Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[Co...]]

TC, thankyou for the reassurance and taking the time to respond. Vertigo thankyou too for responding and your interest.Im still having alot of physical sx like vibrating, itching skin, continuos shocking, pins and needles rt foot, balance , coordination problems,tremors, flusing feet and hands and others. mentally I have intrusive thouhts, agoraphobia. I havent driven since march, but fom where I started last march so many things are so much better.I was really sick after my rapid detox.Today I felt almost happy and relaxed on my walk for a little while.I realize what is important in life.Imhappy to be alive because I easily could have died on my meds or coming off the way I did. There is hope. Thank you again this site has heped so much. Peace and comfort to all.I hope everyone is well tonight.  l

[[ve...]]

Hi Colleen.  Hang in there.  Glad you're symptoms are gradually improving in some areas.  As you've read on this thread and around forum, it is not uncommon to still have some symptoms for a year, some may linger to 18 months or perhaps a little longer.  It seems that detox can lead to this kind of time frame for some.  I did not detox and still have had some issues allbeit waning and feeling better than 90% on most days, some symptoms completely resolved and better than 100%, so it is possible to heal and continue to heal. I'm coming up on 15 months and others are still healing beyond 18 months so at 10 or 11 months, you have a ways to go.  I am sorry to read about your marital problems.  Is your husband perhaps willing to try some marital therapy?  Even if he is frustrated with your lack of activity since detox, it seems that there might be kinder ways to communicate his frustration.  If things are beyond therapy, perhaps you might benefit from some individual therapy so you will be strong and be able to cope with things better if the marriage does end.  If finances are a problem, there are some free clinics or sliding scales, you can call around.  

 

Keep us posted,

 

Vertigo

[[li...]]

Congratz T C keep up the good work I am kinda at a stand still with mine every time I try to cut the xanax down I hit bad w/d plus I think  I am having problems with the clonozpam I have been holding at .50 mg for at least two months. Good luck to All and thank God for the windows.

[[st...]]

Hi all, Just thought I'd drop on by over here and check things out.  

 

Firstly, to Colleen, please be aware that your husband is abusive.  Abuse takes many forms, and its not just physical.  I am terribly sorry you are going thru this.  I hope you can get some space from him as you continue to heal.  

 

Now folks, as for me, I am 15 months free, and still sick most of the time.  Compared to a year ago though, I am a walking miracle.  What is worst for me is the tardive dyskensia in my mouth, but I do not blame this on klonopin, but on the Reglan my neuro gave me for my migraines.  Interestingly enough, since benzos are out of me, I rarely get a migraine.

 

I still suffer from the extreme lethargy and lack of interest in most things, although I think I am retaining more than I realize. I still spend most my days in bed, but my doggie is my companion, he sticks with me thru thick or thin.  Also, the responsibility of having him: walking him, feeding him etc, has , in my opinion been crucial in my recovery.

 

My shrink is willing to try tetrabenazine for my mouth.  Its a very difficult drug to get, only four pharmacies in the country authorized to distribute it.  I called the company today , with good results, I may even get it for free.  This drug is not without its side effects.  I must be vigilant with it.

 

My personal life has taken a dive, but its almost a good thing.  I will not repeat past mistakes.  Moreover,  I do realize the giant leap forward in recognizing folks that are not good for me.

 

I guess thats about it for me.  Oh ya, the twitches and stuff, but that is nothing.

[[ve...]]

Hey Star. Congrats on 15 months .  I'm a month behind ya .   I say congrats even though you said you are still feeling sick because I think you might be even feeling worse if still embroiled in the benzo beast so please don't take it that I don't understand you are still struggling and suffering with some challenging health problems, some of which may still be your CNS healing and benzo related.  Yet you did acknowledge that some of it may not be related to benzos too.  In my case, I think it's a combo.  I had issues before benzos, such as anxiety and somewhat of an unhealthy lifestyle,  so I am "working" on that as well as other things like diet and exercise.  Glad you have your dog by your side to get you out a little and to distract your from your suffering and maybe get some lovin too .  We just got a puppy and it's been mostly great but a little stressful too, a mixed bag as many things in life can be. Glad you don't get the migraines much anymore and I wish you continued healing in the new year,

 

 

Vertigo (no more)

[[Ma...]]

