Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[gi...]]

Suppose two identical people with identical healing time set you to rid themselves of benzo.  The first one c/t the other slow taper.  At then end of 4 months, one has been without for 4 months, the other just beginning to be off benzo.  At the end of six months, are they at the same place?  Maybe reversion takes 6 months no matter whether you taper or c/t.  It would make the c/t feel as if they are not healing as fast, which seems to be the popular feelings.

 

My thoughts exactly!  Well put!!

[[Re...]]

Hi, Everyone. I'm almost 2 months Benzo Free, and wanted to join this group.  I will sit down and read through the past posts as soon as I can, but wanted to say what a great idea it is so that I can start getting the updated replies....

[[ve...]]

Hi, Everyone. I'm almost 2 months Benzo Free, and wanted to join this group.  I will sit down and read through the past posts as soon as I can, but wanted to say what a great idea it is so that I can start getting the updated replies....

 

Congrats on 2 months, RTBW.  Hope you enjoy the thread.

 

Vertigo

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Thanks.  I'm excited mostly because that two months, from this side of it, seemed to go pretty fast. I hope it continues that way....not that I haven't had some bumps here and there...I have..but two kids and a hubby and lots going on really does help.  I think it's the best advice I could ever give someone is to Stay Occupied as much as you can with your physical/mental wd issues.  Makes the days go as quickly as possible. 

[[Ho...]]

I haven't read through this whole thread so I don't know if this might have been brought up but has ANYONE taken the Pharma GABA by BioSynergy for their anxiety during withdrawal.  My anxiety is so very bad and this was suggested to me - anyone with any comments or experience on this?  Thank you!    Hoping2BFree

[[re...]]

gaba supplement doesn't work, you probably have enough gaba in your body, but the receptors are damaged by benzos. supplementing gaba is stimulating to s/x for me anyway.

it seemed like a good idea at the time,i tried it, glad i dumped out half the capsule first, it was a symptom rev up thing.

[[gi...]]

GABA supps didn't do anything for me. Try l-theanine instead.

[[Bi...]]

Hi, everyone.

 

I'm having a rough time and thought I'd post -- I'm curious about others experiences.

 

I'm just shy of being 10 months off Xanax and am a year off my long-term Paxil usage, and starting in month 8, and moreso this past month, I've noticed things changing.  The anxiety and dread that was all-consuming for many months is now MUCH less, which I am so thankful for and that tells me healing has taken place, but it seems like things are changing and morphing.  I'm getting more d/p and d/r and confusion, and, it seems, increased depression.  The d/p and d/r was present all along, but it just didn't seem as noticeable or frequent....maybe the constant high anxiety was masking some of it to a degree, and I was in too high of a state of fear to distinguish those feelings and lumped it all into the anxiety/terror/dread category.....I'm not sure.  But I sure notice it now, and when it hits, it is such an awful, scary feeling....as if you are totally detached, and I notice when it happens, I start getting some rushes of adrenaline, and anxiety comes on.  Or maybe the anxiety I feel over it is what brings on the adrenaline rushes.  Who knows.  It makes me quickly feel so confused (I can be in the middle of something and suddenly feel like I don't know what the heck I'm doing) and like I'm going to "lose it" -- one minute I'm okay, and the next as if I'm about to "go over the edge," but the positive thing is that overwhelming feeling of "losing it" leaves rather quickly...it comes over me almost in these contractions/waves and then the entire episode eases after about an hour, give or take.  I also notice I'm feeling so depressed...I mean, more than usual.  This entire situation is depressing in and of itself and it's always been present, but has gotten much worse the past month.  I feel alone and stuck and like this is just how my life is always going to be and just this deep sadness.

 

I guess I'm wondering did you notice your mental sxs morphing and changing like this as more time went on?  Again, I am so thankful that horrid, constant anxiety has eased, and I do wonder if it was masking these other feelings, always being on such high alert, feeling like I was being chased down by an angry, hungry bear for so many months.  I'm riding this out the best I can, and realize I am still well within the healing time-frame, but just looking to hear about your experiences with the mental end of this.  It helps to get feedback on this and hear what others have experienced.  I am sure it is a good sign that things are changing in me, but boy, this ride sure is uncomfortable, and at times frightening.  

 

Thanks for any input you can offer.

 

Sweet

[[ve...]]

