Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[ve...]]

It's been a few days now and I think the zantac is going to be enough from here.  I started the taper off prilosec 2 1/2 weeks ago. After a couple weeks, I'll start to taper the zantac.  Not quite medication free but phase one may be complete.  I'm hopeful that being off the prilosec will help restore my gut to normal functioning, improve the immune system as well as help raise energy levels some.  We'll see how it goes.

 

Have a great weekend everyone,

 

Vertigo

[[Ma...]]

Congratulations, that's wonderful news!! I'm with you, as little interference as out bodies can get, the faster and more complete healing will be (except where necessary of course, I'd love to do without my synthroid but that's life). You have a great weekend too!! Great Weekend everyone!!

m

[[Bi...]]

Ashlee –

 

I know it is scary and disheartening to read about those who are still suffering when they are further off and you are earlier in your recovery.  I recall around 2-3 months off posting, looking for hope from others who were on lower doses of benzo (I thought since I was on a "lower" dose, that I would maybe get lucky and be healed by 6 months off).  Unfortunately, I didn’t get much hope AT ALL….and I just broke down crying and pretty much lost it.  I will never forget that day!  But Vertigo makes a good point that the ones who have gotten better sooner, really aren’t partaking in these kinds of threads, so just because some here are still suffering at longer times out is not indicative of what your recovery journey will end up being like.  I’m only 8 months off (and 1 week – gotta add that one week in there, ha!), so I feel like I’m still early, too, but I have to say that even though this has proven to be a very up and down experience, I am much better than I was at 6 months off.  Overall, more human-like qualities are creeping back in, and I’m gaining more mental clarity, sleeping more, etc.  Yes, there are some really bad days/patches, but I know I’m getting there.  Some who are further off will also tell you the same…that yes, they are still suffering with symptoms, but it is not to the degree it was at 6 months off or whatever.  The 6-18 months (or so) is a general timeframe for healing…to feel like your old self again, consistently, leaving benzo madness in the past…this doesn’t mean you are going to suffer at this level the entire time, and you may completely heal much faster than that, too.  

 

I think it really becomes relative.  Upon reflecting about this last night, I realized just how far I’ve come…but many times we can only really truly assess what we are feeling in the here and now, and when it still feels bad to us, it’s hard to see that it really is better than it was, because we just want to be 100%.  When forced to look back, there is no doubt I’ve made a lot of progress as far as intensity of some of the symptoms, and also, when I get hit with them, the amount of time they stick around at an intense level is less.  And I try really hard to remind myself that when I’m suffering, it means healing – no pain, no gain.  It’s such a difficult rollercoaster of a ride, but I think we have to hang on tight and have faith that we are healing and also moving closer to the day that this will be nothing more than a bad memory.  

 

[[Bi...]]

Vertigo – Congrats on beating the Prilosec!  I think you’re doing great, and I do believe in time your gut will restore itself to its natural state.  I feel like this entire situation is one big re-vamping of our mind and body.  I always try to tell myself that when this is over, I will have learned so much about how to more naturally maintain health….right now we are overcoming years of our bodies taking various abuses, and I suppose we can’t expect this to improve overnight.  We’re a work in progress, but I really think the end outcome is going to be so worth it, and many of us may live better and healthier than we ever have.  I often feel we’re like Rocky – fighting our way to the top.  Takes a lot of time and effort, not to mention pain and misery, but we’ll get there. 

 

Marina – I noticed in your blog you mentioned the sore throat!  I just had to say that I’m getting that a lot, too, lately.  I’ve had it on and off throughout this, but it would come and go very quickly, but lately it’s been happening even more.  And about a week or so ago, I was pretty sure I was getting sick…a cold or something, and my throat was hurting BAD.  For me it’s not exactly a scratchy throat, but hurts quite bad when I swallow, usually on the right side down into my neck.  Hunkered down thinking I was getting sick (had a few other cold-like symptoms), but the next day by the afternoon, it had vanished into thin air.  Now it’s back again!  What the heck!  Very interesting all the things our body does when it’s healing.

 

[[...]]

 

A call out to all ye grizzled benzo veterans.

 

I would really appreciate it, if you guys would take a look at my blog and respond to my post about when we should post success stories....