I think my poor body has developed a real hyper sensitivity to stress brought on by a huge onslaught of it back in July. Had an odd encounter with a protein bar that left me feeling sub par which could freak me out but I have a new mantra, no matter what, every morning I say to myself "I am in the best position I could possibly be in", meaning off the drugs and healing. This lightens the mood first thing. Or if I wake in the night and start to remember "where I'm at", I remind myself again this, now, is the best of all possible worlds. It'll be what it'll be, but I've done what needed to be done to assure the most positive outcome and there was simply nothing else to do. So yes Verti, we're all in a really good place now in that sense (there should be an icon for beaming beatifically).

 

Hard to believe my body could hate a protein bar that much, but I felt just as bad two weeks ago from only two days of (rather extreme) stress. Was it the fear of the protein bar that was too much for me? No kidding. There was trepidation and about an hour after eating it my breathing shut down for about half an hour... I don't know, it passed, I wasn't too worried, so I had some more yesterday, just a whisper of a sliver to "see" and same thing happened after an hour and by last night I was so ill I could hardly believe it.... who knows.... clearly I'm delicate right now. This is all going to past and this is still the best position I could be in...

 

Dunno how I would have gotten through all this without my two cats.  Animals are the best.

m

 

[[gi...]]

Hey Marina,

 

I bet it's not the protein bar itself but one of its ingredients. If you're the slightest bit sensitive to amino acids, that could be what's caused your symptom flares.  I think stress is bad news for everyone post benzos. I've yet to find anyone whose body doesn't "over react", in one way or another, to the slightest thing.  Mine still does that, but not as bad as it used to, so I'm hoping it'll lessen even more over time.

 

ginger

[[...]]

Hi,

 

I am with Ginger on this one. There is a possibility there is something else in the protein bar that is causing the problems too. Amino acids/proteins actually are supposed to help rebuild neurotransmitters. I found that eating more protein was actually helpful, especially in the morning when I had alot of symptoms early on. I agree with you the CNS is so sensitive after wd that it could be anything. This sure is a crazy process. I hope you start feeling better soon.

 

TC

[[Mi...]]

I have to agree about the amino acids.  They really do a number on me.

[[as...]]

Aren't amino acids in a lot of foods we "should" be eating like eggs, beans, rice and meat?

[[Mi...]]

Aren't amino acids in a lot of foods we "should" be eating like eggs, beans, rice and meat?

 

Yes, but sometimes if you get them by way of a supplement like a protein bar, they can be problematic for some of us.

[[...]]

Aren't amino acids in a lot of foods we "should" be eating like eggs, beans, rice and meat?

 

Yep..and the building blocks....for helping rebuild your neurotransmitters..

 

I try to get protein through food too..rather than supplements..although occasionally I will have a shake or something...I tend to stay away from the bars too..

 

TC

[[Ma...]]

Nope Ginger, no amino acids, the main ingredient is "power bar trisource" :soy protein isolate, whey protein isolate and calcium caseinate. Then it's all natural and yummy sounding and delicious so, well, whatever, it is what it is.

 

Feeling better thanks TC, still have some brain pressure in the morning which is only since the power bar but whatever, I'll try it again in maybe three months and see how it goes. It can be my litmus test. I used to eat them like crazy while I was on the Ativan, didn't bother me then. I'm much more sensitive off drugs than on and for me, it didn't "hit" until 4 months off.

 

I have a new friend and I told her what's going on. She's going through something unimaginable herself and has been diagnosed with PTSD. We have all the same sxs except for the sensitivities and she's never touched drugs (and I won't let her!! She's smart, she wasn't going to anyway). Amazing. She said that where I was (in life, the not knowing) sounded scary and I said "I don't know, we passed scary so long ago" and we laughed. She's a good one that one.

 

Beautiful Thursday after Snowmageddon (what they were calling the big storm around here) and it looks like we got about a foot. Nothing really. Sun on the snow and I have work to do.

Happy Trails!!

m

[[gi...]]

calcium caseinate.

 

I tried to take calcium for a good year before it finally stopped affecting me adversely. It might be worth trying pure whey or soy protein, like in a shake, to see if you have the same reaction.

[[ve...]]

Hey Marina. Sorry you had that reaction to the protein bar. some of those bars have so many ingredients, they can't be very good for you.  I like to bring my own snack bag of nuts, sometimes a little smart bran cereal mixed in with the nuts.  Some people swear by pumpkin seeds. I like almonds, sunflower seeds, a few macadamia nuts.

 

Ginger. I've been using a pretty good whey protein powder in my smoothies. It's Whey Factors 100% natural Whey protein (non -denatured whatever that means, microfiltered, no growth hormones) which is by Natural Factors.  No added sugar, No artificial sweeteners and GMO free. I get it at my local health food store.  It's been pretty good, though not cheap.   I also take supplemental calcium with D to supplement magnesium which I take twice a day.

 

On a less healthy note, though some would say heart healthy , I had two glasses red wine yesterday afternoon.  I've had wine or beer maybe 5 times in the last five months without any s/x except on one occasion when I drank beer.  Slept pretty well last night too.  I think for me, the key was stopping at 2 glasses which were sipped slowly over about 60-90 minutes.  I was very mindful of each sip and also when I started to feel a little light headed, I stopped.  I was never a big drinker but before benzos, I'd occasionally drink as much as 3-4 glasses of wine at a party, picnic or concert over three or four hours.  I've not had hard liquor in several years.  Since the taper ended in November 2009, I had beer or wine on about 10-15 occasions in the last 14 months so an average of once a month but there were many months I had nothing and some months I had it twice.

 

Not saying anyone should be drinking after benzos, but I'm pretty sure some folks have had some alcohol after taper.  Curious if anyone else has had any experience to share on the subject.

 

Vertigo

[[Ma...]]

Hey Verti, you really sound like you're pretty much done with this process. I tried a sixth of the bar as a test, to see where I was as I use to tolerate them well. This was idiotic as my big project is coming up in 10 days and now I have to recover from this (surprising how long it's taking, rather rough night last night and good solid head pressure today) but oh well, nothing I can do now. I have a tendency to develop sensitivities from withdrawal, have developed rather severe ones in the past, I was hoping this time would be different, silly really. It'll be what it will be and this is the bet of all possible worlds (now stop testing yourself!!!! that's me talking to me, not to you  )

m

[[ve...]]

Hey Verti, you really sound like you're pretty much done with this process. I tried a sixth of the bar as a test, to see where I was as I use to tolerate them well. This was idiotic as my big project is coming up in 10 days and now I have to recover from this (surprising how long it's taking, rather rough night last night and good solid head pressure today) but oh well, nothing I can do now. I have a tendency to develop sensitivities from withdrawal, have developed rather severe ones in the past, I was hoping this time would be different, silly really. It'll be what it will be and this is the bet of all possible worlds (now stop testing yourself!!!! that's me talking to me, not to you  )

m

 

Hi Marina, I think we do test ourselves to some extent.  It's pretty much trial and error.  After about 5 months, I was ready to test the waters on a couple glasses of wine.  I tested it prematurely at 5 weeks and paid the price. I retested beer in July and it was fine and then it wasn't in October.  Of course there could be other factors like spicy or other foods consumed with it. As for the protein bars, you seem to be testing out if it really was the bar by having a small fraction of it.  Maybe you're allergic to something in it like soy or some sugar alcohol.  It's frustrating because there are often so many ingredients, hard to say which one it is.  Anyhow, hope you will feel well when your big project comes up this month.

 

Take care,

 

Vertigo

[[Ma...]]

I was fine with a little alcohol right out of the gate and it got worse at five months ( ) but Ive got all that delightful hormonal stuff happening at the same time as well. Timing really never has been my strongsuit (to quote The King's Speech.. GREAT movie).

 

Thanks Verti, from your lips to god's ears. I'm just going to have to fake it if need be.

xxx

m

[[ke...]]

Hi it's me again with updates, going to post again

Agoraphobia and sweating are gone. I have been out a lot...anxiety is not as bad but it comes in waves. The repeating thought thing is mostly gone. I'm still twitching and sometimes pretty badly, but it's not nearly as often. I get nervous when it's in my neck or torso and in public. It mostly is in my legs.

Not sweating is pretty awesome...so is going outside I am out a lot lately, I can also drink a little bit without feeling bad. I feel like I've got a lot better.

The only real problem I'm still having is this depression/anxiety combo that is really hard to deal with. It's usually random but I notice it also comes if I get a dizzy spell which makes me think it has to with withdrawing. The feeling is just a really really horrible feeling, fear of dying or getting sick, and like nothing will help ever, all at once. I've never had this kind of depression before since it's erratic and not as bad as it was, I hope it will just go away. At the same time I'm really scared the thoughts will be habit forming. It helps more if I am with people or doing faith-related stuff but not always. Bah

I still have insomnia too.

[[ve...]]

Thanks for your post Kerosene.  Sounds like you've made some progress if not for the anxiety and depression.  It's only four months that you've been off the benzo so you're still healing.  I had some of the oscillations at 3 and 4 months too. I posted about alcohol a couple days ago. I really think it's best to let your body heal and give the GABA a break til at least the six month mark if you can, particularly if you're feeling some depression as alcohol is a depressant.  As far as thoughts becoming habit forming, it's tricky. Let your thoughts come freely.  Trying to stop them or resist them can make it more difficult.  Try to be compassionate with your thoughts, understand that your're still healing. Gently add some positives if you can find some or focus on some things to be grateful to balance some of the negatives rather than trying to eliminate the negatives. 

 

Hang in there,

 

Vertigo

[[gi...]]

Hey V,

 

I'm right there with you on the alcohol.  It's only been since the last 4 months or so that I can drink 1 glass of wine or a bottle of weak beer without any recourse. A year ago I could only sip a white wine spritzer over the course of an hour or I'd get hit by it. Now, 2 glasses of wine and I'm drunk; not buzzed, like I'd be "in the old days", but drunk. I can't drink microbrews which I really used to be into.  I've had one hard spirit in the lat 2 years and my face went bright red and I got a headache.

 

I guess my martini days are over!

 

You know for me I think part of not wanting to get drunk (I.e., drink 2 glasses of wine) is that now when I start feeling like that it throws me right back into horrible PTS from 2009.  I just do not like giving up control of my brain to a foreign substance; been there, done that!

 

I get my whey protein from GNC. They have one that's loaded with all kinds of amino acids and one that's 100% pure whey.  I'm kind of addicted to my protein shakes anymore:  2 C 2% milk, a banana and/or 1 C berries, scoop of powder.  That's my mid-morning/pre-workout drink and often my post workout drink, too.

 

Some recent drama has caused my bones to start burning again and my brain to sizzle. Dang it. I was doing so well!  Stress really is our enemy.

 

be well,

 

ginger

[[ve...]]

Hey Ginger.  I don't get drunk after 2 glasses of wine but I do feel it.  I'd be terrified to have a martini.  Not worth it to me with all the reflux issues to boot.  I'm happy to stick with the occasional glass or two of vino and skip the beer and other booze.

 

Cheers (or not )

 

V

[[ke...]]

thanks V. I'm not a heavy drinker but it was awkward during the holidays not to have any eggnog  lol. I never drink when I am depressed either luckily. but I like a mixed drink every once in awhile.

 

I am going to start meditating again, the kind of meditating where you just sit and sort of let it flow and see how you react to thoughts. Also, I started some dream therapy and it actually helped. I am getting these crazy vivid dreams since withdrawal, so I figured why not. Reading about positive dreams, nice places, and breathing well before I've been going to sleep helps me feel better when I wake up. Just wish I could actually sleep more in the first place...lol.

[[ve...]]

Meditation and focusing on some of your dreams seems like it could be very beneficial, Kerosene.  I have found meditation has been helpful to my healing process a lot.  It doesn't have to be a complicated process. Just trying to be mindful of thoughts and less reactionary to them, is a start.  As you get more practice with it, you learn that trying not to react is a reaction and you can observe that thought too.  Just flowing with your thoughts in a curious way, remembering to breathe can ease tension.  Of course, trying to get something like reduce tension can be counterproductive too.  The idea is to just let things flow like leaves on a stream.  The result often may be a reduction of tension and more relaxed feeling, but I still sometimes catch myself with an agenda and often bring myself back to just breathing.  There are of course other more prescribed meditations which some people find helpful.  My sleep is usually better when I read something positive or uplifting regarding mindfulness, healing... before bed.  That's a great idea to read on positive dreams or dream symbols before bed. It's like giving your mind a subtle wish to dream and remember your dreams.  I think that affirmations can be helpful too as long as they are not demands or orders from the inner critic/ego.  Hope you had a good night's rest last night.  As for the eggnog, I skipped it because of the calories, but I know it can be rough to give up some habitual pleasures at the holidays due to benzo recovery.  There's always next year (which is this year, only 11 months away).

 

Best,

 

Vertigo

[[Sw...]]

Hi Vertigo.

I am currently reading Eckart Tolle, "The Power of Now".  Have you read this?  Boy, it all seems so amazing to me.  How did he go from being a anxiety ridden, depressed mess to having all these revelations?  I can't seem to grasp how to practice what he is telling us.  I am going to have to re-read again and again...