Hi BitterSweet.  I've had oscillating blues and anxiety throughout the past 15 months off valium with anxiety being the dominant one.  Sometimes I welcome some blues because it can help one sleep better.  My blues have been mostly seasonal, associated with some boredom of being cooped up inside on cold or rainy days.  Even those thoughts can be changed to more positive ways to frame a "rainy day" (they're not all gloomy and don't have to be).  I was thinking the other day of how to describe the inner restlessness that I've been experiencing in the last three to four months.  I like your description of the hungry bear.  Others have visualized a tiger.   I think, for me lately, it's kind of like a hamster on a wheel spinnning round and round but not feeling the benefits from the exercise in terms of getting the adrenalin back down or calming down eventually!  I actually do have more calm evenings and sleep pretty well now but the mornings are pretty wired still.  I think Matrix may have referred to a "hamster" in his recent success story, or "getting off the wheel".  Interestingly, I'm experiencing a wide open window today (in terms of anxiety).  I woke up feeling pretty close to "normal".  It was kind of bizarre and I said to myself, "so this is what it can be like".  Then I observed a few restless thoughts that barged in and tried to get my engines revved, but didn't work this time.  I got off the "hamster" treadmill and just took some deep breaths.  It's kind of like letting go of the rope in a tug of war and saying "I'm not playing this game right now".   Another metaphor that is used in ACT therapy books is the struggle associated with falling in quicksand.  The instinct is to resist and try to move your feet and arms up and down, which of course only makes you sink more quickly.  The counterintuitive approach is to lie back and gently float to the top and reach out for a branch or something higher up (no pun intended for those of you on the spiritual journey ).  Anyway, I hope things settle down for you BitterSweet.  10 months is a a good amount of time to say you've put between you and the benzo beast.  You're that much closer to your goal of healing.

 

Best ,

 

Vertigo

[[ve...]]

Thanks.  I'm excited mostly because that two months, from this side of it, seemed to go pretty fast. I hope it continues that way....not that I haven't had some bumps here and there...I have..but two kids and a hubby and lots going on really does help.  I think it's the best advice I could ever give someone is to Stay Occupied as much as you can with your physical/mental wd issues.   Makes the days go as quickly as possible.  

 

Hi RTBW.  I agree that staying active can sometimes be a good way to keep your mind off of unpleasantness associated with withdrawal and/or recovery issues off benzos.  You know the saying "Idleness is the devil's workshop".  I agree that it can be helpful to try and stay busy, which is no problem when you have kids! Paradoxically, I also think that a measure of benzo healing is how one can learn to quiet the mind and be with silence.  I have found mindfulness and meditation to be of some help here. Even if one notices a discomfort in trying to be still, one can observe that thought and try not to judge the inclination to get moving all the time.  I think gradual periods of stillness can help quiet the chatter in the mind.

 

 

V

 

 

[[ve...]]

I haven't read through this whole thread so I don't know if this might have been brought up but has ANYONE taken the Pharma GABA by BioSynergy for their anxiety during withdrawal.  My anxiety is so very bad and this was suggested to me - anyone with any comments or experience on this?  Thank you!    Hoping2BFree

 

Hi Hoping.  I think chemicals are not the answer to anxiety.  I tend to agree with others who posted that if your GABA receptors are sensitive and down regulated if that's the term, GABA would likely not help much.  Time can heal as the brain self repairs itself.  It's a journey of patience and acceptance, which is not easy sometimes.

 

 

V

[[...]]

 

I have seen Pharma Gaba debated here several times. There is much debate over whether or not it crosses the blood brain barrier. I have seen people claim it does and that it doesn't. From what I have seen here, it has minimal effect. People in benzo withdrawal generally don't have a GABA shortage, it is a problem of downregulation of the receptors. I don't see anything wrong with trying it, but I wouldn't expect much. It may serve like a placebo though, if you think it works, it might.

 

TC

[[Bi...]]

Hi, V.

 

Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply.  As usual you always have such interesting and helpful things to say.  Your thoughts and perspectives are much appreciated.  So nice to hear you had a window yesterday...hoping that has carried over into today!  How are you feeling?

 

Oh, yes, I can certainly relate to the "hamster on the wheel" feeling.  I think I'm just getting really frustrated from feeling so awful and inhuman for so long, both mentally and physically, and not having any windows.  I feel like a number of months ago when I was even sicker than I am now that I still felt more hope, and the longer this continues, the more it consumes me.  It's like I'm this mouse just desperately waiting to find that piece of cheese (a window!), that little reward to keep me pushing forward and remind me what I'm fighting for.  I feel like all joy has been stripped from me, and even trying to adjust attitude or surround myself with positives doesn't seem to make much difference.  I guess it's the entire situation plus a brain that is still healing.  This is not who I am, and I see so much good and hope for others, but feel so stuck and often hopeless myself.

 

On a more positive note, I do think some of this misery has been exacerbated by the winter months and feeling even more trapped in the house than I already feel.  I'm hoping with spring and summer around the corner, some fresh air and sunshine will do me some good.  I'll be able to more easily get out of the house and start taking walks and such things, and hopefully as I make an effort to be more positive, increased mental healing will occur, and I'll start experiencing some joys and a passion for life again.

 

Thanks again for your comments and support.  I hope that anxiety stays at bay for you and that you have a good week. 