 

I have been curious about that for a while...and I will not rehash what my thoughts are here....because I posted a lengthy post on my blog, I really would like feedback from any of you that has the time to read that post....and respond....and feel free to completely disagree with my definition of success if you want I just want some serious feedback....from people who have been there..

 

I believe you guys all paved the way for me to get benzo free...and I appreciate that...and I think it is now my job to follow the lead of those of you that helped me.....I am a big fan of "keeping it real" when it comes to wd and what may come our way...and I picked alot of that up from experience and from watching you guys set the standard..

 

Please get over there and post..when ya can...I rarely ask anyone to post on my blog..but I think this will be a good discussion...

 

Thank you..

 

TC

[[ve...]]

A call out to all ye grizzled benzo veterans.

I would really appreciate it, if you guys would take a look at my blog and respond to my post about when we should post success stories....

TC

 

Yes sir.  Will head over there now.

 

V

[[...]]

V,

 

Thank you very much for giving me some feedback.

 

I really feel the people in this thread and the others who have been through this....really are like teachers when it comes to wd.  We should do our best to give people a realistic view of what may happen.

 

I know some people want all puppies and rainbows, but what a shocker it is to those people when things aren't all puppies and rainbows. I think we should be prepared for the worst and if that doesn't happen, cool, we were at least prepared for it. I'd rather take that approach than stick my head in the sand, or cover my ears and say NA NA NA I CANT HEAR YOU.

 

TC

[[Bi...]]

TC -- Good topic of discussion over on your blog!  Lots of excellent, thoughtful posts.

 

 

I wanted to share something with everyone, because it's kind of a big deal to me.  I've had three days this week in which my anxiety was low and tolerable and maybe even to the point that it wasn't really there.  I have not had this throughout the entire withdrawal, and even for a long time while I was so sick on the Paxil and Xanax!!  Also, I am extremely agoraphobic and have been dealing with this for quite some time.  Earlier on in w/d I was getting out for some walks and rides, and then I got slammed so it got pretty bad again to where I was only going out in my yard...but today I got in the truck with my boyfriend and took a ride for the first time in 3 whole months, followed by a short walk to the end of the road (so cold, and my body pains don't let me do too much quite yet).  Anyway, it's kind of a big deal for me, so I wanted to share.  I felt nervous and the floating/dizzy feelings were not too fun, but I fought through it and we rode around for a decent amount of time.  Wasn't far from my house, but baby steps, I suppose.  I feel really good about accomplishing this today -- such a simple thing, but for me, huge.

 

Don't worry, though, I won't run off and post a success story or anything.    Totally joking.  I just couldn't resist, considering the recent TC blog topic, and somehow, some way, have to keep the humor in this situation whenever possible.   

[[ve...]]

Hey TC.  I'm gonna post one of my replies on your blog here so that others can weigh in here as well on a very good discussion topic.  I'm going to suggest several phases of success within recovery off benzos.  I'm curious to hear other's input as to what ought to separate out the phases.  I have not thought it out for hours or anything, just put together a few ideas below.

 

Great news Bittersweet about the lowering of anxiety the last few days and getting out today.  Progress is progress, even if they are "baby steps".  Way to go .

 

(from TC's blog)

Let me just add that I don't really read the success stories anymore.  I used to look at a few when I was tapering and a few months off but I did get frustrated when I'd see some of those initial reports, knowing that in some ways it seemed silly to not wait (in the case of valium for example) 30 days for the poison to process out and make sure the full impact of withdrawal has set in if it's were to do so.  Yet I do understand that just being off the benzo for some is a kind of victory in itself and I wouldn't want to take that away from anyone.  Yes, it can seem a bit naive (initially) to just post that one is free and feeling good about it, but I do understand where the need is coming from after accomplishing something as big as benzo freedom.  

 

Perhaps phase one might be just getting off the poison after however many months or years of tapering and suffering to get there.  In the case of a c/t or detox over a few days or perhaps a week, I don't think I'd view that the same way, although there certainly is something to be said for somebody who is willing to go through that kind of pain to be off as opposed to taking an easier way of continud  addiction.  Yet I am more leery of the c/t who claims success until at least a few months out to make sure reinstatement is not going to happen. I don't think I've seen a c/t or detox where six months out, they would define their situation as a success.  I've been on forum for over two years and can't recall a case, maybe some of you might and I'd like to hear about them if they're out there.

