dad was a kind man and missed a lot. My benzo script was given after "perfect storm" or events last December. I was getting steroid injections for my back along with botox to paralyze the muscles. This went on for 18 months (weakening my CNS). And in December, 2 weeks after the steroid injections, I was given an antibiotic (erythromycin) and had a severe allergic response to it  - including swelling around my head and neck. So my ortho dr. suggested "hammering" (her words) my neck with Voltaren gel (which is a NSAID)...then along came a common winter viral infection (all of this within a 4 week peroid)....and that's when my CNS slid off the scale. I suffered, what now feels like benzo w/d, severe anxiety and shaking for 3 weeks. That's when the Klonopin was introduced. The dr scrpited it as "use as needed" so i used irregular dosing from February until May 8. May 8th is when I found BB and was, thankfully, educated on what I had been doing - irregular dosing and big big cuts down trying to get off of the med. I titrated off in 4 weeks (removing 3ml a nt) and have been off for 2.5 months now. The side effects that have ramped up are fitfull/anxious sleeping, a dull underlying anxiety from morning until the afternoon (this had quieted down a few weeks ago before its return), eye twitching and slight bouncing of the eye itself, GI gurgles and bloating, and an overall weepy/flat feeling (it feels depressive but not as bad a the first 2 months had been)...  I'm off all meds of any kind. No caffeine, low sugar diet, minimal supplements (removed B vitamins, etc), and no NSAIDs. I use acupuncture, massage, walk everyday, see atherapist (to help with the passing of my Dad) and cranial sacral therapy for the lingering s/x and had been managing them pretty well.....Then this last wave kicked in and it's thrown me for a loop. I'm hopeful it's a bumpy patch, perhaps stirred up with the anniversary of my dad's passing) with relief on the other side. I find myself falling backwards a bit into the anxiety thinking pattern that "this will never get better." I was a mild anxiety sufferer prior to the CNS but nothing that called for meds. So I guess the w/d has ramped things up. What I found with the Klonopin is any minor concern or fear that I may have had prior to use and w/d - has become 1000 magnified and overblown during the use and healing process.

 

Are you able to recall if your s/x were harder for a phase in your w/d process with and improvement after a wave was over? It's such a baffling recovery process. Thanks Vertigo - you're an inspiration   Helps remind me to be patient and kind to myself.

Clem

 

Hi. Clem. Some of my strongest withdrawal s/x were after a few months of tapering and when I got down to 2mg.  I had to hold for a few weeks before continuing.   I also had the "perfect storm" back in November 2009 as I was ending taper, my father in the hospital close to death and a lot of stressful decisions to make and to coordinate for him to go home, feeding tube, hiring caregivers, sibling arguments....  It was all too much and I ended up with Shingles six weeks after my taper off valium ended.  The Shingles seemed to add to the benzo withdrawal and compounded stress on my CNS.  However, even with the Shingles, by end of March 2010 (about 4.5 months off), things started to turn around for me .  Yes, there were a few periods where cog fog, GI symptoms or a couple of mini panics came up in months 3-6 but I was feeling about 80% by six months off .  That being said, even at a year, I feel I was reacting very sensitively to stress, as you and others here have experienced.  Also, anxiety was still high at a year off and continued into month 15.  I think maybe I had high cortisol or something like that.  I was revved up in the mornings even at a year off.  I also had a little setback at the start of 2011 (14 months out) when I agreed to get a new puppy .  I had been putting if off the last year or two with my benzo recovery and my father's health problems, but I wanted to do something for my wife and son for being away so much when my father was ill.  Sleepless nights, worries about housebreaking the dog, chewing the baseboards (normal puppy stuff in retrospect)... led to some anxiety, insomnia and vertigo came back for about four days in January of this year.

 

It sounds like you also had some bad timing with the overlap of the steroid injections, the antibiotics allergy and the winter virus.  And this was not long after your father passed, a few months?  Was he pretty young still and was it expected or unexpected?   I think my sleep troubles really began a couple years after my father's cancer diagnosis.   I first took valium 3 years ago in 2008, to go on a "last big trip" with him and some other family members that I don't get along with.  Oh well, it's water under the bridge now.

 

Were you close with your dad?  How old was he when he passed?   A dog can really help with the grieving process.  I don't know if you have a dog but I got my wife a puppy after her father died and he was a Godsend.

 

Vertigo

[[jj...]]

Hi Buddies!

 

Becca here- and it's been over 8 months since I took my last benzo.

 

I've waited forever to post on this thread-  although it's really been helpful to read and draw encouragement.  Thank you John for starting it.

 

I'm starting to feel some exponential healing lately- more and more windows and moments when I feel like me.   

 

I still have a ways to go but I'm finally realizing that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't another train.  It's sunshine.

 

Hang in there guys.  As the veterans have promised we really do heal.  This maddening, frustrating, cruel ordeal will not last forever.

 

Hugs

 

B

 

That is sooo good to hear!

[[Cl...]]

Hi'a Vertigo 

 

Thanks again for your reply. It's funny...not too many people I know have asked me about my Dad. I just turned 38 and don't have any friends who have lost a parent. So I guess it's a hard topic to approach when they speak to me. So thank you for asking  I was close with my dad. He was 73 when he passed. The last few years had been hard for him...he was suffering from congestive heart failure for 7 years. He was a veteran and using that health care system - he was mishandled a few times, passed around a lot, and his health declined rapidly in the last year of his life. He lives in a different state and I was fortunate to have spent his last birthday with him. He took a fall, a few weeks after that visit, and never improved. In my last conversation I had with him I told him "I love You." I'm so happy to have had that opportunity...has passed the next day on Aug 30. He was a Sea Bee in the navy and a weight lifter/personal trainer, a big story teller...a good guy from Jersey  I miss him. Thanks for asking, I appreciate that.

 

I do have dogs (3 of them)...besides my human family - they are the loves of my life. They have helped me tremendously during the last 8 months 

 

I'm hopeful this wave will pass. I do think, like you mentioned, the stress is stirring things up. When my sleep is irritable then I know its a deep rooted issue. I really dislike the anxiety that creeps up and makes you feel like you need to shake your head and scream while you look totally calm on the outside...this is what surfaced today....sigh....

 

Thanks for listening..I can't thank you enough 

 

Clem

[[ve...]]

Hi Clem.   Thank you for sharing some of your experiences about the loss of your father.  Sometimes if you can process some of those feelings, it can lessen the  loss you may still be experiencing at a year off.  Of course he will always be missed.  It could be a very subtle blue feeling which as you mentioned, might be adding to whatever physiological withdrawal might still be going on as you continue to heal from the benzos.  That is fortunate that you were able to be there for his last birthday before he died and to have some closure in terms of letting him know your feelings and how much he meant to you.  I am sorry he was mishandled by the health care system in the last years.  My father has had a couple of doctors I am not crazy with.  There is no perfect doctor out there, as we all have come to find.  As for the anxiety, I have found the book "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety" by Forsyth, to be helpful.  Did you have much anxiety before your health and back problems started?  I'm glad you have some canine buddies in your household.  Our first dog died about four years ago and I had forgotten how the affection and unconditional love can impact your life in positive ways, especially when you're going through rough times.

 

V

[[Kc...]]

Hi all... I just stumbled on this thread, and haven't had time to read the whole thing through, but am a year off, and things have improved allot, but I'm still having a few lingering symptoms, so wanted to follow. I'm kind of using this post as a bookmark for now, I haven't slept at all tonight so will have more to add I'm sure at another time, but didn't want to loose the thread, it looks like a good one.

[[ve...]]

Hi all... I just stumbled on this thread, and haven't had time to read the whole thing through, but am a year off, and things have improved allot, but I'm still having a few lingering symptoms, so wanted to follow. I'm kind of using this post as a bookmark for now, I haven't slept at all tonight so will have more to add I'm sure at another time, but didn't want to loose the thread, it looks like a good one.

 

Hi KcLee.  Glad you found the thread.  Hope to hear more from you regarding how you're doing at one year off.  Hope you are starting to get some sleep.

 

Best,

 

Vertigo

[[ve...]]

Hope any buddies on the North East or around New York area are safe.  

 

Vertigo

[[Su...]]

Hi all... I just stumbled on this thread, and haven't had time to read the whole thing through, but am a year off, and things have improved allot, but I'm still having a few lingering symptoms, so wanted to follow. I'm kind of using this post as a bookmark for now, I haven't slept at all tonight so will have more to add I'm sure at another time, but didn't want to loose the thread, it looks like a good one.

 

 

What kind of lingering symptoms are you having? I just started my 12th month and things are SO much better than they were, but there are some stubborn symptoms that just won't leave. I hope they clear up soon.