 

Sweet

[[gi...]]

Hey Sweet,

 

It's typical for symptoms to come and go, and new ones to crop up. It's just another one of those crazy things about benzos. 

 

My cognitive problems have definitely increased over the last year but my physical symptoms are for the most part gone. I'm afraid my cog problems will remain, which scares me because so far all I can handle work-wise is menial jobs. I don't know if I'll be able to handle anything more demanding; I can't even read directions anymore.

 

I report that I'm 90% normal but I don't take into consideration my cog problems, as I don't see them as symptoms, per se, but as damage.

 

I've done my best to adapt to it. I have post its all over my house telling me what to do or remind of me of things.  My biggest problem is writing. I've been a professional writer and now I struggle just to write posts here. I try not to think about it.

 

Hang in there -

 

ginger

[[...]]

Hi Sweet,

 

The months after the Christmas and New Year's holiday were always a drag to me. That whole let down after the hectic months of October, November and December.....where there is not much going on. I never liked that time of year much. Then on top of that it is tax time. Haha. Talk about double blah.

 

I think you are right..I think the spring and summer may bring better times for us all...

 

TC

[[ve...]]

I think you are right..I think the spring and summer may bring better times for us all...

TC

 

Amen to that

 

V

[[ve...]]

Hi, V.

 

Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply.  As usual you always have such interesting and helpful things to say.  Your thoughts and perspectives are much appreciated.  So nice to hear you had a window yesterday...hoping that has carried over into today!  How are you feeling?

 

I think I caugt a cold last night

 

Oh, yes, I can certainly relate to the "hamster on the wheel" feeling.  I think I'm just getting really frustrated from feeling so awful and inhuman for so long, both mentally and physically, and not having any windows.  I feel like a number of months ago when I was even sicker than I am now that I still felt more hope, and the longer this continues, the more it consumes me.

 

Yea, I would like to wake up one day too and not think about how revved up I'm feeling.  I actually had a pretty good window on Sunday with minimal anxiety but then the cold came on.

 

It's like I'm this mouse just desperately waiting to find that piece of cheese (a window!), that little reward to keep me pushing forward and remind me what I'm fighting for.  I feel like all joy has been stripped from me, and even trying to adjust attitude or surround myself with positives doesn't seem to make much difference.  I guess it's the entire situation plus a brain that is still healing.  This is not who I am, and I see so much good and hope for others, but feel so stuck and often hopeless myself.

 

Don't lose hope Sweet. You're healing gradually, sometimes can't really notice it but it's happening.

 

On a more positive note, I do think some of this misery has been exacerbated by the winter months and feeling even more trapped in the house than I already feel.  I'm hoping with spring and summer around the corner, some fresh air and sunshine will do me some good.  I'll be able to more easily get out of the house and start taking walks and such things, and hopefully as I make an effort to be more positive, increased mental healing will occur, and I'll start experiencing some joys and a passion for life again.

 

Amen to that.  I'm looking forward to the end of winter too.

 

Thanks again for your comments and support.  I hope that anxiety stays at bay for you and that you have a good week.  

Sweet

 

You too

 

 

V

[[ve...]]

16 months off valium today .  I'm off prolosec and feeling about 90%, some days higher.  Main symptoms are anxiety about 20% higher than before benzos and some afternoon fatigue (which I had before).   Doctor called in with my latest blood test numbers this week.   My total cholesterol is 162 compared to 194 a year ago.  LDL ("bad cholesterol") dropped from 122 to 94 .  HDL (good cholesterol) improved too.  The improved numbers are with 1/2 the statin dose (10mg) as I was on year ago.  I think I will listen to the doc and go back to 20mg though, as much as I'd like to be med free, family history won't allow.  He wants LDL closer to 70.

 

Putting it all in perspective, a year ago in Feb 2010, I was a few months off benzos and had Shingles.  I was 25lbs over weight.  I have made a lot of progress since 2010, lost 28 lbs since last August.  If I go back to the previous dose of 20mg pravastatin, the next test will in theory be much better .  So much for being medication free though  :'(.  Yet I am overall pleased with the progress.  I hope that the next few months will lead to ongoing healing and health for me and all my benzo buddies  .

 

Vertigo

 

[[Re...]]

Such an encouraging, upbeat report! 

 

P.S. Nice talking w/ you in chat!

[[...]]

V,

 

You have come a long way my friend. I am hanging in there with you at about 90 percent...help me kick the face/head symptom that is remaining and I am to the promised land!

 

Lend a brother a hand!

 

 

TC

[[ve...]]