 

Perhaps Phase 2 of success might be about the six month point where the individual has managed to stay free of benzos.  Perhaps he or she still has three or four symptoms that are moderate to severe, maybe a few others that are more mild,  maybe they're still taking an a/d or maybe had to add an a/d to get through the rough spots.  In this phase, one has either not tried alcohol or may have and had a bad reaction, perhaps they pondered staying off alcohol permanently (which is fine).  One may still have other addictions like nicotine for example.  Much healing has taken place but is not yet "complete".

 

Perhaps Phase 3 is at about a year off, perhaps a little longer (or could be less).  The individual at this point may feel at least 90% in general, a few symptoms (may) linger but (very importantly) the individual is re-engaging or starting to get with life outside of the home.  They're able to work or parent or do whatever they feel they want to achieve as well if not better than before benzos.  I think it is important to point out, as has been mentioned in previous posts, that one may not have been in ideal health BEFORE benzos.  Some folks like me took the valium for insomnia and anxiety and had other health issues like high cholesterol, overweight, some degree of low energy and fatigue (which may also be a result of too much anxiety and/or being overweight).  This is where it gets tricky for me, because I view myself in this nebulous phase 3 area.  I'm really not far off from where I was before benzos and in some important ways am far better off in terms of sleeping well, lowered cholesterol, lower weight, eating much healthier and feeling better in many ways, not needing coffee or caffeine to wake up in the morning... yet anxiety is higher than it was before I took that first valium.  If not for that, I would have posted a success story a few months ago.  There may be other aspects of phase 3 that I may be leaving out and welcome other's input.   One area of controvesy might be "other medications".  In my case, I really felt like I wanted to taper off prilosec (a PPI for acid reflux/GERD) before I define my success.  Others have told me they want to taper off an a/d before they're really going to be happy with their health or define "success".  Some might be ok staying on the a/d, might have been on one before benzos and wasn't really a problem until they met the benzo beast.   For me though, I had to finish the prilosec and I am in that process now, but I do not judge those who choose to remain on some other medications.

 

Phase 4 is what I would describe as "ultimate success".  In this scenario, pretty much all symptoms are either gone or at least less than what they were BEFORE benzos.  I'm not looking for perfection as we're all human and may fall back into some issue for a short time, whether it's insomnia or a bad mood or something else.  Tim and I have discussed how it is sometimes easier to guage physical symptoms that seem to be common with klonopin or some of the other benzos, such as tingling, burning, twitches... versus the psychological ones that seem to be more common with valium, for example.

 

Based on the above loose definitions of a separation of phases of success, I'd say I'm somewhere between phase 3 and 4.  I think some of the issues that Tim and I have been a little frustrated with is when folks post a "success" story after reaching what I have just described as "phase one".   Of course that's totally fine.  I am not aware of the forum placing any restrictions on when to post a success story.  And as I've indicated, I think one ought to get a  lot of credit in some ways for just embarking or making an effort to get off benzos, yet alone finishing a long fought after goal which for many took months or years to accomplish.  

 

Ok, that's all I've got for now.

 

Vertigo

[[gi...]]

TC -- Good topic of discussion over on your blog!  Lots of excellent, thoughtful posts.

 

 

I wanted to share something with everyone, because it's kind of a big deal to me.  I've had three days this week in which my anxiety was low and tolerable and maybe even to the point that it wasn't really there.  I have not had this throughout the entire withdrawal, and even for a long time while I was so sick on the Paxil and Xanax!!  Also, I am extremely agoraphobic and have been dealing with this for quite some time.  Earlier on in w/d I was getting out for some walks and rides, and then I got slammed so it got pretty bad again to where I was only going out in my yard...but today I got in the truck with my boyfriend and took a ride for the first time in 3 whole months, followed by a short walk to the end of the road (so cold, and my body pains don't let me do too much quite yet).  Anyway, it's kind of a big deal for me, so I wanted to share.  I felt nervous and the floating/dizzy feelings were not too fun, but I fought through it and we rode around for a decent amount of time.  Wasn't far from my house, but baby steps, I suppose.  I feel really good about accomplishing this today -- such a simple thing, but for me, huge.

