Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[ve...]]

Thanks for the update Marina.  It makes sense to take it slow with regard to any weight loss program.  As you might recall, I lost over 25lbs last Fall, which was a bit too fast and resulted in some anxiety surges and what I believe may have been some cortisol issues.  

 

I'll post a little update here as well.  It'll be 19 months off valium this weekend.  I posted the "success story" last month (at 18 months) because I feel I beat the primary symptoms of withdrawal after a year and a half off valium .  I feel "about where I was" before my benzo journey began 3 years ago.  In some areas, life is better.  I don't really like to say "back to normal" because A)I'm not sure what that is and B) I don't like the idea that I'm going "backwards" .  Sleep, for example, is no longer a problem as it was before. And I have a variety of coping skills to rely on, which I did not have back in 2008.

 

 The not so good news is that 3 years ago, I was quite anxious and had intermittent blues after several years of taking care of a parent with cancer and a difficult family situation which is still ongoing :'(.  In other words, I was not jumping for joy back in 2008 when I took that first valium pill.  My father had cancer and still does. These days I feel pretty good or "so so" on most days, about a B-, sometimes a C+.  There are some scattered B+ days but not as frequent as I'd like and there are also some definite C- or even "D" days too .  I wonder if things will miraculously improve from here or perhaps need a few months of exercise and getting out in the sunshine this summer... or is it my fate to feel "just ok" most days? Perhaps this is just how life is when you have a loved one who is chronically ill with a terminal disease that has no ultimate cure.   Hard to say.  In any case, I am delighted to have made it off the valium, something without which, I don't think I would have any real shot at a happy outcome.   Sorry if this post is a bit of a downer.

 

Vertigo

[[Su...]]

Your not being a downer..you are being honest.

 

I think you are making a very good point...I keep wanting benzo w/d to be done and my life to be AWESOME, but was it really "AWESOME" before benzo's? I mean I must have taken them for a good reason...I know for sure the stuff I feel right now is not what I felt before, so I know more healing is needed, BUT....I'm starting to be more realistic about what 100% healed is going to feel like.

 

 

[[Ma...]]

My life WAS awesome...felt better physically, emotionally and spiritually than ever before in my life.  But then I took things too far...did too much, took on too many problems to solve, bit off more than I could chew and let my weight get down too low...too many good and bad stresses together led to insomnia which led to benzos.  Wonder if I'll ever feel even remotely good again.  My last day of feeling at least 50% was June 25, 2010.

 

You're not being a downer...would be very painful to deal with someone in your loved one's condition!

[[Su...]]

I just want to make a correction...my "LIFE" was awesome..great kids, great husband, great faith..."I" however had sleep issues and anxiety..not near what they are now...but I know I will have to learn how to cope with these once they are at a manageable level.

[[ro...]]

Hi All:

 

I was slammed last nite and feel down for the count today.  I was hot and clammy all nite, couldn't sleep again, twitchy muscles, horrible stupid thoughts, and restlessness that I describe as a "prickly" feeling.  The previous nite was 3.5 hrs. sleep but last nite equated to nite 34 off valium, and I was slammed hard then.  

 

It's beautiful outside and I feel trapped inside today.  I feel very weak and like I have a bad case of the flu.  I'm 61 days off and I am crying today because I still can't make plans for activities with loved ones.  I know other BBs experience the same feelings.   This is such a time of loss when we are in our homes, unable to participate in life, and wondering when will our days turn more consistent for us in a positive way?  I've had months and months of this and it is bearing down on me.  As I know it is wearing other post benzo BBs down too.  

 

help - my sentiments today.  

Rocko

[[Ma...]]

Yep, my life was awesome too. Then some idiot was stalking me and I stopped sleeping because I was terrified all the time, with good reason (spilled motor oil on my walkway, someone tried to break into my house with a crowbar and he was wearing a balaklava, swear to the almighty). So, life was awesome, then it wasn't. If it ever is again, I'm taking out a full page add in the Times to talk about this!! Anyone else in?

xxm

[[ve...]]