Thanks guys.   I did not expect to be moaning about benzos and stress after more than a year but... Frankly, I think I've been in pretty decent shape since month 7 off valium (last June).  I had a little setback in month 9 and so I started with diet and exercise changes that may have been a little fast and maybe "severe" but overall accomplished my weight loss goals last December.  Then, another small setback in January with a few days of vertigo and the anxiety of getting the puppy who was pretty sick for six weeks and tapering off prilosec at the same time.  Now I have a cold/sinus thing to start March and not sleeping too well but hey, that's part of life.  I may need to take antibiotics so hopefully it won't tear my stomach up too much or impact the CNS.  Typically I seem to do ok with Augmentin.  I think April and May are potential months to get back on track and knock out a couple remaining issues.  I have some travel in April and my MIL will have surgery so life keeps comin! With any luck, this summer will be the first in three years where I won't be thinking about valium and its aftermath .

 

Vertigo

[[Re...]]

At your point in the process, I can totally believe that you are not only sick of sx but expect the gone ones to stay gone....I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. 

 

I know that when I haven't slept, my sx either get worse for real or just SEEM worse...and I'm sure the same is true w/ you and that nasty sinus/cold thing.  You have a great attitude to look ahead to the summer - a good lesson for us all (when the present is crappy, it's ok - smart, in fact - to look ahead...). 

 

Hang in there and I hope you feel better (as a fellow sinus issue suffer.... I know it can really take it out of you...).

 

[[gi...]]

Hey V,

 

I absolutely love your perspective and your attitude.  You've gone through hell and came out the other side, and are a much better person for it.  I don't think there's any reason not to think that this won't be all behind you come summer.  I don't think you'll ever not think about valium - you'll have PTSD about this probably for life - but I think you'll get to a point (this year) where you're not going to be looking over shoulder, wondering when PWS will rear its ugly head.

 

Kudos, buddy!

 

g

[[...]]

V,

 

IT is all about WINNING! HIGH FIVE! Tiger blood! Rawr!

 

In all seriousness, my friend, I also agree that there is no reason why this summer is not your time to reach full healing. I hope you stick around a bit, but I would understand if you tipped your hat and rode off into the sunset.

 

TC

[[ve...]]

Hey V,

I absolutely love your perspective and your attitude.  You've gone through hell and came out the other side, and are a much better person for it.  I don't think there's any reason not to think that this won't be all behind you come summer.  I don't think you'll ever not think about valium - you'll have PTSD about this probably for life - but I think you'll get to a point (this year) where you're not going to be looking over shoulder, wondering when PWS will rear its ugly head.

Kudos, buddy!

g

 

Hey G.  Thanks for the encouragement.  I never thought of it as PTSD although I read a very good book called Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma and Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences by Peter Levine (co authored by Charlie Sheen and TC, just kidding ) about Trauma.  I do agree that for some, the experience of benzo addiction and withdrawal can be extremely traumatic.  Honestly, the Shingles last year was worse for me than any part of the benzo experience, although that first bout of vertigo and going to the ER back in 2008 was rough too.  Knowledge is very helpful though and once I found forums like this one, I was relieved to understand what had happened in terms of the vertigo.  The Shingles was more of a wake up call that it's not a game to be engaging in idotic sibling conflicts about my father's health care.  Stress can make one very ill and can kill!  Anger kills!  I think there is a book out there by that title.  Anyway, I do feel like I've endured trauma but I also feel empowered to have survived and in a strange way, feel like with each month and each challenge, I can endure what comes in life. Some of the stories I read here tell me that what I've endured is a peanut by comparison to what some of my fellow benzo buddies have gone through and continue to deal with evey day!

 

Its taken about a year to realize that I can choose my response to stress and there is a mental/emotional impact on physical health that is not entirely random (see Victor Frankl).  In some ways, its paradoxical in that one of the helpful stress coping mechanisms can be learning to let go, control less and foster acceptance.  Saying "yes" to the moment can be empowering and healing.  I'm not talking about giving up as much as about allowing experience to unfold and cope the best one can.  Make lemondade from lemons?  Too cliche? Sometimes one has to just deal with sour lemons! Embracing pain is not my usual motis operendi.  I still "worry" about my fathers health, mortality and how his eventual death will impact me, but I need to not let it keep me from living my life.  Anyway, I hope with time, this benzo ride will fade into the subconscious and play less of a day to day thinking part of my life. De Nile can be a wonderful thing (once issues are faced and processed!) . Its not just a river in Egypt!  As much as I've been happy to try and give back to others on forum this past year, or as TC refers to it "paying it forward", I think I am going to start gradually spending less time on forum beginning this Spring, maybe late April to May.  I'll still check in here from time to time but it will be less frequent.  If this thread remains helpful to some folks, it'll have to keep going eventually without my input. There may be an occasional stressful period where I'm back more frequently.  I'll probably visit once a month for a while in the summer, but I do need to start thinking about a life without quite as many benzo thoughts .  Not quite ready to declare victory but hopefully in the coming months, I hope to pen a success story of some kind, even if it's not a perfect one .  

 

Best

 

Vertigo