 

Don't worry, though, I won't run off and post a success story or anything.     Totally joking.  I just couldn't resist, considering the recent TC blog topic, and somehow, some way, have to keep the humor in this situation whenever possible.   

 

 

I don't think this success is in the least bit trivial, bittersweet!  This is positively huge!  Congratulations on reconnecting with the outside world! And better still, congratulations on fighting the symptoms in order to enjoy your day. 

 

I think in this process it's important to be aware when at the crossroads between submission and passive resistance, and passive resistance and deflection. The key is recognizing those internal shifts, and knowing when to strike back.  It seems like you recognized that shift!

 

Here's to more days like todays!

 

 

ginger

[[Bi...]]

Thanks, Vertigo and Ginger!  I really appreciate the fact that you guys can see what a big step this was for me.  One reason why I love this forum so much...people understand how hard this battle is!

 

Leaving the house has become this huge ordeal ever since going into tolerance on the benzo about 2.5 years ago, due to the sheer fear and terror that overtook my life, creating a few phobias, including the agoraphobia.  Getting out has been even more of a challenge for me in the past year.  It has been hugely mental, of course, but add in all the crazy, intense physical sxs and sensations, and I've become quite the shut-in.  After I got out, my boyfriend said to me, "I'm so proud very of you."  I had a moment in which I almost felt silly.....normal people leave the house on a regular basis without thinking twice about it, what is my problem here?  I felt like I could be compared to a child being potty trained who made poo poo on the toilet for the first time.  lol  But then I realized that this is what can happen with these drugs...it can get this bad, and it's a fight to make it to the other side.  And I know many experience the agoraphobia at different levels while on the meds, tapering, and in recovery.  Sometimes I feel screwed because of how long this has been going on, but this past week I've seen, more than ever, that overcoming all of this is not an impossible feat.  I trust as my physical symptoms start simmering down, I will have more strength to put into pushing myself to get out more. 

 

Ginger, I think you are right that you need to know when to strike back and grab that opportunity and do something with it.  I'm very social by nature and not the hermit-type at all, so I know every time I feel able to do this, I will indeed push, and hopefully it will start getting easier, and as I gain physical strength and more confidence, I can really dig in and work on it so I can fully function in society again!  That almost seems like a fantasy at times, but I know how bad I want it, so I will succeed.

 

Thank you so much for such positive support.    It's great to have a place to discuss this...if any of you have had battles with the agoraphobia, I'd love to hear about it.

[[Ma...]]

Well, I forced myself, I really thought I couldn't do it but... I went out first to the Opera, 5 hours, Don Carlo and then to dinner and then out.... get ready... dancing, live band very cool. Didn't drink and left early but I did it and had a blast and even a nice little boost to the old ego which let's face it, we can't really live without, regardless of what the sages say and anyone, I'm not one (sage that is). So, I think in recovery at least some of the time the old adage is true, when in doubt, go out. Honestly, I'm shocked at what a good time I had. But when I'd had enough, I left, period. I feel good about that. Good life skills. This was the first time in 2 years. Not bad at all.

Wow.

Happy Sunday!

m

 

[[ve...]]

It's so nice to hear some positive reports Marina and Bittersweet.  Sometimes this thread can get a little over focused on the downsides of recovery.  A recent buddy came here and felt more discouraged .   So I'm very happy both for you guys and for those who might venture to read the post benzo freedom thread and find a few upbeat posts .  Like TC and others have said, nobody wants sugar coating and lies either, but sometimes, at least I know with me, one tends to over focus on the half of the glass that is empty rather than what is full.  So thanks again.  I like that expression "when in doubt, go out". I also had some good news the other day, looks like my prilosec taper is over .  I woke up this morning feeling pretty good and only took the DGL (licorice tablet) which is a more natural remedy for acid reflux.  It's been about four days since my last prilosec.  I will still plan to taper off the zantac and DGL in the coming weeks.  

