6-12 month thread....

[[Fr...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Sounds like matters are better in some ways.

 

Coop - I get head pressure too and when it's bad it is not fun.  It still sounds like you are headed in the right direction with your healing though since this latest wave has passed.  I hope you stay feeling better now that it's passed.  It is wd, not a tumor, keep remembering that and the anxiety will be lessened.

 

Nova  - you're sounding much better, thank goodness.  Have a nice day out with your wife.  It sounds like fun.

 

I can relate to the brain waking up.  One night I had a dream again, something I hadn't had in years, and last night while watching a movie, I had a vivid memory of my oldest son as a child come to life.  It was nice.

 

Peace - good to hear you more upbeat.  You sound better here in your words.

 

Be well all,

Lisa

[[be...]]

Good morning all,

Today I'm one year off This time last year I did not have the physical pain, it was all mental issues. I woke up on July 29th filled with fear and shaking. I had no idea what was going on and as I walked to the bathroom to take an ativan to calm me, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I recognized the symptoms from my xanax withdrawal. I did not want it to be so, I threw myself on the bed and cried and shook all day.

That year is history, I'm moving on and moving up. I know I have a long road of healing ahead of me but I believe the worst is over.

I continue to have the nasty waves but my mindset is better able to deal with them.

I thought I would be further along in my healing at one year off but I just need more healing time.

I feel kind of lost, since this is a six to twelve month thread and I one year off .

I feel comfortable in this room, just like a cozy room in your home.

Have any of you noticed that the more healing you have the less you come here?

I still need a lot of support so I'm not going anywhere.

I wish you all continued healing and many wide open windows.

Much love, Beulah.

 

[[je...]]

Beulah,

 

Congrats!! So happy for you, 1 year is a big accomplishment    I hope you do stick around as I want to hear about your continued success. Jenny

[[pe...]]

Hi Beulah! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you and so happy you're here. You make yourself right at home. Our house is your house!

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Lisa- How are you?

 

I'm not doing great with the Gingko. It's usually a quick and noticable difference for the better. I may have messed up by going up to 90 yesterday. Back to 60 today. Some things are better but anxiety is way up. I'm actually having the urge to ground myself through self harm, cutting type ideas. I have this weird tingling in my forearms and combined with my anxiety, I'm thinking a little deep scratching would feel great. Not gonna do it and sorry if it's too much information. I told the hubby about it. We've decided on three more Gingko days and then off if my anxiety is still so high. No magic pills for withdrawal....

 

Peace2

[[...]]

Peace, sounds like my melatonin experience! I used it for a while and it worked wonderful, stopped after a while. Went through a bought with insomnia, decided to try the melatonin again, with no success! 

 

Hope they anxiety quiets for you!!

 

[[Co...]]

Buelah....CONGRATULATIONS!!!!....Happy Happy One Year....<3....

......I remember last winter when you were having such a tough time with leg pain and fatigue. I am so thrilled for you. Please please stay with us, we need to know how those who are crossing the year mark are doing. ..I am in a very similar pattern...still a lot of healing to go, but handling my s/x so much better. Happy healing to you Buelah...love to you....coop

[[Co...]]

Thanks for the headache suggestions...I did finally take some aspirin. and it eased my headache.

.............Got up this morning after some very good sleep with actual dreaming. About an hour of mild adrenaline surges....and then A WINDOW....a big bright beautiful happy ( smiling at the dog smiling) window. No s/x at all...100% myself and connected to myself and my world. Going shopping with friends for my grandson 's birthday...after my half caf coffee

.....There are absolutely no words that can describe my gratitude for this day. I can't wait to go back to school to volunteer this Fall....When I have a window my tendency is to live full force for a day because my pattern is windows that stay open for only 24 hours and then back to baseline ( 70-75%). I went back on my 'Looking Through the Windows ' journal and speaking in general it seems that my windows are now opening about once every 7-10 days. I wish they were more frequent and remained open longer but I can clearly see the improvement. Keeping an improvement journal has been very important to me because often when I am stuck at baseline or in a wave I am tempted to believe the Benzo Beast and literally can not remember the windows.

....I am off to birthday shop while my window is open and will drop in again this evening. I so wish I could spread the sunshine of this window over eveary single one of you...coop

....PS....Buelah.. yes, when I am feeling good I post less because I am out grabbing on to life. Having said that, I love everyone in this group so much.  I try to read posts each day. It is only because of this group that I moved through the huge disillusionment of month 6...

....

[[Co...]]

Peace...I hear you...I became a chronic nail biter ( not just nibbles...biting them until they bleed) and hair twister about half way through taper. I have never had these urges prior to benzos. Counter sensations help me some..and I finally resorted to using a mouth gaurd to reduce nail biting. ...So glad you are able to be so open with your hubby for support.