[[ve...]]

Hi Sunny.  I know you posted your query to KcLee.  Hopefully he will see your post.  At nearly 21 months out, I am going to paste something I posted to another thread about my lingering symptoms, if that is alright.

 

Some buddies on forum posted recently that at a year out, they were still struggling with a lack of motivation, which I think may also be termed "apathy".  I can relate to this. When on the valium or other benzo, one might feel kind of like a zombie at times, feel less in general, react to stressful situations with less emotion... It's almost like a mask or a thin film is screening out some strong emotions.  After the benzo is gone and out of the system, there seems to be a period where one remains kind of out of it.  In the early months, some folks call it depersonalization or derealization.  I had what I refer to as cog fog, feeling off balance, not quite in sinc. Then came a couple of mini panics where the system almost seemed to be overcompensating with over the top reactions to a few situations.  By 5-6 months off, I felt like things were starting to come back.  I was feeling 75% on many days and sleeping pretty well.  At a year off, I declared myself 90% healed.  

 

The last 10% has been the final hurdle in 2011.  The apathy has diminished quite a bit, yet there is sometimes a disconnect between planning and implementing things I wish to focus on or accomplish.  Fear and avoidance seem to linger at times, as well as a heightened vulnerability to stressful situations.  I sometimes lose my train of thought in the middle of things, especially when more than one thing is going on.  Is that benzos or aging?  Anxiety seemed to spike after I stepped up the exercise a little too much, lost weight a little too rapidly at the end of last year.  Then we got a puppy in January.  The dog ended up being quite unwell and required several months and a fair amount of $$$ of special medical care .  The stress of housebreaking and a series of sleepless nights seemed to hit my recovering fragile nerves, even at a year off the  benzo .  

 

As I psychologically process the last couple years, it seems important to me to find a greater meaning in all this.  From first use of valium in the summer of 2008, c/t to reinstatement, up-dosing from 5-7mg in the Fall 2008 when tolerance set in and insomnia returned while my father was getting another round of chemotherapy. After a  10 month taper in 2009, the shingles virus hit my immune system at six weeks after taper.  Then the acute withdrawal for several months and gradual recovery since 2010.  It feels almost like like I've been traumatized in some way by this experience.  (see my thread on trauma and PTSD in "Chewing the Fat" section of forum).  I would like to just let it go and move forward.   I've worked through many of the regrets and some anger and grief over the losses the last couple years.  I try to remember that it's not all been losses .  There have been some positives such as my elderly father managing to survive his battle with cancer for nearly seven years now.  I've been able to help my father stay in his own home with caregivers, supervise some fairly large home repair projects for him and spend some quality time with him in the last couple years.  I've also been able to do a fair amount of traveling and spend some time with my family in a state of better health this past year.

 

Now comes the hard part of facing life's challenges with a sense of growing confidence and putting the unpleasantness of the benzo past behind me.   It would be nice to overcome intrusive fears, avoidance and care less about what others may think.  So what if one gets a little anxious in a meeting or if one has a cog fog moment and can't quite remember something?  We're all imperfect human beings.  Others have insecurities and weaknesses in their past.  I think it's a mistake to "worry" about what others may find out.  Others have plenty of their own problems and are probably worrying what we might find out about them!   I believe healing is happening every month and "complete recovery", that last 5%, is hopefully close to being achieved.

 

Vertigo

[[Kc...]]

Hi all... I just stumbled on this thread, and haven't had time to read the whole thing through, but am a year off, and things have improved allot, but I'm still having a few lingering symptoms, so wanted to follow. I'm kind of using this post as a bookmark for now, I haven't slept at all tonight so will have more to add I'm sure at another time, but didn't want to loose the thread, it looks like a good one.

 

 

What kind of lingering symptoms are you having? I just started my 12th month and things are SO much better than they were, but there are some stubborn symptoms that just won't leave. I hope they clear up soon.

 

Hi sunny, most of my symptoms have dropped off slowly fading away over the last year, but I'm finding that the nerve pain, agoraphobia, and tinnitus are holding on for dear life. I have other symptoms too but I think they stem more from underlying issues like anxiety, and insomnia among others, so I'm kind of confused about whats what sometimes to be honest. I also had a muscle spasm last week which I hadn't had for a while so I don't know what to think anymore really. I can handle the nerve pain, and tinnitus tho they do annoy me, but the agoraphobia is really getting me, I'm going stir crazy, and getting cabin fever so I hope it goes away soon. Things really are sooo much better, I don't feel I'm dying anymore, but these last few lingering symptoms are really interfearing with my life because I'm still having a hard time getting out of my house.

[[Su...]]

Hi Sunny.  I know you posted your query to KcLee.  Hopefully he will see your post.  At nearly 21 months out, I am going to paste something I posted to another thread about my lingering symptoms, if that is alright.

 

Some buddies on forum posted recently that at a year out, they were still struggling with a lack of motivation, which I think may also be termed "apathy".  I can relate to this. When on the valium or other benzo, one might feel kind of like a zombie at times, feel less in general, react to stressful situations with less emotion... It's almost like a mask or a thin film is screening out some strong emotions.  After the benzo is gone and out of the system, there seems to be a period where one remains kind of out of it.  In the early months, some folks call it depersonalization or derealization.  I had what I refer to as cog fog, feeling off balance, not quite in sinc. Then came a couple of mini panics where the system almost seemed to be overcompensating with over the top reactions to a few situations.  By 5-6 months off, I felt like things were starting to come back.  I was feeling 75% on many days and sleeping pretty well.  At a year off, I declared myself 90% healed.  

 

The last 10% has been the final hurdle in 2011.  The apathy has diminished quite a bit, yet there is sometimes a disconnect between planning and implementing things I wish to focus on or accomplish.  Fear and avoidance seem to linger at times, as well as a heightened vulnerability to stressful situations.  I sometimes lose my train of thought in the middle of things, especially when more than one thing is going on.  Is that benzos or aging?  Anxiety seemed to spike after I stepped up the exercise a little too much, lost weight a little too rapidly at the end of last year.  Then we got a puppy in January.  The dog ended up being quite unwell and required several months and a fair amount of $$$ of special medical care .  The stress of housebreaking and a series of sleepless nights seemed to hit my recovering fragile nerves, even at a year off the  benzo .  

 

As I psychologically process the last couple years, it seems important to me to find a greater meaning in all this.  From first use of valium in the summer of 2008, c/t to reinstatement, up-dosing from 5-7mg in the Fall 2008 when tolerance set in and insomnia returned while my father was getting another round of chemotherapy. After a  10 month taper in 2009, the shingles virus hit my immune system at six weeks after taper.  Then the acute withdrawal for several months and gradual recovery since 2010.  It feels almost like like I've been traumatized in some way by this experience.  (see my thread on trauma and PTSD in "Chewing the Fat" section of forum).  I would like to just let it go and move forward.   I've worked through many of the regrets and some anger and grief over the losses the last couple years.  I try to remember that it's not all been losses .  There have been some positives such as my elderly father managing to survive his battle with cancer.  I've been able to help my father stay in his own home with caregivers, supervise some fairly large projects for him and spend some quality time with him in the last couple years.  I've also been able to do some traveling and spend some time with my family in a state of better health this past year.

 

Now comes the hard part of facing life's challenges with a sense of growing confidence and putting the unpleasantness of the benzo past behind me.   It would be nice to overcome intrusive fears, avoidance and care less about what others may think.  So what if one gets a little anxious in a meeting or if one has a cog fog moment and can't quite remember something?  We're all imperfect human beings.  Others have insecurities and weaknesses in their past.  I think it's a mistake to "worry" about what others may find out.  Others have plenty of their own problems and are probably worrying what we might find out about them!   I believe healing is happening every month and "complete recovery", that last 5%, is hopefully close to being achieved.

 

Vertigo

 

 

Thanks Vertigo for posting this...lack of motivation is hard for me too...sometimes I can push myself to my detriment, then other times I can't work up the motivation to brush my teeth...I hate it...but the single most annoying symptom is still that horrible, very uncomfortable nervousness/fear thing that i have had since day 1...it just won't disappear...it has faded and I had gotten to the point where I only felt it in the evenings after I exercised (which I cut way back on)..however starting yesterday, it has returned w/a vengeance...today has been bad...little mini adrenaline surges that just keep coming in waves every few minutes..I am VERY discouraged today...it started yesterday afternoon when I tried to take a nap...it makes me feel sick and very tired.

 

This is gonna end right? How i hate how I feel right now...it's VERY uncomfortable!!!