 

There's a really interesting discussion about benzo recovery and how to define "success" over on TC's blog for those of you who may have missed it.  

 

Happy Sunday,

 

Vertigo (and prilosec no more )

 

[[Bi...]]

I agree, nice to have some positve reports flowing in. 

 

Vertigo, that is just great about the Prilosec..definite victory!  Prilosec no more!  And, Marina, I'm so glad you were able to go enjoy the opera and a night out. 

 

 

Feeling "okay" again today, so maybe I will try another ride, and maybe even push some of my "boundaries" on how far I go.  We'll see. 

 

Thanks, you guys, you're a huge encouragement and inspiration.

 

Sweet 

[[Ma...]]

Hi Bittersweet, Verti... Congrats all around, it really is exciting news, you Verti that you're almost drug free and you Bittersweet, that you're finding your old social self again.

 

I can be a loner but I love fun, always have. Actually, last night as I was leaving, I said goodbye to some women I met and one of them said she loved my enthusiasm. She'd be pretty enthusiastic if it was her first time out to a club in 2 years too but truthfully, I've always been like that. I'm a kid at heart and I'm going to be one of those old women who just does not know how to behave!! The only fall out today is that excitement gives me heart palps and dancing till after midnight would just not allow me calm down properly enough to sleep well. Woke up after 5 hours and man, I was awake but that's ok, it was well worth it.

 

For those who get scared when this thread gets blue, people usually don't seek out support when they feel good so just imagine all the folks out there having a grand old time not thinking about anything but the life they're grateful to have back. When you consider how many people are put on these awful drugs, how many withdraw and how few are on forums with protracted withdrawal, you get a clearer idea of how good your chances really are. 

We're all going to be fine.

m

[[...]]

Marina,

 

Excellent post!

 

I agree with you...there are so many people that don't even need a forum like this...as they are able to get off the benzos more easily...I am glad we have this place for those of us who aren't so lucky

 

It sounds like you had a pretty good night out

 

TC

[[ve...]]

Sounds like you had some good old fashioned fun the other night, Marina .  It's refreshing to hear that you've found some enthusiasm for your  life back. That is no doubt encouraging for many to read.

 

Best ,

 

V

[[Sw...]]

Hello.  Nice to see the positive posts.  I was doing really well.  Then over the weekend I was hit with a wave.  It has been bearable, although last night I was hit with insomnia, anxiety and depression all at once.  All I have to say about this latest trifecta is, "Really???  Is this a cruel joke?"  I'm hanging in there.  When this has happened in the past I have not even been able to drive my son to school.  I must be making some progress because as terrible as I feel, I pushed myself to hide my tears, put on a happy face (fakin' it)  and get my son to school in a positive way.  I really don't want him to know about what I am going through - he's only 8 and such a happy-go-lucky kid.  Want to keep it that way.

Here's praying this latest wave is my Grand Finale...

Take Care Buddies!

[[ve...]]

Hello.   Nice to see the positive posts.  I was doing really well.  Then over the weekend I was hit with a wave.   It has been bearable, although last night I was hit with insomnia, anxiety and depression all at once.  All I have to say about this latest trifecta is, "Really???  Is this a cruel joke?"  I'm hanging in there.  When this has happened in the past I have not even been able to drive my son to school.  I must be making some progress because as terrible as I feel, I pushed myself to hide my tears, put on a happy face (fakin' it)  and get my son to school in a positive way.   I really don't want him to know about what I am going through - he's only 8 and such a happy-go-lucky kid.   Want to keep it that way.

Here's praying this latest wave is my Grand Finale...

Take Care Buddies!

 

Hi SweetP. Sorry about the recent wave.  They can sneak up on ya.  I know what you  mean about putting on a happy face for your son.  I have a boy and mine was also young when I took the first valium, not unsimilar to your circumstance, by the way, an accidental addiction developed after taking a relatively low dose for a few week Int'l trip. I don't recall if we've discussed this or not.  I read in your signature that you were not on valium very long either.  Isn't it amazing (and disgusting) how quickly one can become dependent after a short period of time?  I was really surprised.  Well, gotta just do the best we can with the circumstances.  