....I had a similar experience with Calms Forte.  It was working wonders for me and I increased my usage as it was a homeopathic remedy and the package said it was safe up to 4 tabs 4 times a day...after about 7-10 days at that dose it totally backfired on me...big time. I had complete paradoxical reaction with increwased anxiety.  I got off of it immediately after researching the ingredients Two of the herbal components are receptors ...I actually had w/d s/x that were acute from the Calms Forte for about 2 weeks. ( many people take Calms Forte without any s/x).

.....Since that sad fiasco I have passed on all vitamins, herbs and supplements. I will probably add vitamin D3 once I am fully recovered..

......feel better Peace...I am thinking of you today.  Coop

 

[[Co...]]

Nova...so happy to hear that things have eased for you. Have a wonderful day with Mrs Nova at all of your favorite haunts.  Hope you drop in this evening to tell us adout your finds...

    ...sending you sunshine..  coop

[[He...]]

Good morning all,

Today I'm one year off This time last year I did not have the physical pain, it was all mental issues. I woke up on July 29th filled with fear and shaking. I had no idea what was going on and as I walked to the bathroom to take an ativan to calm me, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I recognized the symptoms from my xanax withdrawal. I did not want it to be so, I threw myself on the bed and cried and shook all day.

That year is history, I'm moving on and moving up. I know I have a long road of healing ahead of me but I believe the worst is over.

I continue to have the nasty waves but my mindset is better able to deal with them.

I thought I would be further along in my healing at one year off but I just need more healing time.

I feel kind of lost, since this is a six to twelve month thread and I one year off .

I feel comfortable in this room, just like a cozy room in your home.

Have any of you noticed that the more healing you have the less you come here?

I still need a lot of support so I'm not going anywhere.

I wish you all continued healing and many wide open windows.

Much love, Beulah.

 

Yay!!! One year is such a big deal!  With the exception of being wavy right at the twelve month mark, I have been feeling better and better.  Doesn't it feel good knowing that you've had a full year between you and those stupid pills? 

I also feel comfortable in this room and am continuing to hang out here.  It's a good place.

Wishing you continued healing!

[[He...]]

Coop!!    I am SO happy to read that you are having a wonderful morning!! 

[[Mo...]]

Good morning all,

 

I've been reading everyone's posts but trying to stay away as my mind is fixated on BB right now.  I am finding myself very zombie ish the last few days.  I am also still waking every night at 3am, but the last two nights have included dripping sweat, heat flushing around my face and ears and nausea.  I am able to go back to sleep, but it's kinda scary.  I do remember this from my acute days. 

 

The fear seems to have subsided into this zombie thing.  I walk around my house trying to focus on what needs to be done, but I don't do it or get distracted easy.  The website I need to work on is laying heavy on me. 

 

Coop- Yes, the headache is very familiar to me with pressure.  That is why I run over to rite aide and check my blood pressure all the time, but it's always normal.  No idea on how to help it because it always leaves eventually.

 

Peace- I love writing your name because it brings the feeling to mind.  I used to experienced a weird 4 hour transition state between awake and asleep.

 

I am going to get up and walk around right now to shake this off of me.  Drink some water maybe.. #ickyickyickypoo 

[[He...]]

Good morning everyone!  I am 3 weeks in to a window and feeling really good.  Some partial closings here and there, but I have essentially been wave-free since the beginning of the month.  I was realizing how much has changed as I woke up feeling peaceful at 6:00 because my dog was hungry, and then was able to go back to sleep until 8:00.  NO cortisol surges at 4am for a while now!  I also was having a regular dream, nothing scary and toxic feeling. 

 

Another sign of healing is I mixed some running into my daily walk.  The dog and I went 3 miles, and I probably ran a mile off and on.  Not much, I realize, but it's a start.    The exciting thing is that it felt good!  The last time I tried running I was about 7 months off and it caused a major wave of anxiety and other physical symptoms when I got home.  I am looking forward to building up my stamina and getting running back into my life!

 

I am amazed at the different place that I am in now compared to how I was even 3 months ago. 

Wishing you all healing. 

[[...]]

Beulah, one year is amazing!! You are awesome!!

 

Healing, I'm right there with ya! I've been in a window 14 days, no cortisol surges in the morning for 3 or 4 days!! Praying this continues!!

 

So happy for you!!

 

Wishing this healing on everyone!!

 

:smitten:

[[li...]]

Hi Beulah and Healing and all,

 

So good that you are both at 1 year!!!!!! Please do not leave us now that you are past 12 months I am still in a window although I do not feel that great today. My brother who I love dearly divorced his wife of 32 years about two years ago. His ex  is like  a sister to me. She was the person that help mend my own marriage last year ( even after her's collapsed the year prior). My ex sister in law is my wife's best friend. My brother due to circumstances with his ex and his new wife has asked me not to associate with my former sister in law, now sister. I have known her since I was 16 and I said no to my brother. It has now devolved into a situation where my brother ( who we were so tight) has now disconnected from me and will not even return my texts. I am so sad by this.

 

Here is the bright side. Although this is obviously torturing me, so far, I am strong enough to stand strong and work through it without fear of a wave hitting me. That would not have been the case two months ago. We wil see how it goes. I am stronger now.