Thanks for your posts Maranatha, Sunny, Rocko and Marina.  I look back on the last couple years with a certain degree of disgust but also relief.  I am disgusted with how long it took to get off that valium and how much time was spent dealing with symptoms afterward (have to be honest ).  At the same time, I recognize my general mood was and is not just something to "blame on benzos"... I am physically and emotionally tired from this ordeal including all the traveling I've had to make the last five years to help a parent who has been ill.  I first took valium at a point when my father had been diagnosed with cancer for only a few years and had one or two remissions to that point (2008).   Ultimately this has all taken a very large toll on my mood and my life, regardless of benzos.  Yet, much of it went on during my taper and post taper last year.   Things got so bad last year that I finally decided to cease in person contact with a sibling when I got Shingles in January 2010.  Although I am off the valium for well over a year and have regained much of my physical health, the emotional toll of having a parent with cancer and a very difficult family situation continues.  Next week I am going out to help with a big re roofing of my father's 80 year old home.  The irony of all of this is that I live 2000 miles away and my sibling is less than 50 miles away from my father's home.  Yet I have been the one to take the initiative on all home repairs since the year 2000 and be the primary caregiver for my father to boot.   When I wrote my "success story" last month, I got so many wonderful responses and calls to just go out and "enjoy my life" or how fabulous it would be from this benzo free and mostly symptom free point.  I wish it were that simple.   Don't get me wrong.   I truly am relieved that I have come this far in the journey, sometimes get down about a few things, but pretty thankful to at least be in a position to come out of this in better physical health.  I just need to continue to work through some of the emotional issues that were there before benzos.  With no pill to cover up, some things still need to be dealt with.

 

Rocko. I hope you get through this wave and find your sleep again.  The waves are only temporary and you will undoubtedly find a window again soon.  I've had that "flu like" feeling several times on this journey.  It does pass. Sleep where you can, even in the day for a short nap.  You will regain your strength.  Sometimes it's a virus unrelated to benzos.Sunny, Marina and Maranatha. I have come to find that life is never all awesome or crappy.  It's really a series of alternating moments and moods.  Sh%$ happens before and after benzos.   Sorry about that stalker incident Marina.  That must have been extremely difficult to deal with.  It's no wonder you could not sleep!

 

Before and after benzos, I've had periods, even weeks of feeling like crap, and also had periods where I felt  like things were mostly in sync. Despite all the turmoil the last few years, there were times of great joy:thumbsup:.  I've had tremendous support and love from a wife who deserves a medal.  Without her, not sure how I would have made it through .  And I have managed to spend some really good quality time with my son and family this past year . So despite things getting really unpleasant at times, there have been many happy moments too.    I hear you Rocko about it feeling like such a loss to not be participating in life as much as one might like or be home bound sometimes.  It does get better and then it might get a little worse , then better again .

 

Best ,

 

Vertigo

[[ro...]]

Hi V:

 

Thank you for your PM and reassuring words. 

 

I read through your post and can understand and relate to your struggles.  You wanted a nice family cruise and was concerned about the outcome.  Having a "prickly pear" sibling is always a cause for concern.  I have one too and have had to distance myself from him and his attacks, rantings, etc.

 

You have an aging parent and you are doing "double duty" trying to help him remain in his house.  Keeping his house maintained and supporting him in his needs is acting love and faithfulness.  I lost my 88 year old mother last June.  She had falls in her home and incurred one too many that she did not recover from.  I made three trips to Ark. in less than 7 months to be with her.  Love does test us and we try to give it all we have. 

 

I hope your next trip brings you fullness of heart in what you are doing.  Being away from family and home is never easy.  But you are a blessing to your father -- all good things. 

 

I did bounce back from the "tidal wave" and have had a couple nites of good sleep plus "grammy time" with my two granddaughters.  I took them bowling and we played hide and seek last nite with my little dog "Scooby."  Scooby always finds us hiding and loves playing the game with the grandkids.  All gigungus blessings to me. :angel:

 

Thanks for keeping this blog going and ALL your words of encouragement!  Means the world to little ole' me!  God bless all on this journey post benzo now and forever.

Rocko 

[[ve...]]

Hi Rocko.

Glad to read that you bounced back from the the tidal wave!  I'm sorry about your mom.  Those falls are scary.  My MIL has fallen a few times this past couple weeks and she refuses full time help.  My wife offered to fly back out and help but she has to want it.  Ultimately, one must deal with illness or death in life at some point.  My MIL is nearly 80 and has had increasing health issues the past year.  My father is nearly 90 years old so he's had a good life, despite some serious health challenges.  I like the term "prickly pear", Rocko .   Yet at least it no longer keeps me up at night .  I wish things were not so wrought with conflict.  It would be nice if things could find some sort of peaceful resolution at some point.  Yet, for now, things seem unlikely to resolve smoothly with that sibling.   Perhaps I can post better news in a few months.   Meanwhile, gotta just try to find some good times to keep up with the more challenging ones and try not to sweat the small stuff.  Sounds like you're still finding time to be a good "grammy" despite not feeling your best.  Hang in there.

 

God Bless,

 

V

[[ve...]]

Just a quick post to make a note of some alcohol consumption this past week.  Had a few glasses of wine (3) about ten days ago.  The next day felt kind of cog foggy and I felt some fatigue and carb cravings throughout the day.  A couple nights ago, had dinner out with my wife for an occasion and 2 glasses white wine.  This went much better but felt some blues the last couple days. Part of this might be anticipation of an upcoming trip to see some family out of state.   I used to get some blues after a night out with a couple drinks, before benzos.  So I don't really think this is necessarily a benzo issue.   However, I do think it's a reminder to me that last summer was perhaps too early at 6 months.  Anyway, each individual will need to decide what is best for them.  I know some folks who have abstained since taper and I respect that too.

 

Have a great weekend!

 

Vertigo

[[ja...]]

Hello Verti!

 

I was truely wondering this myself ..Could I have a coctail Im at 13 months and healing

I never was big drinker but its nice once in awhile with friends or family ..

Well i think its that i just want to be normal again with no strings attached ya know..

 

Im so glad your still here John ur such a inspiration to me...

 

Jenny

[[ve...]]

Hello Verti!I was truely wondering this myself ..Could I have a coctail Im at 13 months and healing

I never was big drinker but its nice once in awhile with friends or family ..

Well i think its that i just want to be normal again with no strings attached ya know..

Im so glad your still here John ur such a inspiration to me...

 

Jenny

 

I hear you about summer coming and wondering if it would be ok to sneak in a drink.  I'm still afraid to have a "real" drink like a martini.  However, I've had red and white wine.  I've found that all red is not good for me, maybe it's the tanens.  I can tolerate one glass of red and one of white or two of white.  Anything beyond that and I'm feeling the cog fog and blues in a big way the next day or two.  I seem to do ok with a glass of white wine before dinner or with appetizers and a glass of red with dinner.   I think when I first tried wine after taper, I just had one glass to see how it went.  One glass never really impacted me before benzos and that is the case for me post benzos.  Also, I think I read in some of the weight loss books that if you have a glass of wine and skip dessert, you're not really cheating .   I want to be clear that I am not encouraging anyone to drink.  For some folks, it's better to not drink at all.  In my case, part of my "healing" is to be able to have an occasional night out and enjoy a glass or two of wine.  Others may not feel the same way.

 

Best ,

 

Vertigo

[[va...]]

Hy Vert, buddy,

 

You know, you're not being a downer at all. People are "in life" on benzos, getting off benzos and post. Life doesn't stop so you can heal post taper. You're just saying it like it is. Some may have a softer landing in where they are in life so can relish the benzo freedom and skip ahead in more of a celebration of that. That's awesome. It really is. And I wish that were the way life was in this for everyone but it's just not the case. I was starting over after a relationship and starting a new job, feeling great about my future, and quit k and got sick. Holy curveball.

 

Post benzo when healed I'm going to be busy too. I'm doing what I can as I heal more as well.  I'm not healed yet enough to go forward work wise nevermind repair the damage yet. And, I have damage control from benzos now before I am in a comfortable quality of daily life that I am used to. It's just the way it is for some of us.

 

Thanks for telling it like it is. It's life. And you're handling it. That's all you can do. And one never knows where there is a plateau for calm as consistent. But it can come. It usually does.

 

Thinking of and thanks for your thought provoking posts as usual.   

 

 

[[ve...]]

Hy Vert, buddy, You know, you're not being a downer at all. People are "in life" on benzos, getting off benzos and post. Life doesn't stop so you can heal post taper. You're just saying it like it is. Some may have a softer landing in where they are in life so can relish the benzo freedom and skip ahead in more of a celebration of that. That's awesome. It really is. And I wish that were the way life was in this for everyone but it's just not the case. I was starting over after a relationship and starting a new job, feeling great about my future, and quit k and got sick. Holy curveball.

 

Post benzo when healed I'm going to be busy too. I'm doing what I can as I heal more as well.  I'm not healed yet enough to go forward work wise nevermind repair the damage yet. And, I have damage control from benzos now before I am in a comfortable quality of daily life that I am used to. It's just the way it is for some of us.

Thanks for telling it like it is. It's life. And you're handling it. That's all you can do. And one never knows where there is a plateau for calm as consistent. But it can come. It usually does.  Thinking of and thanks for your thought provoking posts as usual.    

 

Thanks VGal .  I appreciate the validation. Sometimes we just feel crappy and need to accept that as how it is. There may even be a lot of reasons as to why we don't feel well on a given day. It may have nothing to do with benzos.  Or it may be that our physiology may still be impacted in some ways, whether neurologically, hormonally,emotionally... or some other cause.  I can relate to the notion of "damage control". I also think a part of the ultimate resolution may be in letting go some, not trying to control everything.  I agree that we've all in some way been thrown a curve ball.  Yet we can hang around for another at bat .

 

Have a great day,

 

Vertigo

[[Sw...]]

Hello.  I'm almost 7 months benzo free and I've been to  several parties this past week including one I hosted for my parents 50th wedding anniversary (great fun).    At 2 of these parties I drank 3 beers (over about 5-6 hours - I wasn't drunk at all)  and each of these nights I had much trouble sleeping.  I think alcohol may be  a no-no for me at this point.  As much as I love sipping wine I learned years ago (way before benzos entered my life) that red wine gives me an excruciating headache and more than 2 or 3 glasses of white or red wine and I am vomiting all night!  I don't think my body converts/processes it properly.   

Hey Vertigo.  Best wishes to you as you travel to your father's home.  I hope everything goes smoothly for you.  Blessings...

[[va...]]

I can relate to the notion of "damage control".

 

I also think a part of the ultimate resolution may be in letting go some, not trying to control everything. 

Same huh? And not trying to control everything. Okay, how do you do that? lol. I'm not interested in controlling people but I like things to go a certain way so yes, every now and then I can have a tendency to try and MAKE things go a certain way lol. Good one you!

 

You have a great day too Veritgo! xoxox

[[Fl...]]

Hello.  I'm almost 7 months benzo free and I've been to  several parties this past week including one I hosted for my parents 50th wedding anniversary (great fun).    At 2 of these parties I drank 3 beers (over about 5-6 hours - I wasn't drunk at all)  and each of these nights I had much trouble sleeping.  I think alcohol may be  a no-no for me at this point.   As much as I love sipping wine I learned years ago (way before benzos entered my life) that red wine gives me an excruciating headache and more than 2 or 3 glasses of white or red wine and I am vomiting all night!   I don't think my body converts/processes it properly.   

Hey Vertigo.   Best wishes to you as you travel to your father's home.   I hope everything goes smoothly for you.   Blessings...

 

My body is sensitive to all sorts of stimulants and depressants. Alcohol has always been the funny one though. I absolutely LOVE beer, but beer hates me. If I drink more than one I turn into a yawning, lethargic lump and I feel terrible the next day. I don't have too much of a problem with good quality liquor in general but the only one I know that I can always handle is vodka.

[[ve...]]

Hello.  I'm almost 7 months benzo free and I've been to  several parties this past week including one I hosted for my parents 50th wedding anniversary (great fun).    At 2 of these parties I drank 3 beers (over about 5-6 hours - I wasn't drunk at all)  and each of these nights I had much trouble sleeping.  I think alcohol may be  a no-no for me at this point.   As much as I love sipping wine I learned years ago (way before benzos entered my life) that red wine gives me an excruciating headache and more than 2 or 3 glasses of white or red wine and I am vomiting all night!   I don't think my body converts/processes it properly.    

Hey Vertigo.   Best wishes to you as you travel to your father's home.   I hope everything goes smoothly for you.   Blessings...

 

Hi SweetP.  Congrats on 7 months .  Sorry to hear about some sleep trouble after those beers.  I used to get that after a couple drinks, BEFORE benzos!  I think it's pretty common. That being said, if you feel it's best to take a few months more off alcohol (or longer), I think it's good to go with your intuition on this. Some folks need a full year (or longer) to let the CNS truly heal.   I think my body has some issues processing beer too.  I had no problem with a couple German beers at Oktoberfest last Fall but a couple weeks later, I had a beer at a sports bar and it did not agree with me (that was at one year off!).  I also posted earlier that I seem to only be able to handle about one glass of red wine.  I guess we all have to figure it out on our own terms.

 

Have a great summer

 

Vertigo

[[Li...]]

Today is turning out to be a bad day for me.  I did not sleep very well last night and when I tried to take nap earlier today, I was awakend by a rapid heart beat. I have had at least two anxiety attacks today and I am fearing going to bed tonight. I try to stay strong but each day I experience these awful sxs, I get so discouraged. I know I am early in my cessation but I am exhausted already! I just want my old life back  :'(

[[ve...]]

I can relate to the notion of "damage control".

I also think a part of the ultimate resolution may be in letting go some, not trying to control everything.  

 

Same huh? And not trying to control everything. Okay, how do you do that? lol. I'm not interested in controlling people but I like things to go a certain way so yes, every now and then I can have a tendency to try and MAKE things go a certain way lol. Good one you!

You have a great day too Veritgo! xoxox

 

Hiya VGal .  I don't think there's anything wrong with setting short term and long term goals and going after them .  I just know that for me, sometimes I get anxious when I am not aware of when I might push too hard or not be flexible to unexpected events or obstacles.  I think that trying to be accepting of whatever unfolds is hard to do but can be something to try and focus more on.  It tends to ease some of my own anxiety when I at least try to remain "in the flow" and take a more mindful approach.  

 

Chat soon,

 

Vertigo

[[Mi...]]

Today is turning out to be a bad day for me.  I did not sleep very well last night and when I tried to take nap earlier today, I was awakend by a rapid heart beat. I have had at least two anxiety attacks today and I am fearing going to bed tonight. I try to stay strong but each day I experience these awful sxs, I get so discouraged. I know I am early in my cessation but I am exhausted already! I just want my old life back   :'(

 

I understand how discouraging it can be, but you WILL get your old life back.  Just give it a little time.

 

I used to be fearful of going to bed at night, too.  I always dreaded going to bed, because I knew I'd awaken in a panic.

 

Were you able to sleep last night?

[[Bi...]]

Hi Everybody - I am 60 days off as of today and would like to hear how people who jumped near me (4/16) are doing.  I am struggling badly today.  Best, Billwill

[Guest [Si...]]

I'm not off, but congrats to you for being off!

 

I'm still tapering along.

 

Hope your day gets better.

 

S.

 

 

[[Na...]]

I'm pretty close to you (3/25)...  Still feeling rough myself but have heard that the 2-4 months may be the most difficult.  Just taking one day at a time.  Most of my symptoms are of the anxiety type and weird head sensations...Brain Fog, Pressure, confusion, etc.

[[Pe...]]

The 2-3 month period was extremely rough for me, but my symptoms took a dramatic turn for the better at month 4.  I feel so bad for BBs in this period of w/d, I think it is the most disparaging part of the process.  Hang tough, just do what ever you can to make it through this part, it will get better, I promise!