 

Best wishes,

 

Vertigo (no more)

[[Sw...]]

Oh Vertigo, I'm still finding it so hard to believe that short term, low dose benzo use has done what it has to me.  Sometimes I still second guess myself and think its all just me.  I hate when I do that because it just makes me more confused.  Did you ever second guess yourself?  Then I think about the timing, the symptoms, and it seems like a textbook benzo w/d.  We all have a point of no return and its different for everyone.  Once the GABA receptors are damaged, thats it, need time for healing.

[[ve...]]

Oh Vertigo, I'm still finding it so hard to believe that short term, low dose benzo use has done what it has to me.   Sometimes I still second guess myself and think its all just me.   I hate when I do that because it just makes me more confused.  Did you ever second guess yourself?  Then I think about the timing, the symptoms, and it seems like a textbook benzo w/d.   We all have a point of no return and its different for everyone.  Once the GABA receptors are damaged, thats it, need time for healing.

 

It really is unfortunate sometimes SweetP, but I've tried to learn from the experience and truth be told, there have been some positives that I have gleaned from the experience.  It's been a trip, one I sometimes wish hadn't ever happened, but that's not all that helpful either.  We can express the loss and feelings of regret but what really matters is what we do with what is in front of us.  Yes, there can be some benefit to looking back and reflecting over things, perhaps to recount what we've learned or could do better in the future.  I'm tired of feeling regrets over taking those tiny blue pills two years ago or drinking a glass of wine here or there during or after the taper. Maybe I'm tired of being tired .  I've fortunately gotten to a place where I accept what is now and just try to do the best I can to keep healing.  I think you probably feel the same way.  It's ok to have a setback or feel whatever emotion comes up. I'm sure you don't like having to fake it with your son or that you don't know if another setback will happen in a less desirable place or time.  Part of healing for me is trying to accept that life is by definition, uncertain.  If we can embrace some of the uncertainty and try to flow with it, it sometimes makes things a little less tense.

 

Chat soon,

 

Vertigo (and tension no more )

Of course that is not the point!

[[Sw...]]

Vertigo (no more) - your words are so wise and calming.  Thank you.  Yes, sometimes I wish I had a do over, but like you I know when I hit the finish line I will be a much better, stronger person.  Don't ask me how I know this because in my mind I am still not 100% convinced its the benzo that did this to me -  that is a big problem.    Once you figured out you were in benzo w/d, did you ever doubt that diagnosis and think it was all in your head?

[[Ma...]]

I did Sweet Pepper!!

 

I even had a shrink convince me of it and I spent thousands of dollars uselessly trying to get over it mentally. That said, I did see that worrying does in fact make things worse, makes you feel worse. So, believing that it's in your head, while it doesn't get rid of the sxs, can actually help alleviate them, convincing you further that it's in your head, giving you a sense of control, making you feel more secure, less anxious and as a result, better. IN other words, it can be such a huge relief, it can actually help turn minor withdrawal effects around. Minor. Only very minor. But it was a good thing to learn. It was helpful then and it's helpful now.

m

[[Sw...]]

Interesting Marina.  The shrink convinced you that it was all in your head?  How did you then figure out it was w/d?

[[Ma...]]

When I went into tolerance and the drug turned paradoxical. This was not in my head. I tried, still went to the shrink, there was absolutely no way of putting a dent in any of it. I knew, my gut knew the drug was killing me. I had gone into therapy with the diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Sensitivities (my wd sxs) and was trying to cure it with my head with a woman who believed you could. Why not right? what were my options? So, I originally had no idea that what I was experiencing was wd. And by at first I mean the first four years of therapy! (I had a long withdrawal).

In gratitude, I'll say that it was the shrink I was seeing who had worked with Peter Breggin, who gave me the book You're Drug Might Be Your Problem which she really didn't understand. She did not believe in withdrawal. I kid you not, didn't "believe" in it, like it was the tooth fairy or Santa Claus. She had been on Benzos herself and had many wd sxs, but when I tried to point out them out, she'd just tell me I looking for excuses. Ridiculous. There are quite a lot of people out there ready to take advantage of anyone in need under the pretext of helping them. She helped. I'm off. I'll get over all this. I understand it now.