 

Healing preayers to all,

 

 

[[...]]

Wow Life, this is awesome that you are working through this so well without causing symptoms!

 

So sorry that you have to go through it at all! Very sad situation!

 

Glad you are still in your window!!

 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Peace,

 

Thank you for asking.  I am having rough days too.  I feel as if I'm a bummer to the group because I am not doing well these past few weeks.  My windows aren't every other day any more and aren't as good as they used to be.  It's very depressing and scary to me.

 

I go into that space of wondering if I'll ever heal.  I push myself to go out and do stuff with my husband and youngest son while he is still staying with us before he heads back out west to look for a job (he just finished grad school out there and his contacts are out there.)

 

But in doing things I feel sick and miss my old self.  It's exhausting.  Yesterday I went from having that awful internal anxiety in the AM to body aches in the afternoon, to feeling semi ok by evening and sleeping ok.  Woke up ok, but have felt nerve lower leg pain and sick off and on all day while out and about.  My brain never feels right inside.  I miss that the most of course.  I want to feel happy and not nervy inside my head.  My symptoms are all neurological and it's so d___ scary.

 

I can't tell if I'm getting better or not because I still feel so awful, yet certain symptoms have eased up such as dp/ dr.  I do feel connected to the world finally.  The aches seem less on most days.  My arms don't seem numb or nervy anymore.  I don't get the underneath my left eye, tugging and intense pain and awful vision distortion.  I am not as tired, have more energy.

 

Yet I'm still very sick feeling.

 

I'm so so sorry for your distress.  Please don't cut yourself.  Keep talking to your husband.  Have you ever felt that way before?  I don't have any experience with that.  Can you explain it?  I've heard it's similar to anorexia.

 

Coop - I am so happy for you!  You sound wonderful.  Keep telling me that in two months I'll see huge improvements.  Right now it doesn't seem possible.  You're a great person and grandmom and it's great that you are able to re-engage with life.  Keep it up gf.

 

Life and GMIT and HH- keep up the success!!!  Congratulations. 

 

Life - your situation is a difficult one.  Because I'm so bored lately I often listen to Dr. Laura on Sirius radio and she is interesting - wonder what she would say?  It could be fun to call her and ask away.

 

Nova - you're always an inspiration to me because of your calm attitude.  I hope you're feeling better.

 

Love to all,

Lisa

 

 

[[...]]

Lisa, I can hear in your post, the improvements! You see them to!

 

That was difficult for me, I would tell my mother that a certain symptom was bad, then it would improve or go away, and another one would replace it! Or I would go from wave to window, then back into a wave...the last wave would be bad but less intense then the last wave...but it was still bad! It felt bad! Even if it was "better" then the last one, what I was I. Was still bad!

 

You will improve more...you are healing well!! It's coming!!

 

Take care!

 

[[Fr...]]

thanks GMIT!!!  I'm happy for you.  I read your progress log and you sound great.

 

Hi Beulah!  Good to hear you're feeling a bit better and have reached one year.  I hope everything improves fast for you from here on.

 

Lisa

[[pe...]]

Hi Lisa-

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I still think you can look to your previous windows for signs of your healing. It also sounds like you've seen a fair number of symptoms drop off. It will get better. It is getting better even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

 

I've never had this urge to cut or anything like that. It seems my anxiety is out of control. We've decided the Gingko isn't worth it right now. I'm tapering off but expect the consequences could last a few weeks. It's a bummer. But hearing from Jenny with magnesium and coop with calms forte and GMIT with melatonin shows me that we're all just so sensitive.

 

Things will get better, Lisa. It sounds like you have a very supportive husband and a good approach to passing the days. I sure hope your window opens up wide and soon!

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Hi Life-

You sound very grounded. I appreciate you sticking to your heart and standing up for your relationship with your 'sister'. We get such funny ideas about who can be on our team. It sounds like they're all good people which is really what matters. Hopefully your brother will come around given a little more time. So glad you're weathering these life things without an uptick in symptoms. You are healing!

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

MommyR- the zombie thing is one of my most challenging symptoms. I sure hope you were able to shake it off. It's been with me for days and days and  starting to think it's derealization. Whatever it is, it's not fun!

 

I'm so glad you have your husband and your mom to check in with. You sound like a very loved (and lovable) lady.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Coop- I'm so happy for you! I'm happy for your window and I'm happy that you can look back and see progress! It really seems like you're on the fast track. I hope it continues and that some of it wears off on me! First to recover from the Gingko debacle....

 

Let us know about your good day when you're not out living it!

Peace2

[[...]]

Peace, if your anxiety is uncontrollable, have you tried an antihistamine to ease it?

 

Forgive me if this suggestion is bad to you, that is truly not my intention, but antihistamine was a lifesaver for me when the anxiety was out of this world. It truly just eased it enough!

 

I pray for healing!!

 

:smitten: